[ChrisO238]

Just this past weekend my DH and I brought the little boy who we thought would become our adoptive son home for a weekend visit. Well it turned out to be only a day and a half. We brought him to our home Friday and ended up taking him back Saturday afternoon.

He was not what he seemed. When we first met him with the social workers present he was such a delight. He was very calm to the point where he was almost shy. When we picked him up Friday to take him to our home he was so good that is until the social worker was gone. Then it was like a light switch turned on. He talked the whole way home (3 hours) about things that we could not tell if it was truth or lies. I know one thing that still sticks in my mind was the mention of stealing his mother's car and driving it down the interstate. This child is only 10! That was never mentioned to us by the social worker so we don't know if he was lying or not. He also talked about be allowed to cook and setting the stone on fire. I was somewhat worried but again didn't know if he was lying or not.

When we got home he literally bounced off the walls. We have a Jack Russell and even he was getting stressed out by bedtime! He starting the classic splitting of me and DH right away and also would not listen when we would tell him no. He would acknowledge when we told him no but would go ahead and do it anyway. I've never told anyone no so many times in my life!

When we came to the decision that we had to do something I was sick to my stomach from the stress he was putting me under and the fact that I really wanted this to work out but I knew he was not a match for us. As we helped him pack his things we actually caught him trying to steal from us. That's when I knew that what we were doing was the right thing.

So now that we've been through this situation we're taking a break. Our sw won't let us pull our license yet. She is afraid that we might find the perfect child out there and that we'd have to go through everything to get our license back and then the child will be gone. We're not sure we want to be parents now. We've been together 10 years and it's just been us.

I guess with the lack of all information on this child and the way it was handled when we took him back just got to us. The foster mom actually got hateful with me and stated to me when I told her I wanted to bring him back early "So are you going to adopt him or not?" That told me even she was stressed out with him. But then when his sw contacted her to set it up for us to bring him back she told the sw that she didn't want him back. I couldn't believe that! So we ended up having to take him to a shelter home. It was defintely something I'm not sure I can go through again.

Our sw told me that not all kids will be as bad as this little guy. I just feel like yeah she's probably right but where are they? DH and I are foster to adopt but only the ones that have had the rights terminated. Should we take legal risk? I just don't know what to do. Should we just forget it all together? We enjoy it being just us but would love to be parents too. I'm so confused as to what to do. I just don't want to go through this same situation again. It was so frustrating and sad.

Christy

[mj77]

Oh, I'm so sorry for your situation. It is true not all 10 year olds in the system are like that. Don't give up--really. Read all you can on attatchment issues and Reactive Attatchment Disorder (R.A.D.)!! Understand that many of these older kids have been through hell in their short lives. They don't know who to trust. It could have been that boy was acting out to see if you really cared about him. "Will you still kept me or love me if I'm bad"--kind of behavior. But don't pull your licence. Your child is out there waiting for you.

Melissa

[tlc4kidz]

I agree. Do you know ANY other fosterparents? Just a thought, but you might want to try respite. That way you know they will be going back to their fosterfamily and there is not the pressure of whether you will have to make a lifetime committment or not. It also gives you a chance to see what it will be like with a child around. Here there is such a huge need for good respite providers. You could provide respite for children of different ages, too to see if maybe a younger or older age is a better match.

I can speak from experience of having 12 and 8 yo bio-sons that it is a very tough age to deal with in the best of circumstances. They are getting more male-hormones and testing limits. When you have them from birth you have grown into it slowly, but being thrown into it with all the other issues that come with a child in care would be overwhelming for most people.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Take a break if you need to, but I tend to agree with your worker. It'll be alot easier to keep you license and decide not to take a placement than start over.

[mykidsmom9401]

You've been through so much but the best things in life don't come easy.

Ignore anyone who passes judgment on you like that. They arent walking in your shoes. You wont be doing a child any favors "enduring" them to the breaking point and then throwing in the towel weeks or monthes later.

I agree respite might be a great way to help solidifywhat qualities/ special needs you and your spouse want to consider in a child while giving some other foster parents a break. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Keep an open mind.

My husband & I have a 9yr old bio child and wanted a 2-5 yr old child.

We ended up fostering a 23 mo old but with older siblings already placed in other foster homes. Originally we never considered a split family placement but its working.The other factors involved made the placement seem right. We still have him in our care over a year later and hopefully we will have the opportunity to adopt him.

The beginning of our placement was a real emotional roller coater ride. It smoothed out after the liklihood of a reunfication /alternate placement lessened.

Praying a good match comes you and your spouse's way.

[yanknrebel]

My husband and I were called about a legal risk sibling group of three girls ages 6, 4 and 2. It looked like the perfect match on paper. We have a fd , 28 months that we have had since birth and are waiting on the tpr hearing. We hope to adopt her. We have a 17 year old bio daughter and a 19 year old bio son. We really wanted to adopt a sibling group or another infant. We took these girls. They were absolutely beautiful. The oldest and youngest were both hyper. We were told that. I could handle that just fine. However the youngest of the group and our 28 month old fd could NOT get along. The 2 (almost three year old) was constantly pushing, hitting, kicking, and biting the 28 month old. The caseworker called the same night after we got home from our 2 hour trip to pick them up from the DCS office where they were from. I just cried on the phone . Literally!!! I dried my face and tried it the next day. By the third day, I was dreading getting up and seeing the girls. I have always loved and looked forward to seeing and spending every waking hour with our 28 month old fd. By the second day, my husband and I knew these girls were NOT for us. We felt so very sorry for them because the mother had signed her rights away to the girls. She gave them to the father. He had them less than 7 days and sent them back to biomom. Biomom then sent them to DCS. DCS placed them with a foster only family. Then moved them to paternal grandparents. Gp couldn't handle them and so they were sent to an adoptive (foster to adopt) home (goal moved to concurrent planning). SHe only had them a week. They went back to the first foster home. This foster mother got a promotion at work and was moving out of town. They were only there less than a month. We got them and 7 days later we were returning them. The DCS workers that placed them with us all seem to be a little "miffed" at us. We have apologized for having to move the girls, but our first job is to protect our 28 month old FD. I can't protect her if someone is constantly hitting, biting, pushing and hitting her. I would do time outs, but it got to the point that the youngest sibling would hit the 28 month old fd and then say she was sorry , as if saying she was sorry was a pardon for hitting. I understand that the caseworkers hate moving these children. 5 moves since Oct of last year, is really alot. However, we thought it was better to find them another home than to let them stay knowing we probably wouldn't be interested in adopting them , than to let them stay and get attached. Apparently, the cws don't think so. The oldest sibling was also presenting some subtle sexual overtures to my husband. SHe was just about to be 7. (All three had a birthday in July). They were just not right for our family. We are worried now that we will not be getting any calls from DCS anymore. This office is where the adoption caseworkers are.

[ChrisO238]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. It helps so much!

We are not pulling our license and will be taking a break for the summer. After talking with our case worker we have decided to take only 5 yrs. and younger. We have a foster parent meeting tonight and will be talking more with our case worker about it during the snack breaks. She has told me though that she will be going to the monthly meeting either next week or the week after and that she will remind the other case workers about us and that we'll be taking 5 and under.

Yanknrebel - your situation is so much like what we went through with the exception that you had 3 and we only had 1. This little guy had been in at least 15 foster homes since he entered foster care at age 7, almost 8. Alot of placements for a now 10 year old. I cried when I talked to the case worker too. It was frustrating and I wanted it to work so badly. I've worried that the case workers won't call us too. But our case worker didn't seem that miffed. She just doesn't want us to give up. So don't give up because you'll still get calls. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks again for all your kind words. I really appreciate it.

Christy

[dixiepeep]

My husband and I live in Georgia and are foster/adoptive parents. we specified all children under 4. We have ages 2, 4, and 5 and are all we have left is the court date. I agree that respite care would be a great benefit for you. You call the shots. You tell the case-worker what you and your husband can handle. I did not think I could handle older children so that Is why we have a sibling group of 3 that are so young. You can also request (as we did) that children that you do foster have been taken from their home previously because they are less likely to return to mom and dad. My heart goes out to you and your husband for taking a child and having that happen. Just know that you always have the choice in who comes into your home. I am not a pushy person but I have learned how to not be inimidated by the social workers. I tell them their job ends at five but my job as a parent is a lifetime committment. Please email me if you need a friend to listen to. Bless you for your kind heart. We have been fostering over five years and our adoption comes through August 24th.

[dixiepeep]

Wanted to mention that we had a baby placed with us for 4 months that was malnourished and abused by her mother. She had no family to claim her so we wanted to adopt her. When it all came down to the court date the adoptive grandmother found out she would get Medicaid and claimed her. We had two weeks to say good-bye. It was the hardest thing I ever did. She was not fed by her mother or held so she did not like females so she cried everytime I held her and that broke my heart. I kept holding and singing to her until she smiled and I know she loved me back. There was never a day that I regretted having that baby in our home even for a short while. I know we made a difference in her life and she in ours.

[Allieloopy]

Christy, I had a foster child just like that a few years ago. Are you in Michigan?<grin>

You did the right thing i think. Don't ever let someone pressure you into something that you are not comfortable with. We had a huge problem because we tried to handle a child that we were not right for.

Three years ago we had a call for a 7 yr old (see what I mean? Are you sure you don't live in MI?), this other agency contacted ours to find a home for him. We were told that he had Adhd, no problem, so does my nephew. We also had two 3 yr old foster daughters in the home.

He was quiet and charming on the way home. For the first few days we noticed that when we told him no he would say OK, but turn around and do the same thing. In the next two months he started to throw fits, except these were violent, he would bite and kick me. I could tell when he was winding up throughout the day and then I knew he would "pop" at anytime. I took restraint classes from an ex marine and worked on getting him medical help. The agency offered me more money twice, because they didn't have another home for him. I refused but said he could stay until they found one. I was secretly hoping that things would be better I guess.
Finally I couldn't take him anywhere without my husband. I couldn't fight him off and take care of the two girls too. It turned out badly, we had to call 911 one night for his safety and mine. That is actually what the social worker said to do, I thought it was a poor way to treat a child, but he was hurting himself and attacking me. I loved that boy and hurt for him still, but he was beyond my ability to help.

Recently I saw him listed on my states adoption photolisting. I am afraid the other families won't be told the same things they didn't tell us.

Didn't they let you talk to the foster parents first? It seems like someone was hiding something.

Because we were able to adopt one of the girls, we have lowered our new age range to 3 and under. I won't have another child in here to endanger her, plus when we had our ages 0-6, they ONLY called us about the older kids(9-11), most of whom turned out to be removed from other homes for behavour reasons we were not told about. I had to fight to get them to call us for younger kids. I feel bad but I am just not the kind of person who can handle such a troubled child with no support from the system.

In my state most young children are adopted by their foster parents. At least thats what they told me at my first adoption meeting. That is why we did foster care. Otherwise we were laughed at when we said we wanted a 0-3 child. I don't regret loving the kids we have had but it was nothing like I ever imagined. We have fostered 10 children and adopted one. We are just opening up our license again with a new agency. Wish us luck and safety!

[ChrisO238]

Allieloopy -
We're not in Michigan but in your neighbor of Indiana.

We never talked to the foster parent until we were actually trying to send him back to her. She was not the friendlyest person either. She actually got hateful with me on the phone and stated "well aren't you going to adopt him?" Then after playing phone tag with the sw for this boy she told the sw that she didn't want him back either.

I have tried to talk my husband into doing foster care instead of foster to adopt in hopes of getting a younger child but he doesn't seem to keen on the idea. He's afraid that we will "fall in love" with a particular child, have to give them back and then be broken hearted. I'm going to keep talking to him about it but at the same time making sure not to push him into doing something that he doesn't want to do.

Good luck with opening your license again!

Christy

[shanzelka]

We had originally asked for 3-7 year old girls, too. We now have a 10 year old girl and things are going very well. She has RAD (mild) and we have worked hard on behaviors, not acting "plastic." She also has minor learning delays, which we are working on. She has a history of sexual abuse, and we have educated ourselves in that area, and have "talks" with her often, to protect her and other children (we haven't had any acting out since she's been with us, and there was only one incident prior to her placement with us). We are also going to be getting an 11 year old girl soon who we had as a foster placement last year. Just recently it was discovered that she has a history of sexual abuse. We will have "talks" with her, too. She does very well in school and has already started to bond with us. She has no behavior problems.
We never thought we'd take older children, but it has worked out great for us. I wish the rest of you good luck.

[Allieloopy]

It sounds to me that the foster parent shouldn't have a license. I have run into some rude ones but most have the childrens best interest at heart.

Your husband is right, you will fall in love with a child, and sending them home will break your heart. I won't lie to you. You don't really know how you will feel when you have to give the first ones back. I only saw my husband cry on two occasions, when his father died and when we had to give a daughter away that had been with us for 2 1/2 years. I'm not saying that will happen to you. Our agency "forgot" that we were foster/adopt and were giving us foster placements.

Good luck with your search. It's hard to wait until you get your child home forever. It took us 5 years and 10 kids before we could adopt. (Everyone says, "Why didn't you adopt the other ones?" do people really think we can pick out a kid from a lineup?)

We are going in with our eyes open now, but I know that one day, when I am packing that little suitcase, my heart will break again.