[DOUGTONYA]

We Are Just Starting This Process In The Hopes Of Being Able To Adopt A New Baby We Have A 13 Bio Son And Lost A Baby Last Year, So Now We Are Trying This I Feel Very Good About This And Our Family Is Really Helping Us Get Ready. Anyone Have Some Advice For Us ,doug And Tonya

[mallory4]

The best advice I got when we were at the beginning of this process was to not give up--be patient, but be persistent, too. There are obstacles and roadblocks, but you just have to keep on truckin' and work toward your goal.
For specific ideas about working with DHS or private agencies in your area, it can be helpful to check out the board for your state, or put where you live in the title of your posts. The process of getting licensed and approved to adopt is different in different places, so it sometimes matters.

Good luck!

[ALI143]

Dont foster to adopt unless you are prepared to love and let go. It takes longer, but you can get a baby or toddler that is legally free to adopt. Foster is generally (not always) about providing a home so that the child can reunite with their birth parent and that'll generally (not always) be the goal of the courts and caseworkers.
It took us a year and a half, but tonight we met our adorable wonderful precious 11 1/2 month old baby daughter for the first time. This time next week she'll be living with us!!! It was worth the wait for us because we have peace of mind knowing she's ours forever and ever and ever and ever............................

[1of2moms]

My sister and brother in law foster babies and hope to adopt. They have had 6 kids in less than 1 year cycle through. Twice they thought they would be able to adopt. They will **hopefully** be adopting the little girl they have right now. But please no, it can be a long road, especially looking for a very young child.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know this sounds strange...but the best piece of advice I ever got was from our licensor. She told me that "even if you never meet the bio-parents do everything you can to form a positive bond with them. It will go miles in them making the right decisions for their child if it comes to that".

With Bug, I started with a note in the diaper bag. Next time I put a couple photos in there. When we went for our first ISSP hearing, I had an 8x10 framed photo taken when he was 3 weeks old. She greeted me warmly and thanked us. I then started a "milestone" journal that I sent weekly in the diaper bag. She read it every week. One day she wrote back and asked us to adopt him. That was the last time she ever saw him. I think she felt that he was honestly loved and safe. She thanked me for all I had done for him. TPR is in 15 days. There has been no contact (she lives on the streets) no show at court, just gone.

When Bear came along, we actually went to the foster home when his mother (14) gave him to us. We were originally chosen by the state. Bmom then decided she wanted to have more of a say in his adoptive family...there were a few days of HIGH emotions. The next visit she had, I had tucked a note in the diaper bag...just like I did before. Basically a daily record of his week...from his point of view. The case worker came out and was GLOWING. He just looked at me and said "this was awesome". The next day we were informed that she had chosen that he stay with us. There were about 12-14 weeks of visits that continued. Each week I wrote a note and put it in the diaper bag...it was the first thing she looked for every week. She relinquished about 3 weeks ago, and we are waiting for the "goodbye visit". I had saved all those weeks of notes and worked for about a week inserting digital photos, captions, and clip art. Each of us in the family wrote her a letter thanking her for the gift she had given us...I even wrote one from Bug. I also included some fitting poetry I found on this website. We burned it to disc, took it to the print shop, printed, covered, bound. Voila!! I had 2 made...one for bmom, and one for Bear...even better than a baby book! Something we will always treasure...as will bmom because she will be able to see how much time, care, and love our family put into it for her.

I think it is important to look BEYOND the mistakes they have made and remember that they are human too. They are already feeling like dirt that the state has come in ans said "you are not a good enough parent"...and taken their child. Let the department be the enemy...that is what they are paid to do. Sometimes you are the only friend they may feel they have in the system. It also goes miles within the department because they know that when you are doing this, it makes their jobs MUCH easier.

My husband works with someone who has done just the opposite of EVERYTHING we have done. The parents and fparents are 100% enemies...so much so that the bio dad keeps requesting new lawyers, contesting the TPR, and even tried to stop a necessary medical procedure that the fparents had arranged. It is no longer about the kids...it is a game. The SW is constantly playing referee. Then they are frustrated that ours have both moved along so much quicker. They also think we are crazy for being so nice to our b-parents.

[Snugglebug]

I just wanted to commend you Bug&bearsmommy for your compassion. I can only imagine how hard it was for that young girl to make an adoption plan for her baby, and it seems like your kindness just made it so much easier for her. Wonderful advice, your kids are lucky to have you for thier mommy!

[mcnh63]

We are at the end of our home study and are waiting at this point for just a few more things until our report will be typed up. I know in NY it is much easier to get a baby if you foster to adopt rather than just adopt(if you are going throught the state)
You do however have to take the risk that a few babies may go through your care until you get your forever baby.
For us it is worth it. We have talked to many people and know this will be the right way to go.
My advice would be to talk to everyone you can. Get as much info as you can.
The classes were great for us and we enjoyed talking to the other people in our class. We were surprised at how many people dropped out. We started with over 20 people in our class and at the end only 6 were left including DH and myself.
I believe that if you don't do your research ahead of time you may get scared hearing all that info in the classes.
Good luck

[mallory4]

mcnh63, I'm not surprised that so many people dropped out of your classes. If they were like our classes, I can see why they would.

The way our agency does the classes, you are not necessarily with any of the same people from one class to the next, so there was no way for us to know who continued on through the process and who didn't. I would like to know how many people stuck it out, because basically, each class was designed to emphasize the worst case scenarios.

Although most people were there in hopes of adopting toddlers to elementary aged kids, hopefully without "too many" problems, the agency made it seem like we were all going to be matched with teenaged firestarters who would sodomize our pets. That is who they were preparing us for, at every turn.

Whenever anybody asked a question like "but aren't there a few kids who don't have all those problems?" the agency would say "don't count on it." So I can imagine that a lot of people would give up on the process and look for alternatives.

From the agency's and the kids' perspective, I can totally see why this is necessary; they need fparents who are going to be committed even when the going is very rough.

The irony is that the very sworker who told us at the first class that we would "never" get a child under 5 was assigned to be our worker once we had completed everything, and she is the one who networked for us and was responsible for finding us R, the world's cutest one year old. Now, he could grow up to start fires and do very bad things to the dog, but for now at least, it looks like if you stick it out through the classes and hang in there, there can be a positive outcome