[jadasfostermom]

I am new to this forum and really just ran across it by accident, but I'm so glad I did. It's great to be able to talk to others who understand exactly what you are going thru. My story is long, but I'll try to make it short. DH and I started the foster to adopt process about 1 yr ago, with taking MAPP classes, homestudies, etc. We finally got a call in July 05 for a newborn baby girl. We brought her home when she was only 1 week old. Our intention all along was to adopt her and we were assured by our SW that the birth mom was going to have TPR and we would be able to adopt. They said birth mom had 5 other kids that she did not have and they couldn't find any family members to contact. Matter of fact they couldn't even find birth mom(she left the baby at the hospital after 1 day)
Well low and behold 2 months into this, they find a great aunt who is definitely interested in taking Jada to live with her. Now we are having visits weekly with both the great aunt and birth mom. Yes, birth mom came out of the woodwork and acts like she never left her child at the hospital. And the great aunt is in the process of doing what she needs to do to get Jada. When I last talked to her, she told me that the SW told her it should only take about another 30 days for them to approve her and then they will place Jada in her home.
This has been the hardest thing that I think I have ever been thru. DH and I have felt as though this child was ours from day 1 and we are soooooo attached to her. We realized it was a legal risk, but we were pretty much assured by the SW that it was going to head in the direction of TPR and adoption. Now we are trying to prepare ourselves for the day when she will leave.
I hate to even think about it.
Well thank everyone for listening and Happy Thanksgiving

[moogiesmom]

are they going to tpr on birth mom? are you sure they are going to move her? have you contacted the fosterparent review board about the move to distant relative when she has bonded with you? they cannot move her if you have an appointment with the review board.how old is great aunt? these are all things to consider, if they are going to tpr, fight to keep her in your home, because you can petation the court for adoption, it's called a competative adoption, not easy to go through emotionally I know I'm in one now, but he is my son and We are fighting to keep him.
Don't listen to the aunt either, get all info from sw
call fosterparent review board to asap
Renee

[jadasfostermom]

Hi Renee,
Thanks for all the advice! We are using a private agency that contracts with our state Department of Family and Children services. And they never even mentioned a foster parent review board. I didn't even know such a think existed. However our SW thru this private agency has said that DFCS will likely place the baby with the aunt as "fit and willing relatives" have first choice. I haven't asked the great aunt her age, but she looks to be in her early to middle 40's. I understand that they are going to tpr birth mom and then the great aunt wants to adopt the baby. I didn't know that we could petition the court for adoption. I'm so confused and as you can see we don't have much support from our agency. Would you mind sharing a little more with me about your situation? Do you know how I get in touch with the foster parent review board?

[gregorysparents]

Jadasfostermom,

I know exactly how you feel. We have had Gregory since October 2003 (when he was 14-months old). He was placed with us as "placement to adopt" - he has been in foster care since April 2003 (at the ripe old age of eight months).

I won't go into the history of the case now - if you would like to know more - just do a search under "gregorysparents".

Are you going thru a private agency or the state foster system? We are licensed thru the State of Indiana. We filed for "legal standing" in June, but it didn't really make that much of a difference.

Anyway, I would be interested in knowing more about the "foster parent review board".

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Christina

[moogiesmom]

I am from Michigan, if I were you I would search your Gov.web site. below is a quote from our web site.

Pursuant to 2000 PA 46, being MCL § 712A.13b, the Foster Care Review Board Program (FCRBP) will respond to a foster parent's appeal when a foster parent objects to a change or a proposed change in placement. However, a foster parent cannot appeal a ward's move if any of the following conditions exist: (a) a court orders the placement; (b) the change in placement is less than 30 days after the child's initial removal from the his/her home; (c) the change in placement is less than 90 days after the child's initial removal from his or her home and the new placement is with a relative; or (d) the change in placement is in accordance with the Act.

Additionally, an appeal will be screened out if one of the following applies:

• The appeal involves a child who is being moved from a foster home to an adoptive placement.
• The appeal is made by a foster parent who merely wants to refute an agency's allegations against him or her.
• The appeal is made by a foster parent who merely wants to challenge an agency's effort to revoke the foster home's license.
• The appeal arises from a foster parent's disapproval of a court's order that removes a foster child from the foster home.

• I would search your government web site under fostercare, and fosterparent to find out your rights, alot is said about the best interest of the child, also get your childs GAL involvedI am in a custody fight with my fs bdads cousin and her husband, we got D when he was 6 days old, at 6 mo. the "family" came forward and wanted him moved right away,he is now 2 and still lives with us, his parents have been terminated and he is up for adoption, we have both asked to be considered to adopt him, what a ride this has been.

• The thing to do is try to keep her in your home

• If you want you can call me, I'll send a private message with my #

• Renee

[Howdy]

I don't think you should fight it unless there is something bad about the great aunt. I know it is very hard to let a child go, but putting children into homes with relatives is much better for the child in the long run. You, as a legal-risk family, are a family who wants a child who needs a home, if this child turns out to not need a home because the great aunt is acceptable, you need to let the child go. It really will be better for the child, even if it is very hard for you and the baby in the beginning.

Your job should be to make the transition as easy as possible for the baby.

You will need to grieve the loss to you so you will be ready for the next placement.

Also, if you fight the workers when they are doing their jobs correctly (which they are if the great aunt is an acceptable home), then will they want to place another child in your home?

It is too bad that the worker led you to feel too certain that the baby would stay, that was very wrong of them.

Both of my first legal risk placements later were moved to relative-placements. Luckily they were older children (7 yrs old) and so I could hear and see the happiness they felt about going to a home where they were related. They also had fears and grieving.

The first one fit in very well in her new home. We kept in regular contact for quite a while.

The second one didn't have a successful time at her relative placement (because she has long ago decided adults couldn't be trusted, and the relative was completely inflexible and expected to be obeyed, and just never 'got it' that the child had learned thru bad experiences not to obey adults). That child returned to me and we finalized the adoption last month.

If I were you I'd be thinking about my next placement instead of risking antagonizing the system by not fulfilling the responsibilities of my role.

I think that foster parent training, especially legal-risk training, should emphasize the need for the fparents to be able to take the pain, resolve the grief, and move on.

[TexasJingles]

In theory, I agree with Howdy. However...

When J was in foster care, when he was under 3, they found an ex-step-great-grandmother to become his guardian (not foster nor adoption).

The foster parents at that time put up a fuss because they "knew" something was wrong with this new placement. Based on J's behavior after visits.

Well, they didn't have any hard proof, and it's in the files where the cwr at that time pushed HARD for placement visits to happen quickly before J had been with the foster parents 12 months (that's when they had legal standing).

The foster parents were planning on filing an injunction (I think it's really called something else, but they wanted to stop the placement). They didn't want to adopt, but really were worried about J's welfare.

Now, speed ahead 4 years...
this "relative" kinship placement wanted to get out of it. Although she was "great" when CPS was involved, it didn't stay that way. She asked for him to be removed, however that didn't go anywhere...

and then, the school saw J limping, with bruises and cuts. He told them that this "relative" had been beating him with an electrical cord (just the tip of the iceburg).

I soooo wish that this foster family had fought just a little harder, or longer to protect J. He will always have the physical scars that this "relative" put on him. We're working on the emotional scars.

So, in theory, keeping kids in the "family" sounds great, but not always. Go with those instincts if you really feel that the child is in danger. If it's just because you have attached to him, well, then that's something else to deal with. As long as the child is safe, that's the bottom line.

[gregorysparents]

TexasJingles,

Your post has me scared to death. What you said about "J" being in a abusive situation - just makes me even more scared for "our" son.

According to our attorney - there is nothing more that we can do.

Howdy, I agree with you. The goal of the foster care system is reunification. But.....there are times that reunification is not the best. Furthermore, I am one that thinks that if a child will be safe with his birth parents - then this will be the best for the child. But....the rights of the CHILD should be first - not the birth parents or the foster parents - but the CHILD.

The Division of Family and Children, CASA and two Dr's have recommended that "our" son not be sent back to his birth parents - but - the Judge decided that the child should go back. What's wrong with our legal system when a Judge doesn't have to base his decisions on facts and recommendations that he has been given? I mean - HE appointed CASA to get involved. HE ordered the Dr.'s to do the evaluations. HE asked for these people to give HIM their recommendations. There has NEVER been a recommendation given to the court that states, "send the child to his birth parents"!!

Any ideas on where I can go from here? I even called the Governor's office (of course, didn't get to speak to him) and was sent to two different people. Well, according to these people, the Governor can over-turn a death sentence, but yet can't look into this situation. What's up with this??

Hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving.

Christina

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Christina

[madfostermomma]

Have you thought about the media? They eat stuff up like this. WHile it may not save Gregory, it may call attention to a Judge taht obviously has no business being a judge.

[moogiesmom]

You know I understand that the goal is reunionification with the birthparents, or "relatives" but a great aunt...or like in texasjungle's story a step great aunt, sorry but these hardly count as relatives in my book, I am fighting my fs bd's cousin for custody, she feels he should be kept in the "family" and is the only one appropriate enough to take him, out of obligation she is trying for a child she really doesn't want,how many distant relatives are doing it out of obligation when other fosterfamilies want the child out of love??and why is it better to be kept in the "FAMILY" so that their dad and mom still have a chance to mess them up?? sorry if their parents can't get then back and their young, no bond with their "family" I say leave then where their real family is with the fosterfamily.
Renee

[gregorysparents]

Renee, I agree with you.....why does a birth family make the difference? For example:

A birth dad beats his wife and child up on a daily basis and then decides to divorce his wife and walk completely out of their lives - they never hear from him again. The birth mom (several years later) remarries a guy that wants to and can love and support this child as his "own". They have a wonderul life together. Five or six years later the mom dies and this child is now without a mother but has a wonderful father (his step-father). This man wants to raise this child. But.....look who appears out of nowhere - the birth dad.

Now, who has the rights? In my opinion - it sure as heck isn't the birth dad. Blood doesn't make you good parent material.

Where are these blood relatives when these kids get put into the "system"? You hear quite often of cases where a child has been in fc for several years before a blood relative "pops up".

I don't believe that blood relatives are the answer all of the time. However, I do believe that (depending on the situation) sometimes it's a win win for a child to be placed with a blood relative - as long as it's done for the right reasons. Having said this, I believe that more times than not it's easier for a foster parent to adopt a child and to allow that child to have relationships with these blood relatives. I mean, they aren't part of the blood family and they are a neutral party in regards to the blood family's relationships that they have with one another. Also, adoptive parents won't get pressured and etc. by the birth parents like the blood family would.

As usual, I am probably not making a lot of sense, but I know what I mean - basically - BUT THE NEEDS OF THE CHILD FIRST.

Christina

[Howdy]

I agree that brelatives may not be the best placement for a child, but in the original post, it doesn't sound like there is any reason to think the great-aunt won't be a good home.

My worker swears children are found to do much better when placed in relative homes. So mostly I am just parroting her. My own (very limited) experience is that it is 50-50, because one of my legal risks is doing perfect in her relative placement (tho since it is her dad/step-mom maybe it doesn't count as 'relative', but she hadn't seen him since she was an infant, for her he was even less familiar than a relative).

But my other legal risk placement, sending her to relatives had sounded really good, but turned out to be all wrong for her. Although they all love her, none of them are willing to understand and deal with behavior issues.

I think it would seem logical that children would do best in homes that really really want them, rather than in homes that just feel family obligations. But since my worker swears the relative placements are hugely preferable for children, and since it is her job to know what is good for kids, I have to give some weight to what she says.

Although the idea of placed with a adoptive family that really wants the child plus allows contact with the bfamily sounds like it would be ideal, I don't know how many families would sign up for that. I am doing that with my dd, and I guess it is working out well, and maybe the irritation of the relationship is just perfectly within the normal of dealing with 'in-laws', but since I'm not married and didn't go into fost-adopt with the intention of adding a bunch of in-law-like people to my life, I'm still not adjusted. I don't mind the phone calls at all, but they want the child to come visit and the therapist says I have to stay with the child the whole time if I let her visit. And frankly I don't even go visit my own friends that live out of state. This is a big burden looming in my future that I feel very grumpy about.

[bjhv5]

Our first placemnet was a 5 yo girl and a 3 yo boy.They went to grandma's house which she fought for them and "loved them" they took them from us ( we already had the 5 yo removed due to her hurting the 3 yo) well with in 2 months these children are back in the system due to abuse the 3 yo had been bitten by a dog,brusied all over,regressed to where he was peeing in his pants again,and his speech had regressed.

I think the states want to place these children with relatives some times get in the way of good judgement.Grandma passed home study etc.I am not saying all relatives are bad placements but Ithink they need to go trhough everything we do to make sure they are who and what the say they are.

[jadasfostermom]

I thank everyone for the posts. As always, there's two ways to view things. In my situation, I feel pretty confident that the great aunt is going to treat J very well. After the visits, we stay and talk for hours. We have also talked on the telephone for hours. I feel really good about her. It's the rest of the family that I have misgivings about. And this is based upon what she, the great aunt has told me. The bmom has serious problems(drugs, prostituting, etc) The bdad is married and has no interest in the baby. The maternal grandma is on drugs, doesn't work, does jail time, etc. And that's just the tip of the iceburg on this family. But the great aunt appears to be an upstanding woman, who will take good care of J. She says that she doesn't plan to expose J to the rest of her family. She intends to adopt her and has said that she will do anything to protect her. So I just have to trust that God will take care of her and that she will thrive with the great aunt. She has said that she will allow my husband and I to stay in contact and that we can even have J over to our house on the weekends occasionally.
I agree with the other posters that as foster to adopt, I need to grieve about J leaving and then move on to get ready for the next placement. This has been a huge learning experience as it's been our first placement. I know now that regardless of what the SW tells me, there's ALWAYS a chance that the child will return to either birth parents or relatives. I think this time we went into this with our eyes closed...but the next time, we will have our eyes WIDE open and be prepared for anything.

Again, thank you to everyone who responded. Knowing that there are other people out there dealing with the same thing really helps. And it definitely helps to know that others have gone thru this same thing and have survived okay.

You all are in my prayers...let's continue to do what foster parents do. Be there for the kids.
Happy Holidays.

[happygmom]

Dear Jadasfostermom,

Bless you for taking care of your little one. It is a great relief to hear that you are confident that this babe is going to be well cared for. I am just so angry at this family for not making a plan for care BEFORE birth.

Happy holidays.

Happy G'Ma