[sfbaymom2000]

Need to vent once again. I had called to make an appointment with our regular dentist for M. I explained our situation, for insurance purposes and so the visit could be handled gently and sensitively. I specifically said I did not want to have to explain it (foster situation, lack of previous dental care) in front of M, and was assured the dentist would be informed and would be discreet.

On the form they had me fill out, which he had in his hand (and looked at), it said twice that she is our foster child. At the start of the exam he asked me, "so she is a foster child?". Although I was surprised, I didn't think too much or say anything at the time. They handled the rest of the visit fairly well. But now it is really bothering me. I am wondering if I should call and point out that they did exactly what I asked them not to do? Hopefully they could then be more tactful in any future situations with us or other people. Am I just being overly sensitive? Some of you may have seen my other thread on that topic....

Thanks!

[Cobb]

sfbaby,

I think there will always be situations where people will speak without thinking, so you need to prepare your fd to hear these things. IMO the best way to handle this is to let your fd know that the fact that she is a foster child doesn't have to be a secret. I totally agree that her entire history shouldn't be shared (you'll have to talk to her as she gets older about what's private and personal), but that she is a foster child is the reality of her truth. She needs to know that there is nothing shameful or embarassing about that. I know from your other posts that you don't send that message to her and are more concerned about others who are insensitive. But, I think that anytime we say something shouldn't be talked about it makes our children wonder why. She should never feel that this information reflects on her worth. After all, it wasn't her choice to be in the system, she's an innocent.

So, maybe you could come up with a few responses to those who are insensitive that are beneficial for your daughter to hear. Don't go from the perspective of saying something to make others feel comfortable, but to let your daughter know her worth and the pride you have in her. Does that make sense? I'm trying to think of some examples, but right now am coming up short. If I think of anything specific, I'll repost.

I really commend you for keeping her story private. So often children get discussed without regard to how that affects them. To those who inquire as to why she's in the system. Simply state that is M's story and that it is for her to decide what she wants to share as she grows older. While M might not understand now, you will be laying the foundation to empower her to own her history.

I assure you that everything will become easier... With time dealing with these types of situations will be second nature.

[HappyMomAnna]

For a very long time I carried some business cards with me everyplace that simply stated--"My beautiful children are being adopted by me from the Foster Care system. I have not been their mother for very long. If you have any questions please feel free to call me after 8:00 pm and I would be happy to talk with you."

This card did help to some extent but there have been so many situation that I have been completely angry over. Once in the Doctors office I was talking with the receiptionist about the last name being changed because the adoption had finalized. A woman in the waiting room asked me several questions RIGHT in front of our five year old..... and then went on to say things like--We have thought about adopting from the Foster Care system but heard the kids are really messed up!

I just looked at her and said--Yes they can be when they overhear comments like the one you just made.

The biz cards did help me very much and I did have a few calls from people who were actually interested......

[Cobb]

Great response Anna! That's what I meant when I was trying to describe saying something for your child's benefit, not the person who's being rude and insensitive...

I'm sure there are many others who have similar stories, I look forward to hearing how everyone's handled this...

[crick]

I probably would have just said "yes, she is but not for long as soon she'll be ours forever." Then it turns it into a positive direction and more often than not you'll hear "oh, that's great!"

I agree, people say things without thinking and usually don't mean to be insensitive. It's important I think to smile often and say things that help make others see it's a good thing and not a bad thing. There's nothing "wrong" with being a foster child and M needs to know it's just a part of her, not her whole being. In other words, don't allow others to make that label her whole existence.

For example, I have been almost deaf for most of my life. When I was little, if people said things like "oh, she is deaf or can't hear", my mom usually said "yes, and she's also smart, funny and cute" etc. which helped open people's eyes a bit. Also taught me that being deaf was not a shameful thing, just a part of who I am.

Obviously there are those who are just plain rude etc. and that calls for some different handling at times. However, in this case, I think the dentist was just preparing in some ways for the visit. You might call again and explain your irritation but I really don't think he meant to be rude.

Crick

[Jensboys]

Our worst experience was at the hair dressers as she cut our boys hair she quizzed them and us with DEEPLY personal questions. I sat there and watched as my sons sunk deeper and deeper into their chairs. They were 3 and 4 and its now almost 6 years later and EVERY time we drive by that shop they say "We wont ever go back there because that lady was rude and mom said so".

Now, I would of QUICKLY ended the conversation, back then I didnt have the guts.

Also we had a horrible time getting our kids immunizations up to date (and I did file a complaint). The receptionist demanded that I give the kids' bmom's name to her so she could do a "search" on their immunizations. I FIRMLY told her that I had their immunization records, their birthmom's name was private information, and that AS THEIR MOTHER, I was making an appointment to get their shots updated.

Of course, then there was the school secretary who (AFTER I HANDED HER THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATES) asked if they had the same dad. When I asked her how on earth that could be relevant information to her, she replied by saying that "It might come up in the halls and we should know". I said that if it ever came up, I would be happy to address it myself.

Saying all that - I would call the dentist's office and make mention that the exact one thing you didnt want to have happen - did happen.

[sfbaymom2000]

Thanks for the replies. I think just venting about it helped me feel better. We had M's new therapist here this morning, and I was surprised how much and what she said in front of M. Maybe I am naive. I guess I was just wanting to shield M from pain and/or confusion. I don't want her to feel "different" to the point of being uncomfortable (being different is great sometimes!).

I agree that being a foster child should not be shameful in any way, but unfortunately it does have a stigma in our society. I think a big part of my concern is that people do not label her or see her as "just" a foster child, or just feel sorry for her...and not see the many other aspects of her, like crick88 was saying.

I have to say that I know the dentist's intentions were good. He gave me one of those "you're an angel" looks and said how wonderful I was to do this. I said that M is a sweetheart and we are hoping she'll be with us permenantly. I don't think I will call, as I don't want to feel akward in the future and don't want to change dentists!

Anna - I think your card idea is great! Actually, I have been surprised how nicely some people have handled their first introduction to M. We will run into someone at school or the store that did not know we were trying to adopt, and they will say "Oh, are you babysitting?". I say with a smile, "This is M. She joined our family a few weeks ago." Most people have said "That's great. Congratulations" without any further questions. One time a neighbor apparently did not hear the "a few weeks ago" and said that she hadn't seen me pregnant (M is 4 years old!). I did have to explain a bit to her (basically saying, "I wasn't...she just joined us".

Well, since I have to vent about something every day these days...I am trying to remember why I every married DH . He is not very understanding about how hard this is on me right now...wants to get into a debate about who has is harder (he works all day, etc.). I told him it is not a competition and I just want some support...but then I hear how he needs support, blah, blah, blah. He will literally not lift a finger to help me with household stuff the last few days, even when I ask him to do a small thing....and I have had to do a lot of cleaning as we have had someone here (SW, therapist, b-day party, etc.) every day for about 5 days straight. He is usually not like this. I think he is learning some passive aggressive behaviros from M, LOL. Anyway, I am taking good advantage of the support of some friends. And thank all of you for your support...it really helps!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Comments other people make can really hurt our children! I've actually had a woman tell me that I dress my kids nice "for foster kids" (the receptionist at the doctor's office was kind enough to announce that throughout the entire waiting area in the form of a question). I very quickly asked her how she feels foster kids should dress? Maybe in rags like Oliver? She was speechless and I felt better but then had to deal with the receptionist. UGH!

I do have to agree, however, that MOST people don't mean to be insensitive. They just have no idea how hurtful their questions/comments can be to these kids.

I also feel very awkward when people say how wonderful or what a special person it takes to do this. UGH, I have heard that AT LEAST a thousand times over the past 2 years! I don't feel special or wonderful for doing this, I feel like a mom! Our kids are wonderful, they are the ones that survived, we just help them pick up the pieces and learn that there are adults you can trust.

I had a respiratory therapist make a comment the other day while my 1 y/o fs was hospitalized. She said something about his "real mom." I've seen posts on here about those words hurting people but, to be honest, it never bothered me until that day. This baby has been with us for almost a year and is VERY sick. He is not expected to live past the age of 5 (if that long). We have sat with him, loved him, fed him (using medicine syringes), did breathing treatments, all his MANY, MANY medications for the past year - boy did her words CRUSH ME. We are in the process of adopting him and our other 2 that we've had for 2 years. I feel no less their "real mom" than I do my 2 biological sons. I let her comment go because the folks at this hospital have cared for him for a year prior to him coming to us so they know this family and C's situation. I know she meant no harm but it still hurt. The nurses and entire staff treat him like the little Prince that he is LOL. I'm sure I'll have another opportunity to educate her as we're in the hospital fairly often (usually once a month for a few days). Hopefully I'll be less tired/emotional then.

Michelle

[roxanna425]

The first time I took my foster children to the dentist the receptionist knew the story (since they are a Medicaid dentist and it took FOREVER to find them) so we got through the waiting area and the forms fine but after the examination the desntist asked me to wait in the lobby and I refused to leave my fson and he seemed upset. I asked him why and he said he was planning to call CPS on me since my fson had the worse case of sub-gumline tooth decay he had ever seen and the neglect that could cause this had to be criminal.

I was flabbergasted. I am a sw-er and I gave him my card and gave him the name of my child's caseworker and said that he is a foster child and that they both suffered from neglect, period. He apologized and treated them both well and we still go to that dentist. Medicaid-accepting dentists are not a diem a dozen and apart form wanting to call CPS on me he has been a great dentist to the kids.

My children are 5 and 7, they remember their mother and feel the need to explain sometimes that their "real" mom couldn't be their mommy because she has a disease but that I take good care of them and we are a family because we love each other and take care of each other. Over Christmas we had an older member of a collegue's family ask me, point blank, where their mother was (even after I told her that these children are with me because their mother cannot parent them right now) and my seven year old said her mother was ill and walked away and so did I. Sometimes people are very insensitive.

[sfbaymom2000]

Michelle,

I am sorry to hear your son is so sick...sounds like he has cystic fibrosis? If so, I know how devastating that disease is. I know you will make him as confortable and possible and help him to get that most out of his life. Hang in there!


Roxanna,

That is an amazing story about the dentist! Hope your kids teeths' teeth have improved with treatment. We are very lucky that M's teeth are in pretty good shape, according to this dentist. Just one small cavity. Her siblings' teeth are apparently in horrible shape.

Have a good day!