[daisydog137]

Hello-

I know I'm completely jumping the gun on this - but I want to have my thoughts together for when the time comes. I have taken in a sibling set of 2 - a 5 year old boy and his 4 year old half-sister.

Mom has done nothing towards getting her act together. She has even missed the last 3 visits with the kids. There are 2 other siblings in another foster home and the case worker is doubtful that the kids will ever go back.

Here is my problem: the boy has a huge anger issue. He apparantly has never been told no before - has a screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) fit if it's his turn to take a bath and he doesn't want to. He grunts and acts like a 2 year old. He was suspended from school recently for destroying school property while he was kicking and screaming and also kicking the teacher. He bites his sister. I'm glad he isn't bigger because I would fear for my safety. I have been unsuccessful in getting him a therapist.

Anyhow, little sister is cute as a button and just fits in perfectly into my family. This little girl and my 5 year old little boy play together wonderfully and have similar temperments. The older brother dominates the other two and never lets anyone get a word in edgewise or have a thought of their own. It's been draining.

So here is my question (sorry so long!). If these children were put up for adoption, would I be a horrible person for not wanting to adopt them because of the brother? Should I just try to keep the little sister? I know the little girl will be dominated by this brother for the rest of her life and honestly would be better off without him but I don't want to hurt the brother by rejecting him - so am I better off declining both of them?

[jojobear]

We have adopted one out of three siblings. Of the Three the oldest boy who was 10 at the time was in a boys group home and could not be placed with the two little ones due to sexual abuse. The second and the third full siblings were 11 months and 24 months when removed from all extended family members. They had not lived together since. We were placed with the boy who was 17 months when he came to us and the girl who was almost three at the time was placed in a group home. It was determined that it was not in the best interest for these children to be placed together, however it is hard to get someone to admit that. I can tell you it is a hard road but it was the best choice for the both of them, They also still have visits and contact.

Jody

[AmyAnne]

I have one of a set of 4 siblings. Originally the kids were going to be adopted together, and my son and the oldest were the last 2 to be placed when they were all separated. None of them live together. I don't think it's a bad thing in ALL cases, for the kids not to live together.

[chrisfraz]

On 3/30/06 we went and picked up a set of siblings late at night. We were told they were a 1 yr old girl & a 2 yr old girl. Well they turned out to be 4 & 2.... We kept both girls and when I was told they more then likely would not go home, (they are looking for a family member) I ask for the 4 yr old to be moved to another foster home. My family (aunts) thought it was so terrible of me. But the 4 yr old was something else. She was so mean to all the other kids my 5 yr old was scared to sleep in the same room as her. And I could just go on and on. I don't think it's fair to your family or the child if they just don't click with the rest of the family.

We take the 2 yr old to see her sister all the time she was placed with a friend of mine so it makes it easy. The 4 yr old fits in perfectly at her new home she is now the baby and she loves it.
And it just goes to show ya, I was so worried I was doing the wrong thing but things worked out better then expected.

[bjhv5]

WE have a set of 4 right now ,we do not know yet if they will be up for adoption,but it looks good for it.The 8 yo has caused us a few sleepless nights! She WANTS to go home and will tell us this is not her home as well as tell the 3 yo the same thing.

We have thought about having her moved but have made up our minds to see it through until the hearing and see how things are going.She starts therapy in 2 weeks and if things get better then we will adopt her,but if things keep up like they are then we will ask to have her moved.
All that to say NO you are not a bad person for not wanting them all.We do not have the sibs of our 2 yo,his 1/2 older brother is with is gmom,and his full sister is with another foster home and they love her and want to adopt her.We get them together but the are not close,the baby was only 6 motnhs when they were taken into care and he was only 20 months.

[standup]

Dh and I recieved a sibling set one year ago. The oldest (girl) was with us for eight months before we decided it was too much for us. Her tamtrums were ledgendary and her anger had turned to her younger brothers. She was moved to a home where she is the youngest and she is on cloud nine! The youngest brother was never in the home with the other two, as he came to our home from the hospital. The oldest two want to reunite as they have a long history together that no one else can relate to. The youngest only knows our home. So, while we have the boys, the eldest boy will definatly be reunited with his sister if TPS occurs, while the baby may remain in our home as he is now over one year old and does not know anyone else as his parents. The oldest two rarely acknowledge the youngest even when he is in the same room - they are in their own world when they are together.

[mallory4]

I am surprised at some of the responses here. Like many of you, I don't see any point in keeping siblings together just because they share a blood relation, especially when one of them is a real danger to the other, or they don't even relate to each other as siblings.

However, I think it is also true that it is inappropriate to seperate siblings who do have a sibling relationship for our own convenience or pleasure, because one "fits in" better than the other within the first weeks or months after arriving.

Even among biological siblings who have never been in foster care, there are relationships where one sibling bullies another, or one sibling tries to get all the attention--do we then all start giving away our troublesome biokids as well? No, we don't--instead, we examine our parenting and our kids' personalities and we try to help them improve and grow, and that is what we should be willing to do for foster kids, too.

In chrisfraz's post, maybe she had a typo in the date, but it looks like she gave a 4 year old girl less than a month to adjust before making the decision to have her removed? Is there any experienced foster parent or foster care social worker in the WORLD who thinks that a few weeks are long enough for us to see how a child will actually fit in as a family member?

I am sorry to be blunt, but that just sounds like someone taking the cream of the crop and rejecting a little girl for issues we should all expect and be prepared for as foster parents. Sure, if we see foster parenting as a "job" it makes sense to want your workday to be as easy as possible. But if fostering children means working for their best interests, I think we have to put in the effort to help them for longer than a few weeks before we cast them out.

And the fact that the little girl is "loving" being the baby in the new home does not mean it was the best decision for those sisters--my kids would "love" to live where oreos were dinner and bedtime was 2 am--that doesn't mean they would really be better off in the long run.

I also think it may be naieve not to anticipate the problems parents could be causing for themselves down the road, when the kids are older and realize that their sister or brother was sent away for "not fitting in" or "tantrums" or anything else that isn't a clear and present danger in the mind of a child. Won't they be afraid of being rejected for misbehavior somewhere down the line? Won't they feel compelled to test this to the max during adolescence? I wouldn't want to be parenting those kids as teens.

If you can honestly say to your child "Your sibling had to live elsewhere because you were not safe with him/her here" , that is one thing. But if all you can say is "We liked you better" or "You were easier to care for", or "she didn't fit in." I think you are setting yourself up for a world of challenges.

Additionally, if the seperated siblings have ongoing contact, you can bet whatever the reasons they have been given for their seperation will come up in their private conversations, and the child who was moved will be hurt by being blamed-- for behaviors that were the results of poor parenting, being shuffled through the system, etc. not their own choice. The one who wasn't moved will constantly be reminded that she is just that many tantrums, or episodes of bullying, or whatever, away from being rejected herself.

If it was me, and I didn't feel attached to both kids in a pair, and danger was not an issue, I would let both kids go to a family that is willing to take both. Even though it would be hard to say goodbye, it would be better than either living with a child I couldn't stand or facing my adult child and telling them that I seperated them from their sibling because it was easiest for me at the time.

[daisydog137]

Thanks for all the replies - I can see everyone's point of view. I think if I follow my heart everything will work out. I have to make sure I do what is right for my biological son first and foremost too.

Anyhow, mom went to court on Monday and the boy's biological father (not named on the birth cert) was there. He is filing paperwork to establish paternity. Since he is not the little girl's father he would only be seeking custody of the boy. Hmmm - things could work out after all!

It would be great to have J live with dad and be able to have visits with us on weekends once in a while, etc.

I'm really surprised at the lack of support we've received from my MIL - she has only called us once since we've taken in the kids and that was because she needed ebay advise (she lives out of state). I bet she wouldn't be very supportive if we actually adopted a child.

[amylauren3030]

Daisy,
I hope that things work out for you. I understand the lack of support from MIL...
DH and I are going to be taking classes soon and plan to foster/adopt...Neither of our families are supportive at the idea of us fostering, much less adopting "those children".
I am really glad we have the support of each other here in the foster forums...we may not always agree, but we all have a common bond.
You do what is best for you and your family.
God bless,

[vernellinnj]

Daisy and Amy - Press on with your plans. Your family will likely come around. No one in my family or friendship circle had experience with foster care before I became a FM. They supported me (cautiously). Well, I got my first placement and everyone fell in love with him.

We all learned one main thing: Foster children are ...children.. Perhaps with issues (just happened my FS was an issueless 2 year old) but nonethelss, children.

Follow your heart and...pray.