[HopefulMommyNC]

My husband and I have decided to start the road of foster parenting in the hopes of an adoption. I have gone through 4years of infertily and we have decided to adopt yet, we do not want to go into major debt by going through international adoption.
We have one daughter who is 5 from his previous marriage. Her bio mother hasn't seen her in three years and she only knows me as mommy.
We feel that this is the best move for us. I have wanted a baby for as long and yet we have finally gotten out of debt with the excpetion of our morgtage. We want to give things the both our children and feel that going into debt isn't the way to go for us.
Both of our parents are not really supportive in this move. We both have a lot of questions ourselves but thought that our parents would be more understanding, an happy for us! I think that this will be a rocky road with parental support, but with out it???
Has anyone else had this problem? What did you do???

[HappyMomAnna]

Yes--we have had issues on both sides of our family. And they have made very clear every single fear and concern they have about our decision.

We learned VERY early on to be careful as to exactly what info we provided our families with.....much of it really is none of their business! Getting their support priot to the placement was difiicult--however both sides of the family have fallen in love with our children and are now very suppotive.

My best advice is to exculde the family from much of the actual details....for example we have NOT told our family the exact nature of the situations our little ones experienced leading to their adoption....We have simply told our family that their birthmother was unable to properly care for them.....

We were in instant love with our children the moment we met them......but, we saw our family and friends size the children up and LOOK for the 'problems'. Often we do need to put the family in their place.

Extended family is an issue with this path of adoption....but, it is equally important to have your families support whereever you possibly can. Most often the family is simply concerned that you will be hurt.... I guess we need to understand this when they are giving us their opinions....But, it is often helpful to remind them that you have taken the training--you have done the work and you have a fair understanding of what you are getting yourself into!

Good luck and welcome to the support you will find here!

[ChrisO238]

I know exactly what you are going through. My parents have not really expressed much of their feelings to me at all. My in laws are the exact opposite. They could not be happier that my husband and I plan to foster to adopt. They can't wait to spoil the child and love them as their own grandchild. I just wish my parents would express more feelings on the situation. I've tried to talk to them about things that my husband and I are going through leading up to our first placement (which I hope will be soon) but they just remained tight lipped. I've decided to keep talking to them about it and if they finally decide to tell me how they feel they'll tell me. Until then I look forward to welcoming a child into my home.

[bumpkin]

I also am in this situation. We are about 1/2 way through the MAPP process and had been planning on a domestic infant adoption before changing ships, if you will. Our families are very concerned for us, they think we are headed towards a very difficult road and I know they are speaking out of love, but I don't like it anyway!

The bottom line is that it's your decision and as Anna had said, most of the fears melt away when the actual children come into your life. Just remember, you don't have to share all the details, when in doubt just say nothing.

Best of luck to you
Bumpkin

[HopefulMommyNC]

Thank you for replying to my message and it feels good to know that I am not the only one in this boat w/ non family support! I am looking forwrd to the day that I get to tell ya'll about our first placement and that our family is coming around! (I think that they will once they see a beautiful child)

[kburch]

I know exactly what you mean. Tonight was the night that my husband and I broke the news to my family and my in-laws that we are planning to adopt an older child. Their reactions could not have been more opposite!

My husband's parents were completely supportive. They even told us that they feel it takes a special kind of couple to even consider adopting an older kid, and that they are so proud of us! My mother-in-law even asked if she should have another stocking ready for Christmas. We told her probably not, but it was really sweet.

My family, on the other hand, just about went ballistic. I was told that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, why don't I want a younger child (i.e., less than 6), I'm too young to be a parent (I'm 23, my husband is 25), I don't understand what problems these kids have gone through, I'm just rushing into this (I've been reading almost non-stop for 2 months, and we've already started our adoption training classes), etc., etc., etc. I was so upset, I just hung up in tears. I wasn't expecting the conversation to go well, but I didn't think it would be that bad...

Anyway, I talked to my mom again about 1/2 an hour ago, and I think some of the shock has worn off. Still, I got to talk to her a bit more, and I think she's starting to believe that we have actually been thinking and praying about this, not just rushing in to do a "get the first kitten you see at the pet store" sort of thing. I wish my family would have reacted the way that my in-laws did, but at least they didn't disown me, I guess.

[jamie3]

We certainly have had some trouble with my side of the family. Both of my parents (divorced) have done more than their fair share of trying to get me to "see the light".

I had to listen patiently and just say, "I know". The more I tried to justify my decsion the more resentful I became of her. I just stopped being sucked into a debate with them and smiled while they were being so negative.

The first time my dad met my boys he gave them anything they wanted though. My mom still had a really hard time the first visit. She said things like--No amount of money in the world would make me do what you are doing & --you must be crazy to be taking little kids, your kids are so independent and now look at what you have done.

However, I was very certain in my decision and I have come to realize that I can make my own decisions and it is nice to have their support, but not necessary. She is being much nicer now and is getting more used to the idea.

My inlaws however have been wonderful and have even taken the boys for an overnight. They came and helped set up their room and bought them new clothes.

Either way, I am so glad we did this. This can be a great way to provide a home for a child without all of the expense. I would like to talk to you more, but I don't want to post some things on the board. Email me if you want to talk.

Jamie

[HappyMomAnna]

As long as we do try very hard to understand what we are getting into--have our resuorces in order and plan on an intense several months--a year or three or until the kids are grow---either way family is as important as they are not.

We started pretty early as the children were being placed making a little newsletter--with pictures, ideas we had learned and some info about the children. Such as explaining that due to our daughters history they may see us handle a situation differently then might seem we should....we took that time to explaine that we had gone through training classes--we have a great deal of spport and we understand why we handle things the way we do. If they have a problem they can sign up for the training too....and they can talk with us privately if they have questions about what they saw.

The fact is that with a little older child things are a little different. Imagine how this must really feel to a child.

The newletter I have given to the family has really helped because I give them enough understanding of the situation--but, also don't have to disclose everything. The family knows if they want to talk about something they need to call or see me when the kids are not there overhearing.

We try to give them little bits of info we have learned and things they can do to help the kids.....we sort of put some responsibility onto the family to help us raise these children to feel like this is their family.

We don't get so many questions--or opinions dumped on us. We still do get the odd remarks--My mother-in-law is constantly telling us she, "feels sorry for us." Which we ask why? Did anyone feel sorry for you when you had three kids? My mom has her hang-ups but them are becase she wasn't a 'mommie-mommie' she was a fine mom, but you know the difference some moms are not the same as others.

It is Ok because my aunt--moms sister, was an adoptive mom, and a foster mom, and a mommie-mommie so we talk alot!

[Lorraine123]

I got a lot of opposition from my parents. It really hurt me and I have to say to this day I am still resentful.

I have two biological children and my mother made it very clear that she would never accept an older adopted child like she does her biological grand children. She felt it would be "an insult" to her biological grand children if she did love an adopted child equally.

Well, along came 6 yo Stacie. Now my mother showers her with affection and says she loves her just like she were biological. (and she never mentions her previous statements).

I have a real hard time accepting this.

Anna - we also created a letter to give to family and close friends. It explained Reactive Attachment Disorder and why we sometimes parent like we do. In our case it didn't go over too well. Both sets of grandparents think they know more about RAD than we do (even though they had never heard of it).

Dealing with parents has been one of the toughest parts of our adoption. Both sets of parents are pretty involved in our lives (live locally and we see quite often). We have learned to accept that we can't change them and we can't make them see our view. We just changed the way we interact with them.

[vbandsf]

My family (especially my parents) were very concerned about us fost/adopting, especially an older child or of a different race. Lo & behold, along comes our 11 year old daughter (white, like us) and her half brother, now 7, who's CA/AA.

My mother's comment about my dad with my son (said in her usual British accent): "Your fah-thah is love with an-oth-ah mahn, deah." My dad and son adore each other (see the old curmudgeon melt as a little boy flings himself into his arms), and my mother and daughter are a mutual admiration society.

They've been a challenge (the crying, the screaming, the tantrums - and then there's the kids' behavior, y'know?), but they're so, so worth it.

Our son, who arrived with behavioral problems, just got a report card with ALL "satisfactory" ratings for behavior (with a couple of "excellents"). My daughter, formerly failing several subjects in 4th grade, is now in 6 th grade gifted math and acing everything except art and PE. This I can live with.

Give your family a chance. They'll manage, just like you will.

By the way, a healthy stock of Hersheys and a Costco size bottle of Excedrin helps.

[NCMom]

I f I had a dollar for every time I heard all the negative "Why would you want to put yourself through all this?" stuff!! You know what infuriates me about my MIL? Her attitude is "When I have that baby in my arm's, then I'll be excited" She does not want to help or be supportive or even HEAR about any of the adoption process. She just thinks that rugrat will magically appear one day and THEN she can be grandma. Reminds me of that proverb about the hen that works all summer to store up grain for the winter and the squirrel just runs around and plays and never helps. Then comes winter and the squirrel expects the hen to share. Well thats how I feel. It's like "Hey lady, where the heck were you the last 6 months to at least hold my hand on this roller coaster!!

So my advice to you is do what I do. Just smile, nod and picture that infuriating family member with a big gray bushy tail, pointy ears and a wiggly nose. Works for me!

Hugs!

Laura