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Originally Posted By Connie in Michigan

We adopted our three nephews ages 13,11,9 after we had them as foster children for 2 years, Mom's rights we terminated by the courts and she was somewhat uncooperative with the rules that we set during her supervised visits. She has written asking to see the children. Has anyone done this and what was you experience? We are trying to decide if we should allow her to see the boys if the boys wish to.

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Originally Posted By Maddie in Ct.

Dear Connie,
It's so much harder when its family. I also have a 11 year old neice who has lived with me since she was five. 4 years ago Mom's rights were TPR and we adopted her. Now Mom wants back in her life. We have been through so much with her. PTSD, attachment disorder, etc and she is doing so wonderful now. We have decided NOT to let Mom have contact because Mom is so unreliable and will probably disappear again. Good luck

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Originally Posted By Preston@yahoo.com

Every situation is different. In general, my opinion is if you keep the parents away, the children will develop unrealistic thoughts about their parents. Letting older (at least 8) children see their parents dysfunctions and experiencing the frequent broken promises keeps the children on solid ground when it comes to their parents. On the other hand, too much hurt can lead to them hating their parents which is also bad. You must objectively examine your situation and decide for yourself. Personally, I let my 3 adopted children see their parents every 2 years or so for a few visits. When the children begin to complain about broken promises, then I cut it off for a very long time.

If you have problems with your own feelings of jealousy or insecurity about your kids love, then it is probably best not to have visits. Examine yourself for your own problems (insecurity, jealousy, passive/aggressiveness) and decide whether YOU can handle the visits also.

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Originally Posted By Brook

Connie,

I'm 56 and was adopted by my aunt when I was quite small. My bio Mom, though she's a 'kick in the pants', was the black sheep of the family. She was a card dealer in Vegas for many years, has been married at least 8 times, and the 2 subsequent daughters that she did keep had childhoods I'm thankful I didn't have.

My aunt came around every 3-4 years, visiting briefly and accompanied by yet another husband. (At the time I didn't know she was my bio-Mom, and actually discovered that fact accidentally when I was in my teens.)

Reflecting on my aunt and her visits, I realize how excessively permissive she was, offering to help my sister and I sneak out of the house to see boyfriends, etc. (That was before I knew how we were related.)

I was raised in a strict but extremely loving Christian household. We had morning and evening worship, we kept the Sabbath holy, my sisters and I attended private Christian schools, I wasn't allowed to wear lipstick, shave my legs, date, and so many other things, at the same age that my friends were. Of course I thought it wasn't fair...and my aunt subsequently said she'd let us if the choice were hers. Such comments only undermined my parents and what they were hoping to accomplish.

The picture my aunt painted really was unrealistic. One can't raise children as permissively as she did and end up with responsible, caring, educated, well-adjusted young adults. I can't imagine what life would have been like if I'd always known she was my bio-Mother, and in fact if it was commonly discussed and we had regular Mother/daughter visits. I do know...it would not have been best for ME!

When I went through my modestly troublesome teen years, I think having Motherly visits with my aunt would have been the worst thing for me. Her actions painted a glorious picture of herself...pleasantly permissive, a parent who would let her children do things that most other parents didn't allow yet, etc. At many points in a kids life, those qualities are quite appealing.

I have since had 2 sons and adopted 4 daughters from Korea. They're grown and I'm starting over again, but this time will adopt older children from the USA. In that I lived in Korea, some of the bio-parents I knew, and others I didn't. When I knew them, I encouraged my daughters to maintain contact with them...but then, they ultimately were an ocean away.

I would suggest the following compromise:

**First, do the children want to see their bio Mom, and why? Do they hope to get back with her...are they simply worried about her well being?
**Do they have/still have strong feelings for her?
**What is the bio-Mom's current situation? Is she stable? Is she a favorable example for the children?
**I think I'd talk with the bio-Mom and lay down the rules. She needs to know that it's YOUR call, and she needs to respect that. Period!

**I'd be willing to let them have a visit, IN MY PRESENCE, once every year or two. Additionally, I'd be more than happy to send her pictures and updates several times a year. Additionally, I'd let my children write to her twice a year. Pick 2 dates/times, such as during summer vacation and right after the new year, anytime in January. I WOULDN'T have it be at Christmas time. You don't want problems to arise at that time of year and spoil the family holiday. Forget Mother's Day too!

If your children also have a desire to meet with their bio-Mom, perhaps by knowing that they'll be able to hear from her and drop her a line several times a year they'll have peace of mind about her...and it'll appease any desires they may have.

You need to determine how you feel about gifts from her. Surely, if there are visits, she'll sometimes bring gifts. Perhaps you could start a college fund and any gifts would be in the form of monies for their college only. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't like the idea of her giving my/her child a locket which she clung to and wore all the time. That would be painful. Soooo, nip that possibility in the bud.

Additionally, you should give thought to how you feel about any pictures she may want to give the children. Perhaps you can make an album specifically for those pictures, and then get it out for them twice a year when they write their letters.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd want my children to know that I didn't try my best to keep them apart or divorced from their bio-Mom. But they'd also understand that they were not allowed to stay with her because she was unstable, had a drinking problem, etc., and my love for them was so great that I knew they were meant to ultimately be with me.

By now you've surely made a decision. I wish you luck.

Brook