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  #1  
Old 06-20-2004, 07:49 PM
sassafras sassafras is offline
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Fostering to adopt, dishonest???

I have to say I have very jaded feelings for people who get into foster care to adopt and then feel bad when the kids go back to the family. In most states you can strictly adopt. It seems almost dishonest to me to become a foster parent when you are only interested in adopting.
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  #2  
Old 06-20-2004, 07:54 PM
bannya bannya is offline
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Fostering to adopt, dishonest???

If you decide to foster or foster to adopt your kidding yourself if you think the children won't go home. If you haven't worked this out in your head before you get a placement then you shouldn't be taking any children.
  #3  
Old 06-20-2004, 08:13 PM
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ArmyWife55 ArmyWife55 is offline
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its not dishonest when you tell the cw from day one that you only want to adopt.

why do you have such a problem with it? whats so wrong with people wanting to adopt and in the meantime taking care of the child they wish to adopt? whats so wrong with a couple who UNDERSTANDS THE RISKS but still decides to foster-adopt because they feel like if they dont get to adopt the baby they have, at least they will have given the child a good home for the time they had him/ her?

it seems to me that you need to focus on what YOUR decisions have been, and leave other people to run their own lives.

if i get placed with a baby and the baby returns to the bparents, i will not be bitter. i will understand that was the risk i took and i will try to heal and move on. and in the meantime i gave that child a good home.

you have issues if you think there is anything wrong with that.
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~Krista~

**Age of 11 -- decided I wanted to adopt one day**
**March 2001 -- started trying to conceive with darling hubby**
**May 2004 -- after over 3 years, decided to take a break from fertility treatments**
**June 13, 2004-- realized that God was calling us to adopt now... not "someday" ...but now! what a feeling of peace! **
**June 14, 2004-- called Kentucky State adoptions office and asked them to send us information**
**June 16, 2004-- sent out letters telling our families of our intent to adopt. EEK! **
**Currently working with a social worker who is pushing foster-adopt on us. we havent decided what we want to do yet. **
  #4  
Old 06-20-2004, 10:03 PM
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shycar shycar is offline
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I agree with Armywife55.

My DH and I have been trying for years to have children. We decided to adopt, but we did not have the thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. We decided to foster with the hope of some day adopting one. We have fostered for 3 yrs and had over 20 children placed in our home. We have loved each child placed in our home. We never regret meeting each and one of them and watching them grow in the short time that they lived with us. It is heartbreaking to watch them go, but I never regret it. They have learned a lot from and as we have learned from them. I always kept in my mind that there is a Child out there waiting for us. After 3 yrs we finally have our prayer answered. We have a wonderful fs that soon will be ours and it was worth all the heartbreaks. We will continue to foster for we have enjoyed being foster parents and maybe one day have a sibling for J.
  #5  
Old 06-20-2004, 10:55 PM
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mj77 mj77 is offline
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I agree people shouldn't go into foster with the intent to adopt their foster child. If it happens to work out that way then great. But I know a few foster parents who did NOT want to adopt that still found it very difficult to say goodbye to the kids even after fostering children for over 20 years watching kids come and go was emotional.
  #6  
Old 06-21-2004, 12:17 AM
HappyMomAnna HappyMomAnna is offline
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Before the passage ot the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) of 1997 many states actually had LAWS that would NOT allow a Foster Family to adopt a child they had fostered.....

I actually know a woman in California who lost her home, husband and everything because she decided to fight the system and try to force the state to allow her to adopt a foster child back in the 70's.

Most of the states that would not allow foster families to adopt felt it was a 'Conflict of Interest' and wondered just how things would work if the Foster Families started wanting to keep the children they were caring for--and how would that affect things working out with the biological family?

My aunt and uncle had over 35 Foster children come an go.... I remember my aunt teaching the biological mothers how to hold their babies---how to change diapers--how to comfort them when they cried....My aunt cared for much more then the baby--She cared for the sucess of the childs family and she wanted them to succeed so the child would move on and my aunt could bring in another....Some of the mothers and fathers my aunt and uncled mentored over the years became wonderful families and at my uncles memorial they came and paid them honor...They never could have made it without the REAL love and comfort from the Orphan and his wife--my aunt and uncle.

That is what Foster parenting used to be when it worked.... A foster mother would actually help the biological mom get her life together--clean up and feel like she actually could suceed...

Now I read thread after thread of people who do not even want to get out of the car to meet the people who are losing their children....let alone offer any support or motivation or comfort...Now I see more and more people GETTING into Foster care because the 'think' it is a great way to adopt a new baby... and then they complain that it drags on for years...or the child is returned to less then perfect lives...

When Clinton signed the Adoption and Safe Families Act and included the mandate that forced states to allow foster parents to adopt children they had cared for--- the MOTIVATION behind including this point was awesome and personally I feel one of the single things that president did that I respect....

The reason it was important to Force States to allow adoption of Foster Children was NOT about the tiny BABIES--it was about the 15 year old girl with little or no home of ever being adopted being allowed to take the name and be part of the family she had lived with for 5 years.... It was about the children who had been placed at 2 years old into a Foster Home and had been there for 2 or three years and now would be placed for adoption and possibly suffere real attachment issues as a result...It is one thing to move a child from a horrible life and very different to move them from the good life and the only life they ever knew.

There is actually review being considered on a National Level of the rippling implications of the Foster to Adopt program...It seems that MANY people have found it to be a FREE way to get a new born and word has spread--and too many people are trying to jump on the bandwagon--In the meantime there are still many children waiting to be adopted...who are already legally free--I expect congress and our government to 'TWEEK' the laws in the future and I personally intend to be making my feelings known as I have been for the past year.
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Last edited by HappyMomAnna : 06-21-2004 at 12:23 AM.
  #7  
Old 06-21-2004, 03:41 AM
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Sleepydream Sleepydream is offline
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Angry Foster Children

I do not think you should be trashing well meaning foster parents because they

Quote:
then complain that it drags on for years...or the child is returned to less then perfect lives...


That comment is flat ignorant, as a foster provider yourself you ought to know better. We decided to foster/adopt because we knew we wanted to adopt and thought it would be a wonderful gift to our community to help other children along the way until God put "our" child into our home.

Working around law enforcement I had the unpleasant opportunity to have a first hand look at just HOW BAD things have to get before a child is removed from the home. I SAW with my own eyes, the dog feces in beds where children slept, maggots crawling on kitchen cupboards, toilets overflowing with urine and feces with baby foot prints tracking through it, pictures of the bruises, whelps, burns, shock marks, detailed accounts of the horrors people are capable of perpetrating on their OWN children.

No social worker will give you these little details of the backgrounds of the children you care for. They use words like "abused" or "neglected". That does not begin to describe what most of these children have been living.

After seeing child after child returned to these conditions after little or no improvement by their parents, only to be forced to live like that for another year before they were removed AGAIN to start the process over I feel I have and OBLIGATION to complain. I will shout it from the rooftops whenever I see the system dropping the ball over and over again while innocent children pay the price whether you like it or approve of it or not.
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  #8  
Old 06-21-2004, 06:34 AM
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Nothing I have said to my case worker is dishonest in the least bit. My intention IS to adopt. By the foster-to-adopt program, I go into the situation knowing each and every risk. I know how reunification is always the first priority. Our case worker has counseled us on the benefits of fostering, which will eventually lead to adoption. We are full aware that our very first placement might not be ours forever. So please tell me where I have been dishonest? Your general statement is unfair, and out of line, IMO.
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  #9  
Old 06-21-2004, 06:44 AM
sassafras sassafras is offline
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Okay first of all I did not say it was dishonest I had a question mark behind my dishonest??????????? My problem is with the people that do it and do NOT support re-integration. People on this board have admitted they "hope" the kids do not go home. That is sabotaging the foster care system. I agree with the lady above, in my state they need people to adopt kids ages 7 and above. They won't let you in the training classes to adopt unless you will take a child that age so they foster instead to try to get the "free baby" the lady above talks about. This is an ABUSE of the foster care interest and I definitely agree with what she said about conflict of interest. I did adopt through our states foster care system but I did adoption only as I felt it was dishonest to say I would foster. Lady above that has had 20 kids through her home................you are doing it 100% RIGHT and my hat is off to you. Unfortunately most people that get into foster to adopt do NOT do it that way and it causes problems.

Last edited by sassafras : 06-21-2004 at 06:46 AM.
  #10  
Old 06-21-2004, 07:05 AM
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Z&Z'smom Z&Z'smom is offline
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I don't think fostering to adopt is dishonest if you are open about your intentions from the beginning and are able to do your part as a foster parent and work toward reunification with the bparents and caseworker. My concern is there seems to be a number of people who foster to adopt but have a negative attitude about the bfamily and the reunification process. They somehow forget or don't listen in training when they are told the first priority or choice in case plan for foster care is reunification. (I know, I now train the classes and see it over and over.) I have been a caseworker in the past and now have adopted two children from the system after fostering them for over a year each. The day we went for our adoptions was bittersweet. I was, of course thrilled to be adopting, but on the other hand so sad that a family was being broken apart. It is so sad to see parents (as in my cases) who were not parented themselves in an even near appropriate way. Because of this they don't have the skills needed to parent their own child. When DSS intervenes and takes the children and places all kinds of expectations on them to insure the home is safe, they are overwhelmed. They are being asked to do something (or create a home environment) that they have never had themselves as a child. So sad.

Anyway...back to the subject at hand...

If a person is able to foster/adopt children and work together toward reunification and let the child go emotionally in a healthy manner when reunification is successful, I feel it's a wonderful thing. In a situation like this you have a person supporting the child going home but at the same time acting as a type of safety net if for some reason they can't go home. This prevents the child from having another move and breaking more relationships in their lives and thus minimizing the risk of possible attachment problems. Also, that foster/adoptive parent knows first hand the process (the efforts when through to reunify the family) and what happened and knows the birth parents. They can then relay that information to the child at the right time rather than it being lost and forgotten information in a dusty file somewhere. I consider myself so fortunate to have information about my children's lives and what happened from the beginning. I can tell them about the good qualities they have in common with their birthparents. I can tell my son he has his bmom's hair color but looks so much like his bdad. Adoptees have so many questions that many times go unanswered. I'm just glad I have the information and can at least answer a few of them for my children.
  #11  
Old 06-21-2004, 07:16 AM
sassafras sassafras is offline
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Z&Z I will give you a big amen to that!!!!!!!!! Our adoption day was GREAT but I too was grieving for my kids mother. She was a wonderful mom when she was clean but could NOT get off the drugs. When she was sober it was great but those times were few and far in between. She did not abuse my kids physically or emotionally. It was more like neglect due to drugs. The living conditions were so bad, I can't describe it. The bad part is she never had a chance due to the family she was born into. I hope if my kids decide to contact her when they are older we will all be able to peacefully coincide like one big happy family. My husband does not understand why I feel for her but I guess it must be a mom thing!
  #12  
Old 06-21-2004, 07:19 AM
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ArmyWife55 ArmyWife55 is offline
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Quote:
Unfortunately most people that get into foster to adopt do NOT do it that way and it causes problems.


please show me the statistics that support that statement. while i agree that SOME people do foster-adopt because of selfish reasons, for you to say that most of us do is ridiculous. that child comes first.. NO MATTER WHAT I WANT, i will do whats best for that child.. and i will support that child's right to live with his/her bio mom and dad IF THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF THEIR CHILD.


YES, MY ULTIMATE GOAL IS TO ADOPT AN INFANT... but do you even know why i chose the foster care route? do you know that i come from a very wealthy family and that if i really wanted to, i could go to mommy and daddy and ask them for 10,000 dollars to adopt a child and they would give it to me in a heartbeat? do you know that the reason i am choosing to adopt a foster child is because i want to help? DOWN THE LINE we plan to adopt an older child... but right now we want to adopt a baby. THAT IS OUR CHOICE and i refuse to let you degrade it. i want to adopt a baby through foster care AND I UNDERSTAND THE RISKS.

i DO want to adopt a child with a low risk of going back to the parents. but if the parents can get their act together and can properly care for the child, then i would be HAPPY to return them to the bparents. yes, i would be sad... but in my heart i know that the BEST situation is for a child to be born to a family that loves and cares for them properly.

my intentions are ANYTHING but dishonest. especially when you consider that the STATE OFFICE flat out told me to go the foster-adopt route.

yep, things were different years ago. but this is 2004 and my state office is strongly pushing me toward foster-adopt. if i do decide to go that route, i am following the advice of my cw.
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~Krista~

**Age of 11 -- decided I wanted to adopt one day**
**March 2001 -- started trying to conceive with darling hubby**
**May 2004 -- after over 3 years, decided to take a break from fertility treatments**
**June 13, 2004-- realized that God was calling us to adopt now... not "someday" ...but now! what a feeling of peace! **
**June 14, 2004-- called Kentucky State adoptions office and asked them to send us information**
**June 16, 2004-- sent out letters telling our families of our intent to adopt. EEK! **
**Currently working with a social worker who is pushing foster-adopt on us. we havent decided what we want to do yet. **
  #13  
Old 06-21-2004, 07:36 AM
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Z&Z'smom Z&Z'smom is offline
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I understand what you mean. My husband doesn't quite understand either. He can't seem to get past what the bparents did and see why they did it and that their actions don't necessarily say they don't love their children. Infact, I have met very few people who understand my feelings. I get so tired of people's neg. feelings and attitudes about bparents. I use to have people make comments to me all the time. Many have learned, though, that I don't share or appreciate their views. I feel the bparents (especially the bmoms) and I will be forever connected through my children I think about and pray for them often. Many times when I'm enjoying my children and they do something cute or funny, I think about their bmoms and what they are missing. Happy for me but still sad for them. So many mixed emotions with adoption.
  #14  
Old 06-21-2004, 07:37 AM
Dawn-NJ Dawn-NJ is offline
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Let me bring a different aspect to this discussion. Maybe if private adotion was affordable to every one, like minimal operating cost from agencies and moderate legal fees for attorneys, more people would be adopting that way and not be tempted into the foster/adoption world. I know it is the case for me and my family.
We are a nice family, have good secure jobs, own our home, hava a happy and healthy 2 year bio dd, but we do not have $15,00-$25,000. that a private adoption can cause to start our with.

We are telling the state the we want to adopt and to please keep that in mind, so they can try to give us legal/risk children only ( we know things can change later).
I am sorry but at this point in my life I cannot adopt an older child. I need to think about my toddler. But my social worker made it very clear to me that there are older waiting children, should that be what we are looking for.
  #15  
Old 06-21-2004, 07:40 AM
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shycar shycar is offline
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I agree that many foster parents do not care for reunification or for meeting the bparents. That goes with Foster-adopt parents and Foster parents that have no plans of adoption. I think many forget the purpose of fostering. It is not for getting a free child or becouse its bparents right to get their child back, it is for the child. We need to think what is best for the child that is in our home. No matter the amount of abuse or neglect most children want their mommy and daddy. If you care about the child then your job is to try to work hard to make that poss. I also agree that if there is no poss. reunification then it is in the best interest that the child not be moved from home to home. If sw Knows that reunification is not poss, then im glad that there is foster-adopt homes where the child will no be moved around, but have a perm loving home.
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