[mallory4]

It looks like we have a placement as a result of last week's interview! After our disappointment when our first proposed placement fell through, I am not counting my chickens yet, but we get to visit this little boy on Wednesday, so it seems like it might be a go.

We have no idea what the protocol is for a first visit. He isn't old enough at all to understand why we are there, and he's been through two moves in 4 weeks, so I don't even know how much he'll be "himself".

So I guess I just want to ask those of you with experience for advice. Should we take anything? I remember reading a post suggesting a photo album w/ pix of us, our kids and pets. Do you think he's too young for it to matter? Should I take a couple of books/toys so that if he is placed with us he will have some familiar things?

Anything we should ask that we might not think of? Foster mom has only had him 3 weeks, so she doesn't have much history with him, but is all we have for now...

Thanks, you all--I definitely need advice!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hey Mallory, congratulations!

I have heard some people say to take them a small blanket that you have slept with. It'll have your scent on it and be a comfort when he is transitioned to your home b/c you will already be familiar.

I think I'd take him some sort of barney stuffed animal to comfort him too. At almost 18 months he must be scared with all the moves he's made. Poor baby. I hope this works out for all of you and he can finally have his forever family.

I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well on Wednesday.

Michelle

[ajjhmf]

My son was a bit older at our first visit. He was 4 although emotionally and developmentally 2. He really didn't understand why we were there either. We just came and played with him. We brought him a stuffed dog that he sleeps with even today. He's told us his doggie keeps him safe because when he got it he had a home. I really recommend bringing a stuffed animal or blanket or something. Another idea is to get a baby picture album. I've seen one in the baby aisle before. It was soft and drool proof so it protected the pictures. It would help him remember you between visits.

Blessings,
jenny

[b.coffman]

I have had two little ones move on to other foster homes (relatives) I wrote out very detailed schedules for each of them with naptimes, bedtime routines, food preferences, etc. The relatives were very appreciative of those notes. You will eventually find your own routines but I think it helps to keep things as consistent as possible in the transition period. Good luck!

[jolean12]

Congratulations on your match You should be meeting him today so I will be waiting to hear how it goes.

[mallory4]

Thanks to all of you for your ideas and support.

We did take a crib sheet, blanket, and some toys when we went to meet him today. I am pretty nervous now, because it seems very real after all of this waiting...

Anyway, he is cute of course, and it was great to see him. He does have a behavior we had not been told about and which did suprise us and make me a bit worried; he hits himself in the head repeatedly--kind of like a nervous habit or self-soothing behavior? It isn't hard, and fmom says he does it mainly when stressed (like when strangers troop in and start inspecting him after two moves in three weeks?) or tired. Also, at his age my kids were drinking from a cup and eating whatever we ate, and he eats babyfood and drinks from a bottle...fmom says she thinks previous fmom had just babyfied him and not given him anything more advanced.

After we had been there a while, he warmed up to us and stopped the hitting almost entirely, and he was smiley and interactive. I got to feed him and put him down for his nap and that went smoothly--also unlike my kids, who would not have minded someone feeding them at that age but would not have gone quietly down for a nap, no way, no how, for a stranger.

So, I am a little worried about the head-hitting. Anybody have any experience with a child doing this, or know what a parent should do when he does?

Thanks!

[Krispy]

I work as a Special Education teacher, and the head hitting is normal even in kids born into a "normal" family (if there really is one) Don't worry, it is something he will grow out of with constant reinforcement from both of you. As he learns it isn't acceptable, and there are other forms of self soothing, the problems may not arise later. As a SPED worker, look for hair pulling, biting, and other forms of more intense self mutilation. Not to scare you, I just deal with it when kids get into high school. I honestly think it will be okay. You seem like a wonderful women, and a terrific mother. He is lucky to have you.
My DH and I are just starting to work with our local DHS, and your story made me cry. Just think about how scared this little bug must be, and how he forms attachments. Everything at this age is trust. The food thing will change with stability.
Best of luck, you will be in my prayers.
Leslie

[Sleeplvr]

Congratulations!
Did you get a psychological evaluation in the staffing? That might give you an idea of what kind of help he needs. The 2 yr old we had would hit his head after visits with his bio father. He had a expressive language delay and wasn't able to articulate his feelings. So he would scream or hit himself. This behavior will most likely go away when he is settled and more verbal. Make sure it is noted in his file so if you need help in the future it will be documented. Is there a 6 month wait time before you can file for adoption?

[mallory4]

I was able to look over his medical and OT records, and the notes from previous foster mom. She did mention the hitting and that it started a couple of months ago. I couldn't find a mention of it in the medical or OT records but they were copies of copies of copies and I was pressed for time and couldn't read them all. I understand I will be receiving our new set of all these records tomorrow. I will then go over them more closely and make sure everything is in there, or that it gets put in right away.

I am not sure how quickly the adoption will happen as the dad is not tpr'd yet. We just have to hope and wait. We will be bringing him home tomorrow!

I am so grateful to have these boards for information and support--thanks, all!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Mallory,

Wow! You're bringing him home tomorrow? For good??? I guess there's no transition period with a child that young? Or is it because he hasn't been with those fp's for long?

Best of luck. I'd bet everything will be just fine with him once he's with you for a while.

Michelle

[Dianna]

Hi and congratulations on your placement! Your new little guy may benefit from the kind of soothing and bonding things you did with your other kids when they were younger. We did rocking and bottle feeding with all our placements, 2 1/2 year, 5 year, and 11 month olds. Give him lots of face to face interactive play, holding and soothing, rocking, feeding and just baby the heck out of him.

It is really ok that he is not as advanced as your other kids were at his age. Once he has had a chance to bond, he can go on to the other developmental tasks and will eventually catch up. Usually kids can't go to the next step until they have mastered the ones before. Lots of kids with trauma in their pasts (like losing a birth parent) will stall at that spot until they can go back and get on their developmental track.

An infants first task is to bond. This process effects the rest of their lives. It is probably the most important thing anyone does as it effects how they are in relationship to other people. It effects how they see the world and their place in it. Is the world a safe place where people can be trusted? Am I a valuable and loved person? Am I worthy of love? These are the questions you are answering for your little one. Best wishes! He is lucky to have you and you him.

[mallory4]

Michelle, yes, it has been very fast. The sworkers and current fmom think a quick move will be best so he doesn't spend more time bonding with her only to be disrupted again in the near future, since he has been in 2 homes since leaving his original fhome 2 weeks ago.
We have visited two days in a row, and he was not as freaked out by us the second day, clearly.

Dianna, thanks for the advice. Since he is still on the bottle and still small enough for me to carry in the sling, I am planning to give him lots of contact and face-to- face time.

I'm not particularly worried about him being "behind" my previous kids developmentally, just want to figure out where he is and what we should be "working on" vs. just accepting. Of course, for the next couple of weeks we are only going to be settling in.

One person I know IRL who adopted a toddler said he only took a couple of weeks to settle in, another person who adopted 18 month old twins said it was 3 months before they were happy to see her in the morning instead of looking for their foster mom. So, we don't really know what to expect, but will be hoping for the best and preparing for a longer adjustment period if needed.

For those who have adopted kids in this age range, what has your experience been?

[hubbyswife]

We just had a 15 mths girl, we only had her 2 wks, but this last week she was starting to laugh and smile a lot more, play games, smile when she saw us, etc... I think she was starting to feel secure... but now she's going back w relatives..... so hopefully she'll remember them and feel safe soon again!! I should also mention that she would always want us to hold her, etc and we did that's probably why she felt safe b/c when she cried we were there for her. Good Luck! :-)

[jolean12]

WOW! Your son should be home or on his way by now. I am so excited for you Please keep us up to date....when you get a chance.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Good luck Mallory! I hope the transition is a smooth one for all of you.

Michelle