[sfbaymom2000]

Hi,

M has been with us almost 3 weeks. She has sibs, but only talks about the one she spent the most time with. She often mentions him to other people (my friends). Usually she will just say how old he is. Nobody has yet asked who he is. What should I say if/when they do? I do not want to explain aything about her background or her siblings to people that have no need to know. But I don't want to diminish his importance to her. I guess I could say "He is somebody very special to M". If she happens to say, "He is my brother" I know that will start up the questions. I guess I will just have to say (as I have had to already) "We have made the decision to keep that information private." Does anybody have any advice?

Thanks!

[lovemy6]

Our children all have other siblings. We are honest with people when the children bring them up. If they say something like, "I remember when my big sister and I did such-and-such", I just acknowledge that that is a nice memory or whatever. When sibling visits have been at our home and we had plans to do something at church or at the community center, the siblings come with us. They are introduced as so-and-so's sister or brother. People who know us know that our children are adopted. It only seems natural to me that children have other siblings. The only question people really ask is why the children aren't together. I answer that it wasn't possible at the time of placement.

With the vast difference in family situations now a days, it's very common for siblings to be living with different parents, half-siblings.

[leenab]

We go through that quite often. Raj is one of 11 children that his biomom has had SO FAR. He talks about 3 of his siblings and we just let him do it. We haven't had any strange questions other than do they all live with you? But Raj is old enough now that he's starting to do his own explaining of things and we leave it at that. He has a great relationship with one of his biosisters and she comes over for dinner and playdates. We've had people ask why the children don't live together Raj usually tells them that they live in their own houses and ar happy there. So it does get easier.

Hang in there,
LeenaB

[Jensboys]

Our boys also have sisters being raised by their birthmom. That is just what they call them ... their sisters (lol sometimes). I was very proud of my oldest son this past summer when he mentioned to someone commenting on how we only had boys in our family that he also had two birth sisters.

The reality is that your daugther DOES have a brother. Calling him "someone special" will diminish that relationship to your daughter. I KNOW how hard that is in the beginning when you want your other daughter and your new daughter to feel like sisters. But it DOES get easier - and this is the reality of your daughter's life -she has brothers and sisters she doesnt live with. I think thats ok to share

I promise, it will all feel more comfortable given enough time.

[sfbaymom2000]

Thanks for the guidance. You all have some good points. It is not that I am trying to hide anything - it's more that I don't want to give out too much personal information (why they were removed, why they were split up, etc.) when it is not necessary. I know the mention of siblings will lead to those questions, but I guess I will just have to deal with them (stating that that information is private). I also like the explanation offered by lovemy6, that it wasn't possible at placement, and also leeab's response that they have their own homes and are happy there.

When M talks about her brother, or one other birth relative, I listen and encourage her to tell me more. Sometimes I say that I bet she misses them, and it is okay to talk about it if she feels sad. I am not worried about the relationship between C and M, just worried about people who are overly curious about the details.

One other thing that complicates things right now is that I don't want to be saying "She has X siblings", when she seems to be only remembering one. Of course she will need to know about the others, and there is some talk of sibling visits down the road. But with all she is going through right now, and has gone through, I don't want to confuse her more at this time. I guess if she is only talking about *, and someone asks who that is, I will say he is her brother. But if they then ask if she has any other siblings, what do I say at that point? I am just trying to be prepared. Thanks so much for the input!

[leenab]

sfbaymom,
you brought up sibling visits down the road. Just wanted to share our experience with that. Our son Raj is the only one who's ever had sibling visits. We started visits 3 months after placement. We felt like he was settled in at that point at least enough to visit with siblings.

Raj had one with his brother H and lost it emotionally and started self mutilating behaviors. Raj also started sneaking into our bedroom at night, every night for 2 months wanting to sleep with us and make sure we were there. So we waited a few months and tried another one with H, this time Raj told us he dodn't want to see him anymore. So he hasn't seen H since August.

Raj also has a similar reaction to seeing his sister A, and has asked to not see her anymore as well.

Raj adores his sister S and just saw her last week. For him the only close sibling he has is S. Raj does ask why we can't adopt S. Before moving to our new house we told him we just didn't have enough room. Well, now the case is that we do have the room. So it's something we're really thinking about. Although the state wants to place S & A together. And I know we can't handle A's behavoiral problems.

So don't be surprised if M has a strange reaction to any of her siblings. It can/does happen. The best thing to do is follow her lead as to how much contact she wants and if she can emotionally handle that level of contact.

[sfbaymom2000]

Leena,

That must be really tough. You know what you can handle and what you can not. Don't feel pressured into something or feel guilty for not doing it, if it is not right for your family.

I am very concerned about sibling visits. At first, I thought it would be good for her because I have read so much about it being improtant to adoptees to know someone else in the world who "looks like them" or "has the same blood". Now I am very concerned because of people's experiences with sibling visits that I have read on this board. The one sib M talks about is the reason (his behaviors) that he and she disrupted from their prior fost/adopt placement. The behavior alone is serious enough to cause concern that a visit with him could be traumatic for her.

Another sibling apparently has RAD, and another is "prentified". My husband wants to fight the visits with everything we can, but I don't know if there is much we can do. I believe there is a court order requiring the visits, but they are on hold due to the disrupted placement last month.

I am documenting all M's behaviors and issues, in case any of that can be used to determine if visits will be good for her or not (by her therapist and/or the SW's and the court).

[Howdy]

When my second fdaughter would mention her sister to people, if they then made a comment that required a response (e.g., "you have another daughter? what grade is she in?"), I would just say (with honesty but obvious not the whole story): "Her sister lives with her father in another state" and no one ever asked any prying questions, they always just said 'oh' and moved on to some other subject.

My first foster daughter was more of a problem because she went around announcing to all and sundry that she had 4 sisters and 4 brothers. Which was not even true. But since she also was not at all bashful at telling people she was a foster child, and appeared to relish any opportunity to explain that children become foster children when their parents are bad and the police come break down the door and yell at everyone, I never really had to make any comments to any questions.

Sibling (3 girls and a boy, all in separate placements) visits were not a problem for any of the girls, but the fmom of their brother didn't like to bring him to visits because he would misbehave afterwards (but he was happy during the visit). I think that was because he was too young (3 yrs) to verbalize his feelings, and maybe because he was FAE. There was definitely some teasing, roughhousing, and insult-trading among the girls (7, 11, 13 yrs), but it was (in my opinion) just normal sibling interaction.

My fd was sad to be separated from her sibs, so it was nice to have visits, and I enjoyed her sisters. They were all very nice kids, though one was considered 'unadoptable' due to bad behaviors (no one told me what) and had to live in a residential place instead of with a f-family, and the eldest had acted as the mom to the two younger children so probably could have been called parentified. She was a very nice girl and tho it is too bad for her to have lost out on getting to be a child herself, it was a great thing for the young siblings that their older sister took care of them.

[roxanna425]

Jensboys
The reality is that your daugther DOES have a brother. Calling him "someone special" will diminish that relationship to your daughter. I KNOW how hard that is in the beginning when you want your other daughter and your new daughter to feel like sisters. But it DOES get easier - and this is the reality of your daughter's life -she has brothers and sisters she doesnt live with. I think thats ok to share

I promise, it will all feel more comfortable given enough time.

I also let my foster children talk about their 5 brothers and sisters openly (as I allow them to talk about their mother openly since they remember her) since it's a fact that they have them. Saying, "It's too private to talk about." just makes people imagine the worst. It's just human nature. If people ask me why they were removed I just say because their mother was unable to parent. No one has asked for more about the mom. If they ask them about their brothers and sisters I feel it's affirming and "normal" for them to talk about them. I don't want my children to feel unduly differnt or like something about them is secret or something they have to hide. My children also have monthly visits with their brothers and sisters and they talk about what they do at the visits, where they go and the presents they get from their siblings.

[roxanna425]

if you choose not to comply with a court ordered visitation you can be held in contempt of a court order and the children can be placed in another home. the bahaviors have to be severe for court ordered visitation to be rescinded.

[leenab]

A word about court ordered visitations. Raj's visits with his siblings were ordered by the court. We went to the first one and only H showed up, the cw for A & S didn't bother to bring the girls. This was in april. And then Raj had the bad reaction to H, so we didn't continue. His behaviors were severe enough that the cw & supervisor thought it would be best to stop visits. (note: TPR had already occured so Raj was legally free).

In August we went to H's 10th b-day party and that was a complete disaster. H even left the party for a while and told Raj that he smelled like fish and had crabs/bugs. Not a very nice thing for H to say, and he said it in front of me.

In August we also met S & A for the first time at S's 8th b-day party. A(6 yrs old) has a ton of issues which were very evident within the first few minutes of meeting her. She actaully tried to convince me to adopt her and when I tried to skirt the issue she got mad at me & Raj. A even got into a fight with another girl at the party. A few months ago A was in RTC for a breakdown.

Anyway it just seems like S gets along well with Raj. So she's the only we really keep in contact with. She is somewhat "parentified" but when she comes over I tend to really spoil her and make sure she doesn't feel like she has to take care of Raj. Raj has great stories he tells us about S giving him bottles when he was little. So I know she really cared for him a lot. The last time S was here she and I took our puppy on a walk so I got to know her a little bit better.

I suggest trying a visit. You never really know before hand how it's going to turn out. I never thought I'd have Raj's sister S ovver for dinner, but it's so normal for it to happen now.

Hang in there,
LeenaB

[sfbaymom2000]

Thanks Howdy and Leena. Your responses were helpful in knowing what to possibly expect with visits.

Roxanna, thank you for your opinions, but I never said I had any intention of not complying with a court order. We are hopeful that the court order may be rescinded or modified. If you must know, the behavior was absolutely serious enough to warrant that. I am sure you would not want your child subjected to a person who vicitmized her. I think my last sentence made it very clear that I understood the decision would be up to SW's, therapists, and the court.

Roxana, I understand your point that we should not try to hide anything or act as if it is shameful. Again, I don't believe I said anywhere that I would not "allow" M to talk about her birth family...with me or with anyone else. However, I still don't believe I have any obligation to enlighten every all the details of M's family and history. If they ask her directly, she can answer whatever she wants, although I think that would be inappropriate for an adult to ask her.

If I am asked, I will try the response suggested, that her siblings are in other homes and are happy there.

[roxanna425]

If it's documented behavior you can probably get the visitation modified but unfortunately, until TPR is finalized, children often have visitation with the perpetrators of their abuse (ie parents) and unless there are enough behaviors that are serious enough for the sw to request a new hearing to amend the vistation order it likely won't happen so document. The decsion is really up to the judge.

Adults will ask all sorts of things, sometimes like in school, they will ask when we are not there to protect the child from having to answer. This is why I feel it's best for the child to know that a truthful answer is ok. That's just my opinion. My foster children are encouraged to talk about themselves and their lives in a forthright manner. I don't feel an obligation to do anything but what's in the best interest of my child. That is why when they give a strange or inconsistent asnwer I don't feel the need to elaborate or explain. Whatever they say is fine. Whatever you decide for your family is what is right for them. That just my way. I am sorry if you didn't find it helpful.

[want2adopt3only]

We like ours to visit sibs, but we're getting closer to adopt time, appeal of TPR in May. DHS wants at least 4 sibs placed together. We had 4th moved due to sexual abuse of Bro. and bro's severe behavior issues resulting from it. Any ideas for getting our 3 without 1 having to live with his rapist? oops, "inappropriaite toucher who was engaging in normal sexual exploration"

[sfbaymom2000]

want2adopt3only,

How many sibs are there all together? Our fost/adopt daughter is one of four full sibs - and several half sibs not in the picture (living with/placed with birth relatives on bdad's side). All four are separated, and that is the one concern our SW's and court workers have...that the court "will not be thrilled that they have been separated". Complicated story as to why they have been separated. I have been thinking that they hopefully would not uproot them all once again and try to place them in an adoptive home together...since it was not possible before. Do you think that is a real possibility in your case? If anyone else has any experience with similar situations please share your thoughts.

I sure hope everything works out for you and your kids. Best of luck!