[hesabanana]

My husband and I are first time foster to adopt parents, and our fs R has been with us almost 13 months (he is 17 months old). Bmom has a horrible history (has lost three other children, prison, alcohol and drugs, recently gave birth to a baby girl with multiple substance induced brith defects) but has been in a residential rehab program for the past 8 months. All involved parties are convinced she will relapse once released, yet they are going to begin the reunification process next month.
We have an attorney, the law guardian's office has been great, but DSS is pushing for the reunion (cw's boss was bmom's worker in the past and very invested), and the law is apparently on her side. Everyone tells us not to worry, R will be returned to us when she relapses, but it kills me to think he would be at risk.
My husband and I are devastated and having a very difficult time handling this. We could really use some advice (besides don't do this again---there is no way emotionally we could). I can't imagine him starting overnight visits (I'll never sleep) much less leaving us.
Thanks,
Brenda

[specialcricket]

Isn't having the cw boss as previous worker a conflict of interest if they can't look at reality and what is best for the child?

Can you talk to the bosses boss and get a different cw assigned?

[hesabanana]

We have been told not to push in that way for fear that if R is removed and then returns to care, that he would not be placed with us. However, the law guardian and our attorney are trying to exploit that conflict.

[bestkidsever]

First of all...I know exactly what you are experiencing (as do many who are reading/replying to this) and I'm sorry for your little one, you and your family. There is no way to describe the anxiety, fear, pain, feelings of helplessness that go with having to send your little one some place you don't feel he will be safe. It's excruciating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just went through this and didn't think I would make it through. We, as foster parents, don't really have any rights, but we must deal with ALL the behaviors from the kids when they return!

I did all I could to make it the best situation for my little ones. I sent a "care package" with their favorite foods, favorite juice and their favorite blankets each and every time. I also duplicated some of their favorite toys and asked bmom to keep them at her house for them (unfortunately, she got evicted from her place and doesn't know where the toys ended up). I sent these things so the kids would feel as comfortable as they could. And at least I knew they had food when they arrived.

I'm so sorry this is happening...I don't understand if she lost her other kids why they are trying "reunification". Where is the baby? Is the baby with her? Is the baby in foster care? Did they ask you and your husband to take her? I may never understand the decisions of the caseworkers, supervisors, etc.

Regarding their notifying you if and when your little one comes back in to the system...there are absolutely NO GUARANTEES about that. I can give you a half-dozen examples right off the top of my head where they said they would do so and they didn't!!! Some have serious ramifications. If they go back, you HAVE to keep informed on how they are doing. One way to do this is to establish a relationship with bmom. Do you already have a relationship with her? This would serve at least two purposes: 1) to see your little one after he returns to her care and 2) you will know when he is no longer with her because you will be communicating with her on a regular basis.

I know what you are going through it so painful and I'm willing to be supportive to you in any way I can.

Respectfully, Brenda

[hesabanana]

The baby is with her...CPS won't get involved because she is in a supervised setting. We have told them we would happily take the baby.
In terms of why they are sending him back, they are not interested in her past failures, only her current "success."
I do have a relationship wtih bmom, but frankly, don't really trust it. She says that if he is returned to her, she will allow visits, but who is to say?
Thanks so much for your support and kind words. We really need all the support we can get!
Brenda

[bumpkin]

Brenda (((hugs)))) to you. I know exactly how you feel, as my now 5 mo. old FD will be starting the RU process soon. It is so very difficult to deal with. I also know the frustration of hearing, "she'll never do it" and she does, and also" when she comes back into care" - well, that means she's either been abused or neglected????? not like I can be praying for that.

I have no words of wisdome for you, other than that those that have gone before us often have told me to let go and let God handle it, so if you're a praying person - that might help. Also, rely on the support of these boards, they have been a lifesaver for me - no one else understands, no one.

[hesabanana]

Thanks to all who provided support and encouragement, and offered their prayers. Bmom relapsed and left her program, clearing the way for the tpr. I do not bear this woman any ill will (we actually get along quite well) but am so relieved my fs will not be going back to that lifestyle. She still has custody of his 6 week old sister, but CPS is involved, and we have been told to put the infant seat in the car....wish us luck!

[bumpkin]

Wow - hesabanana - you must be relieved, and another one to boot..... It is nice to see and hear that miracles can happen.

[ALI143]

A Million times Good Luck to you. What wonderful news for your little son and you and possibly a baby!

[Mel in NEPA]

Originally Posted by hesabanana

We have been told not to push in that way for fear that if R is removed and then returns to care, that he would not be placed with us. However, the law guardian and our attorney are trying to exploit that conflict.

Does that make you crazy?? It's bad enough that we have to work with a crippled, screwed up system, but we also have to deal with petty CW!! I once asked my CW about how my request into an adoptive placement went, she said she called the other CW, but she really couldn't call more than once. Because if the CW got annoyed they would put my inquiry at the bottom of the stack! Man alive!

[hesabanana]

It really does make me crazy. I have to tell you, I am a social worker by profession (a psychotherapist) and I have worked in a lot of dysfunctional systems, even prison, but this system is by far the most convoluted and personality based. Decisions seem to be about "one upmanship" than anything else at times. Once things get settled with these kids, my husband and I have committed to advocating for reform.

[saleschick]

I thought I was the only one hearing the advice of lay low and don't cause a stir speech. I've talkedto lawyers and counselors and all have said the same thing. Bio mom has been on drugs for 13yrs ( clean 15 weeks now) so just lay low and wait for her to screw up. Meanwhile my angel who has been with us for a year now is 2 and about to be very confused by this situation as she will soon start visigting more frequently with her bio mother. I've given up fighting and turned it over to God at this point. I just pray she gets to stay and if not then she is always safe

[hesabanana]

We told our lawyer that we could not in good conscience give up without a fight. He hired a private investigator for us, and even though things appear to be going our way, we still have her working for us. It gave me a little peace of mind that we were doing everything possible.
It sounds like we have very similar situations...I will keep you in my prayers. Don't give up.

[hesabanana]

We went to court on wednesday and the TPR was filed for our fson, 18 mos. His two month old sister was also placed with us. My house is in chaos (we are in the middle of moving), but we are so glad to have her! Thanks for all the kind thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement. Keep them coming...we are not out of the woods yet.

[missw005]

Brenda,

I am soooooooooooo happy this is working out for you. And a baby girl to boot? Yippeee!!!!!

Good luck with the move and (of course) everything else with the kids.

You're in my thoughts!!!

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Sandy