[FostAdoptMoms]

For those of you who have been following our story, we met a young lady at a placement event and have been pursuing her for foster-adoption. We are finally at the stage of the placement meeting and were just called by our social worker today saying she went AWOL and has been gone since 11/13. No one has located her and our Social Worker says "these kids are saavy and often stay lost if they are invested in not being found." - She mentioned a case where a kid was "lost" for 1 year in the system and told us it was our call now. Do we wait for her to be found? or move on to other potential foster-adoptive children?

Firstly, our hearts are heavy with worry for this little girl. We don't know where she is, if she is safe, or why she left. Did something happen in the foster home? Is she welcomed where she is? What is the deal? - The SW says they will issue a bench warrent so if the police find her they will know she is a ward of the court, but that the county social workers are so busy,the truth is that they may take only the required steps to find her. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? How can you know she is off on her own, and that YOU (the system) are responsible, and not take every possible step to find her?

Now we don't know what to do. We clearly are tied to this child, we saw her as part of our family already and although we try to protect our emotions from getting too invested - it never seems to work!

What if we move on and then she comes back. They say she knew we were pursuing her for adoption - what if she comes back and we have moved on with other children? What does that do to her? Even if we have moved on - we would continue to pursue her as soon as possible - but she is 15 and her time is running out in the system. At minimum we are looking at 6 months to a year from placement of other children in our home. UGH!

Our hearts are, once again, aching - and we don't know how to approach this. Advice? I don't know what we should do. If we have any information on her, we would go looking ourselves, but we are not privy to that information. We don't know what efforts are being made and/or how invested she is in not being found.

What now?
S-

[jandn]

I am so sorry that this is happening. I can only imagine your worry and grief. .....and I thought I had it bad with the system.


Please keep us updated.

(((())))

[waiting home]

with the 13-year-old out of state "waiting" girl we wanted to adopt.

She went back and forth on whether she wanted to be adopted. When she was listed and we responded, things moved along rather quickly (although it didn't seem like it at the time, all the waiting).

We were chosen as her forever family and she vanished. She freaked out because she realized she was actually going to be adopted and move to another state. Even though she was all excited about the prospect, loved our family book, began phone conversations with our family.

She fell apart. When the case worker and the foster mom called to tell me, I panicked too. They were not concerned too much (later find out she's done it before for other reasons). The fact that they were so casual about it made me really angry. She was gone for three days and we were worried sick.

They found her living in someone's storage shed. We decided that I should go out there and spend some time with her because everything came to a screeching halt once we got to the ICPC part.

So, long story short, I went out there, spent 5 days with her (one on one). She finally moved in with us about 2 months later. She was here 3 months before she TOTALLY FREAKED OUT (I won't scare you with her tactics she used to sabotage the adoption) but she ended up going back because she did not want to be adopted PERIOD.

We've been told that this is a real risk with the older kids. And it is very common to see these kind of behaviors. They have been through so much. They know the system too. And we were told, once a runner, always a runner.

I know how you feel. You want to jump in and rescue her. But its not as easy as that. These are really hurting kids. It all depends if you can put up with the running because it will probably happen when she comes to you live with you too. When BIG things happen, they run.

Ask if they will let you talk to her when they find her. She what she tells you.

They will be looking for her, but not the way a parent would be looking for a lost child. She will be on police look out, and might question friends to see if they know where she is at (that's how they found our young lady). But they won't be out night and day searching for her. I know that is heart-breaking. I was soooooo sick those three days she was gone. But she thought nothing of it.

15 is really tough. They are going through so much just being that age. I wouldn't be a teenager again even if you paid me to. Teenage girls are a whole other ballgame.

You have to remember too, even if she tells you she is, she is not on the same page as you are with this. She has probably been promised so many things and let down over and over again by the adults in her life. She most likely does not see adoption as a rescue and the promise of the bright future you have planned for her.

This is heavy duty. I'm not saying to give up on her (NEVER EVER WOULD I SAY THAT) but you have to see this as a red flag and acknowledge what is behind this behavior.

Keep us posted and I pray for her safe return and that you are able to come to a decision.

If you would like to talk further about it, please PM me.

[FostAdoptMoms]

Well - it has been over a week since we were informed that T ran away and still no sign of her. It has been over 20 days now that she has been missing from her foster home. Our social worker is leaving it up to us, but feels if she hasn't been found yet, she is likely to "stay lost" by choice. Given our initial choice of a sib set ranging 0-8 yo - I think we may move forward in that direction again. We are thinking T is with her family (she has a older brother & sister nearby) and that they were finally able to keep her. Given that - we expect she is better off and won't try to rock that boat.

Thank you guys for your posts. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

S-