[Tequila]

My husband and I have just become foster parents. We received our license in March and the next day we got a call to foster a sibling group, sisters 1 and 6 years old. the girls have been with us for about 6 weeks now and the honeymoon is over. Whenever they go for their weekly visits with mom (supervised) the older girl comes home totally changed, she's upset about being with our family and she has started talking back, lying and being very disrespectful to me. She only wants to talk about what her mom has and what her mom told her to tell us. She still has this idea that her mom is going to rescue her and they will run off into the sunset forever, Sad thing is, is that these kids have been in the system for 2years, we want to help these girls, but it is so hard when everything is going good until day of visit, then we have deal with all the attitude from the 6 year old for about 3 to 4 days, then things start to get o.k. again- then it's time for another visit. and we start all over again. Help?

[mj77]

Have you discussed this with the child's worker? It might not do much good but it should be documented.

[Gwen]

Visits
Rarely have visits produced my fchildren to be good as gold.
There is a reality in the visit that reminds the child they are not wanted (even if that is not the case). It is the never ending cycle of what foster children deal with.
Start with documenting it....like was said above. It doesn't give you any relief but it helps in long term planning.
Talk kindly and listen about the visit, the child wants to see that you are on her side (and her side includes this mom). If she knows you think her visits are important, then she will start to believe that she is important.
VISITS STINK!!!! I realize the goal is for reunification FIRST! YEt, visit produce unstability and loyalty issues. Love her, hug her and remind that no matter what someone cares.
There is no magic potion but letting her know you care can help.....

[Annie6]

Hi Gwen,

Have beenthere several times. When these kids have visits it's veryu stressful on them. The six yr old is prob not understanding why she isnt' living with her bio mom and as far as she knows there was nothing wrong so why cant' she live at home. Its a hard age to try to deal with cause they see other kids who live with own parents and she knows she is different.

How close are these supervised visits? We found that the bio parents are soemtimes their own worst enemy. They do have the knack of tellign the kids that "there is no place like home" and since they are the kids parents the kids have nothing more than to believe it until they get older and find out what the real world is.

What we have done in the past is that we tell them that we are glad that they have the chance to see thier parents and that is something not all children get to to do. Explain that you understand it's hard on her to leave. BUT, when you come back into this house you have our rules to follow. We have had kids who cant' come back into our house and control themselves. We have asked them to go sit in their room and relax and when they can control themselves then they can come out and tell you all about the visit cause you want to hear everything that they did. Of course you really want to hear everything. This has worked for us several times. Sometimes it might take awhile before they feel they can come out of room but then maybe sometimes it takes longer for them to adjust to a whole different set of rules. We all knwo that rules are never enforced at the bio parents.

Hope this helps, we all have been there. Just hang in there and do talk to the person who does the transport maybe they can help refocus her on the ride home. We have had that done also. Just have to keep trying to see what works for this little girl.

Annie6

[Tequila]

Thank you all for responding to my post. My husband and I have tried everything we know to let this girl know that it is o.k. to want to be with her mom and it's o.k. to miss her mom Here's a little background. These girls were living with their aunt and uncle in foster care. They were removed and placed with us because of abuse. Now, this aunt and uncle are allowed to visit along with the mom. SW approved the visits eventhough there is still an ongoing investigation. Is this the norm? so things have gone form bad to worst. She had to be grounded after her last visit for acting up and talking back to my dh and the lady that transports them to the visits. The lady that transports them said that our fdaughter gives her more trouble than any of the kids she transports. Now our foster daughter is comparing me to her aunt at ever chance she gets ( my aunt has this and that, bigger, better, than your's and more than what you have , and so on and so forth) there are days when I just don't want to hear it. I feel this kid is being manipulated by the aunt. Thing were bad when dealing with mom, but now this is worst., Also investigater said the our fdaughter had changed her story about what happen leading up to them being removed for aunt & uncle. He had to interview her again to try and get the real story. Tequila Is this the norm?

[Gwen]

Absolutely, at least it has been the norm here.
I have a teenager that will never go home but still has access. She wets the bed, yells, tells me I am not her mom and she even tells others that she lives with mom (Even though she visits just once a month for half a day.) No matter what havoc she causes in the fhome, mom will win out (bigger, better and nicer).... Her mom manipulates the entire system and she still has access.
I have had children have unsupervised visits when both the mom and boyfriend where drug users. Sometimes things don't add up to why case workers make decisions when they know the things going on. On the flip side, I have had fchildren removed and never allowed visits for much smaller mistakes. Where I am, it depends on the worker and how much they are willing to fight or willing to work the case.

In terms of the behaviour, document everything. Tell the worker your concerns. There is a chance that will not help and behaviour will get worse before it gets better. Consequence the behaviour, reward the good and know your limits. If you get to a point that you have had too much, be honest with your self and the case worker.
Like I said, there are no easy answers. This is pretty common stuff but sometimes it is just too much for everyone.

[greenberry]

We've had our fchildren for two months and they to came from aunt and uncle. everytime they come from a visit i catch it from the fdaughter(10). She was raped by bio dad who has been sentenced to 25 yrs. his rights are terminated but mother's are not because aunt took them for 1 1/2 then gave them to dhr. now they are fearful we will because they have bounded with us. we would adopt if mothers rights are terminated. the visits are suppose to be with mother and 3 yr living with aunt but aunt and uncle are demanding rights to visit and it causes distruption with kids. fson(9) is fearful we will give up on them too. my husband and i have never had children and they are a blessing to us. i hope dhr will see whats happening and treminate rights. i sometimes have to send fd to room after visits. she has even been put on prozac. she has tried advances towards my husbanc in the beggining but has relized it is not acceptable in a nomal home(we think the uncle also abused). i do feel your pain! the mother was given an additional 12 mo but is not showing improvement. we told the children the truth so they would not be mad at us. they have a nother meeting today and i'm hoping it will make them not as mad knowing it's out of our hands and in the bio mothers