[bumpkin]

Just wanted to ask for some prayers and good thoughts. DH and I are meeting with our twins BIO Mom next week and hopefully later in the week she will voluntarily relinquish her rights and we can move onto finalization.

I always knew that I would probably meet her at some time, but still am so nervous. The mediator wants it to be just her and us, and I just feel so vulnerable, like if the meeting goes the wrong way there won't be anyone to step in. Is this just expected anxiety?


Bumpkin

[riley6]

I've had over 20 foster kids. I've met all of their bfamilies. (Some were siblings so there weren't 20 bmoms.) The bmom is probably going to be just as nervous as you will be. Just be yourself and remember that this mom is losing her children, for whatever reason. She's going to be in pain. Some people act sad when they're hurting, some angry. Let her know how much you love the children and that you will never say bad things about her to the children. I think this is the fear that most DCFS birthmoms have. If you're up to it, let her know you will send her pictures and updates of the babies.

Good luck on your visit. Let us know how it goes.

[bumpkin]

Riley - Thank you for the response. That makes sense, that she would be just as nervous. I totally agree with your sentiments about not speaking poorly to the children about their birthparents. Who can that help? I have agreed to one visit a year and pictures (having reservations about the visit, but can't go back now) I'm still nervous about the lack of structure...seems like we're being left on our own a bit, but it will probably be OK. Do you think it's strange that we won't have any of the workers with us? and that it's not being held at a center?

[Jensboys]

When I met my boys birthmom she too was nervous. She knew, as well as I did, that I held alot of knowledge about her kids in my hands.

I showed her some albums of pictures of the kids. We laughed and talked about their behaviors and what they like or dont like.

I taped (with her permission) the conversation where I asked her some questions I figured the boys would want to know. I talked about her pregnancies, I talked about them as infants. I asked for her version of "what happened". That conversation gave me alot more empathy for her and an understanding of what a tough life she has led. It also helped to remind myself that she has paid the ULTIMATE price for her choices - there is NOTHING worse than having your children taken.

It helped her to see my as an aly - a friend who could help her maintain a relationship with our children. I am not the enemy. I am someone who loves those kids as much as she does - and I happen to be a better parent than she could be.

Try to bring some disractions along - something to look at, a list of questions to ask ... something to break the ice. and TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU TOGETHER ... that is my one regret.

We do talk on the phone - write etc ... but we live too far apart for visits. i wish I had a picture of us together for the kids. I would also ask her what she would like to say to the kids, given the chance ... what she wants them to know about her.