[Hunter's Mom]

OK - we have 2 sisters in our home who are 7 & 2. I just do not feel God telling me they are our children. I love them & adore them, but with K - we just knew that she was our forever child.

A & N have been with us for 10 months - TPR has not occurred, but it is imminent. They both are delayed & A is MR (IQ of 51). They were like little animals when they came - A was not even toilet trained & did not know how to use a fork - she was 6 at the time. She is doing so great now, but she has some acting out behaviors due to prior sexual abuse. Our licensing worker has told us that she respects us telling the truth - that we do not feel we can adopt these children - & that there is a family out there for them & that since they have attached to us, they can attach to someone else. Their cw seems ambivalent about it, but she does ask quite frequently if we are "sure" we don't want to keep them. Then there are our families who are freaking out that wee would let them go to "strangers." I keep explaining that we were strangers when they came to us & a move to an adoptive home would not be as sudden or traumatic as the move into our home was for them.

So, now I feel thoroughly guilty & confused. I know that we are not the best family for them forever. Some of it for selfish reasons - I would then have at least 2 and possibly 3 adult MR children in several years & I know that I would be resentful of that later on (I know it makes me sound HORRIBLE, but it is just truth). Also, A sees us as the people who took her away from her bios. I do not think she would be able to heal completely here. They need to be together & probably need to be only children or youngest children & we have a younger child . Their long-term needs are more than we feel we can handle.

BUT - when A comes home from school, she comes running to me with a huge smile & a hug and squeals "Oh, Mommy, I had the best time today!!!" When she goes to a 30 minute OT or speech appointment, she comes out & squeals "Mommy - you're here" like I would be anywhere else! & I feel HORRIBLE bc there will come a time when I won't be there - But she will have another mommy - one who will be there forever. I cannot make a decision based on guilt or hurt.

I feel like their forever mommy & daddy are out there - just waiting for them, praying for them & are just not ready for them yet - you know?
I guess I am just venting & wanting reassurances that I am not a heartless meanie!

An aside - I have expressed to the cw & the supervisor that we want to be very involved in locating a family for the girls. They are such sweet girls that I want to be sure a family is prepped for the issues they have as well - I know that DHR would tell a potential adoptive family, but probably not in the detail & first hand knowledge that we have.

Christy

[carolynppk]

I do not think you are a bad person. You are very honest. I think that if you took them and knew your feelings, that would be a bad thing. I believe you are right that there is a special family out there ofr them. You have acknowledged your emotional limitations to adopting these children. Giving them less than what they deserve to have would not be in their best interest. They shouldn't have to settle for second best. Not that you are, but have acknowledged your feelings. You know what I am trying to say is not putting you down. I admire your honesty. I feel like you are doing a very special thing. You are giving these children the love and care they need until their forever parents come along. You have stepped up and done more than most people would do for them. Do not think yourself a bad person for acknowledging your own feelings and limitations and realizing that their placement with you as your children is not right for your family. I commend and admire you for being a foster parent. I don't think I could ever do that, does that make me a bad person? No, just as you knowing you could not parent these children is. Thank you for doing what you do, though, you make a very big difference in these children's lives. You are providing for them until that wonderful forever family comes for them. Please do not feel bad.


Carolyn

[Withay]

Thank you for being so honest with, not only yourself but the girls cw. It would not be fair to anyone involved if you adopted A & N knowing that you do not have that 'knowing it's from God' feeling for them.

I agree with Carolyn when she says to not feel bad about not adopting them. From your post, I get the feeling that you have a relationship with God. Remember, God already has the 'forever' family for these two precious souls picked out and he is using you to care for and love on them until he has the hearts of the other family prepared for them.

Please, do not feel the least bit guilty. Only you (and God) know your heart.

Blessings,
Lynda

[ALI143]

You sound like a great mom. You know your limits and you know what is and will be best for them. I keep hoping when we get to adopt that the foster parents will be very involoved and allow our child/ren plenty of time to transition from them to us. You're the absolute dream foster parent I've been hoping my child/ren will come from. N and A's new parents are going to be very lucky to have your help and support of the new placement.

[waiting home]

I agree with all of the posters 100% and they have some beautiful words of wisdom that even made me feel better.

We have been in your shoes. That realization, even though it hurts right now, is part of their transition period to their forever family.

It will be hard to let them go, and there will be some emotional healing to do. It's a bitter sweet experience.

But, since you know in your heart what the answer is, there will be no regrets.

Just continue loving them and nurturing them until your time is up and forever mommy takes them home. God does have a plan and he is beginning to prepare you for that plan to come to fruition.

You are a wonderful, loving a compassionate person to do what you do and feel what you feel for children in need. Don't forget to credit yourself for that. You deserve that!!!!

Keep us posted.

[jandn]

I think you are a GREAT person for admitting that your kids need more than you can give and you're willing to help find that perfect family!


As a pre-adoptive mom of a special needs little girl I just wanted you to hear my story from the other side of your situation. When we called to find out more about my AD they just kept listing all of the problems that she has ...and I knew in my heart that she was my daughter. They were all special issues I had dealt with before (previous FD's) and things that my DP was had professional training in. She is such a perfect fit for our family and has blossomed in our home!

A family could be wishing for little one's just like yours right now!

[5starday]

Sorry to sound so offensive, but what does God have to do with this?

You either feel it or you don't. But, how can you have cared for them for as long as you have and not feel it?

If you are certain you don't have those feelings, you need to allow these children to go to a home that is capable of reciprocating the love and care that they so obviously need. The sooner the better.

Prolonging what appears to be the inevitable (you not wanting to adopt them) is not fair to the rest of your family and especially not fair to them.

[tybeemarie]

Christy,

You are not in any way a bad person. You are a very loving person who made the right decision for you, your family, AND for these girls. I believe doing straight fostering is one of the most sacrificial things a person can do. God bless you for providing a home to these girls and bringing them to a point emotionally and developmentally that they will be able to find their forever family! Not everyone can do straight fostering--I know I can't. And some of us--like me--want to adopt from foster care. Where would be without you all?

OH, how I wish my 3 kids were with someone like you before they came to us, rather than the horrifically abusive monster of a foster mother they were with! As a fost-adopt mom, let me assure you that what you are doing is a tremendous service.

Do not allow the comments of uninformed people to alter your view of the situation. Those who have not fostered really have no idea what they are talking about. I am very sorry anyone would consider attacking you for not adopting these girls. The girls sound precious, and are obviously precious to you. That does NOT mean that you are meant to adopt them.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I understand what you mean about feeling called by God to take certain actions and not take others. There are many people of faith on the boards who can relate to this point of view.

You are a loving, compassionate, honest woman who is doing what you think is right. You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for. There is a great book that I am remembering now, Another Place at the Table. It was written by a foster mom. It follows the stories of a few of her kids. One was a little girl who had delays and who lived with them for over a year, as I recall, and as TPR became imminent, she and her husband struggled with whether to adopt. They did not feel like she was theirs, but worried whether anyone would want to adopt her. The girl's worker could see them struggling, but as an act of advocacy for her own client, said, no, this child deserves someone who is dying to adopt her. And a great match was made with a very loving mother who was THRILLED to get this child.

There is a family for these girls. That family is yearning terribly for daughters to complete their family, probably going crazy with the bureaucratic nightmare that is public adoption, wondering if this will ever happen. One day, they will be matched with these 2 girls and will be thrilled! A mass email will be sent to family and loved ones, they will start decorating rooms, they will buy too many toys and fret over the state of retail clothing for girls. They will look for a pediatrician, find the right school, read up on the issues, trying to prepare. They will have their first visit, after not sleeping the night before, and worrying about how they look. They'll see the girls, and their hearts will sing, those are our babies!!! It's come true, it's happened!!! And in all of this, YOU will be there, to educate them about the girls, describe their routines, maybe have them stay at your house to allow the new family to truly become acclimated to one another. You will be greatly honored as the person who made their family possible.

How I WISH my kids could have had that experience! You are a good person.

Peace.

[hesabanana]

Wow, I concur with everything Tybeemarie so eloquently said. How beautifully written!

The truth of the matter is that until you are a foster parent, you have absolutely no idea what your feelings will be. Your friends will not be able to identify either as it is not their experience. Apparently, even a familiarization with these boards cannot prepare you for the experience.

There is a family waiting for the girls. Praying every night for that call. You will faciliate that for them.

Best of luck,
Brenda

[Hunter's Mom]

Thanks so much. We do adore these children - I just don't feel like we are their home forever. I guess it is difficult to understand if you are not a foster parent.

for 5StarDay, God has everything to do with it. We have been obedient to him in everything to do with foster care & adoption, even when it has not been what we wanted to do. We did not want to adopt from foster care at first. When we were struggling with our infertility, I wanted to adopt an infant. We always said we would do foster care later after our kids were grown. When God said "Now" & we finally listened, we decided to only take school age boys - with no medical issues (we both worked & here, medically fragile children cannot be placed in daycare). We received a call for a 4 month old severely medically fragile girl - mom was MR & there was a possibility of incestuouos parentage which would mean both parents would be MR. One of us would have to quit our job to be home with her 24/7 - 2-3 dr. appointments per week & there was absolutely no chance of TPR & adoption; this child was going to be reunified. When I opened my mouth to say "No, we cannot do it.", it came out "Sure, can we meet her?" We went to the hospital that night & met her. We went back to the hospital (3 hours round trip) the next day after work, stayed all day on Saturday & on Sunday (Mother's Day), we brought her home on Monday & I knew then that this was my forever child.
Her TPR was done this year in July & her adoption will be final in the spring (we hope).
When you are faithful to God, He answers your prayers.That is what God has to do with it for me.

Christy

[Roon63]

[FONT=Verdana]Another Place at the Table

[Edited To Remove the URL to a Retail or “Fee Based Service” website.]

It is incrediable insight to foster and foster to adopt!

I have adopted 4 precious children thru foster, and this book is the first REAL book I have read about fostering! This woman gets MAD! lol and <gasp> loses her temper!

I read it in one sitting, with lots of tissues by my side.

There is a situation, like you have, where she loved the child, but it was not going to "fit" with her family.[/font]

[5starday]

Not everyone puts THAT much faith in God, or a god, or a higher being. I am not criticizing you for your beliefs. You and many others are entitled to them.

It's just that there are some who believe that THEY control their own destiny (not a higher being) because of the choices they make.

It is a choice that you made that brought your kids into your home. These children were lucky to have someone like you to care for them while you did. What they now need is someone who will take them forever.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It is what it is. There is a family out there who can give them what they need. And that will be because of a choice that the new family will make.

[tlc4kidz]

Christy....We were in the same situation with our first fd. She had special needs, but even before we knew that (she came at 2 days old), we never felt she would be our forever daughter. We went into fostering to do just that....foster only. I somehow thought that I would fall in love and want to adopt every child that came here, but it didn't happen. I did fall in love.....still am, in fact her forever family gave her my name for a middle name and she calls me aunt. But she was meant to be with this awesome family who had parented a special needs child to the age of 18 and knew not only what they were getting into, but also the services available. She is now doing better than any doctor or therapist predicted. I think that is because she is right where God intended her to be. She attached to us, and has attached beautifully to her forever family.

Just wanted you to hear from someone who has walked in your shoes, heard all the comments from friends and family, and still believes it was the best choice we ever could have made for us and, most importantly, for her.

[Hunter's Mom]

I have spoken with the girls' caseworker, my licensing worker, the termination worker who will most likely get this case, the supervisor for both the lw & the tw & A's therapist. I should not be getting any more pressure from them. The lw has a couple in mind, but cannot really do anything else right now bc TPR has not occurred. They will be with us at least through Christmas. I assured everyone that we want the girls to stay with us until they can move to their adoptive home (besides, that gives me more time to work on their lifebooks that are sooooooooooooo far behind).

I know we have made the best decision for the girls & for us, but man it still hurts.

Christy

[tlc4kidz]

It will hurt for a while. Thought you might be able to use this story. I was talking with our former fd's mom this past weekend on the phone. I could hear fd talking and playing in the background. When her mom walked in the room where she was I heard her say in such an excited voice...."MOMMY!!! I LOVE YOU!!" It warmed my heart and gave me such peace to hear her love toward her forever mom. It helped me realize that we had done the right thing. My prayer for you is that you also have peace about your decision and that in time you will get little confirmations like we have.