[Imdamommy]

I know this has been posted before, but I can't seem to find it. I am looking for advice on open adoption after foster care, when the parents have chosen to relinquish their rights. Please share your experience. How often do you allow contact, visits, letters, phone calls? How can you be sure the children and your family remain safe, when you know that TPR could have easily happened? How have your children responded to visits? Has it been a good or bad experience in your family? Thanks!

[Tudu]

I have also been looking for more info on this and it doesn't seem to be a popular situation. My agency has never had this happen and while DFCS is open to this in our situation but has no idea what to do.

[niandca]

Our bmom had a real defiance/denial problem, but when she asked (through sw) that I adopt fd, I thought she had crossed the line to respecting me, trusting me. I had imagined her becoming an extended family member, maybe even friends. I only agreed to letters & pictures (sw's suggestion), but imagining that would be expanded between ourselves. I thought her problem was basically that she was "young" (19-21 while dd was in care).

It was very disappointing to find that ** had not changed toward me or anything else. She relinquished only because a TPR would mean no contact. Her contact for last 6 years has been nothing more than a venue for bmom to undermine the adoption and our family. She has never "got it" that I would allow so much more if she would just show some sign of respect or even acknowledge our existence.

Now that we understand dd is permanently cognitively limited & not "delayed due to prematurity", I have come to realize that bmom & likely her mom too are also probably cognitively limited. Bmom has been better able to hide it apparently. In essence, I am very glad that I did not agree to visits. I adopted a child who turned out to be autistic, learning disabled & cognitively limited and dealing with a bmom who is stuck mentally at 14 or 15 is hard enough on paper.

one thing for sure is every story is different, & I think it is important to know why the kids entered care in the first place. I would also recommend getting to know the parents directly, if at all possible...at least some direct conversation before agreeing to direct contact. My advice is to agree to little and see how it goes....and use a PO Box for mail.

[Howdy]

I allow contact with paternal relatives but not with either parent. That was the recommendation of the caseworker and therapist (not allowing any contact with bparents) and I am so glad I followed it, because as time goes on, my daughter reveals more and more horrible stuff that happened to her with her bparents.

For a long time she maintained that she wanted to be with her bparents. But while she was placed with her paternal g'ma the grandmother allowed her son to come for a visit. She told me the child was thrilled to see him. But, the child reported the visit to the caseworker (knowing it was not allowed), and after she was removed and returned to me, she finally told her g'ma on a phone call that although she loves her dad she doesn't want to see him.

She has very conflicting feelings, but what it boils down to with both her bparents is that she wants to be able to say she loves them and wants to be able to say she wants to see them, but she really wants to be protected from contact. It has been very confusing to me getting the mixed messages, but I've read more now about the effects of abuse on children, and my daughter has gotten to an age where she can think about and verbally express things better than a small child can, and it helps me now to understand why any contact would be bad for her.

[lovemy6]

I have two adopted sibling sets. All the children have face-to-face visits with their birthfamilies twice a year. We send them school pictures when they come in.

We have a good relationship with the younger kids' birthfamilies. We have visits with their bmom, and her parents in a neutral place and they spend about three hours per visit with them. I stay to supervise and we all talk about how the kids are doing and what's going on in their (adults') lives. So far it's been a good thing for the kids.

With this family, bd voluntarily tpr'd, then bmom, knowing that DCFS was about to tpr, voluntarily signed at the tpr hearing. We had told her before hand that I was willing to have an open adoption with them. DCFS advised us against it, bc they have NEVER had an OA with a family. Almost five years later and it's working for us. The bfamily is supportive of us as the children's family and never says things to make the kids upset.

Our older kids' bmom did not voluntarily tpr. She has Mental Health issues that make her not dangerous, but not appropriate either. She acts and talks like I stole her kids from her. She really doesn't like me, so my dh supervises visits. The kids are teens and are now saying that they're not sure if they want to continue visits. Mostly bc their bmom says things against our family and is trying to make them choose a family to be part of.

I know of several other families who have OA out of foster care. Firm boundaries from the beginning are key to making this work. The bp's are not allowed to call our home or come around the kids except with our pre-arranged visits. They know where we live and where the kids go to school. We have an email account set up for them to reach us if it's in between a visit. They know that if the visits become detrimental to the kids, they will stop, but that the adults will remain in contact. I don't want my kids to ever have to "search". I want them to be able to have their birthfamilies available to them.

A couple other boundaries are that the parents are not to come to a visit under the influence. One birthrelative is an alcoholic and if I smell alcohol I am taking the kids and leaving the visit. Also, no one other than the bp and bgp's are allowed at the visit. One boyfriend was coming to the visits and making the kids very uncomfortable. I told the bmom no more.

[Jensboys]

We have ongoing contact with birth family members on both sides of our sons' family (full bio sibs). We exchange letters, emails, phonecalls, photos, videos etc. We have not had visits yet due to distance. This contact has been ongoing for around 5 years.

Overall, its been good - GREAT in fact for the kids. Yes, certainly hard for them to face the reality of their first family situation and often times that reality has been accompanied by some difficult emotions, but I dont regret it. Its been hard word and a lengthy process, but still a good thing.

Our boys bfather would seem to be a very violent man and is incarcerated for a very long period of time; however he has been nothing but respectful to us and is so appreciative of contact. He has really made an attempt to address any and all questions the boys have and has been completely honest with them and taken full responsibility for his choices that resulted in pain to them. He feels like family now - and he is our friend.

Our boys bmom would probably still prefer that adoption didnt exist between us but her outlook is far more affected by her own mental health issues and the ongoing life issues that she faces. We do far more contact WITH her, than she does with us. Her extended family is very happy to have contact with us and her sister and I have a pretty good relationship.

[Bellemom]

We have an Open Adoption agreement from foster care. She relinquished at TPR. No birthfathers in the picture, though. Our kids have older siblings with relatives, so most of our contact is with them. But, we see their birthmother occassionally. We are supposed to have three visits a year, but she often dissappears and sporatically calls for visits. We are working out the kinks right now, but my best advise would be to set up an 800 number and a P.O box. When we do visits we ask that she not be using. There are times when it gets tricky, but we're hoping to keep some sort of connection with her and we will always be in contact with their siblings. It's not easy, but we believe it's worth it for the kids.

BTW, the judge was very surprised to hear we agreed to open adoption here, too. I guess it doesn't happen often, for safety reasons, and I understand, as we have been nervous quite a few times.

[threeangeles]

I have just recieved word from my sw she has three siblings for me that have been in the system for six months. The sw told me that tpr will be happening soon. What worries me is the grandmother wants the oldest sibling. They want to know if I am okay with that. I want to take in all three and adopt all three. The grandmother only wants her bio grandaughter. I am hoping we can all workout some kind of arrangement.