[LaNancy]

I was just wondering how the adjustment in lifestyle is, once you have taken in foster or adoptive kids....My SO and I live in our house with three dogs...we are very much homebodies, so I wouldn't miss going out..but what about the change in routine around the house? Now we spend our evenings on the computers, watching TV, etc...will we be able to adjust to a completely different life/routine?????

[pookiesmine]

It kinda changes your life like a snowstorm. A little at a time, quietly, sometimes overnight, sometimes all day with little squalls.

Then suddenly you look at your "SO" and ask when was the last time you talked about anything besides the kids? What was the last meal you ate sitting down?

Or, in my case, How many kids are sleeping here tonight? And, Are you sure it's only 9:35. I could've sworn it was midnight. Can we go to bed anyway?

Enjoy life where you, and where it takes you. There's really no time left for regrets that way!!

[Howdy]

It was a huge adjustment for me. My natural bent is to be a late night person (sleep late, go to work late, stay late at work).

When I got my fd the first two weeks about killed me, suddenly I had to bound out of bed at 5 AM, and then rush constantly on a tight schedule until I got to work and could then relax (work is relaxing compared to childcare). I couldn't understand the other mothers at pony school who discussed not liking it that their kids had started school, I was thrilled to put mine on the school bus!

Then I absolutely had to dash out of work on time so I could pick her up from aftercare before they start charging a dollar a minute.

After a few weeks my internal clock adjusted to mornings (I even decided the sunrise was pretty after all), but I still didn't have convenient habits, like making vegetables. I almost never fix vegetables for myself, and I thought that somehow when I became a mom I would magically turn into my own mom and start cooking dinners. Didn't happen! Poor kid (my fd liked veggies) only got a vegetable maybe a dozen times in the 3 1/2 months she was with me. Luckily the school lunches provided veggies. I cooked an actually sit down dinner perhaps 4 times. I think the food pyramid I provided was breads/noodles, fats, proteins, and ice cream. With liberal applications of chips, candy, and McDonald's.

In the beginning I didn't get enough sleep, and got very cranky and even (embarrassingly) a little teary and self-pitying when we went through a period where I had trouble getting her to go to sleep.

I was a homebody but suddenly I had to do non-home things, like go to the variety of excrusiatingly boring evening events the elementary school kept having where parents had to try to fit their adult rumps into tiny hard chairs. Then there was the schlepping around to recreational activities and kid's parties.

I never found time to exercise daily, that was a major frustration. And instead of engaging in activities that I like (such as riding my horse) my time increasingly was taken over by playing ball or badminton.

The constant stress of having to follow a schedule every minute of the day was the most wearing adjustment I think.

Anyway, now that I'm between kids, I am trying to reorganize and be better prepared for the next one. Such as: I've cleaned off more shelves so they'll be plenty of space to put away all the kid's things. I've cleared off my stuff from the refrigerator so they'll be room for sticking up the kid's art/homework.

I am going to try with the next child to hold the line about having time to exercise.
And I'm going to try to be more in control of what we watch on TV.
And I'm going to try to pick up stuff a couple minutes everyday so we don't get a huge mess all over the house.
And I'm going to get the house and farm chores done with the kid having to trail after me, instead of playing all the time with the kid while all my responsibilities are neglected (tho my fd felt like I almost never would play with her, two people - two totally different perspectives!).
And I'm going to get regular oil-changes and other car maintenance instead of waiting for a convenient power outage at work before I grab a minute to take the car to a shop.
And I'm going to not be such a pushover at the kid's bedtime about 'another story!'.
And I'm going to cook real meals with veggies and maybe even not sit in front of the TV to eat them.
And I'm going to magically turn into my own mom.

Someone on these boards said it took them nine months to really adjust and feel like life was normal. I only got to be a mom for 3 and a half months, so I believe I didn't have enough time to fully adjust. I was so thrilled to have my freedom back, and I was feeling guilty about that, but a coworker assured me that she thinks it is normal and she herself loves business trips because she gets a break from her kids.

[LaNancy]

I really appreciate your very honest reply..and for telling it like it really is.
I would be a stay at home "mom" if I were to do this, so that would be one less stress off my mind. My partner would be working outside the home. But I have to admit I like my freedom that I have now..I go to the gym everyday..take the dogs to the dog park..frankly, I'm not sure if I could adjust to the new lifestyle!!

What made you decide to be a foster mom?

And have you considered not taking in more kids and going back to your "previous life"?

How old was your first fd?

[Howdy]

I don't know why I decided to be a mom (I was a foster mom this time, but I really want to adopt, my fd was a 'legal risk' placement), but I don't know 'why' I want to be a mom. They asked that in the homestudy and it was hard to answer then too. I just do. I suppose it is 'biological imperative'.

I have considered not taking another kid and resuming my former freedom (and financial comfort), but I spent decades being free (and having a LOT of fun) and yet I wasn't happy about not having any children.

Almost all my friends and family that currently have children at home couldn't understand why I (or anyone) would want kids (my brother told me that if he could return his kids to someone he'd have jumped at the chance many times), and I didn't understand that (since they had chosen to have kids themselves), but after having a fd now I can understand. It is very stressful. And that was inspite of having a fd who was a bright, well-behaved, 7 yr old girl who had better social skills and manners than I do.

Nevertheless, lemming-like I am eager to do it again! I don't know why!

I think you will have an easier time. I think I could have handled it better if I wasn't single (though I am not sure I'd want to stay home all day with kids, I really like my job).

If your current gym doesn't have a daycare room, you might need to find a gym that does. Our local recreation center has certain hours during the day (unfortunately only at times when I'm at work) that kids can be dropped off for a small hourly charge while their mom's use the facilities or go off and do shopping/etc.

I really need to find some babysitting options before I get the next kid, I think that is really necessary and I didn't get around to doing it with my fd. I live in a smallish town, the nearest late-hour drop-off babysitting service that I know of is 20 miles away from me.

You will probably network with the other stay-at-home mom's and between your husband and your friends, I imagine you will be able to find time to pursue your own activities.

They taught us in class and I've read it in books, that continuing to do your own favorite activities is important, and not just for yourself, but as a role model for the child.

I did okay while the days were long, because I can motivate myself to ride my horse at almost anytime of day, but once it got dark and cold in the evenings, I couldn't motivate myself to exercise. I normally exercise in the mornings and the schedule I had to keep to get us to the school bus on time and picked up from after care on time, prevented me having time in the morning to exercise.

But, my next kid I asked to be younger, in the 3 to 5 yr range, and I will put them in daycare near where I work (already visited two places really close to my job that are nice and also affordable), so I hope to be able to exercise in the mornings again, because it won't matter if we are late to daycare, and if we are so late to daycare that I don't have 8 hours for my job before they close, I'll just pick up the kid and come back to work to finish my hours (no doubt with a quick run past McDonald's on the way back to work).

That's my plan anyway!

[LaNancy]

I appreciate all that you have shared, I really do. I'm sure as you get each child, you learn things from each one, and perhaps the experience becomes easier.

My gym does have a daycare center..so that is good. And I would want to find some child care during the day, like you mentioned..for when I need to run errands, etc. Although I would prefer school age kids so I can get stuff done while they are at school.

I think being a single mom is difficult under the best of circumstances..fostering as a single person has to be even tougher!!

I am 42..I have spent so many years focused on myself..doing what I want..I got all that "stuff" out of my system..now I am ready to devote time to kids that need it.

PS: I am a Big Sister volunteer to an eleven year old girl...I am having a great time with it..it has sort of "whetted my appetite" for motherhood, so to speak!

It is so incredibly helpful to read others' experiences!!!

[parrothead]

I am the same way you are. Love to be alone or just to be able to take off with my husband. This weekend we got to meet and spend the weekend with our potential new son who is 11. Friday was great but I have to admit that Saturday morning I broke down thinking I could not change my life so drastically. Well the rest of Saturday went fine and we had to return him Sunday. You know what? I miss him already and can't wait till next weekend and permanent placement right after xmas. Don't be scared about the change I think it will be well worth it. Good Luck Kris

[MOMMA LOV]

FROM HOMEBODY TO TAXI DRIVER.

DOC VISITS, COUNCELING, SPORTY, GYMNASTICS, FIRENDS......

LOL IT IS WORTH IT