[HBV]

OK, some of you know our story. H's birthmother, who is pretty seriously developmentally disabled (around 12/13 in her affect) gave birth earlier this week. The story is a long one, but the end result is that she is going to try to parent. She lives w/ her parents, both of whom work--they are not planning to take off any significant time, so she'll be on her own w/a newborn this week. She has never done any babysitting, I do not ever leave her alone w/ H, and she knows very little about babies or their care. (I realize that none of us probably did going into this, but this is a little different)

Our nanny has very kindly offered to go over for a couple of days and help her with some basics. I KNOW it is not my responsibility, but I am pretty concerned about the safety and welfare of this child in this situation, as is the SW who worked with us on H's adoption. Should I take nanny up on her offer to go help w/ H's sister for a day or two? (I will not let H go in their house---serious cleanliness and safety issues) I know it's not a permanent solution, but it seems to be about all I can do right now---other than buying her stuff.

What do you all think?

[loveajax]

Honestly, H, I probably would not ....hard to pinpoint why, but I think this is something that DS' birth mom and her family should be figuring out on their own if that makes sense.

But I know you are concerned and I guess it certainly can't "hurt" to offer and see what they say?

[taramayrn]

Personally I would say no. I understand your concerns.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would. A mother who gave birth at our old church who was very young also had parents that had to return to work shortly after the birth of her son. I, along with a few others who could spare some time and knowledge and patience, took turns for a few weeks taking over meals and just "checking in."

That said, my church family is delivering meals to us for a full two weeks after Parker is born. If you feel uncomfortable "GOING," could you at least send fully-prepared meals so that you're offering assistance and sustenance without "stepping on toes?"

[taramayrn]

I guess my concern is that they would be somewhat offended, I don't know, like you thought they couldn't manage?

[HBV]

Tara, I get where you are coming from, but I'm not that worried about them being offended (maybe I should be, but I'm not) because we had too many conversations during this process about how they did not believe M was ready to parent. They've also turned to us repeatedly for help w/ sorting through the legal issues in this, so I kind of feel like our interests are aligned. I really think if I do it, they will understand that it is only out of a desire to help M and the baby, not to interfere.

I think also that the family is resigned to the situation somewhat, and that the resignation is mixed with the joy that a new baby brings, as well as the stress that this puts on them financially and emotionally. The bdad's family is not helping matters. At all.

I have a bunch of stuff in the car to take to her (some baby equipment that H has outgrown, some new things for the baby) but I just have not been able to bring myself to go over there yet. I need a pep talk.

[DianeS]

I think I'd start by doing exactly the same for her as I would for a close friend who just had a baby - I'd prepare a good meal with enough leftovers for freezing, I'd call to say I was on my way, and I'd show up with it.

And it would be perfectly fine for the nanny to do that instead of you, by the way.

From there I'd hold the baby, coo, and offer some of the stuff I have at home that the new mom hadn't "gotten around" to buying yet. Not a lot, maybe a tubful of things that could be used right away.

I'd also offer to hold the baby for a while so mom could take a shower. If I were comfortable, I'd offer to sit while mom took a 30-minute nap. If I saw something obvious that needed attention I'd remind my friend that her job right now is baby care, and I'd try to do whatever needed done. (Although if the house is a total wreck that might be hard - maybe look for something directly related to baby, like used diapers that need taken to the curb, bottles that need washed, that sort of thing.)

I'd inquire about the baby's next doctor's appointment. I'd ask how much she's eating now. I'd commiserate about how many diapers a newborn uses in a day, and how often they spit up and need a clothing change. I'd ask how mom is adjusting, and if she has any problems she'd like a sympathetic ear to hear. In short, keep an ear open to any real problems that might need addressed.

Then I'd leave, and tell the new mom what day I'll be back with another meal and the stuff I promised. Two or three days later is good for a friend, you could play that by ear for this situation. And if you and the nanny alternated days, you could put off any feeling of being overwhelmed by the need, while still being helpful.

I know the situation you'll find is going to be different from the normal "happy" situation where you can spend 20 minutes chatting, 2 minutes taking out a load of garbage as a favor, 1 minute getting thanked for the meal I brought, and a lot of time cooing over a beautiful baby. But the basic idea is the same, and I'd try not to let myself get psyched out at the differences.

{{HUGS}} I know this will be difficult for you.

[taramayrn]

Hey HBV - it wasn't the grandparents that I was worried about - it was mom who might be offended and thinking you didn't think she could take care of a baby, you know?

Go over there. She will be thrilled to see you and to see all the goodies you've brought her. You need to get your baby fix too right??

[HBV]

OK, I've made the offer through her mom via e-mail (pretty regular method of communication, so not weird) and I am going over w/ some stuff today at lunchtime.

I also had to take H to the ped this morning for the 2nd half of his flu shot, and gave the ped a heads up (they chose the same ped we did when everyone was still hopeful we could work out the placement)
He's concerned also---knew EXACTLY who I was talking about.

I do feel slightly better that her dad worked things out to be home w/ her and the baby this week, so she's not on her own just yet.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone.

[loveajax]

How did it go, HBV? Thinking of you guys...

[HBV]

OK, I guess. She was glad to see me, she looked pretty good, and the baby was OK. House was still pretty awful (and I don't mean messy or cluttered) Her dad was there, said she was doing OK getting up, but the baby was also sleeping 6 hours at a stretch during the night.

She was receptive to the nanny idea---I think she is a little scared of being alone w/ baby.

[loveajax]

I am glad you went and she was receptive...It sounds like it was hard, though...I hope you are doing OK.

[HBV]

It was and it wasn't. I always sort of dread going over there. Usually we do visits at our house or in public. I talked to Nanny last night and we decided that if M takes us up on the offer, Nanny will go get her and bring her to our house for the basics. I have pet peeves w/ Nanny occasionally, but I have to say, I think she's been very generous and caring in her offers to help. She even asked yesterday if I thought maybe they would agree to bring the baby to our house for daycare, because she'd be happy to do it. I don't think we can go that far, though.

I am so sad for the bmom's whole family---the bdad's family is being SO difficult. And they've not come to see the child at all. They're all about "rights" and not in the least concerned w/ responsibility. M's dad told me yesterday about the last conversation he'd had w/ them when he tried, once more, to convince them that the best thing for the baby would be the placement w/ us.

I think what makes this so hard is that I have a guilt hangover about not being willing to take on the legal risk (I feel confident we would have won in the end, but we just couldn't face it again after the tribal deal w/ H.) I know that I shouldn't, and I know we made the right decision for OUR family, but I can't help but feel that we've let the child down. I'm trying to find my balance between helping because it is the right thing to do to help the child and helping because I am suffering misplaced guilt.

Thanks again to all of you (especially you, Love!) for the great support. Really.