[Fostering2Adopt]

We started fostering our 2 boys (ages 2 & 11mo) almost a year ago.

Mom and I have had a fairly good relationship until recently. (She helped me pack the car the day the baby was released from the hospital after birth.) I don't know if I were her that I could pack up my newborn and quietly send him home with someone else. I had to sit in many of the supervized visitation because the baby would cry if I left. But she stated early on, that if she got the boys back, she would want me to still be a part of their life.

In court, last week, dad signed entrustment papers and asked us to take care of his boys, but mom is fighting it. So now she has a lot of animosity toward my hubby and me.

We go to court 3/9/05 to hear TPR of mom, so we can start adoption. I was hoping to have some sort of contact with Birthmom as we would like to do what is best for the boys... I was also hoping to get a few pictures of our 2 year old as a baby (we got him at 14 months). With her fighting the TPR, I doubt that it is going to happen. I wouldn't know where to begin.

Ultimately, I respect that she is the boys' Bmom. She has tried somewhat to get the babies back but hasn't made clearly the progress she needs to do to parent either of these boys. I doubt that at her best, she would ever be able to (she has some serious mental health issues). And after some recent concerns of drug use (after 6 months of being clean), I don't know that it is in the boy's best intrest to continue contact... what does everyone think?

[jwdcreations]

I'm new on here but I'll throw my 2 cents worth in...I would say if she is still having drug use issues and mental concerns, her contact needs to be limited and monitored. You will have a hard time knowing what shape she is in when it is time for a visit and how that will affect the children.

They can and will be adversly affected by her 'abnormal' (for lack of a better word) behavior.

[yanknrebel]

I would limit the visits (at least at first) to phone calls , pictures and letters of the children's progress. That would give you time to get the kids settled in, and also a chance to see what she is doing (clean and drug free ) and how she is respecting your role as "mommy".

I have a set of foster twins whose biomom is mentally limited. If we get to adopt the twins, I have told her that she can have visitations with the twins and pictures and letters. Albeit, they will be sparingly , maybe a visit every other month or so supervised by me. AS far as pictures, I will send them but she moves around all the time, so not sure if she will ever stay put long enough to get them. She only visits now every 2 or 3 months. Depending on how bored she is. I don't think this biomom has much staying power. Kinda like the bf of our daughter Kayla. He is free to come see her (supervised visits) send letters, and call. He has called twice in 3 months and sent one birthday card with money for a gift. There were no phone calls or Christmas presents at the holidays as he had promised. Not that that matters to us one bit. However, it will start to matter when he calls makes promises to our daughter and then doesn't follow through and she is older and understands those promises. The twins biomom seems to think that she can just call at the drop of a hat and on a whim and I will bring them to see her. WRONG!!! Right now the way things works is that biomom doesn't call for weeks on end. THen she will call the cw several times a day until cw finally gives in, cw calls me and asks me to drop everything and do visitation the next day. I have done that for the last time. We had visitation this past friday, even after I told the cw that ouf fs(one of the twins) had scabies AGAIN!! NOw this is the second time our family has gottent hem. Both times they are within a week or so of the biomom's visits. The biomom has been battling them since JUne. (I say she has been battling them, but she won't use the prescibed cream, doesn't do laundry and moves from house to house infecting everyone). Anyway, I told the cw on Tuesday that I had taken fs to the doctor, ped says she thinks they are scabies again, I have treated whole house but fs still has some sores on body. Biomom KNEW this as did the cw, but since biomom kept calling harrassing her and not taking no for an answer , then cw called and told me we HAD to do visitation. NOw the cw, and the supervisor as well as the biomom have all been exposed to them. We'll see what happens. I was furious when our family broke out and now it is happening again. The only person I have ever known with them is biomom. NOw she has even infected the exec director that works with her at the abuse center. . Anyway, jsut set limits and IF things aren't going well or the children are having negative effects by the visits, cut them back or off. YOu can still send the biomom pictures and letters from you, and not involve the children directly. Just my 2cents.

[tlc4kidz]

I would consider offering to continue sending her pics and letters, but maybe visitation isn't such a good idea in the beginning, and maybe that's not what she wants either. The bp's in our case filed to contest tpr, then ended up consenting. I talked with them about contesting and told them I supported their decision, but it put us in the position of possibly being put on the stand and having to testify why we thought the kids should not go home. I also had the cw sit with tem and explain that it was the process and nothing we were doing to attack them.

I was up front with them every step of the way and they told us they appreciated that and that no one had ever done that before (they had 6 prior tprs). I did consult with our attorney before I had the conversations and he gave me the go-ahead to open my heart to them. I'm not sure that it would be best in every case, but I do believe that no matter what a person's level of functioning they deserve to be treated with respect.

Hang in there, and have some conversation with a cw you trust, or someone else close to the case about the best route to take.