[sfbaymom2000]

I recall hearing of a book specifically for family and friends of people adoptng older children (explaining attachment issues, etc.). Does anyone know the title? Or better yet, do you know of any articles that summarize information about attachment issues/behavior problems well for family/friends?

It feels like I am going crazy sometimes when they continue to pretend that parenting a child starting at the age of 4, who has been abused, neglected, and through MULTIPLE moves, is exactly like parenting any other child. They see M as a little sweetheart who is doing so well, because they are not around when she is being continually defiant and antagonistic. They can't understand why I am struggling so much. All I hear is, "All kids do that", "My kids do that too", and "You can't expect kids to behave perfect all the time"

Anyway, any suggestions would be appreciated .

[aspenhall]

wow, I'm in your same boat..... So I just let MIL babysit A while we went to a movie and HELLO!!! MIL eyes were opened wide! The second the door shut my dd transformed into her worst behaviors.

She told me that she always thought I was a little hard on A, but trusted that I knew what I was doing, and now that she'd seen for herself the behavior issues she understands completely! She was shocked to see the level of deciet and manipulation.

There is a book called parenting your adopted older child that is a small guide. It touches briefly on all imaginable issues in this type of adoption.

My dd was a direct from birthmom placement at age 3.5...no foster care, no institution, and no frequent moves, no FAS, no Drugs..... I have the same issues stemming from general insecurity and no prior discipline or attention. I'd be happy to tell you what works for me. Enough SLEEP is the biggest key! once you establish that, it gives your child better tools to handle the adjustment, I also eliminated sugar from her diet and got her eating way healthier...cut out all starches for a while. Then I gave her the words to explain her inside confusions and fear and I asked her to give her sadness to me and I'd take care of it/get rid of it for her. I reassured her that no feelings were too big or too scary for me or dad to handle. I also took all control away from her (she couldn't wipe herself etc...) to teach her how to rely on us to meet her needs and to show her that she could trust that we would. There's a gazillion more things I do little ones all day. But for dealing with others I explain that while her behaviors may seem just the same as other kids, her motives and the lessons learned from discipline will be QUITE DIFFERENT because of her background. I requested that if they had input, I accept suggestions, but not ever in front of my child and to interfere directly in a situation would severely impact their relationship (that I allow) with my child. I mostly have her behaviors under control now until the next time she is overly tired or feeling the "great big sadness" or feeling insecure....and even then they are WAY LESS INTENSE then they used to be. I also teach people in her life her triggers and the appropriate responses that match what we do at home and what has been most effective.

[leaabc123]

Is it possible to hide a video camera in the room and record her defiant issues so they can watch it?

[AmyAnne]

"Adoption is a Family Affair!" By Patricia Irwin Johnston was excellent!

You can read a review of the book HERE: http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/bo...ilyaffair.html

[momofmykids]

Originally Posted by leaabc123

Is it possible to hide a video camera in the room and record her defiant issues so they can watch it?

Ooh, I'm not sure that's fair. I don't think I'd want MY bad behavior on tape so that my parents could justify they way they parented me. I feel like that's cutting a little too close to the privacy line. These children behave this way for a reason. Although sometimes it is completely voluntary, sometimes it's not (I have a 17 year old that still does things because of the trauma in his past). I don't think putting the behaviors out there for the whole world to see merely to "justify" your parenting technique is a good idea.

Baymom...I've been in your shoes. I've read books, talked to counselors, etc. Until you finally just tell the people, "this is MY child and I will parent her MY way" you're going to have heartache. Your family/friends aren't always going to like it, but it will finally sink in that their unwanted pieces of advice are falling on deaf ears.

jmho

[lovemy6]

Here's the link to a letter that an adoptive parent wrote to give to people who interfer.

http://adsg.syix.com/new_forum/viewtopic.php?t=634