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Old 10-19-2006, 01:34 PM
CalandraLark CalandraLark is offline
Internationally Minded
Join Date: Oct 2006
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I don't think it's entirely (not exactly ethical, but pure motivation) the way people request only girls just because they think girls are "easier" (on a side issue this is usually because of the increasing discrimination against males in general) but wanting to have both is not a unethical at all.

My grandparents adopted a boy after having four girls because they wanted both, although many people irritated them with the assuption that they would have rathered to have boys to begin with. If that had been their motivation it would have anoyed me, but wanting to have boy in addition to girls or visa versa is great, while "just wanting a boy/girl" or "prefering to have one gender over the other" is deffinately not in my opinion. Of course I really want boys, but not over girls, I just don't want to only have girls since I never had the oportunity to experience brothers and I think I'd love having boys.

If people have a preference it should be based on reasons that relate to both the parent's good and the children's (all of them) , not preference for preference of gender's sake. So long as anyone has double checked their true motivation for selfishness , preference is a great thing.
TCK"s or Third Culture Kids are difined as "[A] person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents' culture. The third culture kid builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the third culture kid's life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of the same background."

How being a TCK relates to my desire to adopt some day: I grew up an international child, and while the walls between country and race mean less to me than most, I grew up with an understanding of the influence of clashing cultures that is hard to explain to someone who exists in solely one culture. God has given me the gift of experiences to fuel my desire for international adoption and to understand an internationally adopted child's world.
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Old 10-19-2006, 03:33 PM
Anne5's Avatar
Anne5 Anne5 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally Posted by Bogie
I feel pretty strongly that I need to allow God to be in control of circumstances - and then respond to the circumstances that come. If you specify, are you trying to put a limit on what God can do with your family? Have you prayed about it and truly feel that God wants you to have a girl? God will bring the child He has planned for you, as long as you continue to seek His will. Continue to pray for guidance.


Back in 2003 I shared that we had put in our request for a girl. It is interesting because we also decided that God would show us the way either way but we were pretty much clear that at the time it was a girl for us for reasons that were not gender biased but simply something that appeared to be the best thing for all at the time.

Well now we are adopting a boy! God seemed to weight in and we were given a boy when they told us the child would be a girl that was brought to us (long story). It was a mix up and we are very happy with it. So I say do follow your heart for the reasons you feel are right but accept in the end where it is you are meant to be!

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Old 10-19-2006, 03:50 PM
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kelceesmom kelceesmom is offline
What's next?????????

Join Date: Mar 2006
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I don't think it is a bad thing to request a gender. It might make your wait time longer. And look at this way God has a sense of humor. You might want a girl get presented with twins one of each!!!

Signed with Facilitator 10/04
Matched with bparents 01/05
Born 05/13/05 and home with us 05/16/05
Finalized 04/26/06

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Old 11-09-2006, 01:02 PM
treefroggy8 treefroggy8 is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2003
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I had this same exact dilemma and lost many nights' sleep over exactly what you are going through. In the end I decided to go with what I felt - I sat down and imagined a photo of our family and in that photo I saw a little girl. It was the same situation where I wanted to leave it open but the agency said if I did I was choosing a boy. I felt so bad for the boys b/c like you I love having my little boy (who is not so little, turning 7 I am sad to say!)....but in the end I feel that God will bless you for doing what you feel is best and right. He will only send you what He feels you should my theory was that if I said I was open and a boy came along then that was what He wanted and that is how I got my son. But this is different. I think as an adoptive parent since you have two boys it is ok to say you would like a girl now. I really don't think there is a way to "leave it open" as one person says b/c you know you will have a boy so you are forced to pick ONE or the OTHER.
I pray for your peace in this decision. I found peace in mine and I know you will do what is right.
Adoptive Single Mother to Elliott the joy of my life (3/00)
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Old 06-15-2007, 10:49 PM
Butterfly26 Butterfly26 is offline
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Smile Your the mom

GOD PUT that desire in your heart for a reason. If he really wants you to have all boys, you will have ALL boys, but there's no reason you shouldn't speak your feelings and see what happens. ~Heather
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Old 06-16-2007, 03:46 AM
jaenelle jaenelle is offline
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Originally Posted by Sharon
I don't see why not.
I think it's ironic that some individuals (and even agencies) make potential adoptive parents feel guilty about preferring one gender to another, while at the same time it's considered entirely acceptable to specify the RACE of child you wish to adopt.
JMO, ~ Sharon

This IS really weird. You're allowed to choose all sorts of other things -- medical, race, etc. so why not gender? Don't feel guilty. Do what is in your heart.
Kati (31)
WONDERFUL Husband Vince (29)
BEAUTIFUL Daughter Yuna (signed with agency 7-06, born 10-06, finalized 4-07)

April '09 -- Starting research into adopting from foster care
MAPP Classes: May 5 - July 7
June '09 -- Quit MAPP classes, adoption plans on hold while deciding if Haiti might be right for us in a few years, once DH finishes college.
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Old 06-16-2007, 07:00 AM
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Leigh131313 Leigh131313 is offline
Denny Crane

Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,086
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I can understand why an agency would suggest you NOT select the sex.

For one, alot of emom's don't know the sex - so this would automatically prevent you from being matched with them.

And also - I have had 2 friends this past year have babies that were boys after being TOLD they were girls from an ultrasound. So what if this happens to an emom who is matched with someone who specified sex?

Unless the babies are already born, there are no guaruntees.
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Old 06-28-2007, 04:25 AM
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Shai's Mom Shai's Mom is offline
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I have one bio daughter. So, when DH and I made the decision to adopt, we asked for a little girl. After all, I already raised one daughter and knew what to do with a girl.

So, we wound up with two totally amazing little boys.

Who knows maybe there is a little girl out there for me. But, if we will get another boy, who am I to argue?
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Old 12-12-2007, 01:28 PM
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adopting_again adopting_again is offline
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We did not specify gender for our first adoption. There were 3 families waiting on a girl, we would be fourth in line, one family was waiting on an unknown until birth (I guess the whole ultrasounds can be wrong issue), and then us, we didn't care as we knew we would adopt again. We have a bio. son. It wasn't a matter of ethics, so much as we knew we'd have other opportunities to get a girl if that one was a boy (she was shockingly a girl). I think you need to go with your gut. If you feel you'll be disappointed if you get a boy, you need to be able to be overjoyed instead. We, as infertile couples, deal with so much heartache, it can be one way to see that as a blessing. We have far more choices than any pregnant woman-what we accept, don't accept. Now, granted, when you're pregnant, many of those things are our decisions anyway (drugs, drinking, choice of partner in many cases), but it's not a horrible thing to have desires. Remember, God gives us those desires and wants us to ask for them.

2/14/08 K born
2/16/08 K Placed with us
2/21/08 K's bmom decides to parent-Adoption Disrupted

3/27/08 Matched again
4/23/08 Jason born
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Old 12-12-2007, 01:34 PM
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bajj bajj is offline
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Just thought I'd let you guys know, the OP posted this in 2003 and has not visited the site since 2004.
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Old 01-19-2011, 11:58 PM
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hopefulandwatching hopefulandwatching is offline
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I am just glad to hear that we canspecify gender...I have FOUR sons...and I would love to adopt a little girl...right now the issue between dh and I is age...he is older than I am and does not want to start with a newborn...I'm just trusting God that we will end up with the child that He intends for us...but, given my strong desire for a daughter...I'm guessing, either way, it's a girl! =) It will be wonderful to have the little girl that God has put on your heart! Many Blessings on the new adventure!
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Old 06-17-2011, 12:08 AM
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wendy_bird23 wendy_bird23 is offline
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I'd say it's perfectly OK for you to request a girl. IMHO making choices is not going against God's plan, it's how God lets you be part of his divine plan. If he didn't want you to have choices he wouldn't give them to you. Maybe the desire you are feeling in your heart is God's way of telling you there is a little girl out there that you are meant to raise. I'm sure you make lots of other important choices in your life without worrying that you are stepping on God's toes so to speak by choosing for yourself what you believe is best. I wouldn't let this be any different.
Current Placements:
"Squeak" born April 2012, delivered to my door at 2am one rainy night in October 2012
"Minnow" home from the hospital early October 2013 at 8 days old

Former placements:
Siblings "Star" age 8 and "Clam" age 5 -Weekend Respite January 2014
Siblings "Twinkle" born Oct 2009 and "Pudding" born May 2011 arrived at my home Aug 1 2013, moved to grandparents 5 days later
"Teeny" born July 2011 delivered to my door at 3 days old, RUed 20 months later in March 2013
"Big Sister" 6 and "Little Brother" 3 -emergency placement 8/3/12-8/6/12

"Do all the good you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can."
-John Wesley
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