[rights]

Please, if you decide to adopt children in foster care, do not forget about the foster home they were in before they came to you. We had 2 children for 1 1/2 years before we chose not to adopt them due to the fact that they were 2 out of a 5 sibling group that the state decided needed to be adopted together. We felt that we weren't ready to take on that many children so it was our choice not to adopt all 5. We were made so many promises of continued contact by the adoptive parents. They promised phone calls, letters, and pictures. It has been 3 1/2 years and we have yet to receive one letter, picture, or a phone call. I called them 2 or 3 times a few months apart and the next time I tried to call their phone # was changed. If I had it to do over again, we would have adopted all 5. Please, don't forget about where these children come from. Their foster parents are a big part of their life and the children need to remain in contact if possible.

[mj77]

I am sorry the adoptive family hasn't updated you. We stayed in regular contact with our when our son was placed at 13 mo. The family tried several times to adopt him but were turned down each time. I think some aparents, after having thier lives pried into by the state, want nothing to do with the state for a time after their child is placed (even though they are still being supervised and adoption isn't final). They sometimes unknowingly make the conection of foster parents with the system. I kept email contact only until month 7, then allowed a visit. I know many people want to move on with their lives, unfortunately not thinking of the foster parents as a valuable link in their child's past. Our son's foster mom saw my son's firsts and I was curious about those things for my son. I know my son's bio brother (placed in a different family) who grew up in the same foster home before my son was born, also promised contact but didn't follow though. They too were eager to move on with life. Sad, because the foster family ended up finding many things of his and giving them to us (handprint in plaster, hospital ID from birth, pictures), all which I eventually gave to his family as they were open to contact with me.

[rights]

Thank you for giving me a view of what the aparents view might be. When we had these children in our home, they were treated as our own. We took many pictures of them that we gave to the aparents. They also had to rent a uhaul to carry all of their belongings that were purchased by us. We taught them how to swim, skate, ride bikes, play ball, and many others things. We loved them and bonded with these children and I can't help but wonder what it did to them to be ripped away from the only functional family that they had ever had. I still keep in touch with their bmother and she is also having a hard time dealing with this. They have done the same thing to her by making many promises. She loves them even though she was unable to be their parent. I know someday these aparents will have to explain the reason they did this because she will contact them when they are older. I forgive them but I don't know if their children will understand why they refused to keep in touch with other people that loved them. I could understand if we were a negative influence but that is not the case. We were the reason that they were even given a chance to adopt these children. We could have adopted them ourselves. If you are a foster parent trying to make an adoption choice about the children in your home, please keep in mind that this is a situation that seems to be common with aparents and consider the fact that you may really never see the children again no matter what you have been promised.

[TSSR]

Hello, there are many kind foster parents who love foster children and make a home, albeit temporary for our adopted kids.

I am very thankful for people like you! I hope you will continue to pray for those kids who now have permanent homes.

You mentioned you still stay in touch with the bio-mom. This is one reason many adoptive parents do not continue the past lives of the children.

Let me share from my heart. We had NO intention of retaining a relationship with the foster home. Mainly because we know they did it for the money. Our daughters knew well how to make top ramen noodles , altho nothing else. They said that was what they had every day at the other home (foster home). You can buy these 20 for a $1 sometimes and there is NO nutritional value whatsoever. There were many other issues like this that crept up and we had to discuss and get over with the girls.

Every time we saw the road they lived on, my heart jumped a beat, "Will the girls recoginze the road?" Will it bring back the days that they waited and waited for someone to love them and take them home!

In our situation, we do not EVER want to have discussions with others, including the foster mom, about biomom who abused, neglected and discarded OUR children. Even thinking about what they endured before being rescued breaks my heart to no end.

SO do you understand? It is NOT YOU, it is the memories and the pain.

Once we ran into one of the foster mom's adult children, my youngest daughter peed herself right then in the car. She thought it was time to do the old swap back.

I DO FELL FOR YOU. I know you loved these children and may God bless you for caring so deeply. We do appreciate all that you have done. But unfortunately cannot always tell you so, for the sake of the children.

[HappyMomAnna]

It has been a year and a half since our children were placed. The foster mother asked me to wait a year before there was any contact becuase it hurt to much to have the baby (3-days before he turned one) leave....

Our transition took place over 300 miles away from where we live. We were in a hotel during the transistion and it was a difficult time both for the foster family and for us....

We got to see a lot of things about the life our children lived in the Foster Home.... It was VERY different there then it is here.... Not that there was anything really very wrong with them....but it was just so different.... There were 8 children there and here our two siblings are the only children under 19....they had three dogs we have none--bedtime there was after 10pm our children are in bed before 8pm

Our children's foster parents also only wanted to adopt the baby and not his sister..... and for me as the mother of both it pissis me off knowing this. And that the foster family would want to seperate children who already KNEW each other....

YOU SAID: I still keep in touch with their bmother and she is also having a hard time dealing with this.

Well our children don't need to have connection with their birthmother in anyway at this time....maybe when they are grown it will be better and I have no problem with my children looking for their birthmother when they are raised--I just do not want her knowing where we are and I don't want her crying over pictures I might send the Foster Family and I hoestly would like my kids to have a few years to heal and learn to feel secure in my home---before we open up the old wonds and pick at scabs...

Sometimes I feel VERY badly about not calling the Foster mother at that year point.... And every now and then I start a letter but a part of me stops it and thinks--These children have been hurt so badly (well at least our daughter has been) and the Foster Care time was part of all that hurt....Our daughter still had visists with her birthmother while at foster care--and the foster mother of course was respectful to the birthmother.... visiting or talking to the foster family will bring all those feelings up for our daughter...

We have had to try so hard with our sweet little girl to help her understand that there are NO MORE CASEOWRKERS--no more Foster Care---the old life is behind her--forever is ahead.... We have had to deal with months and months of hearing how this or that was OK at the Foster Home.... In some ways our daughter has recreated a fantasy of her life there....

We have had to work very hard to make our daughter understand the regular families do not hace caseworkers or monthly visists at the visist center with other people... We have had to work so hard to show our daughter what a REAL parent is and does and that treachers, and caseworkers, judges, and birthmoms do not TELL us what to do.... WE are the MOM and DAD here and we decide things....

We were NOT a part of the situation until the STATE decided that you and your borther no longer actually had a mom....That she had messed it up and hurt you to much and it was not safe to be with her....and that we saw your pictures and fell in love with you and knew in our hearts you were our special little girl....

Being seperated from the states decision to TPR mom and being uninvolved with all the in's and out's of the system has been one of the few ways we are able to prove our authority to our daughter.... It has mattered that we were not a part of taking her away from her birthmom.... It has mattered that we were NOT the system just a mom and dad who fell in love with a beautiful little girl and her brother....

Sometimes I feel really bad about not keeping contact... I didn't really make a promise to the foster family.... I had originally offered to keep in touch and had originally wanted to have the Foster Mom to call if I needed to find an answer to a question I might have--but the foster family was so devastated they could not keep our son....and asked me to not call or have contact for a year and as the year passed I just felt less and less a reason or need to call or communicate...

I have decided that they will be on the Chirstams card with Pictures list each year.... I always write one of those annual update family newsetter thingies and for certain people that is when I send out the school pictures.... I have decided this is the least I can do and that there is nothing wrong with a picture and generic letter.... I might even send a personal letter soon, when I am able to write one and when it has the right feeling to it....

I can imagine that a family who has taken five children has had a horrible amount of adjusting to do...and there are most likely issues within a group this size that makes it difficlut for the adoptive family to be open....I mean it is likely they are dealing with at least two foster families. Our adopted children have a hard time with my older grow children even visisting their father and our adopted daughter is always upset that Sean and Tori's dad never invivtes her to dinner.... I can imagine that for one of the five there could also be those kinds of feelings....

I think it is all very complex.

When we adopted our children we were told that the Protection Order was still in effect for birthmom... Our children were placed far away from her just to insure that there woudl be NO accidintal contact... Knowing the foster mom might have contact with birthmom is scary.

[TSSR]

PS I worked as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) A voice for Kids in Court - for a while. One thing I saw, that disturbed me most, was that the FOSTER family always sided with the abusers, the birthmothers. They looked at the Adoptive Parents as the enemy. The birthmothers, given dozens of opportunities to straighten out....The children pawns in the game.

I am not saying this is always the case, but overall it was.

They spoke with the birthmother and tried to convince her how she would get her kids back when she cried,...they always just felt sorry for her. NOT THE KIDS.

Maybe the foster mom had limited info on the horrifying reasons this child or sibling group was put into their home in the first place? I BELIEVE MOST OF THESE birthmothers should be in prison for what they did to their own children. Somehow they avoid it.

I wanted to be clear - - The Children Are Number 1, not the adoptive parents, not the birth parents. It is about their well being and chance at a life...

[rights]

I am in Missouri and the biomom is in Michigan. We only have phone contact when she calls me. She had a drug problem but she is no threat to the children that she loves. She doesn't want physical contact, only letters and pictures. She was abused as a child, she wants the best for her children and she knows that she cannot provide that. It is hard to understand why and how people do the things they do to their children but there is usually a reason and it is usually from abuse issues from their own childhood that weren't too pretty. No matter what the bioparents went through as a child, if continuing contact hurts the children in anyway, I would not do it. I guess it is unusual to respect a biomom. Yes, she did neglect them and doesn't need to have them back. But, if it wasn't for her, they would not be on this earth. I don't think you will find very many bioparents that don't love their children in their own way. I also have the address where the children live and I haven't and wouldn't ever give it to the biomom because the aparents shouldn't have to look over their shoulders.

If being in a previous foster home was an abusive experience, I would not allow contact either. I would also turn that foster home in to the state agency that allowed the adoption. I know there are foster homes that should not have their own children, much less children that have already been through hell on earth. Most foster parents that I know do it because they love children. No, the bedtime won't be the same, the meals won't be the same, and the amount of children in the home will probally not be the same. Not too many homes are alike in all ways.

Most adoptive parents that I know are above average parents. They were chosen just as their child/children were chosen. I know how it is to watch people have child after child and not take care of any of them. But, I also know how it is to choose to give a child to another parent and never hear from or see that child again. Doing this to people is one of the most painful things you can do to a person. I can only hope the adoptive home is a good home since they didn't keep contact with anyone. If only I could see a few photos to see that they are healthy and happy, it would make life alot easier.

We had one child from the age of 4 days to the age of 11 months. The grandmother decided to adopt him. She was and is a great parent for this child. She called us, sent pictures, and wrote letters. I have great respect for this lady because she put our needs before hers at times. She thanked us for taking care of him until she was able to make her decision. It makes a big difference how you handle things. It made things alot easier for us to let him go. We know he is in a nuturing enviroment and he had a very positive future ahead of him.

Just for a moment, place yourself in anothers place. If you can in anyway understand the pain from the loss of a child and some kind of contact will not harm the child, please allow it. The more people that love a child, the better chance that child is going to have in this world.

We cannot change their past, only their future.

[HappyMomAnna]

rights---In no way would I ever want you to feel that I do not respect the love you have offered to children!!!! Without Foster Families things would be terrible and the children would be hurt even more.

I soooooooooooo understand that knowing something and seeing pictures would mean so much and I think it is possible for adoptive families like mine to offer this much to the Foster Family.

And my son who we recieved at 11 months old will have no memory or care at all about the time he spent in foster care he is simply too little.

My daughter will and my daughter will always connect her time in Foster Care with the MOST terrible thing that has ever happened in her life..... the loss of her biological mother because even after the horrors we discovered (which by the way was NOT known to the Foster Family nearly as much as we knew) our daughter still Loves her birthmother.

Whatever LOVE meant.

I understand and respect the fact that as a Foster Parent the primary goal is to reunify the children with their parents. Which means that a good Foster Parent will LEARN to talk about, treat and reguard the birthmother with a great deal more hope and respect then I do having read the entire file--and having all the information that I have--which the Foster Family NEVER saw.

For me having some contact with the Foster family might be acceptable but I do not want ANY links back to painful things in my childs past.... THE CHILD is my only concern.

Honestly -- I have all the records which can be found about my children before the parental rights were terminated.... And I am sorry--I pary for her future that she can turn her life around and I thank God she gave birth to her children.... But I will never get over some of the things my eyes have read.... and I can only pray that God gives me some ability to really feel forgivness for her... I do not call anything I read LOVE and I do NOT believe that the mother of my children LOVED anything....except herself.
There are times when I imagine how painful it must be to have your children taken away---then my phone rings and the caseworker asks me if I would like to take the fourth baby born a few days ago addicted to herion.... or perhaps I will be ready for the 5th which is due anyday now....

Your situation requires you to maintain a balance as you don't know for so long if the children will be reunited or if they will be placed for adoption...At your house you need to be respectful of the birthmother--and not say things that the child might carry on... and a great Foster parents has hope that reunification will happen....In my home we are all about healing and greiving the loss building the attachment and going forward.

If I knew that our childrens Foster Mother even took a phone call from the birthmother---I would NOT put her on my Chirstmas card list.

[lovemy6]

Rights, I agree with all that you've said. As an adoptive parent and one who has had MANY foster children before adopting, I have to say that I'm tired of hearing adoptive parents disrespect what we do.

I hear so many times on these boards from parents who adopted but didn't foster, that they didn't want to foster because they didn't want the heart ache of losing a child. They seem to be the same people who are so judgemental towards their children's previous foster homes. They're the same ones who won't allow contact with their previous foster homes or birth families. Imagine what those people are feeling. Imagine not even getting a PICTURE of the child you loved so that your mind could be put at ease that the child is still ALIVE!

I used to have a really nice house. Instead of becoming an empty nester, I took in children that society threw away. Yes, I became "friendly" with their birth parents. I did this because it was the best thing for my foster children to see. Many of my children never saw anyone being nice to their parents. They had only seen men abuse their moms. They only saw their moms abuse themselves. They need to see how respect is shown.

No parent sets out to be a drug abuser, child abuser or neglecter. They are products of their environments. Yes, they have a choice in who they become, but maybe they never had anyone care about them enough to show them a different way. Maybe all they ever lived with was abuse, so didn't know HOW to be a better parent. Cycles are very strong!

One of the reasons that we adopted our children was because I couldn't imagine them NOT in my life. It would have been so easy to just let them go to a younger family. It would have torn my heart out though.

I'm tired of hearing adoptive parents who have never fostered before tear apart the foster parents that their children lived with. I have a lot of children. I also spend every last dime of that $294 a month on my children. Some of it goes to help pay for the added household expenses, a bigger vehicle to drive them to all their appointments, and gas for the van. I'm sorry if I feed them ramen noodles for lunch (not every day) but it is a favorite of theirs. Sometimes the children come to us with "comfort foods" from their birth families. Should we deny them just because they have no nutritional value? They have a psychological value.

The other thing that I've noticed is that people claiming to be Christian are acting so judgemental. They're judging the birthfamilies and the foster families. God knows why we do foster care. For MOST of us it is because we love the children. We want to make a difference in the world. We want the world to be a better place...because we were important in the life of a child. Please don't judge us. If you believe in a merciful God, why not show mercy to others?

[rights]

Yes, foster parents are brain washed by the state to respect the biomom. I can honestly say that I haven't always been able or even wanted to do this. I have pretended the best I could. I have even wished one biomom would fall off the face of the earth. I have turned in caseworkers in for not representing the child's best interest. Each case is so totally different that it is hard to make a decision without knowing everything. I just know that whatever we feel towards bioparents will be transferred to biochildren.

We adopted 2 children last December that came to us through foster care. I have read their file and it was a nightmare. Still, I pray with my children for their biomom. She should not even be allowed to watch any children but, she is still their biomom. I wish God would have picked me to be their biomom but he didn't so I have to deal with the cards that I have been given. I thank God for giving me these children when he did.

Foster Parents are not supposed to be the enemy for Adoptive Parents. I'm sorry if this has happened to you!!!!!!!! Please send pictures and letters ONLY if your child will remain safely in your home.

It is funny how people can think: all foster parents...............,all bioparents...........................,or all adoptive parents..............

Everyone involved should place the child first. If we can't do this, then we shouldn't play a part in their lives.

Thank God for bringing us together.!!!!!!!!!

[HappyMomAnna]

Gee--lovemy6 considering that you became a memeber of this site today--you sure do get tired fast!

It is astonishing that in one day you know the viewpoints of the people posting here.... It took me several weeks to sort those things out....

I am happy for you that you Foster and adopted and very happy for the children that things have worked out well. Every story is different and each family is different...

How is it that you seem to know WHY we chose to adopt?

[rights]

Lovemy6,
I guess when you play different roles in the world, you learn how it all works. I wish that we would have taken all 5 but I convinced myself that it would be ok because the amom said that she would stay in contact. If only we could go backwards. But, at the same time, I wouldn't have the 2 girls that we did adopt. If we could all learn to have respect for others. I admit that I can relate more to foster/adoptive parents because they have seen all sides of the story. We were forced in a way to relate to and come to even like and understand some bioparents and I can say that I am thankful for those experiences even though I didn't always enjoy them.

We also adopted our son 18 years ago. It was a private/open adoption. I was in the room when he was delivered. The biomom and I wrote each other for almost 3 years. I sent her many pictures because I was so proud of him and I knew she would be also. After 3 years, she quit writing and I respected her feelings. I owe her my sanity. I prayed for a child and God gave me one through her. He didn't fall out of the sky. He called her last month for the 1st time with my blessings. I am ok if she loves him too. She is a beautiful person who chose what was best for her child at the time and I thank God for that.

We can all learn from each other if we just take the time!!!!!!

[lovemy6]

I've been sick with pneumonia for a week and have been in bed reading these boards, so although I just formally joined today, I've read most of hte foster care and adoption boards of the last three months.

My post wasn't specifically aimed at you. Actually it was towards another member who just recently signed on. I've read about a lot of adoptive parents who are very judgemental towards the previous foster parents. Saying that we knew what we were getting into when we started fostering is very hurtful. Even though I've had a lot of foster children come and go, it never gets easier to see them go. Like I said, we foster because we love the children. I guess I was just looking for some validation that we were important in the lives of our children (your children) and not just dispensible housing.

[lovemy6]

Originally posted by HappyMomAnna
Gee--lovemy6 considering that you became a memeber of this site today--you sure do get tired fast!

It is astonishing that in one day you know the viewpoints of the people posting here.... It took me several weeks to sort those things out....

I am happy for you that you Foster and adopted and very happy for the children that things have worked out well. Every story is different and each family is different...

How is it that you seem to know WHY we chose to adopt?

I never said I know why you chose to adopt. I imagine that it's because you wanted to parent more children? I'm sure it's because you love children? For the sake of the children I hope that's why all adoptive parents adopt.

[TSSR]

Thanks for AIMING LOVEMY6 - An Italian proverb said, it is not good enough just to aim, you must hit!

Unfortunately YOU DO NOT KNOW the foster home which from MY OWN EXPERIENCE our TWO SWEET DAUGHTERS CAME FROM. I DID NOT POINT THE FINGER AT YOU. Why would YOU feel offended?

But glad I could help get your circulation going today.

The foster home my children were in was a place where people took kids in for the money! I DID NOT SAY YOU DID. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE? SO NOONE IS JUDGING YOU, but thanks for using the typical phrase...

The home they were crammed into was an aweful place and I DO NOT NEED to go into details. The evidence is overwhelming that many foster homes are barely a notch above the homes they were taken out of. THERE ARE BOOKS written by adults who passed through home after home and were abused severely along the way at many of them. You cannot deny this.

You must have overlooked the part in my post where I said how grateful we are to kind foster parents. KIND. People who take children in and love them and care for their needs UNTIL THEY CAN FIND A PERMANENT HOME. Foster homes are not permanent homes. Right?

And once again, here is the proof of Foster Parents SIDING with the drug addicted birth mothers who abuse and neglect their children.

You said "They are products of their environments. Yes, they have a choice in who they become, but maybe they never had anyone care about them enough to show them a different way. Maybe all they ever lived with was abuse, so didn't know HOW to be a better parent. Cycles are very strong!"

Yes and many CHOOSE TO ABUSE THEIR KIDS AND STARVE THEM AND SELL THEM FOR DRUGS. THEY CHOOSE to stick the needle in their arm. THEY CHOOSE to abanden their kids for days or weeks on end. There are many support systems out there for them to utilize. If you look at the court documents, most never make even the first appointment.

Why is your dander up? Why would you side with ALL FOSTER HOMES in this way? I personally know people who foster and are unbelievable people and have made a huge difference in many many young lives. They know the truth, they know how OTHER foster homes operate, it is as old as the mountains.

I will await the red hot reply to my post.

And THANK YOU TO THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS WHO PROVIDE A LIFELONG NURTURING LOVING HOME WITH A FUTURE FOR KIDS!!!!!!!