[allboysnowagirl]

My dh and I are new FPs to a girl, my 4-year-old second cousin. We were notified by Maternal Grandparents desperately seeking family to take her, who were denied custody themselves. We took a live scan to support the family, along with other family members, assuming we wouldn't quailify as told by a csw because our house was not quite big enough to give fd own room, only same sex children can share a room, as told; turns out that this is not the case when related. Within one short week, the csw was at our door with our fd. We have 3 bio boys 3, 5, and 18. When we accepted this child into are home, we thought are biggest challenge would be to adjust to another child. However, this is not the case.

In the two short months that we have had her, the “family baggage” has become increasingly more than what we can handle. We are frustrated and are considering giving her up; however, this beautiful child has been past around in three different foster homes, one in which was abusive. She has become attached to us, as we are to her. I’m terrified of what might happen to her if we give her up, and the sacrifice my family must continue to endure if we don’t. Could it possibly get better?

The bio mother is allowed daily calls and X hours a week monitored visits. And, yes monitored by us . She is exhausting to deal with and continually tries to manipulate her daughter. She is selfish, and spends more time discussing herself and bf rather than spending time with her daughter. She speaks to her as if she's a 30-year-old, and is always begging for me to let her introduce her bf to her daughter. No, means nothing to her. Her last visit, she was showing off her new tattoo. I had to spend an hour with all my kids explaning why we don't need a tattoo, after fd said she wanted one like mommy. That was just the last visit. Her last phone call included a conversation about a date, which I had to stop. For three days fd talked about dates, and how she wants to go on a date. Once again, I'm trying to explain to my young audiance. She will not comply with any CPS demands and I don't believe she's expected to be reunited with her daughter. The grandfather is controlling, but at least he supports our decisions, the grandmother does not respect our wishes (to make a very long story short), who is my mothers twin sister and once my best friend. She supports her daughter, even when wrong, i.e. "I don't see nothing wrong with introducing bf." She is also marketing fd father to participate in calling to speak his daughter. Bio dad is also allowed daily phone calls, but hasn't called yet. He is in prison, again. Usually for violent abused or drug dealing. It's making me sick. I talked to csw about it, but I'm told family placements are the hardest and this is normal. Normal?

CPS is trying to get us legal guardianship. I'm not sure what that does for us, but I'm not sure I really want it. I'm a failure, a looser. I feel incapaible of protecting my fd from her own rotton family, and unable to stop the dirt from leaking into my bio sons. I just can't stomach this anymore. My heart wants to keep fd and adopt when (pretty sure it's when and not if) the time comes. My brain says "Are you stupid?" Is it worth it? What should I do?

Desperately needing help - Michelle

[Mom2J]

Michelle,

I feel your pain and in your same boat. I'm going to pm you with my email addy. It seems you really need someone to talk to that's been there, doing that, right now.

You have to stay strong for the fd. It's very important. Don't let the birthfamily control your life. Find out exactly what the csw intentions are for reunifications and you'll be able to go from there.

K.

[Sledge]

I know know exactly how you feel, we went through a very similar situation with my wifes cousin. The only difference in our situation was the the state gave us custody right off the bat so we had control of visitations. She ended up having her rights termed and we adopted him.

Do what Mom2J suggested about finding out what social services plans are before you make any drastic decisions. Also let them know what her mom is doing.

[lambeausam]

I know that since she is a relative, this is much harder than fostering a stranger's child. If you can, find out what the court has granted as far as visitation and contact goes. Then limit it to what the court has ordered. Since it is apparent that the mother wants a best friend, not a daughter, she needs to learn how to appropriately interact with her child. Taking "privileges" away until suitable behavior can be demonstrated may help all of you.

Best wishes!

Sam

[Darci]

Keep in mind that if you adopt this little girl, you do not have to allow ANY contact with ANY birth family once the adoption is complete. At that point it is up to you (and not the state) to determine if visits/phone calls are in her best interest.

[lmw0909]

My husband and I have his 3 and 4 year old great niece. and nephew Very involved family at times. When the mother did visits, we requested that they be supervised at the DHS. It worked much better for us. We didn't have to worry about her causing a scene with us and the CWW was there to supervise. That is just an idea.

[broncopooh]

I am currently fostering by stepsisters children and because of our family, I told DSS that I am not comfortable supervising visits but would monitor phone calls. If the social worker is aware of the disturbances in the household the should be able to more the visits. We currently have very limited family contact unless it is special occasions. Which has worked out wonderfully. Hope you can get everything worked out for the better of anyone.
My kids will be going for termination in Aug and we were told that it is up to us when and where any family contact would occur. Of course the judge could order the ** and bd no contact though.

[punchkin]

I truley feel for you as i know what you are going through. Dh and I have custody of my 3 nieces and have had since R was 2. She is now 14. We took custody of them before dcs got involved. I must tell you that there have been some very intense moments. A lot of what you are talking about now. My sister is selfish among many things. She tried to use her kids as pawns in her own little games, not caring how it affected them. Their bfather isn't any better. It's been hard at times dealing with my sister, but i've never regretted taking my babies. As much as i've tried to protect them it only takes one conversation with mom to undo things. Their mom was in drug treat for the last 2 years. I supported her efforts. She had weekly visits with kids unsupervised. They loved it. In April of last year sis moved in with us, 2 months later she got her own place. the girls moved in with her for the summer, dh was against it, but i felt that they had to see for themselves. A month later i went back to get them because she had started back using, and verbally abusing my babies. I've since found out that she was also playing with their minds.
I've said all that to say this: kids love their mothers no matter what, and they don't know what is good for them. Children can't stand up for themselfs so it takes us to do it for them. I will not leave no rock unturned when it comes to my babies. Since then i have them in therpy and believe it or not it has really helped them. I've also learned that things are differant when you are dealing with family members opposed to strangers, and because of this you have to look at things from a differant angle, becaus we are so close to the situation it's hard to be unbiased. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Would i do it again? You bet. In a heartbeat. Because in the end i know that they will have had a life full of love, laughter, and all the things children dream of. That in itself keeps me moving hard as it is sometimes, but worth it in the end. Good luck

[buffalok]

I know how you feel. We have our nephew, now 5 1/2 since 13 mo. When he was 2 1/2 we called CPS about his 3 mo sister and became her foster parents for 7 mos. The stress of dealing with family and birthmom became too much. we let her go to another foster home and she was adopted by another family. We still see her. She has some severe delays. I don't regret it but I feel guilty. My son had I hard time at first. With him we made the mistake of filing for custody/gaurdianship. Now we don't receive any assistance if we want to adopt him because we filed for custody.

[Twin Sis]

That must be so hard. I would suggest you show the SW how it affects your little girl. She must be so confused.
I know that with my niece, we were able to terminate bdad's rights on the account that it was badly effecting her. She started bedwetting, and stutering. We succeeded in convincing them that this is the cause. And as soon as his rights were terminated, she slowly started getting better.