[sciencemom]

Our FDs birthparents both signed a direct consent for adoption today. What an amazing feeling to have, but also there is a little guilt too, because I know based on the 8 hour court mediation what a gut wrenching decision this was for the parents. We will finalize the adoption the week of Thanksgiving. I feel like writing a note to the parents, but also know that time and space are important...does anyone have advice on how they handled this situation. We will have a slightly open adoption with one letter/picture per year, and there are some semi-friendly interactions, but we do not have a "real" relationship with her bioparents, and do not want one for typical foster child issues.

[morandi7]

I personally would hold off on any correspondence with the b-parents. You don't want to unintentionally pour salt in their wounds. I would wait until the adoption is complete and final, then write them a letter. It would be terrible to write them a letter and then they changed their minds...

Congrats, by the way! What a great holiday season you'll have this year!! Lisa

[sciencemom]

Thanks! When you sign a direct consent in our state at least, the parents do not have the opportunity to change their minds. It is non-appealable (if that is even a word!). I know that you are right about the salt in the wounds...I think I am looking for my own closure, and know that they would want anything but closure right now.

[morandi7]

Well, that's good news that it's non-revocable. Then I would go ahead with your letter. As far as wording, go with your heart. Tell them how much you'll cherish yours/their child. To be honest, I don't know how I'd word it, but I would probably write a draft, review it several times and make changes, then write the final product. Good luck! Let us know when your adoption is finalized! Lisa

[tlc4kidz]

We had the same thing happen a year ago! Our kids bps actually called to ask if they could meet DH and myself at a coffe shop......that they wanted to talk. They told us they wanted us to adopt them and we all cried. It was the most awesome and emotional experience I've had.....right up there with giving birth (in a way I guess it WAS). I applaud you for considering an open adoption. If they are not dangerous people you will be so happy you have.

We set up a PO Box to correspond through. I sent letters/pics once a month for the first 6 months, then we lost track of them. They have moved really far away but did send their new address so I sent another letter/pics recently. I'll probably correspond 3-4 times a year.....sooner if I have school pictures or something special to send. We set up the plan in the beginning. I talked with them about what their expectations were (they had none.....said they'd walk out the door and we'd never have to see or hear from them again). I offered a plan to keep in touch that I could live with and they were thrilled. I found that just being honest with them about how weird it felt worked well. I told them....."this is really uncomfortable for me because I don't want to hurt you more." I also told them "please tell me if I say or write anything you find offensive, and I will do the same." We both agreed that even though this wasn't easy, we were willing to do it for the kids.

A couple tips.....please try to get some pictures of your (future) daughter with her firstparents.....she will treasure them should you lose contact. If you decide you want 2-way correspondence send a self-addressed stamped envelope with every letter you mail them so they can reply if you have questions. Also, start thinking of questions you think she might want answered. I had a huge list, which they found amusing . Everything from favorite foods to how old mom was when she started menstruating........that's a bit of info that might come in handy later .

Sorry to ramble on such, but I feel so blessed by the contact we've had that I get excited when someone asks. I encourage you to get to know them better....your child can only benefit from having the stories you will be able to tell.

[momofmykids]

Congrats!

It's okay to feel guilty...someone had to give up something very precious in order for this to happen. I always feel guilty, but find peace knowing that the bps WANT their children with us and are happy to know that they (the kids, we have a sib group of 6) are together.

If you can maintain a relationship with your child's bps, that would be great! My children don't have any contact with bps, but I talk fairly regularly to the bmoms of some of my kids. She calls to check on them and I always tell the kids she called. They always smile and then go about their business.

As for the letter, I'd hold off for a while. There's not anything that can be said right now to make the situation any better or easier for them. They need time to let their decision soak in and to cope and hopefully move on. jmho

Again, congrats!

[nursie]

I have this same issue going on right now.
I want to get a photo album together for the kids and would love the bmom to write something down/a letter to them but she just signed less than 2 weeks ago. We have a good relationship/rapport but it is difficult to know how to handle it. I have expressed to her that I would love to have a pic of her for them. I told her they will always know that she was their bmom and that she loved them.
The paperwork she signed stated we would adopt them both, we would send pics 2x/yr, vidio 1x/yr and contact per our (adoptive family) discretion. At this point our 4 yr old would not benefit from seeing his bmom due to his behavior issues/conficting feelings. Also, bmom is very emotional and this upsets him. So, we will wait until she has had some time and he has had a chance to know that he will be with us forever as his family.
Anyway, this will be an interesting thread to read as it is a very emotional issue and is hard to discern what is in everyone's best interest.
Congrats, BTW, it is a great feeling to know you will be able to love them and be their family for a lifetime.

[sciencemom]

Thanks for the congratulations from everyone, and I appreciate opinions from all points of view.
The social worker has actually advised us not to contact parents in any way until at least six months after the adoption. They don't understand boundaries very much, and she thinks we would be opening the door to many issues. Also, our FD is only 2, and was removed from their care when she was 3 months, so there are not the connections there that slightly older children may have. The consent that we will sign at adoption requires only a letter with a picture and report card and medical update once a year. In addition a visit once a year for one hour wherever we determine (we will be moving over 1000 miles away the day after adoption, so parents will have to come to a location we decide as best)...likely this visit will not occur, but they have two years to make it happen. They have asked for permission to e-mail (SW said no) to send b-day and holiday gifts (SW gave OK) but other than that, it seems minimal as far as openess goes.

[nursie]

The bmom was given the OK to send Bday and Christmas gifts to our 2 children also and of course she has our home address (she looked us up on the internet after her son was placed.)
At this point for our 4 yr old, he had visits with her up until 3 months ago so he remembers her but I think it is too soon for a face to face contact for him at this point and really, it is for bmom too. I feel she needs time to heal and accept what has happened. I hope our bmom will accept the waiting time and not get upset. She has never contacted us frequently so I am not anticipating a boundary issue in our case but yes, if they don't know their limits, you do need to set down the rules. Afterall, you are now going to be the parents for this sweet child and you have to protect her best interests.
Good luck. As much as we are happy like you I am sure are, it is bittersweet, isn't it ?