[miarra]

My 17 month old foster child's caseworker has written up the TPR for bio mom. We went to court(first appearence), they are going to offer bio mom the option of a conditional surrender. This would give bio mom one visit every three months. I am not thrilled with this arrangement, if she agrees to it, but if that's the only way to adopt her than so be it. Anyway, I'm looking for some suggestions as to what she might call bio mom after the adoption. Would she call her by her first name, mommy 2, aunt? I am momma to her and don't want to confuse her. But she is her bio mom. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you,

[SonianJasonW]

Hello!!!

My fost/adopt son calls his bio mom "momma(first name)" to distiguish between me and his bio mom. He seems to understand and it seems to be working.

Hope this helps.

[mckenna]

my 2y/o foster son who i am in the process of adopting does not see his bmom very often. we have pictures of her and he knows her by her first name which is how she prefers it. she voluntarily surrendered her rights but the fact that we are trying for an open adoption has nothing to do with that. that was my decision as to whether or not i would consent to that. i am very much in favor of an open relationship but birth fam does not see my son as often as i would like. i guess at this stage, it is what they can handle.

[ketingle]

My cousin's daughter calls her Momma Joan and her adoptive mom, Mom or Momma. The little girl has grown into a wonderful highschool student who knows who she is, where she came from, has all her questions answered, and is a special, sweet person. She is very matter-of-fact about her background, and I think that being allowed to call her birth mom Mom also was one of the many things that helped her grow up so unconfused. My two cents anyway.

[kmalay]

Using Mom or Mamma (first name) is very typical. The amom is usually Mom. I can understand your concern about having the open adoption, but I will share this with you. We are in the process of adopting two boys(we have not met them yet) we are waiting for the TPR to happen, we are figuring the parents are going to fight it all the way, but dad isn't really an issue due to past history. Mom could be, but they are thinking that if we are willing to maintain contact through the agency then maybe she would voluntarily tpr. I was fine with this and actually until I read the file I would have offered visits, but after what I read I doubt it would ever be safe to do that. What you have to realize and it is hard with state adoptions to think in these terms is that in many ways it can be best for the children to maintain some contact. I know for my boys even though they are starting to drift away from their parents because it has been so long since they were taken away they still worry about their parents. Down the road it may be good for them to have some contact. Just make sure it is safe. In our case it would not be appropriate to let them know what city we live in etc...... It is sad, but that is the way it is. I wish you the best and keep us posted. I am interested to see if she agrees to it since we will be facing the same thing in the next 6 weeks.

[Judilyn]

At first she called me momma 2 and her bmom momma1. But you know she did not really see her bmom much, bmom was leading a very mixed up life for a long time. After a while I became Momma 1 and Bmom, Momma 2. She made this switch on her own with no prompting from us. Now she has dropped the momma 1 or 2 thing all together. she is now 8 and I am just MoM she refers to her bmom as Mommy Rose.

[monroeman]

Sounds like everyone else has given you some good advice on your question, so I'm going somewhere else with this. I really don't get how a State agency can offer a conditional surrender. I wasn't aware that there is plea bargaining with TPR. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me. Adoptive parents and birth parents set up post-adoption boundaries, not the State. How can they enforce or monitor it? I believe that I would some choice thoughts to share with the caseworker or AG who came up with that idea. Either they have a case for TPR or they don't. I would think that this would be very frustrating for you. We foster adopted, and I can at least somewhat empathize with your situation. I hope this works out for the best.

[kmalay]

What you are saying is very true, but if the aparent is willing to more or less agree to some type of contact they will use it to discuss voluntarily surrendering rights. My attorney told me that I would not be bound by it though so in the end it is up to me, but what it really should come down to is is it in the best interest of the child. I believe that it will be so i am willing to keep some contact going. If the parents abuse it then they lose that too.

[trunks888]

kmalay
made some good points I agree.

[monroeman]

A conditional surrender may be valid if the agreement is made with all parties involved (bparents, aparents, State), and if the bparents know that they can get the carpet pulled out from under them at any time.

If I am reading things right, it sounds like Miarra is not okay with the arrangement, and only she and those involved with the case can say whether or not it would be in the child's best interest. Someone is getting set up for a lot of frustration in this deal: bmom, amom, or both. By the way, I do believe that there can never be too many people to love a child, and if it is safe and appropriate then it's great to keep contact with the birth family. You just don't see many safe and appropriate bparents when dealing with TPR. Brelatives, yes. But that's another issue.

You have the best info for your case and already know that agreeing to contact in the near future is not an option. I have to admit that you're braver than me if you agree to any kind of specific contact somewhere out in the future. Leaving the option open seems reasonable, but it would be hard for me to make any specific agreements not knowing what my son's feelings will be or what road the bparents will choose. Maybe we're on the same page here?

Anyway, I still think it is nuts for the State to offer a conditional surrender when they can't guarantee the terms of the surrender. I don't think it's fair to anyone involved. Any kind of conditions should be between the aparents and the bparents, without state involvement.

[kmalay]

What you say is valid, I think you have to take all the information into consideration. The way we are willing to work with it is through the agency. We would start off with letters and photos that I would send to the agency and they would pass them on. We could set up visits that way too. Maybe once or twice a year with the agency hosting it. With that being said, it helps then to have the state's involvement so that you can do that and not have private information let out, but again it really depends on the children. If the child is having issues with it then it shouldn't occure, but you also have to remember that many times the children worry about their parents and what is happening with them. As stated you just need to look at all the info. As to the bmom she needs to think about the best interest of that child and possibly what is in her best interest. If she is going to have a TPR done she may want to look at the situation and see what could be arranged, in our case we are hoping that bmom will realize she either gets some update on the boys and maybe a visit a couple of time or she can fight it and never see the kids again. They will do what they decide. It isn't for everyone and overall everyone has to feel right about it or there will be problems.