[sunnyandi13]

Okay everyone… I really need some help here – my heart is breaking and it is only going to get worse!!

Just as a bit of background… my husband and I are in the foster-to-adopt program through our state, but all along our goal has been adoption. We have been in the program about three years and have turned down placements in the past due to various different circumstances. In November, we got a call about a placement on a 2 year old little girl who was being put in the foster/adopt program – the stars must have been aligned correctly that day because it all worked out for her to come to our home.

We have had her since November 4, 2004 and up until March we thought we were going to be able to adopt her. Well, low and behold, bmom started getting her act together (at least in the eyes of the state) and the court changed the plan to reunification. Not wanting to disrupt her (this was her first and only placement), we decided to go with the flow and see how things worked out. So here’s my current dilemma…

Bmom is not ready to parent this little girl! The caseworkers are all advocating that she stay in care with the possibility of adoption, but unfortunately, the judge that we are before has a long history of going against cabinet recommendations and in this case he sure has. Bmom is doing some of what she is supposed to, but the big question is whether or not she will stay away from the man that abused her. Bmom has already lost one child to adoption and has an infant in the home now that she doesn’t really take care of (he is parceled out to whomever will keep him whenever mom wants to run around, etc.) The caseworkers don’t think she is ready to parent our little one, but in the court system that doesn’t seem to count for much! The judge says that bmom is “making progress” and that we should “be reasonable about returning her child to her”, even though it goes against the recommendations of the social workers!!

So now, here we are 8 months later, having fallen in love with this little angel, the caseworkers all telling us that she is the happiest and healthiest they have ever known her to be (and she has been on their radar since her ½ sibling got taken away when bmom was pregnant with her), she is in pre-school and has made excellent developmental progress. For six months we thought we were going to adopt and have slowly been wrapping our brains around the idea that she won’t be ours forever… I just got off the phone with the caseworker and the judge says we have exactly one month to transition her back home! HELP!!! I am losing this little one and there’s not a blessed thing I can do!!

Now I need to know, how do I prepare her for this return? Even at almost 3, she wants to stay with us, even though she misses her bmom sometimes, I think that if we had an open adoption (with periodic visits with bfamily) that she would be very happy with us and grow up great. But now I get to send her back to a situation where I know she will be in danger, both emotionally and physically. How do I let go? How do I prepare her to go home? How do I explain that she will not get to see me, my husband, our dogs, our families, etc.? How do I explain that she can’t take us with her and that we’ll probably never see her again? How do I make this as least traumatic as possible for her? Luckily, the caseworkers have convinced bmom that a gradual transition is better than another abrupt removal and we will be starting overnight visitations this weekend. But how do I get through this? I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart everytime I look at her. When I put her to bed at night, I go lay down and cry myself to sleep and I know that its only going to get worse… after she’s gone, I’m going to lie awake wondering if she’s safe, is she scared, is she hungry, is bmom reading to her, does she miss us, etc. Even my own mother is at a loss in how to deal with this. Even though I lost a sibling at a very young age, as my mother says “death is final – you know the child has gone on to a better place; here you don’t know that, you’ll always have questions and worries.” (Thanks Mom, that helps a lot!) What do I do?

You all were a great help when she first came and my life got turned upside down, so I’m hoping that you’ll have some sage words to help me through this. Your thoughts, prayers and advice will be greatly appreciated (even though as of late, I’m having a hard time trusting that God knows what he is doing this time around!) as I am like a ship without a rudder. Bless his heart, DH is not much help, as he is going through the grief too, just handles it in a different manner. Oh and not to make matters any worse, at this same time I am going through a job change (current company closing), caring for my mother (who is disabled but doesn’t live with us), my grandmother is dying (6 months or less), my parents just got divorced last year and I am trying to finish my degree… HELP please!?!

[Malificient]

Sunnyandi13, God love ya!! You have waaaay toooo much on your plate for sanity purposes. BTW, GOD DOES know the outcome of this and how can you help but NOT trust in HIM???? He is the one who brought your fd into your heart, and home and He is behind the scenes orchestrating the outcome. It's not always for us to be able to understand. But, if you have Faith and Trust that God loves you and that He loves your fd, then rest assured, everything will work out for the best. Your post mentioned alot of extenuating things and happenings going on in your life. Everything from your dh and you grieving the RU of fd to **. Your in the midst of a job change, you have been a caretaker for your disabled mom, (not an easy feat.......) you have a gm that is terminally ill, your probably still trying to heal from the divorce of your folks and to top it all off, your trying to focus on college and getting a degree. You have been busy with taking care of, nurturing everybody but have neglected taking care of you, the way you deserve. Sometimes, it's important to step back, reacess the situation, if you aren't at 1005 how can you expect to be any good to anyone else?? I can't imagine having to send your fd back home, I know 1 day, I, too, will be faced with that scenario as well. The 1 thing I have learned on these boards is that nothing and I mean NOTHING, is ever a sure thing. I am going to do my BEST to never "plan" on a cild staying in our home permanently. BTW, we are also a foster/adopt home. If I always plan on RU, I won't get my heart broke. When God sends the child we are MEANT to adopt to us, HE will make it where she is ABLE to stay, if she doesn't stay, that's because she was never meant to. That's my opinion. I hope , in time, your heart mends. Please focus on YOU and your studies, and perhaps if you have some friends or other family members, they can pitch in and help with the caretaking of your Mom. I know 1st hand what it is like to be around terminally ill patients, I worked as a Hospice Nurse for 2 yrs. in Ky. It takes a special person to be able to do this, allow you some space and time apart from all the additional stress in your life, You don't need a meltdown. I pray for some rest and peace for you. Stay steadfast in prayer........ Good luck!! malificient.

[sunnyandi13]

Malificient -
Thank you for your kind words... I am hoping that by having so much else on my plate right now that it will help keep my mind occupied and I won't have as much time to dwell on how I'm going to miss her. You know, our mothers always told us "idle hands are the devil's tools", so I usually keep a lot of things going (classic overachiever mentality ).

In addition, I think your comment reminding me that nothing is ever for sure until its done helps keep the perspective that maybe the judge will see the child's side in this one and not be so hasty to send her back into a bad situation. I don't always see the bigger picture but I do have to remember that everything happens for a reason and it may not be for me to understand right now; and perhaps God is trying to teach me how to let go and trust him to take control safely.

I appreciate your kindness - this forum has been such a blessing, as not many people in my family / friends can truly understand what we're going through, though they have been as supportive as possible. And I have thought about trying to do something for me... my wonderful hubbie got me a gift certificate (some time ago) for a massage, so I think I'm gonna cash that bad boy in when this gets resolved!

I would still appreciate it if others out there have any suggestions on how to make this easier for my fd and how to deal with her grief without having a meltdown in front of her. Or is it okay for her to see me cry too? Maybe if she knows how much I'll miss her, it'll give her permission to grieve for us? Aaaarrgghhh! Somebody hand me the kleenix.

[mckenna]

i was in a similar situation 4 years ago. a little 4 month old was placed in nov.with me, no family (including either bparent) surfaced until feb. during that time everyone kept telling me it was going towards adoption. at the time of placement i was strictly foster but when the cases workers start putting that in your head, you consider it. anyway, dad showed up in feb and was granted custody in july (even though he had a previous incident of child abuse against his former step son). i had to just let go. my foster daughter was very young only 13 months and had started visitation including over nights about 2 months before the transition, but when it happens, there was little i could do to prepare. i actually dropped her at daycare and dad picked her up. to me, that was eaiser, there wasn't some big good bye scene, it was more like a norma day. not that it wasn't hard and that night when i came home to an empty house, was awful, but i did not have to get upset in front of my fdaughter.

i can tell you it does get better. you can never replace the child that has left, but for me, getting right back in is what helped the most. 3 weeks after my fdaughter was returned, i got a call about a 4 month old little boy as a temporary placement, well this august it will have been 4 years. my very temporary placement turned into forever. i am currently placed with a new baby for foster adopt. now, if she does not stay, i will be devistated, i can garuntee, i will not know what to do with myself. hang in there, you are strong enough to handle this and so is your fdaughter.