[Ohio adad]

Hello,

My wife and I recently suffered a failed adoption.

The whole situation seemed to be falling into to place. The birth father was involved, and looking to adoption as a positive choice. His parents were in favor. The young lady was 14 and saw adoption as her option after deciding against abortion. She was looking to the future. Unfortunately the girl was under temendous pressure from her own family. Everyone wanted her to keep the child. We knew what the situation was before We met the bparents, and decided that we would press forward.

We met several times, and things seemed to go well. We were even introduced as the adoptive parents. We believe then that the child was born, and the young lady was pressured into "saving" her family. We believed the bmom's father threatened to divorce bmom's mother. What a choice to make for a 14yr old. We dont fault her for this choice. We hope it proves to be the right one.

From the first day we met the counselors, we prayed that this baby be the right baby for us, and if it wasnt then God would "dismantle" the adoption at the appropriate time. So even though the situation seemed right to us, God had a different plan and we are grateful that he helped K to not only choose life, but also find the courage to parent.

It WAS a great disapoinment. We waited to the last moment to get a crib, and other necessities only to find out about the decision. Now that room seems empty, and we feel like we already knew the baby. Its funny to have a hole in your heart from someone you have never met. We have prayed for the right situation, and for the courage to press on to someday be parents. We try to figure out what lessons we need to have learned, and which ones we will need for the next one.

Would love to hear from successful, or similiar situations!

[Carolina Mommy]

Dear Hopeful...

My heart breaks for you both. I now how you feel times two and it doesn't make it easier.

God hears our prayers and I will be adding you to my prayer tonight. Please believe me that when the God Planned baby comes along you will know it and the feeling will be more wonderful than you could ever imagine. That is what has kept us going.

We adopted in 1999, a boy. The since 2001 we've had two failed and now have another birthmother. So, we'll see how this one goes.

Just remember tha adoption is ablout finding a family for a baby, not the opposite. You two will soon look back on this failure and say, so this is why we had to endure pain and heartache.

Good luck!

Kim

[SomeBunniesMom]

Kim is right. At some point, the painful experience will make sense. I am also sorry to hear of your loss. I have experienced both pregnancy loss and adoption loss, and as incomprehensible as the pregnancy losses were to me, I think the adoption losses were even harder to come to terms with. You do indeed miss the person that you thought was going to be such a big part of your life. You may experience very classic symptoms of grieving, but be assured that this is normal and very healthy. Be sure to be kind to yourselves and allow yourself a little time to grieve what is definitely a loss as real as that of any loved one.

Many people find it helpful to make some kind of gesture in memory of the loss, such as planting a small garden or a tree or bush. When my husband and I decided to end the infertility treatments and put the past to rest, and try living life as a "child-free" family, we planted a tree and dedicated it to all the children that didn't get to be with us in this life. It gave us a lot of comfort and closure, and felt right.

A year and a half later, through a series of incredible miracles, we became the parents of twin girls through international adoption.