[mamasoon]

I know I am posting this a little late to get any advice or support but I think it is just helpful for me to write. Today is the goodbye visit for the birthparents. It has been cancelled about 4 times because one person or another couldnt make it. My stomach is in knots about it. Birthmother has only seen the boys twice in the last year and I have no idea when the last time the birthfather saw them. I just want it to go as well as it can, it is very sad for them and I will try to put all of my own selfish feelings aside and be as supportive as I can. I bought a disposable camera for them to use if they dont bring one, also some pictures for each of them.
I will try and write later to let you know how it goes. Thank you for all of your past support!

Kathy

[msheartofgold]

mamasoon Oh may sorry to hear the way you're feeling about the good by visit just be strong you never know how the bparents my react at this visit i'll heard stories.
Good luck best wishes

[mom2GRLC]

We have our goodbye visit this coming tuesday.

Last time it was scheduled the bmom didn't show up. I know it was a hard day for her.

I was a little put off because we have talked about having a semi-open adoption...we waited at the DHS office for an hour for the bmom who never called or showed up. My fd is almost 3 and she was excited to see her....then we had to leave...with the present we had stayed up late making for her. I know our little girl was dissapointed and so was I.

They finally rescheduled it...and I'm really hoping she does show up. If she doesn't i may have to rethink how open we might have this adoption be. I don't want my little girl to be put through trauma...because the bmom sets up a visit then doesn't show.

I understand how difficult this visit is....even though she will continue to hear from her and see her...it's just the idea behind it...her last real visit before her child becomes an official member of someone else's family.

I hope she will know how much a care for her...and how much I wish i could take her pain away. She signed over her rights...so it's not like she was just snatched away from her...but I'm sure she will be going through so many different feelings.

Before the last vist...I was so sick to my stomack....I knew what she must be going through that night before...and I felt so bad she had to go through that pain. I'm not sure how I will feel as our day gets closer...I just hope that I can be supportive to her bmom and convey my sympathy and love that i have for her.

I hope your visit went well today...hopefully they got some really good pictures. I also hope your children will be able to handle the feelings they are feeling and share them with you so you can console them and comfort them during this hard time as well.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Kathy,

I just wanted to say good luck today. Luckily I won't have to go through this with our 2 because they are so young and don't know their bio. parents.

I can't even imagine the emotions the parents and your child will be going though. I loved the disposable camera idea. Congratulations for thinking of it. It will, I'm sure, be very special to them.

Michelle

[mamasoon]

Well I wanted to update on the goodbye visit. In a nutshell, it went as well as something like this could go. I could tell they were very nervous when they got there but I just kind of backed into a corner a bit and let them be parents for the time that they could. They brought gifts for the boys and they played and I talked to them about their developement. I am so glad I brought the camera for them as they didnt bring one. I think they really appreciated it and they used it right up. I also took pictures for the boys with my camera. I have to admit that I would get the heebie jeebies a bit when they were saying come give mama some sugar. yuck but I know that I needed to let go of my selfishness and realize that they do love these children and this is the last time they will be seeing them for a long time. The hardest part was when we had to go, I let them take the kids and put them in their seats and kind of stayed back with the worker. I hugged the birthfather and told him that I was so glad to have met him and then I hugged birth mom and told her that I was sorry for her pain and we were both crying and it was so so very sad. I can not possibly fathom the pain that these two people are feeling. I have never felt that they were bad people, sometimes people make bad choices, sometimes people are just not capable. I think it meant a lot to them that I told them I would talk to the boys about them and tell the boys that they loved them. Gosh, its very hard to relate the feelings and emotions surrounding something like this. This is not something that makes anyone feel relieved or better-its a sad sad experience as far as I am concerned. As far as the boys-I am so stinkin pround of my 3 1/2 year old. He played and acted like a great kid-he didnt act standoffish ( I could tell he couldnt remember them) or say anything that would hurt their feelings. He is great. The baby was a bit shy but once I got out his ball and gave it to the birthfather to play with him-he was soon laughing and having fun. I think it was great for the dad to have that experience also. Anyhoo, I think that is all I can write for now. I am feeling very drained and tired. I thank you for your good thoughts today and I wish you all well wherever you are in your journeys.
thanks,
Kathy

[kforkids]

Our fson's goodbye visit is next Thursday. I'm dreading it. It will be at a counciling session. Both our fson and his biomom will have the support of the CW, the therapist and myself. I sorta wish I didn't need to be involved, but the CW wants it this way.

I would not have thought of a camera. That is a great idea!

It's the fallout after the goodbye that I am really dreading, not the visit itself. He saw his biomom two weks before Christmas after not seeing her since the end of September. His behavior afterwards was incredibly awful!

[sfbaymom2000]

mamasoon,

I am happy for you that the visit went well, under the circumstances. You sound like a very compassionate person.

kforkids,

Good luck with your visit. Even though we are early in the process, I always try to think ahead to when M is an adul (and how she might feel about how things were handled). It may mean a lot to your son later on that you were at the good-bye visit, and gracious to his birth parents.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

mama I'm glad that's behind you. It sounds like you handled it very well. I admire you for the respect you showed their parents, especially by staying in the background. I'm sure they loved the camera and will cherish the photos.

Michelle

[ACmom]

Our daughter was 2 when we had our last visit with bmom. I gave her a photo album filled with photos from previous visits and our own burgeoning collection and our sw used a polaroid camera. My dh and I felt so drained afterward and a little like kidnappers but we knew in our hearts it was the best for everyone. Our poor babe had a very rough few weeks after the visit. Be prepared for that. She was just out of sorts and acting out all the time. We agreed to stay in touch through our sw and I would write letters with new photos but the bmom never got in touch again. I still have a hard time when we read the lifebook and I know this poor woman's pain. However, our daughter has multiple special needs and her bmom would never have been able to handle even one of them effectively. It helps to remember what is best for our kids and that usually is us doing our best!

[kforkids]

Our goodbye visit is today. I rearranged my schedule to take my fson. No problem there! Two of my other kids came home sick from school this morning. Yuck! They now have a doctor's appointment 15 minutes before the visit. I'm so torn. We have it currently that I will take my fson, my husband will take the other two to the doctor. I hate having sick kids be with anyone but me, I feel like they need mom then! My fson looked flushed at achool, but didn't feel feverish and didn't feel warm to me. He said he felt okay. I want this visit to happen, and want him to be at his best! I guess I'm just borrowing trouble.
I'm sending fson to the visit with a card and two pictures for bio mom, as well as two disposable cameras- one for him and one for biomom.
How has the *after* visit been for you all???

[mamasoon]

Hello K,
as far as the after effects. I have not noticed anything out of the ordinary for my boys but it might be too early to tell as it has only been a week. My 3 1/2 year old seems to get into trouble at least once a week for something. (not napping, hitting someone, being defiant) I dont think his behaviours are that extreme. I think he is just being 3 years old.

I hope your visit goes well.

Kathy

[mom2GRLC]

My foster/adopt daughter had her goodbye vist on tuesday. I told her the night before who we were going to see the next day and she was happy. (she will be 3 next month). The morning of the visit was a lot harder for her. She was having a lot of mixed feeling and she was having a hard time emotionally. She kept crying over the littlest things..and saying she wanted to see her Momma M. When i told her...we were going soon....she would get more upset and want to see her NOw..not later. Then she talked about going to her house again (like she used to for unsupervised visits) I told her...she couldn't go to her house anymore..and that we were going to the DHS building to see her in a few minutes...she continued to get upset and argue that she wanted to go to her house. She was confused and sad and angry....I felt so bad for her...as i tried to explain to her...what was happening..and how long she would see her and that kind of stuff. At one point she said..."I want my mommy" which usually means I want you to hold me mommy. When I told her that I was driving and couldn't hold her right then..she said..."I don't want you mommy ....I want my M...I want her house....I don't want you."

It was so hard to hear....I know she is going through so many conflicting feelings and confusion and grief... I tried not to take it personally...just told her how much I loved her..and how much M loves her too..and then continued to explain that she was visiting her..and then I would come and pick her up and bring her home...because we love her so much...and she will be in our home forever.

Then, when we finally got to the DHS building...she talked up a storm..and was happy while we were waiting. When M showed up....our little girl didn't say a thing but she was smiling. I had her give her the present we made for her (a keepsake picture box W/ pictures inside and a heart with her hand print in it.) After about 10 minutes....I took off to let them have some private time together.

When i came back...our dd was crying and tired..and emotionally drained. We stayed and talked for a minute while we tried to help her put on her shoes and get ready to go. At first she clang to M's leg....then, after putting her shoes on...I held her and told her it's ok to be sad. She was crying now, but not for M. She was crying because she wanted her "handprint" she had made. I tried to tell her why we made it..and that she could make another one...to keep at our house. She cried all the way out to the car...for the handprint...then once she was in the car...she cried about several other things all the way until we got home.

Once home...she happily played with her babies...and only had 2 other crying...wanting to be held...fits later that day. It's now 2 days later..and she is completely fine..hasn't even mentioned her and has been a happy little girl.

I think every child is going to react differently....especailly since some kids are used to seeing their bparents and others don't really remember them. I assume it would be harder on the kids...who have not seen their families for a long time..and then all the feelings come back to them again..and they don't know what to do with them.

I hope your vist went well, let us know what happened!!!

[kforkids]

Well, it went and went as well as could be imagined! D who is 8, clammed up when we got there. The SW said he just played with the toys in the therapist's office and answered questions in single word answers. They took several pictures, and then came out and got me and took lots of us all together. Would you believe it was possible to take 54 pictures in an hour???
When his biomom went to say goodbye, D buckled himself in my car and then had verbal diarrhea all over biomom. He talked for nearly twenty minutes! It was getting cold and she hadn't brought a coat, so biomom finally said, "I'm getting sadder by the minute, I have to go now" and she did.
She handled herself beautifully. We took pictures for him with our arms around each other. We hugged goodbye. I felt very comfortable. HE has a thin shell right now over a quivering emotional mess. He's wanting to do homework which he never volunteers to do! I think he just can't deal yet and isn't yet able to share either.