[kalynn]

Hi, I'm really glad to have found a bulliten board for foster care adoption. I've been around on other adoption boards, but have found none specific to adoption from fostor care, and have often wanted to talk to others who adopted in a way similar to myself. My dd was adpopted at 1 1/2 from fostor care in Ontario. Our adoption anniversary is this week - we first met her 3 years ago on July 2. We brought her home on July 10 and finalized the adoption in May the next year. So, I'm not really which date we are supposed to celebrate, we usually just pick one date the first week of July as she isn't really old enough to figure it all out yet.

One thing that worries me about her is that she is super, super friendly. She is the only child. She gets plenty of attention at home, I work full time but my husband works shift work, so mostly one of us is with her all the time. She goes to a half day preschool program 3-4 mornings a week which she loves. We play with her a lot at home and take her out around other kids daily when possible.

However, she is almost to the embarassing point, you would think we don't give her any attention. She latches on to other families who give her any attention at all when out. She will leave us and go over and act like she is a part of their family. She will often choose families with numerous children, who are active, she seems to love that type of environment. She will come back to us, briefly to check in, but then as long as she is getting attention from the other family she will return to them.

She is very friendly to other kids and can always make a friend to play with in the park or wherever we are - younger or older it doesn't matter. She plays quite well with other children, though she can be directive if they let her. She has recently become almost obsessed with the neighbors and their two children. Whenever she hears one of the children outside she literally runs to go and talk to them. We have had to ban her from going over into their yard without permission from us, but she will run outside and interact through the fence or yell out the window if we prevent her from going outside.

She is also very interested in obtianing food and will hang around anyone who is eating to see if they will offer her something. She was overfed (but apparently well cared for) in her fostor home.

Sorry this got lengthy! But, I've been really wondering where the line of outgoing/social personality stops and some sort of attachment problem begins??? What does this sound like to others who have had experience with children adopted from fostor care? A part of her personality or a problem? I would really appreciate comments/advice.

BTW, she has never been very affectionate, especially with me. She does not like kisses (still), will not sit on your lap/be held for more than 30 seconds, but is generally very active anyway so it's hard to tell if she just can't sit still. I have to do horseplay with her in order to get a few kisses in.

Thanks, looking forward to this group.

Kalynn

[monroeman]

Hi. Hope that you find the support you need here and elsewhere. I agree that foster adoption support is generally not all it could be. We foster adopted our son when he was about two and a half years old, after having him in foster care for almost two years. He'll be four in August. We also have two older bio kids.

You get to chose which date you want to celebrate, or if you even want to celebrate an adoption date. There is nothing wrong with doing it, but we have chosen not to. This works for us. Every family is different so like I said, you just choose what works for you.

Attachment. The fact that she comes back and checks in with you is a good sign. During the first 14 to 18 months our son was with us he would go with just about anyone who would hold him. In fact, he learned some pretty good avoidance behaviors. If we had to correct him or hold him or just have him sit with us because of his behavior he would reach out for anyone walking by. He now has "normal" behavior where he stays with us and even gets clingy at times in new situations. Our son has a hard time sitting still also; he's a ball of energy. If you're really worried about the posibility of an attachment issue, talk to a professional. Your daughter's behavior does sound like there's something more than an outgoing personality going on, but I'm not sure it's specifically related to an attachment disorder.

Hope all goes well with you.

[lucyjoy]

A lot of what you've stated sounds like personality. She does come back and check on you after she latches on to people(mine would forget I was there). Also, she sounds like she's latching more to kids then adults. Unattached kids would want adult attention all to themselves.

There are a few attachment issues that you probably should address. Food issues are a problem usually more from going unfed then being overfed. I kept lots of crunchy vegitables around until my children got past this.

Also, the next thing is the lack of affection on YOUR terms. Rocking and cuddling for 15 to 20 minutes a day can be very helpful. Also massage for infants and toddlers can be useful.

[Lorraine123]

My daughter has been been with us for 2 weeks now. She is 6. I have often wondered the same thing - does she have a very outgoing personality or is it RAD. She is diagnosed with RAD while in foster care, and maybe it was wishful thinking on my part. I kept hoping she was just outgoing. The more we interact with her, we see the RAD. She will talk to absolutely anyone, and can charm the pants right off them! All of our family and friends are totally in love with her, because she saves the negative behavior for home. She will check in with us, but she would go with anyone who looks fun at the time. She also "loves" everyone. On the other hand, she has great eye contact with us, is very cuddly even on our terms. But, as soon as any contact becomes too intimate for her, she goes into a rage. She is in therapy with an attachment therapist and that is the best thing we have done. I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in this disorder. She has pointed out many things that we wouldn't see and she has given us many ideas on helping build the bond. Of course, our daughter doesn't like the therapy because it moves her into that uncomfortable zone of being close.

[Judilyn]

It sounds like your daughter is just a very outgoing person. She is very extroverted and will love being around crowds of people, the more the better. My daughter, (actaully both of my daughters) are the same way, my son is more like me, an introvert.) Anyway, I used to worry about RAD with my adopted daughter but I do not anymore, I do however question the whole food issue with her.

Why do some kids do this? She does it all the time. She will mooch food from anyone who has it. (especially sugar)And she knows that we do not approve of this behavior so she will sneak around doing it. At family gatherings she eats until she gets a stomach ache. She is not fat and she is very active.

Her bmom was a diabetic (came on in childhood) so this behavior of hers concerns me. I was once told by her SW when she was in Foster Care that this behavior has come from going without food, even though she can't remember going hungry, those awful memories are still frozen in her mind somewhere. (I am not sure how reliable this theory is). Her older brother lived with us for awhile and he was big on stealing and hiding food. But ,he can remember all the times he went hungry.


Judilyn

PS/ Welcome to the forum!

[datazmom]

I dont know much about RAD but I do know that only children crave companionship from other kids and sometimes will find families with other kids to just "hang out " with . I have 4 Bchildren of my own and a Godson who was an only child . Josh was always at our house and said it was because we had brothers and sisters that he loved to be there . We did not have a problem with that and Josh became a member of the family and went on all our family trips and vacations with us. His mom was a single parent and he was a wonderful boy. He is turning 21 this month and is in the Navy. He was home this summer for a short leave and spent most of the time with us at the lake and fam cookouts and such. I love Josh as if he were one of my children and we went to all his school functions with him as if he were. I dont know what my life would have been like without him and dont want to know .
We are adopting our 2 nieces through the foster system and they would hide or hord food. I know it is part of the fact that they were not fed and were severly neglected til they came to live with us . At first I wondered was it that I was not giving them enough on their dinner plates and then talked to an counselor . That is when I found out that they were suffering from a post tramatic stress disorder and they were set up in therapy . Now they still like to hide candy but that is "normal" . The food hidden in the room has pretty much stopped . The candy is not a big issue for us and they dont hide alot or all the time . If you have a problem with food hiding or hording talk to a counselor or therapist and decide with them if it is a problem or just a phase . Kids , even "normal" kids often go through that phase and grow out of it almost as fast as they got into it .