[Lisa3NY]

I never ever thought I would have done foster care. All I knew was that I wanted to adopt, but to me, foster care sounded scary. Then, I found out one of my neighbors adopted her 3 kids thru foster care, and she helped explain foster care to me, and it didn't sound so scary after all. Plus, I thought, so many people get scared off by foster care and those poor kids are left behind. I had to find out why I was scared of it and I began asking alot of questions... I felt like I had to do this for the kids.

Now I am a foster mom to two beautiful children a 1 year old and a 3 year old.I've had them for 8 months now. People ask me what I would do if they were taken from me. I would mourn and grieve, but I couldn't imagine my life not knowing these children. I know that I've done the best I can during this time in their lives and I know I made a difference.

I bow respectfully to all of you foster parents who have done this for years and years. It takes a strong person to do this, a selfless person. And to you that are concidering it, I just want you to know how fulfilling it is to do this. and my suggestion to you would be ask questions and more questions.

[HopefulMommy]

Lisa3NY,

Thank you for your post. My husband and I are at the beginning of our adoption journey and Fostering keeps coming up. I am beginning to get the feeling it is what God wants us to do.

I have watched the shows that have the parents who end up having a home full of foster children that they have adopted and think, how cool would it be to have a family like that.

We had choir members at our church foster a drug exposed infant. We all grieved when Charlie left “our family” but were so happy for him and his forever-family. The adoptive parents are still in contact with the couple who fostered him and send pictures and see each other often.

But I have so many fears and I am sure many are based on misconceptions and my ignorance.

I have fears the children are damaged beyond repair. Fear that because of lack of bonding or neglect they will be defiant or even violent. Fear that I will not be patient enough to parent. Fear we are not strong enough to be good disciplinarians. I don’t know, maybe these are fears all future parents have.

But none the less these children are on my heart. I have to find more answers. And I need statistics (my husband is a statistician so he likes the numbers). Any suggestions?

What types of things did your neighbor say to easy your mind? I am having a hard time finding a foster parent support group in my area. I figured these would be the people to listen to.


Any suggestions and all prayer would be appreciated!

-Becky

[Lisa3NY]

Hi Becky,
Well, you sound a lot like me a few years ago. Here goes my answers...

As for being concerned with kids being damaged beyond repair, well we thought that was what we were going to get, but we got the sweetest most loving children. Come to find out, it depends on the abuse. If it is neglect, they are dying for love and affection and will be loving. If it is physically or emotional abuse, that's when you get the angry kids. If angry kids is something you don't think you can do, you let your county know that, and they are supposed to give you what you want.

As for your concern with not enough patience with kids... I recommend "Love and Logic" by Foster Kline and Jim Fay. They have books and cassette tapes you can pop in your car tape player. I swear by them. Since there is no corporal punishment allowed w foster kids, this is a life saver. And it really works. Kids act out for attention, even the negative kind..and so spanking gets them attention. This teaches you how to keep control and your sanity!

As for statistics... I used www.yahoo.com and punched in foster care statistics. Lots of good statistics.

My neighbor eased my mind in so many ways. I found out my county does a phenominal job. And I have found it to be true. I was specific in what I wanted, including a situation that looked like the kids would be freed for adoption... and that's what it looks like for us.

My prayers are with you and if you have anymore questions...pleae let me know!!
Lisa

[redat38]

Sounds like your experience has been a very positive one for you.
I live in Pa. and here my experience hasn't been so. Do you feel that your socialworker has been very open and honest with you?
I guess I am still looking for some hope , I am very interested in adopting I am just not sure if adopting from the foster care system would be so positive.

[Late Bloomer]

Lisa3NY, I'm glad your experience has worked out well, but I have to disagree with this statement , "If it is neglect, they are dying for love and affection and will be loving. If it is physically or emotional abuse, that's when you get the angry kids."

I thought like you do when we started out, that neglect was a less harmful situation than abuse, but have learned the hard way that it actually can be more harmful in certain ways. We had a child with reactive attachment disorder placed with us, and it's the worst kind of damage I can imagine right now. No conscience, no ability to connect to others, or to feel anything but anger. This child was not abused, but terribly neglected.

Some kids who have been abused, on the other hand, have nonetheless been able to bond with their parents. It's not the healthiest bond, and they'll still need therapy to work on it, but it's much better than no bond at all. Just thought I'd mention this 'cause it was an eye opener for us.

[Lisa3NY]

I agree with you, Late Bloomer. It doesn't have to be abuse that causes something like RAD. I dealt with a child with that, and it took about 2 years to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I should've worded it better... my counselor for my children explained that "in a lot of cases" neglect causes one type of behavior and abuse causes another. Keep your head up. I know what you are going thru and it isn't easy. It seems hopeless. But it's not! How long have you had the child?

And to the other lady I think her e mail was Red38? My first caseworker was not good at all. He kept me in the dark for 6 months. THe kids would go on the visits and I wouldn't know how they were feeling or anything. Then, come to find out, he was waiting to go to a different job, and my new caseworker is the best. She answers all of my questions and keeps me updated after every visit. She's very honest and open. My best advice to you would be to ask your county to talk to a foster parent in your area. THis way, you could know how good or bad your county does. I was sort of confused, though. It sounded as though you have already begun the process and wasn't impressed??? Or are you just still concidering?

[redat38]

My family fostered in our county and I like most people in our county have nothing good to say about our local C&Y...we had a small child for 3 years and documented sexual abuse and physical abuse and neglect needless to say with parents not complying for years the county still reunited the child back with the father who sexually abused the child, 6 years later and the head of our C and Y has made it known that he won't abide by fed. law after 18 months of parents not having their act together to move for termination because he says He will not make orphans out of the children.
It really was not a good experience. So I have many, many doubts about our counties C&Y. I am not sure about other counties around the area. I don't know any foster families outside of our county.
I guess I needed to vent, Thank you! and look for some advice.

[Lisa3NY]

Redat38,

Wow. That's aweful. I've heard about counties not abiding by the 18 month law. I guess I'm lucky I'm in one that is abiding. Maybe the answer for you would be to find out about surrounding counties. And if they all seem not so good, wait a period of time?? Maybe in the future they will begin abiding.

Or, another avenue would be to tell the county you want only the extreme cases... ones where the parents are deceased or in jail and not coming out soon... something where it looks as though adoption is the probable outcome.

Or what about interstate adoption? Don't give up hope. If there is a will there is a way!!!

Respectfully yours,
Lisa

[ferner]

We are foster parents of a 13 yr boy. They are planning reunification. We work with a private co. They give tons of support, counselling and get togethers for the foster parents and kids. We have had an exceptional experience with them on with our foster son. He was hard to handle in his last foster home and with his mom. We give him structure, praise and lots of respect and he has always given it back. If you are interested in this company, email me. There is only one problem, they usually get the harder to place kids (usually older). They county keeps the young ones since they have families lined up for them. Don't worry, once you start it comes to you just like with bios.

[redat38]

Hi Lisa
Thanks for the thoughts, I've been considering going outside our county...just nervous I really don't know any foster parents outside our county to talk to about their county and don't want to have the same experience. But it is something to look into. I guess the key to keep in mind is just to stand strong on what child and situation would work with our family.
Thanks again
Jane

[melsabovt]

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for the past 3 and a half years. We have always wanted to adopt, even before we knew we had fertility problems, we wanted to have biological children and adopted children born from our hearts.

I am almost 24 and my husband is 32, and we want children so bad! But he is in college, and we just don't have the $10,000 it takes for a traditional adoption. So we started looking into foster care, legal risk adoption. I stay home full time caring for a disabled woman who lives with us, so this is the ideal time to become parents. I have the time, and plenty of patience and love.

We have just started our 10 week training for foster care, and are hopeful that we will not have too much heartache. No matter how much people are preparing us for the chance that when we do start caring for an infant, that chances are we will probably have to return it to its mother.
How have you guys handled it? I'm gung ho about it, but really scared.
I'd love to hear what you have to say!
Melissa

[Lisa3NY]

I was about 90% sure we'd keep our foster kids. We've had them 10 months now, and my case worker planned on tpr in two months. Now, the grandmother wants to take custody. It could happen.

If the kids go back, I'll always love them and hopefully start a relationship with grandparents. I couldn't imagine not knowing them. I remember being where you are at... I never thought I could do foster care. Even having the kids in my home, I said I'd never want to meet the parents... and I have. I'm doing all sorts of things I thought I'd never do. It's a very amazing experience within yourself. You grow along the way. I've been humbled in many ways, and found my love for my foster kdis is deeper than I'd imagined.

Hope this helps!

[cuddles]

I agree with you completely about helping a child in need, that's what its really all about but you can't go into fostering for adoption purposes that's really not the goal but it sometimes the best thing for them in the long run.
this is what happened to us we could not have children, been married 15 yrs
when we decided to enter foster care, we thought if the birth parents had 18 -22 month to get the child back.
then we asked for a child 3 years old we thought at that age the child would know there parents when they had to go back home to them,it would not be a stranger and I would be OK knowing that the child understood what was going on and of coarse wanted to be with there birth parents

now we just started to foster again after 8 yrs of not fostering and that was because our foster daughter came to us at the age of 3 yrs and in the 2 yrs we fostered her she had NO contact with birth family but by the time we fostered her we found out she had been sexually abused by moms good old boy friend starved and beaten on a regular basses and was very angry at everyone. she could not be left alone with other children for any length of time, so we stopped fostering, after we adopted her happily after 2 yrs , we love her more then life it self, and I really don't believe she can bond with any one with all that she went threw but we would never think of her without us she is my child and IM her Mom no one can ever tell me different she was born to be my family. I truly believe that.


8 yrs later she's doing great and becoming a wonderful young lady.
so now we have fostered again
a beautiful baby boy since he was 6 weeks old, I have always wanted to see what it was like to have a baby seeing our daughter was 3 when she came to us, the baby turns one this month YEAH we are hoping he will stay with us forever,


But its soOOOOOO hard to deal with the baby going home when he does not have visits from the Mom or dad, I can only tell you that its a lot like waiting to have a miscarriage after 7 month of being pregnant if you get what IM trying to say.
There's so many great things about fostering a baby that it out ways all of the bad parts believe me.

But your first child should not be a baby if you don't have children because if you lose the first one after 2 years of fostering and being ma ma you may never want to help again, it takes a strong heart and mind to be a foster parents been a blessing to our family. cuddles

[BusyMama]

As for children being too far gone to be repaired, our FD came to us with a bunch of behaviors. She did NOT want her hair touched, she did NOT want baths. She did NOT want to stay strapped into her car seat, or to keep clothes on, or to keep shoes on. She thought it was OK to go into the cupboards anytime and eat whatever she wanted, the fridge too. She spit at us, kicked us, hit us, told us no over and over, and if things didn't go her way, she tantrumed, and I mean tantrumed! Full screaming, kicking, jumping, crib shaking, earth shattering tantrums.

She is just 2 years old, and we believe drug affected, as her ** has been a junkie for the past 6 years.

In 2 months time, I can do her hair. If I tell her it is bath time, she sheds her clothes and climbs in. She stays dressed, she knows you have to stay in the car seat or momy will stop the car. I put a kid lock on the cupboards and set limits for her eating. We tell her the tantrums don't fly here, and ignore them. She went from everyday tantrums to occasional meltdowns. She hasn't spit or kicked in a while.

We're not out of the woods yet and may never be is she was drug exposed, but my point is, if you are willing to invest time, for a lot of kids, it is not too late. Behaviors can be changed, kids can learn to love and be loved. Foster parents are great at educating themselves about special needs and learning how to best parent the child. The child comes with an entire TEAM of SW's, counselors, school counselors, etc....You are never alone. Don't worry about the kids. These kids tend to be more resilient than most. They will surprise and delight you.