[Ashlea]

Hi, I am thinking of entering my state's Foster to adopt program but wanted to ask a few questions here.
Has anyone here been through this and actually adopted the child? If so how long was the wait?
Before you start to foster a child, do they tell you the chances, or odds of the bio parents getting the child back?
Has anyone here been through this and had their hearts crushed?
I don't know what to do.

Thanks.. sorry for all of the questions

God Bless,
Ashlea

[lucyjoy]

My friend just gave back an 18month old she'd had since birth to a mom who'd just again been in jail and who'd already lost 4 other children. I personally hate the idea of foster adopt. foster care is not a way to adopt a child. Many foster parents fall in love with the kids they have that really should go back to their birth parents and create a bigger problem for the child. I do believe that if a foster child is already in your home and you've worked the reunification process and the child canot go home, then a foster parent should be asked about adopting. But ageincies who know couples who only want to adopt are pushing them to foster and it is heart breaking and not for everyone. Just my very one sided opinion.

[BrandyHagz]

We're also looking at foster adopt...but still pretty far away from actually starting the process....

I dont know what to expect, much like you..

But, if there is one thing that I have learned from years of researching many things on the internet....Nine times out of ten, you dont hear about the good things....people are always willing to complain/report bad stuff, but as a general rule, they dont always report the good.

I am going to give it a shot, and I hope that it will work out for us. I hope it works for you too

[DianeS]

I have a friend who did foster care in another state. She wasn't looking to adopt, but its interesting to note that in the 4 years they fostered children (over 20 children), NOT ONE of the children in their home became available for adoption. Every single one went home to their birthparents.

Then they stopped providing foster care and moved to my state. A year or so later they were telephoned because one of the children, now 7 years old, who they had off and on as a foster child, was back in care and probably going to be put on the adoption track. Were they interested? A year later they were able to adopt her.

Now they want to expand their family some more, and have enrolled in our state's foster-adopt program, for a child or children age 0-3. They're on their 5th or 6th placement of "of course he/she will become adoptable" in less than a year - all previous infants have been returned to biological family in spite of the social workers' assurances that they wouldn't be. They've had their current sibling group of infant and toddler for several months, and still don't know what the outcome will be for those two.

Doing foster care is a completely different mindset than adopting. If you can have two ways of thinking, two plans for the future, two alternate outcomes, etc in your head at all times and not be affected by it, then this may be the way you want to go. If you can't, if it would absolutely destroy you to say goodbye to a child you'd known several months or even a year, then it isn't the way you want to go.

It's the way my husband and I are going, but I know it will be hard. We're of the mindset that we want to provide foster care to children who need it, who will eventually be returned to their families. In the case of a child in our home who cannot return to his birth family, we will happily adopt that child. It's a mindset that's completely backwards from the way most wanna-be adoptive parents think, isn't it? But it will save us a lot of heartache.

It's a hard decision--think it through well!

[sunshineinCA]

I've been a FP since April on the "fost-adopt" tract with my County. We thought it would be a good introduction to the type of kids in the "system" and confirm that we are wanting a <4 year old. We are just recently "adoption" approved as well. It is a two-step process (repeats really) in our state. We are licensed for up to 3 <7 year olds. We have had 1 emergency placement (siblings <2) when mom got arrested. The poor little guys needed way more help than we could offer and so they only stayed for the weekend. Since then we had 1 offer to fost-adopt a 10 month old and 1 offer to fost-adopt a 2 year old, both with substantial issues that we were not able to do because of their high needs. We got these last minute calls for these kids because we "volunteered" to do back up shelter (emergency) placement on the weekend. It has its ups and downs. The ups, are that most of the FPs I know have adopted from the placements they received within the first year. FP's are given first opportunity to adopt (after relatives). The social workers in our area seem to place the "likely to be adopted" kids with fost-adopt parents (vs. parents who only do foster care)when possible. However, it is ALWAYS the goal to reunite the kids with parents, relatives, etc. whenever possible, and they have made that very clear. With that said, some mom's continue to have children and continue to have them removed (sometimes mental health or substance abuse issues) so the workers know that there is a "more likely" chance they will be adoptable. The good part is that the six months required for adoption in our state can be "foster" time. So, no additional time for waiting is required if the judge says that the child should be placed for adoption. Our state also does "concurrency planning" which means the kids have two plans... a plan for reunification and a plan for long term care or adoption. We have met other FP's in our area that have adopted in 6-9 months time. Some parents only want to adopt, and in our state that means you must be a licensed foster parent, however, you tell the workers you only want adoptive placements. You can specify "without risk", which means that the parental rights have already been court terminated (not usual in our area, but varys by county), or "with legal risk" which means that it is still possible that someone would come into the system and want the child. It seems that the judges give the parents with newborns less time to "get their act together" than those with older kids. They tell us its because those first 2 years are very important to child/parent bonding. So, we wait, like many for the "right" placement and hope that meanwhile, we can provide a safe and happy home for kids in need.

Sorry for the length, hope that helps!

[glk]

We have been licensed to do foster care for 14 years; we applied for a foster license because we were tired of waiting for an adoptive home study - we'd been waiting 4 years at that point (things have really changed since then!). Our second placement was a 6 year old boy who was already free for adoption and our adoption was final one year later. He is now 18, a high school graduate, and heading to Job Corps in a few days. He still struggles with the abuse/neglect, several foster placements, etc., but is improving all the time.

We tried several times in the years since to adopt other children (not necessarily our foster children) but it never seemed to work out, and we continued to do foster care until our son's emotional needs became so pressing we had to concentrate on him for several years. Two years ago we felt he was ready for us to resume providing foster care with the goal that we would not seek another adoptive placement until our son graduated from high school, which he did this year.

However, in January of 2001 we accepted a foster placement of a 3 month old child "for two weeks"; in July we finalized the adoption of that child and two older siblings. We are now taking a one-year break from fostering and will see what the future holds from there.

We have fostered over 40 children and I believe that providing foster care is my life work and I would never have come to do it if it had been easier to get an adoptive homestudy or if I had been able to have biological children. It was something I fought doing for years but now I will continue to do it as long as I am able or as my adopted children's needs are such that I can.

[CaFostAdopter]

SunshineinCA, glk,

I would like to talk with you further about your experience in California and what county you are in. I am just starting the process and I really liked your post. You sound so much like our situation as far as wants and needs. We want to adopt a foster child we will be matched with but are also willing to just foster until the child that is meant to be ours comes into our lifes (hopefully the first one). We are planning on doing the "concurrent planning" where the bp have a very poor prognosis but of course there is no guarentee. We are really hoping for a newborn/infant. I would love to be able to talk privately with you about "everything" so please email me at kristy-mark@cox.net as I would like to get to know you better. Of course I would also understand if you did not feel comfortable with emailing.

glk-- your story also inspired me as it has taken me a long time to get the point of doing fost/adopt after going through 4 years of infertility and now that I have been "pushed" in this new direction and only starting the process I am starting to think that this is what I was always meant to do.

BrandyHagz-- I agree with you that you mostly hear the bad stories which can be very discouraging but I feel I should give it a shot. I hope to have a good experience and feel that if I do my share of the "work" and be my own advocate I can make this work for me and not against me. Time will tell.

I just found this site last night and feel like I will fit right in. I hope to get to know others on here and to learn a lot. Now that I have found all of you I will be around a lot more reading and posting to my heart's content.

CaFostAdopter (to-be)

[LotAkids]

Hi guys.......

I found all your posts very interesting and of course, everybody has a different experience or opinion. (that's what makes this forum so valuable.)
Anyway, just wanted to let you know what our experience was. We started our adoption journey in late February, this year. We handed in our paperwork and started the homestudy process. We did our fingerprints and classes, etc, thinking that we were just going to adopt a legally free older child from foster care. Seemed easy enough. In mid March, we got a call from our case worker that a seven month old boy needed immediate placement, but he wasn't legally free. (We had NO idea what that meant) She said are you willing to fost/adopt?? Of course we were! We were so niave. He was placed with us April 10th and we started the journey of court cases, bmother visits.....up to four a week sometimes!!! We had no idea what we were getting into.
Our caseworker kept saying, don't worry, don't worry, she's not getting him back. Of course, we DID worry....A LOT! Now he is 13 months old, the visits have stopped and his termination in next Wednesday. So, although we weren't intending to do things this way, we have made it through.....almost.....and it was worth it. I don't know if I'll take another legal risk again, but we can't wait to adopt again after his finalization in November.
Luckily for us, it did work out and he will become a permanent part of our family. Not to say that it wasn't nailbitingly difficult, but worth it. Just my two cents.
Liz

[LotAkids]

DianeS......

I remember reading that you were in Colorado and also wanting to do fost/adopt?? I think I'm remembering that right, if not correct me please......
We are also in Colorado, as you know, and I wondered where you were in your situation. Are you fostering? What kind of pictures has your caseworker painted as far as adopting?
Liz

[DianeS]

lizpappas, you're remembering correctly.

We're still waiting on one annoying document that my husband's employer's home office has to turn in before we can start the homestudy... been waiting for what feels like ages. They HAVE the doc, just don't feel like filling it out, I guess.

We will be looking for a straight-adoption situation, but are aware that judges here don't like to complete TPR until there is an adoptive family already waiting.

So we know to expect to have to foster-adopt, and that's what we'll officially be doing. Don't know how long we'd wait and look only for a situation really close to TPR before giving in and doing standard foster-to-maybe-adopt ... probably not long. I want children in my house *yesterday*.

But since we're interested in sibling groups of older children (age 2 to 8 or so), our chances are higher than most. We're not hoping for young children, so we could conceivably come in at the end of a child's journey rather than at the very beginning.

We've gotten statistics on the success of adopting one's foster children in our area. I don't have them in front of me but I'm remembering that those who are seeking a newborn have, on average, 5-6 placements before the child they are eventually able to adopt. The older or more difficult to place children give the foster-adopting parents better odds, going as low as 0-1 placements of teenager before the teen they're eventually able to adopt.

When you consider that we want elementary-aged children, that we're wanting a sibling group of 2-3 children, that we're primarially interested in boys, and that my personal foster care and adoption issues library is bigger than that section in most public libraries (ie we'd consider quite a range of "issues"), then I personally expect we'll have around 2 placements before the ones we'd be able to adopt. But that's my own assumption, and may or may not be correct!

I guess I feel safer assuming that we won't get to adopt the first group or two - it gives me a measure of control over my emotions. I'd love it if I were wrong and we got to keep the first group we had, but I'm expecting to have to live through having to send a group or two home, first. It's better to assume that.

The person who will be our caseworker as soon as we're at the point of actually being assigned one is pretty quiet on this issue.
All the research I have I've found through other avenues.

Does that make sense to you?

[LotAkids]

Yes, that does make sense to me. I'm curious what county you are working with. In Jefferson County, there are TONS of kids who meet your exact criteria, who are either in foster care waiting to go through TPR, or legally free kids. There is an over abundance of them.

We already have the sibling group picked out that we want, but our caseworker won't let us have them, even to FOSTER, until our first son's finalization. It makes me so mad to think that they are in need of a home, but they won't let us even foster them until November. What difference does it make that they are in our home as foster kids or as kids we would adopt?? It would just be one less move for them after they become legally free and less time in foster care. The system baffles me sometimes.

We fost/adopted our son from seven months, he's 13 months now, so I can't understand where adding a few more to the fold would matter much. They said they want him to have ample time to adjust. Adjust? He isn't an older child, so to speak, he doesn't have any memory of his foster care experience. We are the only family he's known.

We had to wait for an employer to get a document back too. Although we were just about done with our homestudy and it came in. I would keep bugging them about it.

I know you hear bad stories about fost/adopt, but I think it's great, and I know you will find the children that were meant to be with you. It's a bit nervewracking waiting for termination and everything to be done, but it's worth it.

Liz

[DianeS]

lizpappas,

I'm not willing to say what county I'm in... I've seen too many agencies get mad about people posting complaints and questions and stuff. I decided admitting my state was close enough without being too close. It'll stay a non-committal "my county" and "my agency" as long as it can!

I'm surprised your agency hasn't talked to you about the issues even newborn adoptees can have. You still may need that settling-in period even though he's been in your home so long already. Even children adopted as newborns can develop attachment problems. Children adopted as infants can often remember their previous families - although it is not a cognitive memory, rather a memory rooted in smells and sounds but a memory just the same.

Not allowing any more children in a home with a foster-adopt child who isn't finalized yet is fairly standard practice. Take the settling-in period and be glad for it. He's going to be your first adopted, and deserves the chance to bond solely with the two of you before you rush off to help new children who have more needs and problems than he does. He did experience abuse or neglect, as well as multiple caregivers, and he does need the extra one-on-one time to prevent problems further down the road.

OK, I'm off my soapbox now...you probably know all that and it was just your eagerness talking in your last post. My husband's employeer says we'll have our form in the standard 6-8 weeks, so as you can tell, I'm working hard on learning patience!

Good luck at your finalization!

[Darwin67]

I've read the posts, and like everyone who has written, we have a unique story, with a happy ending.

We went into the foster care system to specifically adopt. I didn't want to go overseas, and I certainly didn't want to help a local lawyer purchase his next mercedes....rather, I wanted to do something locally.

We weren't sure what we were getting into, but like most new parents we were just nervous as all get out. It took us about 6 months to go from the initial interview, to recieving our license. We geinuinely thought we would be recieving a toddler. The week we got our license, we got a call about a six week old girl. Well, the idea of a toddler boy hurtled out the window, and we embraced this little girl with all our hearts. It didn't take long for her to touch every heart she met. She was with us for about a month when the Roller Coaster began. Trust me, no engineer could physically design a coaster to do the things that birth parents and they system do to you on a nearly daily basis. Out of desperation, I can remember finding this forum to search out support, and I found plenty of it! No one but a fost adopt parent can understand the torment. We were faced every day with possbily losing this little girl, but we persevered. Our social worker always gave us words of encouragement (p.s., we went to a PRIVATE agency......instead of the state....that's my biggest recommendation to you!). At 15 months we still weren't sure. But, at 15.5 months, mom dropped off the face of the earth. She could fake it for a year, but not much longer, her life and habits finally caught up with her. Katie was placed with us in March 2002, and the mother's rights were terminated this month.

In that year, we also had another little girl placed with us...remember that toddler I thought we were going to get...well, we got her too. Her's was a riskier case, and one where I believed with all my heart would result in re-unification. It wasn't meant to be, the mother and father fought, but not hard enough, and did nothing to complete the services. Their rights were termineat in May and July.

I can't imagine life without these little girls. Even with the highs and lows, the tears and fitful nights without sleep, I would do it all over again...hands down. The adoptions should be complete by December. We will give our family a little time to get over this stressful year, and will then think about doing it all over again.

My best to you, and I hope you get a little faith, and courage to move forward with your plans to participate in the fost adopt program. Again, I HIGHLY recommend a private agency (we went through Lutheran Social Services in Washington), but found them to be really on top of their cases, and each of the case workers were fully there for us every step of the way.

Best of luck to you!!!!

~~K

[Allieloopy]

Our experience with Foster / Adopt was usually bad but ended well.

We became foster adopt parents about 6 years ago in the state of MI. We couldn't afford private adoption so we looked to the state. In the adoption orientation we attended the room was packed full of people. My husband and I and only one other couple were not foster parents. In the state of Michigan if you want younger kids or a younger sib group with no or few problems then foster care is just about the only way to go.

We signed up for foster/adopt with a private agency. It took a year for us to get our first placement. It was not an infant or toddler like we requested but after all that waiting we wanted to be parents. That was our first mistake. We started getting calls for all sorts of kids, mostly kids that had been removed from other foster homes.

We finally got a call for a baby and we had her for two months and they moved her to another county. Then we found out that the agency didn't even know we were foster adopt! They never check the folders when they call us. Giving our kids up was only the second time I ever saw my husband cry.

After 10 kids, two false allegations and a destroyed house we got to adopt our daughter who was placed with us when she was 2. She is 4 and her adoption was final this last Jan.

She is my heart but I still think about my lost kids all the time. Even the one that always beat me up!

The advice in this long story is, find out if the private agency is a good one. We didn't find out until after our adoption from a court worker that our agency is considered "bottom of the barrel." I don't know how to go about this, if anyone has info on Lutheran Social Services in MI or any other good agencies let me know!

Stick to your guns, if you want Caucasian infants with no health problems then only accept those placements. You will be waiting a lot longer for a placement though. And your chances are slimmer for adopting infants. I have seen many cases of the older kids being placed in foster homes but the Grandma or Aunt will take the baby. If you are able then accept minorities or special needs you might be called sooner.

Make sure the placement workers know you are out there. They have a looooong list for babies and you want them to keep you in mind. Once I started calling every month our placements went up.
Our daughter was an emergency placement that had just been moved from her second foster home and needed a place that night.

The courts are not consistant (at least in Michigan) and will not push for termination if the bio-parents have a good enough lawyer and know how to work the system. I had a little girl from 18 months till 4 years old and her mother signed away her older sibs and still got the little girl back. She has since been kicked out of her husbands house, evicted out of an apartment, has an alcholic babysit her child and various other things. But since she knows how to work the system she keeps her daughter. She even found a way to get a permenant Vicodin prescription so she can be legally stoned!

False allegations. NO ONE every told us about these. Every foster parent will get one sooner or later. Your chances are higher with older kids. I had a child lie and say I slapped his younger brother in the face and left a mark. Poor kid thought that if he got me in trouble he could go back home.
At the time I had social workers and therapists in my house weekly sometimes more and I still had to go through an investigation.
Suddenly the friendly people that had been working with me dissapeared and we were all alone. Even though the charges were unfounded they are still on our record and will be in our files forever.
During this your agency will not be your friend. Document everything, that is the only thing that saved us from losing our license and the child we were in the process of adopting.


Giving kids up.
Just be aware that to the agency this is a job and it should be to you too. The first goal is always reunification. It is not a fight between you and the bio parent, you have to be able to treat mentally unstable and sometimes aggressive people with respect.

You have to look at each placement as if they would go home. All the way up until the adoption is final. Since our agency was so poorly regarded we are going to try it again with Lutheran Social Services in Michigan, but I have been waiting for paperwork from them for over a month now.

Back on the rollercoaster! I am scared to death of having more allegations but we are going to insist on our age limit this time so that should help. Of course there is no way to get around the fact that we will lose kids again. But at least we can go into the situation with our eyes open.


It was not all bad, we got to love some great kids and got our daughter too.
You do get to be a parent and some kids hopefully will remember us as they go through their lives.

Good Luck!

Paula
(The space between the tears we cry, is the laughter that keeps up coming back for more...)

[sassafras]

I am probably going to be pretty unpopular but I feel like it's almost fraudulent to go into foster care knowing you are going to adopt and stop doing foster care. We were told if we wanted a younger child etc this was the way to go but decided not to because 1) we knew we did not want to continue foster care afte adoption and 2) I knew if I got attached and had to give the child back it would be a nightmare for us. We adopted thru the foster care system as adoptive parents and had a happy outcome!