[nursie]

Our family started doing foster care a little over a year ago with the intention to only do foster care but open to the option of possible adoption.
Our first placement from 9 months ago is now having parental rights terminated July 27 and we are faced with the option to adopt as there isn't any family wanting to adopt.
He came to us at 26 months olds and is now 3 yrs old.
We are attached to this child and he is to us but our emotions are swirling. He was/is a challenging child but has changed a great deal since living with us. He still has visits with his mother which I am sure doesn't help with behavior issues as he has been diagnosed as having an anxious attachment to his mother.
We do have 2 birth children : ages 2 & 8 yrs old. They seem very receptive to keeping him in the family.
We have always had to keep the focus of reunification as the main goal until now so that has been interesting emotionally as we have kept with the mindset that we are raising someone elses child until they can get their life together.
I guess what I am looking for is for those who have been there and done that with foster adoption.
Have you started out with the intention to foster only and adopted? Do you have any regrets about adopting? Did you not adopt an available child and regret that you didn't pursue adoption? Any advice re: how to make your decision when you feel real ambigious about whether to add to the family or not?
There are days I think how nice it would be to go back to just 2 children. Then I wonder if I let him go to an adoptive family will I feel guilty that we didn't keep him or will I have serious regrets about not adding him to the family. Will he adjust to and attach well to another family?
We are so confused as to what to do?
We pray for some signs that lead us to making the right decision for this child and for our family.
Any and all advice welcome.

[tlc4kidz]

We had our first placement for 9 months also. We chose not to adopt. We struggled with it also, however there was a family that desperately wanted her. Our second placement was for 3 months. We also chose not to adopt. I can't even explain how we knew, but we never felt at peace or had total agreement about the decision to adopt. Now we are in the process.

I do have to say it is very satisfying to be in the process of choosing a forever family and seeing the transition. We have been able to keep contact with both families. Where we live the fp's are actually able to be in the meeting where you decide, read the homestudies of the families being considered, and vote on the outcome.

Do you have an adoption worker yet? My only advise would be to discuss your feelings with her/him and talk through the options. With our 2nd fd we asked them to review homestudies to see if there was a family better suited for her. We wanted to leave open the option to be included also, but we chose not to in the end.

[nursie]

Thank you for your reply. It is so helpful to communicate with others who have been in the same situation.
Our licensing worker is actually also the adoption worker in our county so we do know her fairly well.
i have contacted her to ask if we could talk by phone or in person to other Foster parents who have chose to adopt and not adopt and their feelings after making their decision.
I have gone to the last 2 county fp support meetings and 2 fp expressed their feelings: one adopted unexpectedly when the bp came out of the blue at a court hearing and said she would relinquish her rights today if the fp would adopt her child (talk about pressure!) That parent has no regrets for saying yes.
The other fp did not pursue adopting her fc even tho she had a chance to and she still does respite care for that child and says she has regrets for not adopting the child who went to live with the gma. She says everytime the child stays with her she hates to see her go.
That was great that you were included in the process of looking for a forever family for your fc. I think that would make me feel somewhat better if we chose not to adopt that at least I had some control over where this precious child ends up.
Did you and your husband/partner ever have a disagreement regarding whether you wanted to keep a child or not? I would really want my husband to be totally onboard with the adoption also as I don't want him to come back years later if difficulties with this child occur that he says, "See, we shouldn't have adopted him." My husband isn't really that way but you know things like that can occur in marriages if there isn't total agreement on this issue.

[mom to 3]

idea that we were open to adoption. Once our little charge was abandoned by his **, I felt that he really needed someone to put him first. After about 8 mths, the plan was changed to TPR. The ** resurfaced to fightand received custody. We learned the hard way that we didn't want to lose him. When he and his brother were reapprehended, we were sure we wanted to adopt, even though there were lots of moments that showed it would not be an easy adjustment. Our bio son was 24 when the boys came back to us. We have not regretted the adoption of these wonderful, smart, active, friendly, loving, mischievious, determined boys!

[mj77]

I just wanted to insert, you mentioned your foster son was/is a challenging child. My son just turned 3. He is adopted and we got him at 13 mo. I just wanted to let you know (if you didn't already) much of the challenge is in the age. I am going through a difficult time with my son lately. Check out the toddler/preschooler forum under parenting and that migh ease some of your feelings. I have felt like loaning my son out on several occations because he has become difficult. I have learned that this is a tough age. I just wanted to share that in case you hadn't given it much thought.

[nursie]

mj77, Yes indeed toddlerhood is an interesting time in a child's development.( I can't wait until the teen years!) I do know about the challenges of this developmental period as we have 2 birth children, ages 2 & 8 yrs old. You are so right, I have on various occasions wished I could have given them to another loving family when I didn't want to claim them. LOL
In fact, at times my 2 yr old birth son is a bigger behavior problem than my fs who is 3. I will take your advice and look up that toddler/preschool forum for helpful hints. One can never have enough timely tips on how to handle situations or at least how to survive them mentally as a parent.
The county Psychologist also mentioned that once there is a TPR and visits stop with biom that his behavior should improve due to the fact that he will have more stability and not be so confused with all the coming and going.
momto3, I am so glad you responded. I just testified yesterday in Court for our fs. It is the TPR trial and it ended today. The biom
doesn't realize the seriousness of the situation. We will know probably in the next 2 weeks whether the TPR went through or not. I pray that it does. This mom is a drug user who has chosen not to go to treatment but continues to claim she is drug free although she hasn't done any UA's for 5 months until today in court when she offered to do one and the judge took her up on it.
We are going to the NACAC (North American Council of Adoptable Children) conference for the next 3 days to get more info about foster parenting and adoption. I think it is going to be great. My husband and I are going together so this will be a great time for the 2 of us to gather info and have time alone to really discuss how we feel about everything.
We are leaning toward adoption. I just want to feel it is 100 % right and be at total peace with our decision.

[nursie]

Well, things didn't go so well, The judge decided to dismiss the termination and give the mother another 2 months to pull her life together. Unbelievable. She has already failed outpt with 2 relapses and has been asked to go to inpatient tx for the last 8 months and stated 'they can't make me go in to tx" Doesn't this judge realize this parent has been offered help and has refused for almost a year now. With all the testimony in the court room and the evidence stacked against her I cannot believe this decision to allow this child's life to remain in limbo.
My only hope is that if biomom is going to slip up that it happens now and not after they transition this child back in to her home so that he becomes even more screwed up than he was when he came to us.
Just when I was feeling good about proceeding with adoption this blow hits us.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
We will be holding our breath for the next decision. Maybe the county attorney will file an appeal. There certainly seems to be enough evidence/testimony to reverse the judges decision.
Thanks for listening,
nursie

[tlc4kidz]

You will be in my prayers....how scary!! Isn't it interesting to see now how committed you really are to this child?! I can only hope that is the reason you are going through this and that he won't be put into an unsafe situation. We are just beginning the tpr process....don't have a court date yet, but will be sometime after the first of October. You are living my worst nightmare....we've heard the "I'm not going to rehab because I don't want to" line, too. After having our fd for a year and a half I can't bear the thought of losing her.....I am praying bp's will consent, but at this point not looking likely.

Hang in there and do keep us posted.

[tybeemarie]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear that court went so poorly. I am amazed at the delay in the TPR given there has been no drug treatment and no drops. It's inexplicable. I hope you get to adopt your son soon. Let us know what happens.

[tancee]

I'm Sorry to hear that Nursie. I will keep you all in my prayers. Its sad they want to keep his life in limbo and keep giving her all these chances. Keep us posted.

[Buzybee]

Sorry to hear the change in plans for you Nursie. But, everything works out and has a reason, just don't get to discouraged. Knowing how you feel if he left will tell you whether you want to adopt or not. I can't imagine not having my foster son in our lives. 2 more months sounds like a lot, but if the parent have already had a year, just have faith that 2 more months in limbo won't change anything. My child's parents have already had an extention, and they talk about doing what they need to, but their actions show they don't want him back..... Can you imagine?

Lots of luck and sending you lots of strength to make it through

[nikki27]

Nursie,
We decided to not adopt a child and have still not gotten over it. Our situation was diffrent. We have an adopted son that is now two. Around his first birthday we recieved a phone call saying his birthmother had another baby boy. We agonized if we should take him. (We also have an eight year old adopted daughter) I wanted him no matter what, however my husband was totaly against it. WE were going through a horriable court battle with a potential birthfather of our two year old. He wanted him but wouldn't take a DNA test. AHHHHHH Well, his rights were later terminated but that is a whole another post.... Anyway my husband said our son was too little to be a middle and needed to be the baby longer especially because our adoption wasn't final. I told the social worker we could not take him but we wanted to have a relasionship between him and our son. Oh yeah, our son has twelve sibs and there all in inappropriate placements where our son can't have contact so contact was important to us. Our worker searched hard and found a nice family.... Well my husband still says we made the right decision but I think of the baby a lot esprcially at holidays when I know he would be with us or when I see kids his age. I feel like I gave up a child for adoption (like a birth mother). Well part of my pain is that after finalization the family that adopted our son's brother said they didn't want contact because they are not telling him he is adopted!!!!! AHHHHHHHH We now know they are deeply insecure which doesn't help my guilt. Please think about adopting him. If your family is attached to him after only nine months maybe he is where he is meant to be...once you let him go he is gone forever... I know... I think the telling feeling should be how do you feel about him? Since he is
visiting his mother I know your feelings are probably blurred but
I agree that once visits stop his behavior will eventually be better. It doesn't sound bad. Remember too you have a two and a three year old, wow that is stress but they will only be that small for a short time. Do you see yourself as his mother or his provider? I guess I would think about if you could stand having him out in the world not with your family. We are currently waiting for a call that we will be fost/adopt parents again but I always wonder what if....I can only hope that goes away. Please God. I hope I helped.

Nikki

[nikki27]

I was also thinking that you should talk to your eight year old and see how much bond is between them. I know our eight year old really was attatched to our son and was as scared as we were when the potential birthfather was fighting for him. Our sweet daughter was crying her eyes out when our son was adopted. She is sensitive and has so much love to give. Every child's diffrent though. I would analize the actions between all three of the children. It is such an important decision. It is much easier with two children but your oldest is quite a bit older and more children mean potentially more grand children to adore...my goal!!! Pray for guidence and leave it in God's hands.

Nikki

[nikki27]

I was also thinking that you should talk to your eight year old and see how much bond is between them. I know our eight year old really was attatched to our son and was as scared as we were when the potential birthfather was fighting for him. Our sweet daughter was crying her eyes out when our son was adopted. She is sensitive and has so much love to give. Every child's diffrent though. I would analize the actions between all three of the children. It is such an important decision. It is much easier with two children but your oldest is quite a bit older and more children mean potentially more grand children to adore...my goal!!! Pray for guidence and leave it in God's hands.

Nikki

[Love_um_all]

nursie,
I am exactly where you are. I don't know what to do either. Our life has been so full this year, new house, new car, new baby girl we are adopting any day now. But, we also have a 10 month old baby boy, have had since he was 5 mo. He was moved to our house so if he came available, we could adopt him, (by the way, We did not ask for him, old fm and cw decided to move him in for a trade, i had a brother to another foster child she had, so they could be together, I got this baby boy) I found out yesterday, his mom is relinqushing rights. I have always saw him as someone else's child. I don't really feel ready to have 2 kids. I just want to have one child for a while. I never really concidered him long term. But, I also think, this is a baby, what am I thinking? Our baby girl, is 14 months, and they are so sweet together. But, his overall temperment is strong. I just don't know what to do. I feel if he did leave, I may cry for a minute, but, it would be ok. I know that he would make another family soooo happy. Someone whose heart is open to love him immediately. I don't know....