[sassafras]

Is this normal? I am terrified once these children I love hit 18 and get their "files" they will find their birth mom and turn their backs on us, the ones that gave them a good home and loved them and raised them.

[Allieloopy]

I don't know how I'll handle it either. I am sure our kids will want to know about their parents. My daughter's mother was adopted too so that adds and extra step to her search.

I guess it's just like going to school or them growing up and moving out. WE have to be confidant that we taught them enough of our values that they will make the right decision.

Hey my daughter is just starting preschool and I am worried about this too so it's normal!

Paula

[Shoshana]

From what I've seen, your fear is very normal for somone new to the process.

I can assure you, however, that it's impossible to erase 18 (or however many) years of a parent/child relationship.

I found my birth mother when I was 20 years. My mother was very threatened initially but I was patient with her fears and explained why I needed to do this. Over time, she became very supportive of my search. If anything, I grew to love her MORE because of her support.

Now, 24 years later, my parents and birth mother have all met, exchange cards at holidays, and meet for family reunions when they are all in the same town.

Relax, love your child, and read these forums! They'll help you to understand that some adoptees DO need to know about their past, but that does not mean adoptive parents are abandoned in the process.

[glk]

Yes, these feelings are normal. They will be a part of your concerns for these children until they are adults. We went through a period with our oldest son of the "Fantasy Family", everything would have been different if he'd been raised by his biomom. And we told him, yes, it would have been different. He would probably have died. When he was 14/15 he was very intent on finding her and living with her. He is now 19 and has no intention of ever finding her. He has found some extended biofamily and we have all developed a relationship with his biosister. We no longer worry about "losing" him to the biofamily, because he has decided how much contact he wants and it isn't much!

Because of our experiences with him, we did things differently with our "new" kids, a sibling group that we finalized on last summer. We have visits and phone calls with the biomom and her sister is a huge part of the kids lives. We are hoping that we won't have to deal with the fantasy family when these guys are older.

Is yours a totally closed adoption? Are you willing to allow the kids to have contact with anyone in their biofamily? If it is safe for the kids I think it can be beneficial for everyone.

[Sharon]

I agree with glk. From what I've learned in my time on these boards, this worry can be more or less alleviated by having an open or semi-open adoption with ongoing contact between the child and the bio-family. In my personal experience, there is nothing more fearful than "the unknown"... in an open adoption, at least you're dealing with known factors, not scary fantasies.
It also seems that curiosity is a strong motivating factor for many adoptees who search for their birthfamilies. In an open adoption, the curiosity is eliminated, because the adoptee grows up having his/ her questions answered as they arise.
I see your point, and I sympathise with your fear... but although many adoptees reunite with their birthparents, few (and I mean, VERY few) turn their backs on the families that loved and raised them. You do hear horror stories about this, but I think that in these rare cases, something else was going on behind the scenes and we are not hearing the entire story.
I wish you the best, ~ Sharon

[sassafras]

My kids parents rights were terminated through the state. Unfortunately I just talked to someone who knows mom and things have not changed. If their mom ever gets straightened out I would let them write letters etc and go thru a 3rd party. Unfortunately her drugs are still the most important thing in her life.

[vbandsf]

Y'know, when I worry about this, I try to remember my biological brother, who like me was raised by my parents in a suburban, middle-class "normal" family, turned his back on my folks and hasn't talked to any of us for a dozen years. There's no guarantees, regardless.

Love your kids, do the best you can, pray (if that's right for you) and hope for the best! They'll know where their stability and affection came from, right?

[Just Julie]

How old are your kids? I would tell them everything you know about their birthparents and past in an age appropriate manner with no sugar-coating. It will resonate with their own feelings anyway no matter how old they were when removed from the home, and they will know that you are a person whom they can trust to be honest with them. I cannot tell you how much this means to my son who came to us at 17, a HS senior. He and I are well bonded and can talk about anything. He sees his bio family once a year, and I support any relationship with them that he is comfortable with while keeping his safety in mind. The more open and honest you are as they are growing up, the less you have to fear. Blessings, Julie

[sassafras]

Thanks for the tips. The youngest still has a fierce loyalty towards the mom which is normal. The two older ones know she was on drugs etc but they do not understand to what extent. I am sure as they mature they will see more and more of the true picture. I always tell them their mom loved them she just made bad choices and could not take care of them.

[saucey95]

This is a big fear of ours also. I wonder if the children will truly love us as their parents or will they feel like we are just really nice people who raised them? I think this fear is what keeps many people from adopting. The fear of being an outsider or excluded because the child wants to be a part of the birth family for whatever reason.
I hope that everyone on here is right and that with love support honesty and guidance, our future children will love us as their mom and dad regardless of whether they seek out the person who gave birth to them. I try to focus on that saying that goes along the lines....anyone can be a father (or mother) but it takes alot more to be mom (or dad)...I hope that makes sense. Just because someone gives birth doesn't automatically make them a 'mom' or a 'dad'. No offense to any of you who are birth parents!!

[HopefulMommyNC]

I can completely understand your fear. My daugther is biologically my husbands, but I am the only mommy she knows. Her bio mom is a druggy and has a lot of issues that she is in no hurry to resolve. We live in NC and she lives in TN. I have a lot of fear about her wantinga relationship with her bio mom. My husband isn't worried about it he just feels sad for michelle and says she'll be hurt that mother didn't want her. I think that she will try to hurt michelle and I's relationship.
I hold on to the fact that I have given her all the love that I can and the noone can take away the years we have spent together with me being there for her everyway that I can. I will always be mom and she will be the person who gave her life. Hold on to that thought and the fact that you were everything that you could be to your child.

[Kindreds]

saucey, I know you are worried and in a way that is a good thing as you will be able to study, think and prepare yourself. Reading a "search" study done by UMass Medical School Center for Adoption Research my be helpful to you. It seems the children who have appropriate discussions about adoption, especially in their teenage years fare better during the search in reunion process and are able to maintain good relationships with both families.

http://www.centerforadoptionresearch...at egoryName=

[Kindreds]

ONCE UPON A TIME

A letter from one adoptive parent to other adoptive parents

by Colleen Buckner

Once upon a time, a birthmother crossed an imaginary bridge with her
child
in her arms and placed the child in our waiting arms. She entrusted us
to be
loving parents and to honor and cherish this child that she could
not keep.
When our children became adults, it was our turn to walk back across
that
imaginary bridge with our son or daughter to the other side, where
their
life began.It was our turn to trust the birthmother and birth family to
be
there for our adult son or daughter when they reach out to connect both
of
their families, adoptive and biological, through them.

I always cringe when I hear an adoptive parent describe their adopted
son or
daughter as a "gift" from the
birthmother. A "gift" usually means something given freely and without
reservation. The majority of adopted babies were "entrusted" to us -
they
were not a gift! We were entrusted to care for and love this child that
the
birthmother was not able to keep because of family and social pressure
and
stigma. The
birthmother also loved and cherished this child that she relinquished
to us,
the adopting family. She was told that she was doing "the best thing"
for
her child.

"Search" and "reunion" are words that you probably never thought about
when
your adopted baby was placed in your arms for the first time. As your
son or
daughter grew and matured, did you ever think about the possibility of
search and reunion? I know I didn't. At least not until my daughter
brought
up the subject of looking for her birthfamily when she was 18 years
old. I
never thought about asking her if she ever considered searching for her
birthfamily.

I was the average adoptive parent. . .ignorant of the research by
people
like Nancy Verrier (as documented
in her book The Primal Wound); ignorant of an adoptee's need to claim
their
biological heritage; ignorant of what it felt like to be relinquished,
or
what it felt like to relinquish a child. I only knew the joy of
adoption. I
knew none of the
pain of relinquishment.

I always thought about my daughter's birthmother throughout her growing
up
years. At our daughter's first
birthday party, she was dressed in her lacy, pink dress with matching
ruffled panties and white socks and Mary Jane shoes, and I vividly
remember
wishing that her birthmother could be there to share in the joy of this
celebration. With each succeeding birthday, Christmas, dance recital,
first
day of
kindergarten, first day of college, and graduation, I wished that her
birthmom could be there to experience the accomplishments and
celebrations
of this beautiful and lovable daughter. Throughout the years, I always
thought to myself "she would be so proud of her."

As "good" adoptive parents, we told our daughter from an early age that
she
was adopted. We explained that while she was not born "in my tummy"
like her
older brother, she was born "in my heart." Since she didn't really
question
our explanation, we didn't ask her how she felt about that difference.
In
our ignorance we didn't take the conversation any further by providing
a
safe forum for her to discuss the "how-comes" of a tummy versus heart
birth.
In retrospect, I can see that we emphasized the heart experience and
didn't
elaborate on the tummy experience, even though both experiences
belonged to
her. This was probably because we
didn't know much about her birthmother except what the social workers
told
us at the time: that she was 19, unmarried, a
college student who felt that adoption was the best option under the
circumstances.

At 18, when our daughter did question us about her birthmother and any
information we might know, we offered to help her get information from
the
adoption agency. With a payment of $100 and a few months' wait, the
information arrived in the mail. We all read it over and discussed it,
but
since there weren't any names or addresses, it didn't seem that we were
any
more knowledgeable about her biological heritage than we were 18 years
earlier. The non-identifying information was put away, but went with
her as
she left to go
to college and grad school.

Eight years later, with her diplomas in hand and a new job secured in
the
city of her birth, the discussion about her birth family became a
priority.
Within a few months, we were able to find out her birthmother's maiden
surname. We spent days in the library going through old city
directories and
phone books and compared the names to the current phone books. There
was
only one last name that matched the name we had. Our daughter called
the
number one evening and her
birthmother answered. That was almost five years ago and now my
long-standing wish for her mother to be able to share in the joys and
celebrations of our daughter has finally come
true.

Being there to support my daughter in her search and reunion has
brought us
even closer as an adoptive family. When I hear that other adoptive
parents
are afraid of search and reunion because they fear losing their son or
daughter, I am not surprised that they don't realize that it actually
strengthens their relationship. I cannot imagine not supporting your
son or
daughter in their search and reunion anymore than I can imagine not
allowing
them to get their driver's license or go on that first date or leave
home to
attend the college of their choice. Why be afraid of more people who
will
love your son or daughter?

Adoptive parents have an additional parenting task to perform for their
adopted son or daughter then biological parents have. That task is to
lend
support to their child in their search for their birthfamily; this is a
part
of the process of their growing up adopted and feeling good about who
they
are and where they came from.

Search and reunion is probably one of the most emotional experiences
that
adoptees will ever undertake. An adopted person NEEDS the support and
approval of their adoptive family.
Provide a forum for that discussion. Bring it up in conversation. Don't
wait
for them to talk to you about it, for they may feel that it only hurts
you
to acknowledge
that they have "another family." Being supportive of their search and
reunion can be as simple as asking them to tell
you about what is happening and showing your continued love and
interest in
their search journey.

Adoptees often have abandonment issues from their original
relinquishment.
To feel abandoned a second
time by their adoptive family just when they are trying to resolve
these
issues through search and reunion is an emotional hardship. To ignore
or
discount the importance of their biological family feels like
genealogical
genocide
to an adoptee. If blended families are possible in families that
divorce and
marry new partners, then blended families are also possible in adopted
families.

Searching is not about adoption and it has nothing to do with the
quality of
adoptive family parenting.
Searching is about relinquishment and the search for self.

Colleen Buckner is a searcher and PACER board member. She may be
reached at
therighttoknow@yahoo.com <mailto:therighttoknow@yahoo.com

[SWGAgirl]

As a 42 year old adoptee recently reunited with my b-mom, I wanted to address this if I could. My searching for and finding my b-mom had NOTHING to do with my parents. It was nothing that they did or did not do- the need was inside ME. Just because I have found my b-mom does not mean I am going to forsake my parents. I would NEVER do that!!! It does not mean I do not love my parents to the MAX. I DO!!! My parents are GREAT parents. I will be loyal to them until the day I die.

One of the most common uses of the computer today is for genealogical research. Most people have a need to know where they came from. People think genealogy is a neat hobby......but adoptees are frowned on frequently when we want to know our roots .

I wanted to share something though. (one of the FEW things my parents made a mistake by doing) Whenever I would ask about my b-parents, they would give me one word responses or say they did not want to know so they did not ask the social worker or hedge around a question. It was obvious to me that they were petrified of me ever finding my b-parents. So I knew from a very young age that if I ever searched for my b-parents, I would never be able tell my parents.

My parents are elderly now and have become somewhat inflexible............and I am sorry to say I am keeping a BIG secret from them because I love them and do not want to upset them. I would like nothing more than to share this with them........but it would serve no purpose but to upset them. I have "tested the water" too many times with the same result.

The point is- I feel you should answer your kids' questions as completely as you can, because my parents did not, and I still searched for my b-mom. In other words keeping the info from your kids may not stop them from searching.

Basically I think it depends on the individual person- some adoptees have a need to know their birth-parents and some do not. I can imagine it would be VERY scary to think you might "lose"your child if he/she found her b-parents. But I think a great number of adoptees would agree with me on this- just as you can love more than one child, or more than one grandmother,/grandfather- you can love a b-parent and still love your parents JUST as you always did. Peace, Liz

[sassafras]

Kindred, If you read my above post you would know that poem does not apply to me. The state took my kids from their mom, it was not a choice. She was stripped of her rights due to her drug use and not providing them a stable home or food etc.

My children were 3, 7 and 6 when they were removed so they do KNOW their birth mom. We have told them when they are 18 if they want to find her we will help them. I only hope she is alive and not dead from a drug overdose.