[mom2GRLC]

This is what scares me about my foster/adopt situation.

I have been fostering this little girl since she was 14 months old. We fell in love with her and of course wanted to adopt her if she couldn't be returned to her mother.

The mother tried to get her but...when she almost did...she turned up positive for the the drug screening right before court. The mother had seemed so determined to get her back...then 3 days later after court she sighned over her rights for termination.

There were several reasons that i know of....she was worried they would take her new baby into custody...and she might loose both of them...her family was pressuring her to move on with her life..and give her up for adoption...and she was just so sick of trying for 1 1/2 years..that she decided she was done trying..and didn't want to have to go back to court anymore...or deal with DHS.

My concern is that she jumped into her decision to quickly. She almost had her home..then 3 days later she signs over her rights....I think out of fear...more than anything...fear that her other daughter would be taken..and her fight would be long from over.

I worry that she will regret her decision....that she will always live with so much pain and loss...feeling like the system....took away her daughter...rather than her giving her up.

We talked about having a semi-open adoption. Everytime she see's her she cries..and when she has to say good bye she cries. I wonder how she will be able to deal with that...how she will be able to move on...and find peace in her decision...when she is constantly bringing that pain into her life...of having to say goodbye to her over and over again.

I feel so bad for her loss..and wonder if she will...always regret her choice..or feel like she had no choice. I don't want to be seen as the monster who stole her child away from her.

I think my desire for the open adoption...stemmed more off...trying to ease her bmothers pain...rather than...the benefits it can have for my daughter.

I know there is nothing I can do to take away her pain. I know i did everything in my power to be supportive of her bmom..even though at times...I had to testify against her for things that happend during or after the visits.

Part of me wonders if i will really feel like our DD"S mother....or if I will feel like...her fosterparent.If her bmother is still in the picture...calling and visiting.

I wrote on another post...how our DD had a very diificult emotional time before and after her goodbye visit. She really wanted her M. At one point before the visit she said..."I want my mommy" which usually means she wants me to hold her. I told her I couldn't hold her right now because i was driving. then she said..."I don't want you...I want my mommy M...I want my house..I don't want you mommy."

I know she was going through a difficult time...it just makes me think....maybe she would have been better off if her momma M didn't sign over her rights...and didn't give up trying for her. Maybe...for her to move on..and understand that she is home...that we need to not have face to face contact anymore...or at least for several months...until she is adopted and she is older and can understand..that visiting...is just that...it doesn't mean...leaving and going to her house...and being her daughter...it means...visiting. Don't get me wrong...I know she will always have her first mom. I don't want to take her place. I want her to know who she is..and how much she loves her and will always love her and be there for her. I just am confused!!!

How can I help be supportive of her firstmom...and help my little girl understand that we are her parents..and this is her house forever. At one point we got her so prepared to leave us...and go home...then it didn't work out. That only made her more confused. Before that...to her we were her Mom and Dad...this was her house. Now I still feel like whenever she sees her bmom she feel like she is supposed to make the big move to her house. When we try and talk about it..and how things have changed she doesn't understand. We have her excited about getting adopted and being our daughter forever...and staying in our home forever...then when we have a visi with her mom..she forgets...all that..and goes back to thinking..that her momma M's house is going to be her house.

What do you think I should do? How should I handle this semi-open adoption....how can i handle before and after visits...or should i let there be a break...with maybe just letters and pictures for a while. i don't want the bmom to think we've changed our mind..and don't want her in the picture..because that isn't it at all...


Urrg...I'm so confused. please help

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Jessica,

First off I want to commend you on the compassion you are showing her mom! It sounds to me like you are a great foster parent and love this little girl.

Have you discussed the semi-open adoption with her mom? If not I would seriously think about doing the letters and pictures (and even phones calls but just to you) for at least a while. This little girl's world has been turned upside down AGAIN. She was with you then you prepared her to go home, now she's told she's not going home. Poor baby!!! It's no wonder she's having such a hard time.

Our kid's mom is thrilled that I have offered the semi-open adoption. Of course she would love to see them but that's not part of our agreement, at least until they are a little older, but she told me it makes her feel so much better to just hear about them and know they're okay and being loved rather than not know anything at all. My kids were 13 months and 4 weeks old when they were placed with us so they don't remember their mom at all. It must be a lot more difficult on your little one.

If her mom is crying so bad at saying goodbye maybe you could gently suggest she steps back for a little while but be sure to reassure her that, when she's ready she is free to contact you again.

Sorry I have no better advice for you. Best of luck to all of you. I hope her mom is able to find peace in her heart to heal.

Michelle

[crick]

I agree with Michelle. For now, I think your contact should be limited to letters and picture updates. However it happened and the sadness of it all doesn't erase the fact that you are going to be her forever mom. And since that's a fact, your daughter needs to be able to really bond and attach with you without the firstmom physically there. Sounds harsh as I type this, and I'm not trying to be insensitive to her firstmom at all. However, if your daughter is to have a chance at healing, attachment etc., she needs to be with just you right now. I'm sure it's completely confusing to her and very frustrating.

And, I think that her firstmom might not be in a place where she can handle visits right now either. She too, needs the time to grieve.

I would assure her that you are not closing the door, but just stepping back a bit so that she can heal and daughter can heal.

crick

[79nic]

Jessica,

You sound so loving and so compassionate.

There are so many points in your post, I don't know where to start. Ok... first, the disclaimer: I voluntarily placed a newborn at birth, so I'm not really able to speak about what your daughter needs in terms of bonding/confusion/etc, being that she used to live with her bmom. Only you can decide what is best for your dd, anyway...

That being said...

We talked about having a semi-open adoption. Everytime she see's her she cries..and when she has to say good bye she cries. I wonder how she will be able to deal with that...how she will be able to move on...and find peace in her decision...when she is constantly bringing that pain into her life...of having to say goodbye to her over and over again.

It seems this is a common thought/fear about open adoptions. All I can say is, the saying goodbye over and over, while not easy, is for me, better than never seeing my birthdaughter. Also, each goodbye gets easier. In fact, the goodbyes don't even affect me now. It's been three and half years, and I know now in the core of my soul that D and Y are here for the long-haul, and that there will never be a last goodbye. That helps a lot. Also... seeing Marie with Y (her amom) made it impossible for me to go into denial. That's a good thing. I was forced to acknowledge that Y is her mommy. Over time, it started to feel "right" that Y is the mommy. Now, I don't even bat an eyelash when Marie runs to her mom for a kiss after falling down. Etc. It's just how it is, and I've been around it enough that it's normal to me.

I feel so bad for her loss..and wonder if she will...always regret her choice..or feel like she had no choice. I don't want to be seen as the monster who stole her child away from her.

I'm sure you know this in your head (hearts are always a different matter ), but there is really nothing you can do about this. No matter why she relinquished her rights, she'll have to come to terms with it at some point. (Something I am still trying to do, too.) She may indeed feel angry towards you for a time. It's fairly normal for birthparents to feel that way towards the adoptive parents, I think. I felt that way, even having truly voluntarily placed.

That's not to say it's FAIR or that you DESERVE it (you don't), it's just a part of the grieiving process for us: getting angry. Unfortunately, when we are angry because we don't have our kid, the easiest person to focus our anger on is the person who does have our kid. Again: it's not fair, it's not right; and it doesn't give her permission to express her anger to you or take it out on you. But she may feel angry, and there's not much you can do about it. I doubt that having an open adoption or a closed one will make any difference. In fact, if I were her I'd be more inclined to feel angry if the adoption were closed shut on me, even if only for a time. (However, you have to do what is best for your dd, and if stepping back is what's best, then just try to communicate compassionately to the bmom that you are not bowing out forever.)

I think my desire for the open adoption...stemmed more off...trying to ease her bmothers pain...rather than...the benefits it can have for my daughter.

Again, nothing you can do can take away or ease her pain. I know you know this. Just keep reminding yourself: your responsibility is to your dd.

While it is utterly, wonderfully compassionate of you to have wanted an open adoption to ease the bmom's pain, it's really up to the bmom to decide what will help her. Not anyone else. If she decides that openness is what she wants, then it's up to you to trust that she knows her own feelings and needs, and simply decide if that's what YOU want, too (for your dd). Try not to second-guess bmom. Respect her enough to believe that she knows what's best for herself.

----

That being said, I am not pushing one way or another. As I said, you have to decide what is best for your dd and your family. I am just advocating that you look at the situation from that perspective, rather than the bmom's. Bmom is (presumably) an adult--at least adult enought to have had two children--and she's responsible for her own feelings. Treat her with compassion, yes, but try not to presume to know what she needs. Let her tell you, and then decide if you meeting those needs will also help meet your dd's needs.

I know that if D and Y ever approached me and said, "We're backing off from the openness because we think it's too hard on you," I'd be furious. I'm a grown women, they are not my parents, they have no right to try to "parent" me. If, however, they approached me and said, "You know Nicole, we love having you involved in our family, you're a great person with many traits we like, and we don't want to do this, but... we feel we have to back away from the openness right now, because Marie can't handle it right now," I'd be sad, but fully supportive.

Is any of this making sense?? Sorry so long.

Again, thank you for exhibiting such kindness towards your dd's bmom. I think that is amazing of you and I have great respect for you because of it. You have a sincere, good heart, it seems. Just let yourself off the hook a little--you're not responsible for her pain.

(hugs)
Nicole

[riley6]

My younger kids were 2 and 5 when we got them. A year after the kids were placed with us, right before the tpr hearing, the bmom asked us if we would adopt the kids if she signed the papers. We told her we would and discussed the OA agreement. On that visit, we told the kids together what we had hoped for (we couldn't say it WOULD happen, bc the judge didn't order it and the bmom could have changed her mind).

After 16 months w/us, the bp's both volunarily tpr'd. We told their bmom that we needed some time to adjust as a family, since we had been telling the kids for so long that the judge would decide where they lived. We felt we needed to give them time absorb that we were their permanent family. I told bmom and her parents that we'd like to have six months, since our OA agreement had been two visits per year. We had planned that before the next visit, our adoptions would have been finalized and the kids would have been secure with us. Unfortunately, there were some issues that we needed to deal with from DCFS, so our finalization took longer than planned. I called bmom and set up an appointment for a visit. The kids didn't even recognize her or her parents sitting in the fast food restaurant. They were the only ones there. We were all very surprised that they walked right past them.

The visit was very hard on their bmom. She did cry at the end of the visit. The kids noticed and asked me in the car and I told them that it must be hard for her, bc she loves them and misses them, but she's happy that they get to live with us.

It's been about four years now and the visits seem to be easier for the kids to understand. Part of it is bc we explained that they will have two visits a year, but they will always live with us, bc the judge ordered it and he was in charge.

I would suggest talking to the bmom just like you did here and explain your feelings to her and that your dd is having a hard time with the visits right now. Ask if she'd be ok talking to your dd w/you there, about how it's ok to love your family and that your family is her family now. I think the fact that the kids' bmom and I are open and honest with them, helped them adjust to the tpr and adoption.

Good luck to you.

[2boyz1girl]

We're in a similar situation with our dd's bfather. He relinquished the day he was set to stand trial for termination. In my heart I know that he only did it because he knew he didn't stand a chance at getting custody. He had almost a year and a half to "decide" it was the "best thing for her," yet he waited until termination was staring him in the face. I fully believe that if social services hadn't moved toward termination, this would have dragged on even longer. Even when he told us that he was going to relinquish he kept stressing that he didn't want to do it. My daughter never lived with him, but she had 3-5 day, long visits which were EXTREMELY traumatic on her. She hasn't been on a visit since April and she still freaks out whenever she sees me packing suit cases. I too have questioned the openness and whether we should back off. I think it comes down to putting aside the bparent's feelings and figuring out what is really best for your daughter. We had also originally agreed to maintain contact because it was what the bfamily wanted, but my understanding of open adoption has changed a LOT over the past year. I now see open adoption as more of a responsiblity on the birthparent's part, not just a benefit to them. They (as well as us) are responsible to provide our child with answers -- answers to why they were adopted, thier family history, their medical history. And some day they (or we) may have to answer as to why they weren't involved (allowed) in our child's life. Make sense? I think that if visits are so hard on your daughter, you have every right to back off. Just keep in mind what it might do to your daughter to form the belief that people you love just go away, or other people you love keep them away.

[rnckcld07]

Our situation is a little different only in the fact we are adopting older children 9 and 11. I too know they will always feel a connection with the bmother and never want to take that away nor replace it. We have discussed keeping in touch, but after visits and contact it is difficult to come back to us on an emotional level. We have decided that in order to gain some sense of normallcy, we will not have direct contact. We have chosen to embrace their bfamily by sharing thoughts and stories. I have gotten to know their bmother quite well through their foster placement wirh us and gathered many stories to share with them. We will send pictures as they grow so they may stay connected. It is very difficult to know what is the right thing to do, you need to trust your instincts they will guide you in the right direction.

[LeslieP9]

Jessica:

I agree with most of the others--that a time away from face-to-face contact, at least between your daughter and M, would be good. One parent I know who adopted at two-year-old child in an open adoption didn't have contact between her daughter and her daughter's birthmother for a period of time (she's moved, so I don't know how long), but during that time she (the adoptive mother) and the birthmother did meet a few times. I think that contact between the two moms helped to establish a bit of a relationship apart from the child, helped to reassure the birthmother that the adoption would remain open while giving the child time to adjust to the new family, and it gave a chance to pass on information and pictures in a more personal way. Maybe this would work for a while.

[mom2GRLC]

Thank you so much for your comments. I also was able to talk to a friend of mine at church who placed a baby for adoption about 2 1/2 years ago. She also made some pretty good points...that got me thinking. I think the most important thing she told me was to write her a letter. Which i will add to and revise ....until after the adoption is final (in less than a month) then i will mail it to her. It really did help to get out my feelings..and concerns...and hopefully she will appreciate my honesty and it won't be to painful for her to hear. I mentioned things our dd says...before or after the visits..and why we feel it is important to have her become stable in our home..and her new family...before she has face to face visits....she really needs to feel like a permanent part of our family...and understand what that means...so she doesn't get so confused when it comes time to visit and she starts to think she's leaving us. I do think we will have one more visit.....soon after the adoption is finalized... after i have sent the letter to her explaining our feelings..and asking her for her thoughts.I think it would be good for her to explain to our DD who her new family is..and that she won't be coming home to live with her anymore. I wish we could have talked about all of this...before the goodbye visit...so we don't have to go through it again..right after the adoption. But then again....it was this last visit and how it affected our little girl...that made us decide we needed to help our little girl feel a part of our family..forever...because she was still so confused.

I just hope that the bmom can understand...our intentions..and not feel like we mislead her and don't want her involved in her life anymore...because we definatly want her to remain in contact.

I have also come to realize...that this was her choice...she did not have to give her child up...she could have continued to try....(I know I would have) this is a choice she made..and it will be hard....wether there is contact direct contact or not....There is nothing i can do to take away her pain...and i can't punish myself...as her new parent...to try and ease her pain. I need to enjoy my little girl...and the new family I have...and what a blessing she is to me. I have no control over...what brought her to my home...and the fact that she came up for adoption...but i do have control over her future...and to help her live a happy, normal(if there is such a thing) life. I have to make decisions...that are best for my (soon to be daughter) and what is in her best interests...and not worry so much about the things...I have no control over. Hopefully her bmom...will understand the reasons why we need to limit the face to face contact until she is more secure....and even though it will be difficult....she will hopefully agree that is in her bdaughters best interests. Hopefully she will see the honesty...and concern in my letter and be able to trust me...as her new mother..and know that I don't want to hurt her...and am not trying to push her away...just trying to figure out what is best for our little girl...right now...and that does not mean....forever...just until she is old enough to understand....and build a healthy relationship with her forever family and her first family.

I hope that does make sense...if you have any further advice...please let me know. Thanks. jessica

[mom2GRLC]

Wow!!!

It's wierd how things just happen to be falling into place.
I just got a call from our bmom today and found out she is moving TOMMORROW out of state.

I haven't given her my letter yet...because we weren't going to have any contact till after our adoption. I was so afraid at how she would take it...and wether she wouldn't trust us anymore....and be angry with us. Well, now we don't have to worry about it....she made that decision herself..to move...which means we will have the semi-open adoption...with letters and pictures..that we had hoped for....and not be worried about being overloaded with face to face visists and confusion for our little girl.

Actually I haven't talked to the bmom directly about the move...she left a message on my phone asking me to call her...when i did..she wasn't there but i talked to the great grandma...about the move and her concerns about the bmom's temper and fears about her knowing to much about where we live...etc.

So given the extra info i found out today i will look into getting a 1-800# or P.O. box for her to contacts us in the future.

Thank you so much for all your help...and comments...it was nice to be able to really figure out what was best for my daughter before her adoption.

When we do talk to the bmom again today or tomorrow...we may arrange one last visit before she leaves...to give her some more pictures...and let her have more closure....if she needs it...it might help our little girl to hear her say goodbye.....since the "goodbye visit" was more of a "well I'll see you again soon"..kinda thing. But I'm not sure....

If she doesn't ask..we won't offer....because our little girl hasn't talked about her at all since the last visit..and I know it would bring up more confusion...at least initially.

What would you do? Would you offer one last visit...or would you say no...since we weren't really given any notice....I'm not sure what time she is leaving tomorrow...and we already had plans for tonight(they can be changed). I'm kinda on the fence here about the idea of a visit.....tonight...and i don't want to do it tomorrow because my husband will be at work...and i want his support.

If anything it would just be more closure for her bmom...it will probably set our little girl back again(?are we willing to make that sacrifice?...incase this is the last visit she will ever have with her bmom before she turns old enough to search her out). i know she probably won't give her any baby pictures...or stuff like that...because we have asked several times and still have not received them.

My first instinct (thinking only of the bmom)was to let her have one last visit...but my mind and heart is saying...No...she already had her goodbye visit...there is no need to keep putting my little girl through this emotional turmoil and confusion. Her bmom knew there would be no more visits until after her adoption was final and that as soon as it was finalized I would call her and we would go from their discussing visits/calls/letters/or pictures. Again...it was her choice to make the move now....and to give us such little notice...we don't owe her anything. Yes, we will always have respect for her...but...that does not mean letting her set the terms for our child.

Why am I making such a big deal of this? Why am I happy she is moving? Why am I sad and dissapointed she is moving? URGGG so many emotions...so many confusing things for me to figure out...and my poor little girl in the middle of it all...with no choice.