[Cherie Heart]

We had a boy for 10 months.His behavior was so bad we took him to be evaluated.Our life was under major stress with both of us having a parent who was terminal.The social worker forced us into a hasty decision to give him up so he could get "better treatment " faster.She manipulated us and we don't know why.But he's gone and I ache for him every day.We have no word on how he is doing.How can we think of taking him back when we have no information? Something is so wrong with the system.I am thinking of leaving my husband because he was so resistant to trying again to turning around and bringing him back.Yes, there are valid reasons - like he lost his job and his father needed so much care.But his father died and we still have income. I wanted a child for so long.Our age and my health don't make us candidates of first choice for agencies.But we still have so much to offer.Or we would have if I stay. Frankly as my hope weakens,all I want to do is die.My mother is ill.I am trying to outlast her but I am losing my caring about that as well.I want a child to keep and watch grow or life is worth nothing to me. Nothing.AND POOR MIKE HE NEEDED A HOME EVEN IF HE HALFWAY DIDN'T WANT IT.HE'S SO MIXED UP.HE NEEDS LOVE EVEN IF WE CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER.The poor kid. He has had so much pain.It's not fair to any of us -all that happened.ITs a mess and I get no help from anyone and little sympathy.People say things like"It's not like he was your real child."and our pastor told my husband to cut his losses- really a kind thing for a Christian to say. Will anyone understand my pain? Mike's pain? The miserable situation?

[organicmommy]

I can definatly feel your pain. It is sad that this had to happen adn it doesn't matter if it was a biological child or not, he was "your child". As far as leaving your husband, I dont' think that will help you get through this situation. You both need each other for support and not having a will to survive does not make you a good canidate for adoption. YOu need to see your doctor and take care of the depression issues that are going on. I think you will be a great mother/father when this is all resolved. You need to remember that you will have other chances, and keep yourself going. I know that it can be hard, but we all have to be strong people in order to help these children that need us all so badly. I hope that things get better for you.

[Dianna]

My heart goes out to you. You are definitely not alone. This has happened in various scenarios to many, many other people. Check out the special needs forums. It sounds like a combination of maximum-stress life events happened at the same time period, with very difficult results.

Our family started to fall apart after a failed adoption. I started in counseling before it happened, and it was a life saver. I was as depressed as you, and have come back to a good life and hopeful outlook.

Do not abandon your marriage until you have recovered from these events. The death of a parent and the loss of a child both put you in a state where you should not make life changing decisions. You both need to recover from these events before you tackle the other issues.

I waited two years, after our loss and worked on our devastated marriage during that time. It took that long before my husband was willing to consider adoption again. He said he never would but he did. Things are better than ever now. It is hard to believe when you are down, but you will be ok and your life will work out. Have faith and take it one day at a time. God Bless.

[Cherie Heart]

Thank you for your responses.it's very complicated.I've seen my doctor.I've tried depression groups.Our pastor did not help.We went to a grief group.My husband won't go to couples' counseling.
I was married years ago and lost a child then.This is all deja vu to me.
As I said our age and circumstances are such- we won't get a second chance.Mike was it. So there is no hope but God's intevention and He's not working fast enough or visibly enough for me to hold on.
These posts and prayers are all I've got left but it won't last much longer. I'm tired of being strong and trying to be postive or even nueutral.

[Linny]

My husband and I adopted our first two babies overseas while he was in the military. We lived overseas. We felt so lucky to have two babies.

Years later, we researched and decided it was time to adopt again...something I didn't think I'd do again, as I thought we would always only have two kids. We went "older adoption'. We were vulnerable. We were 'green'. We were excited when a little boy of almost seven was presented to us. We accepted....though I had huge doubts from the first meeting. He just didn't seem 'right'. How would I know that four years later, after being adopted and living in our home, he would have such dangerous behaviors that he would have to live in a residential home?
I practically 'shuttered' from just being around him. He tried to drown our youngest child at the time (as we proceeded to adopt two more children).....and I watched---disbelieving. We had tried every conceivable therapy known....including holding therapy with an attachment therapist. Four years we tried with this young boy. I considered myself 'so well versed' in dealing with special needs!!!! After all, I had taught in a behavior disordered school.....I had majored in psychology.......etc. I kept saying, "Shouldn't I have KNOWN?!?!?!"

Though living with him was absolutely horrible.........I could not understand WHY he could not attach. WHY he didn't care about ANYTHING......WHY he had no remorse for any living thing on this planet.

Time and again, I planned out in my mind how wonderful it would be to leave my husband and ' just drive'. I thought.....'to just drive as far away from this nightmare as possible, and not think about it for the rest of my life' We had had two successful adoptions.....then we had also two more successful adoptions.....WHY couldn't this ONE boy work????? I considered 'doing away with myself'.....for surely there were people who did not understand. They gave comments and looks pointing to the idea that it surely was OUR family's fault that he just couldn't 'make it'.

My husband and I both said we would probably never adopt again. After all, WHY would anyone ever put themselves through this again? Why would anyone take this kind of risk?!?!? We were in our late thirties, early forties when this all ended. It seemed that there was absolutely NO END in SIGHT!

I had the support of our attachment therapist. I talked with her many times......I could not stand anti-depressants---which I first started taking while this child was still living in our home.

I was always the 'strong one'......the one who could 'take anything'....and now my dream to have more children was going to end 'LIKE THIS!?!?!?"

That was over three years ago. I can tell you that I prayed a lot. I got mad at the Lord a lot. I told him so. And over that 'three years'..........those years I thought we might never adopt again.......we decided to adopt an infant again. We felt we could never adopt 'older kids' again........but could we afford an infant? Could I have it in me.......I mean, we were in our mid-forties now! But....we adopted another baby.

Yes. We adopted. We have since found out that the 'lovely system' did not disclose all the info to us...and now that we have the actual paperwork (which we obtained through an attorney).....we realize this child had NO BUSINESS in our home in the first place. He should have been in a home with no other children.......was a 'high risk' child beyond belief......was severely mentally ill even at age four...enough to have been placed in a psych ward for over one month.

So you see.........we did try. It wasn't 'fair'.......it damaged our marriage, the relationships with our other children (for they were actually hurt and threatened during his 'stay' with us)......and there are still remnants of the damage he did.....but we are all SO much better.

There IS light at the end of this tunnel you are in now. I am living proof of it. My marriage is living proof of it. The baby that sleeps in my home now, is living proof of this.

This child was NOT your last chance. If someone is telling you this......I would NOT believe it. There are other agencies, soooo many children.....so many different ways to adopt these children....and you WILL get better....little by little.

Please feel free to private message me. I suppose this post is wayyyyyy too long.....but I could see some of myself, a few years back, in your posting today.

Please continue to find strength in 'talking' to us here. Many of us have been where you are....and we have come out stronger and wiser. And.....we have gone on to adopt again.


Most sincerely,


Linny

[Cherie Heart]

Thank you and I can empathize with you.How hard and horrible for you.We did some of those therapies,too.He just wasn't sufficiently treated for the main problem- incest with his birthmother.No wonder we had problems- his first bond was horribly distorted.But you were much younger.I'm over 50 now and my husband is older.We were told unless we had a lot of money- we couldn't get a baby.Plus, I have a chronic illness,although I was functioning the whole time he was here and making it.It was hard but I made it..When I say he was the only option that's the truth.Our agency has dropped us- no contact for months.
I keep coming back to my need to be a parent.No child=no wothwhile life to me.I don't see how to get beyond it and my husband is becoming more and more irrevelvent in the issue. I don't have anything left over to put toward feelings for him.It's sad but its true.

[Stephanie18]

I'm sorry to be blunt but it seems to me that you have way to many emotional issues going on to be even considering adoption. You should probably try to get some counseling for you own issues before trying to take on some more. Thinking that a life without a child is worthless is pretty desperate. A child is not a thing to fill a void in your life. When you have taken care of yourself then it's possible to take care of someone else. I hope things get better for you.

[Cherie Heart]

Perhaps I wasn't clear.The dying parents and job loss came into our lives months after we had Mike placed with us.We had gone to months of classes ,bought a new home in a better school district, gone over hundreds of children's biographies trying to find the right child, and maximized our lives for success with a child.Two doctors okayed my health status for parenting. Unless you have waited and planned and saved for years for a child and taken treatments to get healthier- how can you begin judge me? I knew I could do it.I was doing the stuff right up to the end.Iwent to his class once week to help with the other kids.Iwas at nearly every practice and sport event- except for churhc meeting.We were reading to him every night.Doing family activies on weekends.
Children are not things to me; the are wonderful developing people and I wanted to invest my gifts and time etc into one.I have hobbies and pets, a child was not a time filler.Do you think he is better of in a foster care system that moves kids around so they aren't secure? He knew we loved him but not his behavior which we still don't know if he could control or not.
You are at best thoughtless and at worst cruel to judge me that way.This is supposed to be a supportive place.You are not helpful to tell me to do what I have done and done and done.Shame on you for lacking in compassion.

[Stephanie18]

I'm sorry if you feel I lack compassion but I'm just responding to your posts.
You did say "no child = no worthwhile life to me"
What you went thru was, I'm sure, very difficult and I'm not suggesting that you would be an unfit Mother. I just suggested that you seek some counseling before resuming your search for a child.
You were very defensive and I won't fault you for that however you just did what you accused me of doing.
Shame on YOU!

[JoanneFromNYC]

Cherie...please ignore the negativity. Concentrate on the supportive posts that have been made to you in this thead. ((hugs))

[Cherie Heart]

Stephanie,
If you read the entirity of my posts you would see that:
1.I have gone to and through every possible venue to get help;they are not adequate for the intensity under which I am and have been living.
2. I am not searching for another child.You can't even bother to read the details.
3. It IS MY OPINION THAT MY LIFE IS NOT WORTH WHILE WITHOUT A CHILD IN IT.You can disagree that to you your life is fine without a child but do not DARE to tell me about what my values or feelings should be.
4.Live my life and see how it feels. But you can't.You haven't been through all this hell.
5. I know nothing about you,except your cruel and ill thought advise: so I cannot be expected to extend sympathy into a void.

Joanne,
Thank you for the kindness.But once again ,I find no safe place to unburden myself. It is beyond belief that people are so cold.

[Stephanie18]

Hey, I thought I WAS being supportive. I guess I'll keep my mouth closed!

[Cherie Heart]

I felt no support.If that was an attempt to help, it failed. And responses of that type could easily,easily push a person to a final desperate act because they feel so misunderstood. You never know how fragile a person is on the other side of that screen.You may never know how alone a person can be in their grief.

[Stephanie18]

That is why I am here.
I came to the other side of this site to try to discover the type of relationship I would like to develop with the parents of my daughter.
I was given some very good advice on the birthparent board regarding counseling and it was the best thing I ever did.
I never meant to offend. Sometimes its hard to put into words what is in your head and I truly felt that your reply was worse than my original comments.
Anyway it's over now so hopefully we can move on.
Stephanie