[sfbaymom2000]

I hope this will not be too difficult to follow . Tonight M said that DH did something on our vacation involving her (something completely inappropriate and criminal) .

It only took a few seconds to discover that she was talking about something done by her bdad at her **'s house. In describing this event, she also talked about her "sister", a birth relative who is really a cousin. She has lately mentioned other related abuse involving this person.

The incident she talked about tonight had been mentioned before by her and her birth sib to SW's, but SW's had been unable to determine where it happened and who the adult was. I think this memory was triggered tonight by looking at her birth siblings' photos today; she said they were there during this incident.

Anway, I have already been thinking about calling our SW (or M's) to see who we should contact to get some things "on the record". We haven't had any contact with the SW's since we finalized. Since finalization M has recently brought up several types of abuse by the bfamily that were not previously know by us or the SW's.

I am wondering if anyone has any other suggestions. DH is totally freaked out! How do we protect ourselves from false allegations if M says something about bdad or the "sister" and somebody thinks she means DH or C??? For that matter, the bmom was also abusive and extremely neglectful, so if she says "my mom _____" I could have a problem!

I talked about the concern last week with M's therapist. She tried to reassure me that if there was a complaint, CPS would investigate and find the allegation unfounded. She said they could call her and she could confirm the history of abuse (both from what I have passed along that M has said, and from what M has acted out in play therapy).

One last thing. Because parental rights have already been terminated, and this is all in the past, I doubt these individuals would be prosecuted. But it does seem like it should be on the record for if/when they have additional children who are in danger.

Thanks, as always, for listening and for your advice and support .

[mj77]

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear what's been going on. It must be a bit of a scary time. Personally I think the SW should know what's going on. It's good your dd's therapist is understanding and willing to back up you and your dh. I can't imagine why the bparents couldn't be prosecuted for a crime just because the parental rights are terminated. That's something that could be asked to the SW though. Sorry I couldnt' be much help to you. Best wishes, MJ

[lucyjoy]

I wouldn't report it to anyone except the therapist. For starters, the child has foggy memory so even though you think you get what happened, who knows who else was really involved. This could end up retraumatizing your child or she could implicate your husband.

It's on record with the therapist. When my children have confused who did what or made false allegations, the investigators have been able to figure out the truth and they do call the therapist.

I think it would be better to focus on helping your child deal with these issues then to worry about parents who already lost their rights.

[Kate1129]

I agree with Lucy!!!


The therapist has it in her records and that is where it should stay!!!

[Lorraine123]

Our therapist called our county's DSS to find how how aware they were of RAD (since RAD children tend to make the most false allegations). My daughter hasn't made false allegations, but everyone agrees that she is very likely to. Anyway, we got the name of one worker who seems very familiar with RAD and she has investigated several false allegation cases. We keep her name and number with us at all times in case there is a call. We would ask for her.

[sfbaymom2000]

My main issue is not whether the bparents are prosecuted...just thought that if there are future complaints about them, it might be good for CPS to know what happened to M (only to protect other children).

Anyway, my primary concern is, of course, for M. I see your point about not putting M through the trauma of an investigation/prosecution, and I agree. But I would obviously prefer not to have the finger pointed at US. I know it is their job (CPS) but you know....we are the ones giving her a loving, nurturing home for the first time in her life! I thought if the SW knew what M was saying about past abuse also, then if M did say something about bfamily that sounded like it was about, the CPS investigation might go easier if both the SW and therapist could "back us up".

Now here is a question . Since we are her legal parents now, would we have the right to refuse an investigation (meaning M being questioned) about the abuse by the bfamily? I supose not. Does anybody know?

I am going to hold off a bit, and also need to talk to DH some more. He has lots of concerns right now, obviously, but another one of them is that M's memories will get so mixed up that she really does think he did something to her .

She has also mixed up other people from the past before. For example, she said a certain relative took her to Disneyland, but I know it was a foster mom (unless bfamily did too, but I doubt it since they could not afford food,rent, etc.). She talked today about one fmom leaving her in the car in the garage, when previously she said it was a different fmom.

Well, thanks for the advice so far - and please keep it coming if anyone has any other thoughts.

[lucyjoy]

No, you cannot refuse to allow her to be questioned.

Also, because you clearly know she is mixing up other memories, you have no true way of knowing if it was the bparents, their friends, or some foster family along the way who hurt this child. Getting a case worker involved will likely confuse the child a great deal more and won't serve to help anyone else.

If it were me, I would leave it alone except for dealing with the trauma in therapy.

[Allieloopy]

First of all, don't trust your social worker or agency to stand by and protect you if any allegations come up. They legally can't anyway, if there are allegations you have to be investigated. They can report their opinion but they can't stop an investigation, I don't think? Anyone let me know if I'm wrong!

What helped us in the same situation is that I documented everything. If I didn't have it already in the log, I wrote down everything I could remember including things that I told to social workers about the kids.

This helped prove that I had alerted the agency to inappropriate behavior, lying and so on well before the allegations came out. The kids had been moved to another home months before they "remembered" me hitting the youngest.
It came out of the blue, my agency knew me well but they had to take a step back and let the process happen.

Also, if something does have to be investigated, you have the right to have a support person with you, clergy or a lawyer even, tape record it and have LOTS of documentation to hand over.

I don't know if they were impressed or intimidated but we did get an unfounded.

Good Luck!

[sfbaymom2000]

I understand that if there is an allegation, there has to be an investigation. I just thought if I told the SW that M said "bdad did x,y,z", and then two mnths later M said "my dad did x,y,z" to somebody at school, maybe they (the investigators) would be quicker to realize it was the bfamily, not us (if the SW confirmed that we reported "x,y,z" months before. Anyway, that was my thinking before.

At this point I am just going to continue my very detailed journal (it's up to about 30 pages since she came in Debmeber) and make sure the therapist knows everything. I will probably even print out the portions of my journal that pertain to this issue for the therapist.

We have calmed down about this a bit. It jsut really freaked up out when she said that the other night. Thanks again.

[Lorraine123]

Something else to keep in mind - if you make a huge deal out of it and she gets a lot of attention due to allegations, she may be more likely to give false allegations in the future in order to get attention. I'm not saying ignore it, but don't give it undue attention. Just deal with her trauma.