[jacindalou]

hello all.......I am a new foster mom. I've had a sibling group of two toddler boys for 3 weeks now. I feel our adoption worker kind of glazed over a few things and made them sound worse than they really are, so we would take these boys. At first it felt like there was no way mom would get these 2 back, and now I am not so sure.

Mom tested positive 3 times in March '04 for meth use. They haven't tested her since, and I'm not sure why, because she is supposed to be doing it weekly.

The boys reports say that a relative placement is not possible, and the only option is non relative placement if it goes to adoption. But now a grandma who doesn't have good enough health to adopt has surfaced. She was at one hour of their three hour visit today. She brought them their "Christmas" presents bcuz the boys were placed 5 days before Christmas with another foster home. And sent along a picture of her and her husband with her name and phone number on the back of it. This just made my heart sink into my stomach. It makes me worry that we will lose these boys to either mom or someone else in the family.

I would love to hear how others out there deal with these feelings of helplessness. You know, helpless because you're not a relative.

Thanks

[mj77]

I understand your feelings to a degree. I would not get too worked up though. If you were told mom and grandma aren't resourses for the kids, then the children's worker probably really feels that way. They know more about this case then they let on sometimes. Mom obviously isn't staying clean and grandma, based on what you wrote, just seems to want to have some contact with the boys. That doesn't sound so bad. I do know that even when things don't appear to be risky to others, your heart is terrified of something arising where you can loose your children. Hang in there.

[tiffeben]

I am in the same boat! We have had our fs for three weeks - mom hasn't called to check or shown up for any drug testing. And then yesterday - she calls. SW says she sounded high but it makes me feel that the hampster wheel of reunification will start turning now. I was just devastated - in my head I kept saying that if she stayed away we would most likely get to keep him - we are bonding more and more everyday. He calls me mommy (not at my urging at all but we have other children in the home so he hears it) and has the best of everything. His mom is homeless and has been using for years - her admission to the SW. Does anyone know perameters for visitation? What does she need to prove to get son back? She only has six months supposedly because fs is under two.. help????

[yanknrebel]

Why only 6 months? I have a fd who we got straight from the hospital at birth. SHe is now 28 months. We are FINALLY going to tpr on Monday. Like previously said, these caseworkers know if there are other family out there. They also know if the grandmother is not a viable placement. Sometimes the caseworkers just allow the bp to " gather enough rope to hang themselves". That is exactly what our caseworker is allowing the bps to do. They are doing a very good job of it too. They have had 28 months, they have been placed in couseling, therapy, drau and alcohol intervention and they have chosen to "drop out " of each and everyone, not completely any of the caseplan. We pray that all this will be over and the tpr will be granted on Monday. We have been to court 11 or 12 times and mostly heard contiuances to help the bp's get their act together. At some point , there has to be an end. Everytime the bp's don't show up for visitation, or you are told the cw suspects or you suspect that the bp is high, DOCUMENT IT. I have everything documented. I have emailed my DCS attorney everytime I have seen or heard anything out about these bp's. (We live in a samll town). I send the attorney a little FYI. She loves it. It helps build her case. I will be expected to testify at court Monday, but that is ok. If I can keep this child from going to live with a woman who has severely abused two of her infants for life and a man who cannot stop drinking and driving, then I will do whatever it takes. It is not just because I love this child and think of her as my own. It is because I do not want this child to be one of those babies that you hear about that is returned home and then murdered by her bps.

[Howdy]

I worry too. I'd love for my fd to stay forever, but it is too early to have much confidence, though maybe it wouldn't be wise to ever feel too sure until after TPR or maybe not until adoption day! On the other hand, it's been half a year and 'the clock is ticking'.

My last legal-risk did leave for a relative (bioDad) that had been considered to be out of the picture when I'd first been matched with the child. But the very same day that the situation changed, the caseworker called me to let me know the risk, even though it was a couple more months before the bioDad family passed their homestudy and were awarded visits leading to eventual custody.

So I'm hoping that since my current child's caseworker is still feeling like this is a legal-risk kid (though the goal is still reunification), that things must not look very good for reunification or relative-placement.

My feelings go up and down, rollercoaster style. The hardest part is how to talk to the child, whether to say 'next year we will yada yada', or whether to say 'if you are here, next year we...'? She wants to go home, but she wants to stay. And she doesn't know what will happen. She's the most stressed by the situation. I'm worried that she might be getting an ulcer, but maybe she is just swallowing too much swimming pool water in camp.

[tiffeben]

I am really surprised that rights haven't been terminated in your case. Because my son was an infant when he was placed, california state law says that parents only have six months to get it together. I was VERY proactive with my son! To the point of pushy - but with a smile. I called his socail worker weekly and drove paperwork in rather than mail it. If he needed something signed I drove in to sign it. I hired a private attorney rather that having a court appointed on - so we finalized within four months of termination (we had to wait for the appeal time to run out). I'm scared with this fs because the mom is in the picture - she hasn't called regularly - once in one month and hasn't been given time for a visit but it seems like it will be an uphill battle. He is also under two - so the six month rule applies - at least that's what my worker says and we have a court date in July and again in December. Has anyone gone to a court appearance where it was possible the ** could be there? We do not want her to know who we are - I am considering going in with my worker as her "helper" so that I'm there to hear everything first hand but I won't seem like I'm the interested party... Also, I amdebating how I should handle any impending visits. I can't see having him picked up and dropped off after but I do not want her to see us, know us. I have this nightmare of her following us home....I have no idea how visits work. YUCK! How confusing for our fs.

[jamie3]

It will probably be a good thing for the boys to have a picture of their grandparents. Kids really need to know where they come from. I have pictures of my kids' bio mother and her parents. I wish I had pictures of their dad's side of the family. None of these people are potential placements, but the boys like to look at the pictures. I don't feel threatened by these people, but that may be because we don't have visitation. The birth family exists and the kids will always know who they are. They just won't ever live with them again and I am sooooo grateful for that.

[joarkn]

bio mom had failed trial placement after 9 months in care. Then we get the two girls. "Mom will never get them back." caseworker. Mom meets guy, guy wants girls, mom starts trying. Three days prior to term. hearing, DHS feels they have to pull petition for term. due to the fact that "on paper" Mom looks to have met case plan. We'd had the girls for 5 months by then. It only took mom 2 weeks to meet case plan. Now, reunification is the plan, but DHS doesn't feel comfortable sending them home. We're in limbo.

[buffalok]

I can relate to your feelings. My sons ** who was also my SIL who was trying to straighten up but couldn't. From what she told me it is very stressful to only have visits with your children and wonder if they are being taken care of. Alot of ** have a bad picture of what foster homes are like. For addicts it is too much and always pushes them over the edge. I haven't heard of anyone who successfuly made it through their case plan. That doesn't mean there aren't those that do. When my daughter had visits I always dropped her off and picked her up and seeing me with her baby the ** couldn't handle it and stopped trying. As for the grandma I wouldn't worry about her.

[sassafras]

I am sorry but this is what happens when you get into foster for the wrong reason............. to adopt!! Foster care is to foster and the goal of foster care is family re-integration. In my state if you did not support family re-integration you could not be foster parents. Sounds like alot of you need to just do straight adoption and NOT foster care.

[ArmyWife55]

leca.... thats the thing though. the cw's tell us that they STRONGLY RECOMMEND that we do foster-adopt rather than straight adoption. its so common that its almost policy. they tell us that the only way we'll be able to adopt an infant is if we do foster-adopt. yes, we still have a choice... but we dont want to wait 2, 3, even 4 or 5 years to have a baby in our homes!! and wouldnt it be better for a baby to bond with one family from the time he/she is an infant until adoption (could be 2 or 3 years later)? in foster care, by the time a baby has tpr, most of the time the baby is no longer a baby, but a toddler. do you think its better for the baby to be with a foster family until he/she is 2 or 3 and then move in with an adoptive family? of course not. yes, 2 or 3 year olds who are placed do fine too. but dont you think its BETTER for a child to be with one family from the time he/she's an infant?

i would think you would be HAPPY that these kids are getting a good home even if its for a short time. Lord knows foster families are in shortage.

[love to be mom]

Jaime
God Bless, I'm glad you're doing better. Sincerely, Rosa

[joarkn]

Please don't assume anything about foster/adopt parents. We are parents that strongly support reunification. You haven't heard, or ask how many children we have fostered and were blessed to see them reunited with their families. You're assuming that because we are willing to adopt children that need parents, we would not support reunification. That's a sad assumption. We have testified in court on behalf of bio parents that deserved to be reunited with their children. Reunification is always best for a child, if bio family isn't dangerous. Have you read or heard all of the true stories of bio parents that get their children back and then kill them? It's true. It happens! We have these children in our home 24/7. Sometimes for months. We see their parents interact with them. We see what these kids go through. We can see when a bio parent is still dangerous. Please don't underestimate our purpose and our value to these kids.

[mj77]

joarkn, your perception of foster care is how it should be, in my opinion. Leca was right in speaking out if you are fostering for the wrong reason. Foster care shouldn't be the method of getting a baby. If it happens, that's one thing. It is a conflict of interest to do so. I don't want to speak for leca or take this thread off topic, but if it were your family member that had an infant that was put into foster care and you wanted them, would you want someone doing foster care that is not in it for the right reasons (reunification to the family) but has motives to keep your child and fight to keep them in their family? I am personally in this boat on the foster side and would never do this again.

ArmyWife55, I think it is wrong for a cw to tell a family who wants to adopt that foster is the way to get an infant. It isn't true! You don't have to wait 2 or more years always. Foster care has no better guarantees that one will stick more quickly, in fact on the contrary and perhaps even more heartache. We have been asked to go to a couple committees on infants that were waiting for adoptive homes and I know for a fact there are MANY babies out there (yes, they may be 6 months old or so but we have seen even 3 mo.).

My situation was that a cw asked if we'd be a prospective adoptive family for a 5.5 mo old who looked like they'd go up for adoption. Well, now we don't know and we love him so much. It is so scary. So, based on my own opinion from my experience, I would really caution people before going this rout. I can't imagine taking in a baby hoping to keep them with out a cw having the assumption it may go to adoption--which is in the case of many newborns that come into the system with parents having no history with the state. Sorry to vent. I guess I am going through my own thing right now in all this.

[HappyMomAnna]

Foster care is for reunification first....and that should be the only reason a family offers to work as a Foster Family.... The goal is always to help the biological family get it together and regain their children.

The last reported year of stats from 2001 indicates that 57% of all children placed into care are reunited with thier biological parents...and a large number of other children are placed with the biological relatives.... VERY FEW CHILDREN ARE ACTUALLY ADOPTED FROM FOSTER CARE. MUCH LESS THEN HALF OF THE CHILDREN PLACED INTO CARE ARE ADOPTED.

Yes--some people are asked to provide Foster to Adopt. There are a variety of reasons this is requested by CW's.

1)--Families who have No parenting expereince. The caseworker may feel this is a way to better the families skills as parents and expose them to the possible issues they may face when adopting a child from the system.

2)--Caseworkers have more time to interact with Pre-Adoptive families and the time period from placement to finalizing an adoption is MUCH longer. A straight adoption should take less then a year from placement to finalization and a Foster to Adopt situation could take over a year before the parental rights are even terminated....The average time of placement is 18 months before the TPR is even requesteD...and often there can be as long as a year to accomplish it depending on the biological families efforts to fight it. Most children are over the age of 2 before an adoption is final regardless of the method of placement.
This additional time 'In Care' gives the caseworker many more chances to monitor the situation--and offer support to the family. It also offers some great information on how the family will deal with issues and meet the special needs of a child....
By the way even if a family is Foster to Adopt it does not mean that family WILL always be selected to adopt--

3) Families who want a newborn infant have No real option through the state except to provide foster care... Straight Adoptive families generally are not placed with new borns unless it is a sibling of another child... Generally families doing straight adoption do not recieve the children until at or just after the TPR is done so most of the time the youngest child a Straight Adoptive family could expect to have placed would be at or above the age of 18 months unless it is a sibling of an older child.

The biggest misconception I have read on this thread is that Foster to Adopt is quicker....NOT true. It may be much quicker to have a baby placed but MOST foster to adopt families end up fostering far more then just the children they adopt. It is actually very rare to adopt your first Foster Placement--(remember far more the half the children are not even adopted out)

Foster to adopt families also have the average of 18 months in limbo not knowing if a TPR is even going to happen--or if the State will find a family memeber that can meet the low standards of having the right to raise their own family members...

Foster-to adopt families are expected to consider Fostering as the effort to work toward reunification--transport the child for visits and act like a Foster Family---IT IS ONLY A LAST RESORT THAT THE STATE WILL TPR AND ADOPTION IS ACTUALLY THE LAST GOAL WITH THE FOSTER CARE SYSTEM.