[radkat]

Hi all,
I recieved some really sad news earlier this week. I found out the bio-grandmother of my soon-to-be adopted children has passed away.

I've never had to explain something like that to a child. The kids were really close to her, she had been the only family member still interested in maintaining contact with them. She and I had talked a lot over the past year and I could tell she was not doing well. She started to refuse visits with the kids and had stopped talking to them on the phone.

How do I explain this to these children who have lost so much already in their lives ? Their grandmother was the one person in their lives they could always depend on... and now she's gone.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to tell them.

Any advice would be appreciated,

Kat

[LadyBugz]

My heart goes out to you and the kiddos. I do not envy your position or pretend to know what to do.

Perhaps wording it something to the effect of "Grandma Sue has been pretty sick, but she's been thinking about you a lot. She knew you were safe and happy and have a family to take care of you, so she knew she could go to heaven and watch over us all from there."

Of course, you would have to detail it to your situation. Safety might not be an issue, you might not be religious, etc. but you get the idea. Emphasize that it is sad, and that they do need to grieve, but that there will always be someone there to take care of them and love them. Grandma loved them. She was secure in knowing they are taken care of. You love them. This isn't their last link to life or the end of the world. They are not unloved, the people they love will not all abondon them, and Grandma really did think the world of them. The whole when one door closes another one opens, but not in such trite terminology.

Some people might think to themselves in this situation that they would feel it is intruding on their bond to the birthfamily to grieve yourself in front of them. Or that you need to be strong for their sake. You did talk to Grandma several times, but even if you hadn't I would say that it is important your share your children's sadness with them. If they cry, feel free to cry too. It does them good to know it is OK to be sad and that you are there with them. I'm not saying fake tears. Just don't hold back or not let them see you down thinking it is for their benefit. They might need a model in how to grieve, and then to start moving on in life.

And don't be surprised if the kiddos aren't as deeply distressed as you think they should be. Different people process it differently, so don't push tears or hugs or whatever. Follow their lead. (I've heard of kids saying, "Oh. Can I go ride my bike now?" and the like. Then mulling it over and asking random lighthearted questions, and never really showing sadness or anger. Others do the whole wailing and knashing of teeth.)

And, from personal experience, give them what they ask for to help them grieve. If they want to attend the funeral (assuming no other issues would forbid it) or if they don't, either way. If they want to talk about Grandma, or if they don't. (I'd bring it up to see what they say so they don't assume it is a forbidden topic. Say, setting the table, "What is your favorite memory of Grandma?") You might want to see about getting some memorabilia, pictures of her, etc from the estate. I am in favor of picture taking at the funeral with the deceased, but many find this a morbid idea. If the kids would like it, look in to it.

Counseling might be in order if they have trouble processing their grief or if it causes emotional problems (such as with feelings of abandonment or fear, etc).

[tybeemarie]

I'm sorry to hear about your children's loss. I have not had to break that kind of sad news to my kids. You are right to be cautious, though. My children were suprisingly upset about the death of Pope John Paul II, and they've only been Catholic since being placed with us 4 months ago! I think when you've had a lot of loss, death hits harder.

A good book on this topic is called Helping Children Deal with Grief and Loss. It's by the same author of Adopting Older Children. Claudia Jewel, I want to say, but that may be off.

Good luck with a difficult task. Your sensitivity to your children's needs is clear from your post. I think you will do a good job. It's just hard.

[radkat]

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I don't know if we'll be attending the funeral... but it is definately something we'll have to sit down and discuss.

Kat

[Kellster]

Hi Kat,

I am so sorry for this loss to your family. I would like to recommend a book that helped my children a few years ago when both of my grandmothers died within 6 weeks. It is Maria Shriver's book called "What's Heaven?" It is a beautiful, non-denominational book that provides children with some peaceful images of what happens when a loved one is no longer with them, but still lives on in their hearts. The pictures and story are beautiful.

May your family be spared further sorrow.

Kelly

[ChgoFAMom]

That grandma can STILL be counted on - as she is always visiting them now

[Dianna]

Hi, We had something like that happen. When our daughters were 7 and 8, their bio dad was killed. They were away for the weekend so I waited until I picked them up. I said, "I have some very sad news. Your birthdad was killed on Saturday night." One burst into tears and the other one looked fascinated. I hugged the one that needed it and then said the things that others have said here.

They did go to the funeral and were there to support and be supported by their birthfamily. It was also good for them to see him and know that he was really gone. It has taken the one daughter who was attached to him 2-3 years to grieve with revisiting memories many times. I also got the newspaper account for her to put in her lifebook. That has really helped her explore the incident from a non-biased viewpoint, and process the event. I was very sad for them as well and went to the funeral also. I am sorry for your and their pain. God bless.

[radkat]

Thanks for all the advice.

I'd love to be able to take them to the funeral, but because our adoption is not finalized my agency says the children are not allowed to have any contact with their biological family. (the family has a history of violence)

sigh....

Kat

[tybeemarie]

So sorry to hear you can't go to the funeral. It's even more sad that the biological family is considered so violent that this precaution must be taken.

Maybe you all could have your own memorial service? I'm Catholic, and what we do when someone dies is have a Mass said for them. During the Mass, people pray for the soul of the deceased. I don't know your religious tradition, or the children's, but perhaps there is some type of ritual that could help them feel closure.

Maybe you all could make sort of a life book of memories they have of their grandmother. If there aren't photographs, they could make drawings, or cut out pictures of magazines, or use stickers to help illustrate important milestones. You could include the obituary, as someone said. Maybe have a little service where you offer prayers for their grandmother, sing her favorite hymn, perhaps light a candle with her favorite scent, or maybe write a note to her, then send it to the heavens by burning it. There are lots of possibilities.

You are a very sensitive mother.

[jwdcreations]

Could the children have a private visitation viewing at the funeral home or church. No other bio members present just you and them with the casket. Or maybe something similar after the burial at the cemetary.

If they want to...

[Kate1129]

Even thought they can't go to the funeral, try and get the little memorial pamphelt thing (sorry can't think of the name) and clip out the obit, they will appreciate that in the future.

[radkat]

Well, I did it. They were officially told this evening. They took it better than I thought they would. We talked about an hour, just about things they remembered about her and how they felt. (and how I felt)

They asked alot of questions, they wondered if their firstmom was dead, too. I assured them she wasn't. They wanted to know if their grandmother had wings now. They were very reflective and spoke of crying but none of them did.

I do have a copy of the obituary for each one of them along with a picture of their grandmother for their lifebooks.


Thanks again for all your advice,
Kat

[Dianna]

One thing I have dealt with a lot since our daughter's bio dad's death is her fear that her birth mom will die also. She has written to her through the agency a couple of times but no response.

[NDN]

This may sound like a strange suggestion but, do you know of a good funeral home in your area? I noticed at the last funeral that I attended that the funeral home had a publication about talking to children about death. They also had suggestions about grief counseling, etc. I don't know if the same is true all over, but I live in a rural area so I'm sure that this is probably fairly widespread (we are continually 10 years behind that times). It can also be helpful to speak to the people that conduct funerals (especially for those that are not religious, or do not have a religious leader to help) as they are very experienced in helping those that are engulfed in grief. It amazed me how helpful they can be to the mourning, when I observed them in action at the family funerals that we have had in the last few years.