[roche]

My family received our first call for a placement just yesterday. We have anxiously been waiting a few months. And I really want to make the right decision for EVERYONE. There is a good chance these children will be available for adoption, as the judge has already had a permenency hearing, and so if we take these children, we really need to be committed to keeping the children. They have already been in one transtion family which didn't work out, and their current foster mom is concerned that it will happen again.

Anyway, I have a darling husband, and two boys, 9 and 6. The boys needing placement are 15 months and 2 1/2 (will be 3 in march). FM said they are very smart, active, and the older one is a little high maintenance. She has worried about his activity level, but says the daycare says he is just like the other 2 years at the daycare.

I have gotten over the shock of getting the call, and last night we met the FParents and kids for dinner. Today they are coming to my home for a visit. And then tomorrow when fparents are at work, we will tend the two little ones.

First concern: When I said I would take a sibling group, I didn't really intend on taking two children so young and so close in age. But, after a lot of thought and talk with my husband, we can get over that. I am not too anal about housekeeping and we think we can make the adjustment together. We are willing to adjust our schedules as best we can, so that one of is always at sporting event for our two older kids, etc.

Second and Main concern: My two children, 9 and 6. My 9 year old is resilient and seems pretty excited. My 6 year old, however, is pretty honest that he does not want to be a big brother. (to a little boy OR girl). My 6 year was in early intervention preschool his first year, but then mainstreamed into typical preschool his second year because he improved so much (non-compliant behavior). Anyway, kindergarten has been great, no problems with socialization. And he has some good buddies he enjoys playing with. However, he is very resistent to change, and he is used to being the baby. Sometimes when a sibling group (neighbors) comes to play with my older son, my younger son will just keep to himself in a room and play video games. My 6 year has come a long way with socialization, but he is pretty high maintenance, a little bit of a rebel.

What are your feelings on taking in children so young when the 6 year is so open about not wanting to be a big brother. Am I making a mistake considering children so young? I want to help these two little boys, but I don't want to "lose" my 6 year old in the process. He would be the one to struggle the most. I actually think he would adjust to the 15 month okay. He would have more trouble adjusting to the 2 1/2 year old. When 3 year old boys in the neighborhood say "hi" or try to play with him, he totally ignores them or gets upset if they try to come over.


Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated! Roche

[Ians mom]

Hi. This is the first time I have responded to a post, so be patient with me.

We are also new foster to adoptees with a 6 yr old son. Our main concern, as is yours, is the effect of other children on our son. I think you are right to be concerned if your little guy is wanting to stay the baby of the family.

Maybe you could get some books about being a big brother from the local library, let him do special "big boy" activities to encourage him let go of his position as the youngest more easily?

A friend of mine has suggested bringing a special gift for our son from the foster children placed with us to help him be more accepting of them.
Good luck to you all and I hope everything works out for you all

[roche]

We spent the day tending the 15 month old and 2 1/2 year old day. Wow, what a lot of work. But it was really worth it. We all had a blast. My husband had a flex day off, so we took everyone sledding. It was cute, because my husband would go down the hill on a big sled with the two little ones and our six year old, all either in front or in back of him. It was hilarious. We made sure everyone took turns and got a turn with mom or dad.

Last night, we talked to our kids about the little ones "staying" with us for a while, since their mom can't take care of them right now. My kids had really wanted to have the family room downstairs in the basement, and we had told them "no" just last week. Well, we told them that if these little ones come stay with us, then the "big boys" get to have the family room for their bedroom, because the little ones will need the two bedrooms upstairs. Right now, my two boys are pretty excited about having their bedroom in the big basement room (but we'll see when reality hits, eh?). Anyway, at least I can breathe a sigh of relief that at least my six year old is somewhat tolerating the idea. He was pretty excited, becasue usually I don't let him go with his older brother to his older brother's friend's house. But today I let him, and he felt pretty important.

Anyway, we decided to transition the kids all this next week, so the weekend of Jan. 11th we'll get them permanently. And, I am so excited! It's weird how your emotions can swing so drastically about this. You know, it's not too different frombeing pregnant. I remember my emotions being just like a pendalum - I am excited. I am scared. Am I crazy? I am happy. I think I am happy. Maybe I made a mistake? Then the baby is born and I definitely know I am happy.

Thanks for "listening" to me. Roche

[toyjsu]

I am so excited for you. I hope your 6 year old adjusts. I think he might like the advantages that come with being a big brother. Try to make a big deal about how important his role is. I can't wait to hear how everything works out.

Good luck

[Gr8ful4MyFamily]

WOW I am so excited for you!!!
I know it can be shocking when you get that phone call.
We are in the process of adopting a sib set. 20 months and 9 months. Yes,...12 months apart and very YOUNG!
We have a 6 year old daughter who is adjusting very well to being a big big sister.

Good luck to you and keep us posted!

[sls_93]

Roche
What has happend since your last post? How did everything go? what state are you in? Did your 6 yr old do ok, or did you turn the kids down?
SLS

[roche]

The two boys will be coming Sunday night to stay. Sometimes the 6 year old is okay about it (usually when they aren't here), but when they get here, he is a little territorial and stays in his room playing playstation.

My first son did that with my second for a long time. He was just annoyed by the second when he was a toddler until just last year. He was always getting in his stuff, bugging him, yada yada. Now my first son is 9 years old, and he is not bugged as much, even though 6 year old can still be annoying. So I guess 9 year old has adjusted and matured a bit. And 6 year old isn't "as annoying."

I think that is what will happen with my 6 year old and two little ones. He is actually only annoyed by the 2 1/2 year old. He isn't bugged by the 15 month old as much. (2 1/2 year old is little more of a threat.)

Anyway, I am going to try to approach this in a matter of fact way. It's okay to be annoyed or struggle with the 2 1/2 year old, but we can still be civil. Sometimes we will all be together as a family, but sometimes the two "big" boys will get to be in their "hangout" by themselves. We designated our family room in the basement as their new bedroom, and they are psyched about getting such a new cool room.
Also, I will be having someone watch the two little ones so I can still volunteer at the older ones' classes on Monday mornings.

My 6 year old will probably struggle a bit, but he has morning kindergarten, so I'll be alone with two little ones. Then 6 year old will come home, I'll feed them naps, and two little ones will go down for a nap. That will be my time with 6 year old for "just us" time.

I had a talk with two big boys yesterday. I was adopted in sixth grade, and a couple of my new siblings were really mean...."when are you going back to Korea? I wish you had never come here....We'd be rich if we hadn't gotten you." I told my boys I still love them, the new little ones will bring change, and change is hard. But we are never allowed to be cruel or mean. If they get frustrated with the little ones, that's going to happen. But I won't allow meanness.

Anyway, sounds good on paper. We'll see how it actually turns out! I'll let ya know! Roche

[JuliannaTeresa]

Regarding the frustration part, instead of a cash allowance system. I use a poker chip method.

My Daughters are older, but the 'blue chip' represents an hour of one on one time with me without the other Sister.


I feel that this helps alot with the frustration part. I see them using their words more instead of anger and frustration. The chips can also be saved up, and both girls look forward to receiving them! The 'White Chip' is for an article of new clothing. The 'Red chip' is for pick of favorite dinner!

You can make this situation work for everyone. It just takes creativity on your part!

[imesmolly8]

I am nervous and excited for you! And a little jealous. We've been waiting 4 months to get a placement. Had a few close calls but haven't brought our 4-ever kid home....yet. It sounds like once you get that phone call things can move pretty fast. Hope all is going well, post sometime when you can take a breath and let us know.

[sheree72]

We live in Washington and have a few more visits to finish our homestudy up. We have a 5 year old and like everyone here are a bit worried about the affect of children (more than 1) in our home on her at once. We have been approached about 2 children from our social worker who are 2 and about 10 months. The 2 year old is on target socially although have drugs in system when born and the baby didnt have any drugs in system. There parental rights have been terminated so they are definately looking for a perminant home. I actually have 2 comments 1. The affect of 2 little ones on her and im a little worried because the biological mom has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and wondering if that would be taking a big risk accepting these children even though im sure if i saw them i would take them in a heart beat. I just want to make smart decision with my brain and not my heart that would be fair to all of us. I know of famillies that have taken children from the state and how they have affected the whole familly with issues. Dont get me wrong i love children but am a bit afraid of consequences there could possibly be on family member if we dont think it threw to the best of our ability. Any advice would be great.

[toyjsu]

Sheree,

You might want to do a little research. Bi-polar can be inherited. I have never had a bi-polar child but I learned a lot about it in nursing school. Not every family is cut out to handle a child with bi-polar. However, just because mom had it doesn't mean the child will get it too. I suggest reading and talking with a professional about the possibilities. The children are so young it is difficult to tell right now. Try to get as much info to make an informed decision.

Good luck.