[blankeyquilter]

I am new to this forum section. My dh & I were exploring to adopt internatonally but we are now convinced that the foster/adopt path to increase our family would be better for us. I am smom to two teenage girls and have been married to their father for 3 years. We want more children in our home and we have decided adoption is the best way to do this for several reasons but one main one is that we are both in our 40's. I had attended foster training meetings prior to getting married because I was divorced for over 5 years ands wanted children in my life. Then I met my husband and my life changed like I could never even imagine! We have given our family 3 years to adjust and solidify and now we are ready to increase our family. Our social worker completed her home visit a couple of weeks ago and told us that it would take her approximately a month to get the home study written up and the licensing approved. We are asking for girls, caucasian or ethnic mixed, under the age of three. Some questions were never really brought up in my training and I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on the following questions? How do you introduce your new fchild? Do you tell your family members and friends prior to actual meeting so they understand and not get the child uncomfortable? What do young children, under three, call their fparents? If they have visits with their bmom then they would be confused to have 2 "moms"? Thanks!

[roxanna425]

Perhaps it's because I am from a differnt culture but I don't worry aout what they will call me. I let them decide that. If they want to use my name, "auntie", mama, whatever. As long as it's respectful and we are both comfortable whatever is fine with me. With a very young child I have heard they have one Momma and a Mommy or womething like that. As for telling people (friends) I was told in my fostering classes that only those who have to know should know that it's a foster child otherwise it violates the child's privacy. I introduce the child by their name. If they ask why the child is with me I say that they are "staying with me for a while". My family knows that I am foster/adopting so they were always tickled to meet the children. People will ask you rude questions that make the kids "uncomfortable" easpecially if they are a different race form you but I shrug it off and discuss with thme why it was a rude comment and leave it at that.

[mj77]

Hello, I am sure you might have heard some of this before, that different states differ in thier rules regarding foster to adopt. Make sure your state is one that supports this kind of adoption. There are also different interpretations of it as well. One is actually doing foster care in hopes that the child can remain with you for adoption. Another is legal risk, which is (in our state) when the state is in the process of TPR, but it's not yet complete, and you have been chosen as an adoptive placement. I appologize if I am telling you something you already know. If you don't mind me adding my 2 cents, make sure before you take in a child you hear other people's stories. It can be an extremely painful road to go down and I am speaking from experience.

We introduced our son as a prospective adoptive placement but made sure people knew it was risky as he was technically foster. We also introduced him as "hopefully our son forever".

Because I have a 3 year old in the home who calls me Mommy. I have been Mama or Mommy to our fson. I want him to know me as mommy because there is a good chance we will be adopting him.

Our fson is only 10 mo. but as far as what we were refered to around his mom, we were called his foster mom. That is how I introduced myself. If he could talk and say I was his mom, I would hope his bmom would understand that I am mom in our home. I would never force him to call me that though. I honestly don't know how confused a child would be by 2 women calling themselves "mom".

Good luck with the process. I hope I wasn't too intrusive with my suggestions or telling you what you already know. I do wish you the best.

Melissa

[skootinalong2]

Hi. My foster children have called me mom because my other children do. When I meet birth moms some have asked me if they call me mama. I say yes and explain that most children their age call women mama. (I take 0-2 years) So far they have all been okay with it. They are just happy that their children are okay and well taken care of and that I am willing to meet them. I send pictures and notes to visits. I try to put them at ease and not see me as a threat. People that know us, know we do foster care so I do not have to explain anything. To everyone else, they are my children. I have been asked questions because they don't look like they could be my birth children. I usually try to be polite. We are in the process of adopting our foster son. He is 21 months old. We have had him since he was 6 days old. He is hispanic, NA and Cauc. My husband and I are both fair skinned and in our 40s. I keep telling my husband that one day I am just going to tell people I sleep around when they ask a rude question. He just laughs at me.

[MommyofEli]

lol skoot! You are so funny!
I have only had one placement. A little girl. She was 7mths at the time so she didn't call me anything. My son was 9 mths and every one thought maybe they were twins because of there hair color being the same. My son is much taller and has greenish brown eyes and my fd has very big blues eyes. so they didn't look that much alike but I have blue eyes and my hubby has greenish brown eyes so....they could be ours. But when people ask(not just make the comment in passing) I always said that he is mine and she is a friend of the family that will be staying with us for a while and left it with that. I have so far not had anyone ask any farther question after I said that. \
As far as the family and friends...Well I called as soon as I heard that she was coming and told everyone that I see on a regular basis. MY mom and dad friends and such. The friends that are my nieghbors came over to help for a few hours. They brought us some food over because I didn't have time to cook and helped make her feel welcome and to help with my son. He was scared because she was crying so hard and it was making him cry because he had never been around a crying baby. She was hungry and could not eat because her nose was sooo stopped up she could not breathe when she tried to suck the bottle. But Friends and family are a big help and will always tell them first thing. GOOD luck
Now my fd is gone(I do babysit for her still) and we are waiting on our next placement.

[Dmommab]

I have had children ages newborn to 10 years old & they all have called me mom. The older kids called me mom because my biological kids called me mom but it was their choice & I agree with the statement that whatever they want to call me is ok as long as it's respectful. I've had a couple biological parents upset that the children do call me mom but that is one thing I will not do is ask a child not to call me mom! If they want to they can. I did talk to their mom & explain to her that there are other children in the house that call me mom & so it's just real natural for them to call me mom too. Explained to her that I am not trying to take her place - just want them to be comfortable here. Anyone close to us knew when we were going to get a new foster child so there was no explaining to be done in front of the children. For others I would also explain that they were just "staying with us for a while" and haven't had any uncomfortable situations after that explanation. Good luck!