[jenandbenj]

Hi. I have a sibling group of 3. B ( a girl) age 9, T (boy) age 2 and Z (boy) age 12 months. They all came into foster care 9 months ago. They were with a single foster mother and it was supposed to be a 2 week placement and then they would go home. They stayed there for 8 months. It turned out that B would go live with her real father and T & Z would be adopted. That's when they were placed in our home so we could adopt the boys. Right now we are waiting for B's real dad to get a homestudy done in another state. Z & T have not had tpr yet and they say it will probably be another yr for T and 2 for Z. They still have visits with the birth mother and grandparents every Tuesday. At the visits B tells the birth mother everything she knows about us. Such as what daycare they go to, what school she goes to, where my parents live. This is a very bad thing because the birth mother is really crazy. She has threatened to kill the kids social worker. The social worker has told B that if she can't keep her mouth shut, she will stop the visits (she really can't stop the visits but she told her that to keep her quiet) After the social worker told B that, B still gave the birth mother more info at the next visit. My hubby and I are so worried that the birth mother will find where we live and then DHR will take the boys away from us and we won't be able to adopt them. The social worker said it could be as soon as 3 months for B to move in with her father. She said that besides moving B to another foster home that is all she could do to keep the boys safe in our home. This is our 1st placement and we are just so confused on what to do. If anyone out there has been in a situation like this or has any advice I would love to hear from you. Thanks.

[aMarylandfamily]

Since "B" will be moving anyway ... it might be a good idea to have her placed in another foster home and visits arranged (away from your home) to get her ready for the transition into her father's home/location ... so it's not such a drastic change ... which will also take her "news" each week at the visits away from your world and into the world where she would be. Splitting siblings at any time is difficult and if done with the right atttitude and approach it can be very healthy too ... remember the picture beyond the three months until her leaving anyways is important and you don't want the ** to react the day "B" actually leaves her also.

Good luck.

[leenab]

I think in this case splitting up the siblings is a good idea. B is putting your family at risk as well as putting her brothers at risk. Fostercare is not meant to put people at risk. Since B will be leaving to live with bio-dad she will be loosing sibling contact anyway. So transitioning her out now won't hurt. Call the CW and ask to have her moved.

-LeenaB

[jenandbenj]

Thank you for the replies. I feel in my heart that you guys are right and she is putting the boys in danger. The kids will still see each other every Tuesday at the visit with the grandparents and mother at DHR. Thanks for the advice. I would still like to hear from others out there with the same opinion and also with different opinions. Thanks so much

[tlc4kidz]

I can't believe it! You sound much calmer about it than I would be. Aren't the visits supervised? If so why isn't the cw stopping her from sharing such info? If not I would be finding someone who could at least make that happen. I feel like IF you can keep her until the transition AND keep your family safe that would be the best situation. Moves really are hard on these kids and that is such a hard age anyway. She is probably really confused and scared about the upcoming move. She has no allegience to you because she knows you are not her forever family. My heart breaks for her and for you....what a hard spot to be in.

I'm not in any way trying to make you feel guilty, but hopefully you and your cw could work together to come up with a creative solution that could keep her with you for that short time. Best of luck!

[BlueAngelAu]

I really think it's wrong to split up siblings.

Think, would you have liked that to have happened to you?

I at first thought maybe it was an issue of safety but then I double checked the ages and I went hmmmm..... 18 months, and 2 years - you'll keep them..... but a 9 year old, you won't.....

Yeah Ok.

Blue

[BlueAngelAu]

I feel so sorry for this little girl, I don't think there's any certainty she'll be back with her bio dad, though I hope she does get back there.... here is this 9 year old girl and she's got some stability and family with her bio brothers and you....... and now she's going to be shuffled off to other foster homes. seperated from her brothers, who are her family, and be so alone ...... and you don't think this is going to traumatise her? I have to ask... do you care? or do you just want the 2 youngest, the "babies"... the clean slates, regardless of what this does to this little girl.

As for safety, huh? If they are siblings, then that would mean the bio mom is bio mom to the 2 boys as well? Well duh, if the girl has already told her mom this stuff, then the mom would already know where you are, what would getting rid of the girl solve? nothing.

It's really sad, when someone sets out to adopt, but adopts the younger children of a sibling group and leaves the older ones languishing in foster care... not only "abandoned" but now split up from siblings.

Blue

[BethanyB]

Wow BlueAngelAu, aren't you being a little harsh? Jenandbenj sounds like she is in a tough situation. The older girl is already on the way back to her father. You may be jumping to conclusions. I wish we all could be more sensitive in our comments. Even when we don't agree.

Jenandbenj, it sounds like a tough choice. How long do you think it will be before the girl goes back to her dad? If the visits cannot be supervised, which I think they should be. Than I would do what you think is best for your family. You need to feel safe and do what is best for the children who will be staying with you. I wish you wisdom in making that decision.

[BlueAngelAu]

"Wow BlueAngelAu, aren't you being a little harsh?"

In this situation I don't think I am. She sounds all to ready to get rid of the girl, who is 9, yet keep the two "babies." .

I get really angry in these situations, because I don't believe sibling groups should be split up, there really is no reason to split them up, except for the selfish greed of some people.

I think it's really evil to split them up just for your own selfish needs and then try and act the 'angel' by blaming it on 'someone else', yes it's ALWAYS someone elses fault isn't it? Never your fault for just wanting to keep some and not all....

[sborsch]

I as an adoptee feel if at all possiable you should never split up sibs. My two sisters and i were adopted by one family, 1 brother by one family and a nother brother by another family. one brother and i have now formed a relationship and i moved back home to be closer to him. but the other never found him yet. I guess most people say if they are young enough it shoud not matter because they will not remember any way. they are wrong on that. kids remember more than anyone will ever think. If they split then they are left doing what we are doing on here looking for lost family.

My son and daughter are adopted by the same family only because i would not give up who my sons father was because i knew he would want to take him and the they would be split and my son and daughter wee always close to each other. I lied in court and gave wrong names for the blood test so it would come back not the father. I am the only one that knows the father of my son. when he is ready to know I will tell him untill then no one will know. I have a letter written to him tell him so if anything were to ever happen to me he will know where to look when he is older. am i wrong for that?

[tad4]

In an ideal world, sibs would never be split, kids would grow up with their parents, and everyone could conceive their own child. The criticism here seems to focus on the age of the youger two and ignore all else. The biological father of the oldest, has standing to seek placement and custody of his child. If he is able to get the court to allow him placement, the foster parent will have no say about splitting the children. It appears that if he was biological dad of all three he might be seeking all three. So it looks like these kids will be split eventually, unless the biological mom pulls it together and gets them all back. This is a tough situation and the first poster seems to be doing the best she can. Good luck.

[mommalinda]

i just wanted to say sometimes we are not giving much choice in the matter,we have 2 fs and we are trying to get one of their siblings we had to wait on our re-cert. to try to get her we havebeen told they will be pushed for tpr because of why they came into care we have a pro child judge they have a 6 yr old sis too she is also in another fh we were told that if they were put all together they would move them out of state no matter what we like the fm that has the older sis wants to adopt her and i am fighting to get the baby in our house to be with her brothers we talked and we agreed if we got the three youngest and the other fm kept the oldest we promised not to have any problems making sure they see each other alot but that would be the only way dfcs would let us keep them her in the county,the fm that has the baby does not want one of the boys she scared of him and the other dont want boys but we want all 3 of them would love to have all 4 but to keep them here we have to comprmise but not by our chosen.

[sborsch]

I am sorry I did not means any harm by what I said. Just if there was a way to keep them together is all. I know somethings areout of our hands when it comes to these this. I hope all works out with the kids and that the other foster family understands how important it is to the kids to be able to see each other. I just know growing up it was hard on me and my sibs. family that you haver is so important. take care and best of luck to you and the kids. sounds like you are doing all youcan. that is all you can do.

[newMafamily]

This little girl has already let the cat out of the bag on certain issues and that damage can't be undone. Is it possible to limit her knowledge of other information that would be damaging. If she insists on sharing then even though you warn her (and for me it seems the fair warning would be you can't stay here if you keep sharing this type of information) I would try to limit what she knows. Also pressure the social worker to speed up the evaluation of the father because if he is not approved she will likely have to go to another family.

Most importantly make sure she understands what she is not supposed to share. If she is 9 a general statement is not enough particularily if she has any learning issues or is ADHD. Be specific and review it before each visit. Questions are particularily hard if she needs to she can develop a way to deflect questions to whoever monitors the visits. For example, if she doesn't know if she should share she says I don't know and asks social worker do you know? Practice, and I don't advocate lying but there is lots we don't share with people when it is none of thier business. What's the motivation is she just impulsive or deliberately defying?

[jenandbenj]

First I would like to say thanks to all who replied. Your opinions were helpful. I would like you to all know I was adopted when I was 3 months old. I have a half sister I never met until I was 20 yrs old, so I know how hard it can be to be split from siblings. When they were first moving the kids to my home they were not going to move the 9 yr old. I told them of my life without my sis and stressed how important to me it was to keep them together. When the kids go to their visits there is a lady who supervises them. She sits in the room with them the whole time. The thing is they say they don't know when she is going to shout out info to the birth family. CW was the one who brought up the idea of moving her. She said the only other thing we could do is move her to another home before she found out our address and phone #. She wanted us to think about it and let her know our decision. So, me and hubby talked and talked and talked about it. I love B and don't want to see her go. We have even told DHR that if things don't work out with her real father we would love to adopt her along with the boys. CW even told B that if she couldn't stop running her mouth she would move her to a new home. B wants to stay with us. They have made every threat possible to her to keep her quit. The birth mother nags her for info at the visits. Anyway, hubby and I decided that in order to keep the boys safe it would be best to move her. So I called CW and told her the news and she said "I'm really sorry that you said that because it's against the law for us to split them up" She said she could not just move B. She told me that they were not worried about the birth mother finding out where we live and if she did they would not remove the kids for our home which is why we were scared in the first place. So then she said they would have to move all of them from us. That was Friday afternoon. She was supposed to call back that night and let me know what they decided to do. It is now Tuesday afternoon and I still have not heard from them. I have called and left messages saying that I would like to know something but no one has returned my calls. And the worst part is that my hubby and I have been asking for help for weeks. We wanted to go see B's counselor and talk to her about the problems we have been having. CW said she would call her that day when we asked for help. Yesterday I asked the counselor if the CW had called her and she said no. Well sorry this is so long I'm just confused, worried and a little angry.