[stronglove]

Dear Friends,

I am posting to both birthmoms and adoptive parents with some questions and a heavy heart. A couple weeks ago, we chose to not go through with an adoption after finding that the baby tested positive for cocaine. This was coupled with other factors -- unknown medical histories, heavy smoking and possible alcohol. The baby while premature, was in good shape with no signs of withdrawal or need for oxygen. It was the hardest decsion of our lives to not go though with it. And yet, I am clear despite the pressures and judgements from the ICU, national experts and our adoption workers, that it is right to trust one's gut, preferences and inner wisdom on such decisions. In the face of my love for this little baby and my passionate desire to be a mother this is no small thing. I think I better understand from all this, what it may be like to be a birthmother faced with decisions around relinquishment and choosing parents. All you can know is what you know at the time -- which requires so much faith and trust in what's right for you at that time.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for the family that did adopt this baby. As it should be, they did so with no ambivalence and wil happiness. That's what I wanted for the baby -- complete joy. And because of my concerns/bottom lines for many reasons, we were not the right choice.

Now, my husband and I are faced with many hard questions about the risks in domestic adoption which before had seemed more remote. After much thought and a long process, we decided on domestic adoption because we want our child to have his/her complete story an an open relationship. We want to cultivate and honor a respectful connection to the birthparents and hope this brings self-respect and esteem to our child. That we are clear about.

After this, our agency is giving me the feedback that my expections have been unreasonable. They have psychologized my preferences saying that I have "not resolved my infertility issues" and need to be able to give up control. I am really curious to hear what people think about this. Who doesn't have high hopes for their children?!

What are some of the realities of birthparents I am missing? Is it unrealistic to hope for a birthmom who hasn't done alot of nicotine, alcohol or drugs? What's "reasonable" to expect? I know each story is complex and I have much compassion for birthmoms in crisis situations. I am not judgemental about drug use. I do however, have concerns about known challenges and want to take on what I want to handle. Some of what I wonder about too, is whether I may be placing too many eggs in one basket by reaching out only to the pool of birthmothers connected to our agency. Perhaps I can network on my own to bring about a great fit. I am a psychotic optimist! The great thing about the agency (of only 2 staff), is that birthmothers recieve very solid counseling and support though the entire process and we would be sad to forfeit that tremendous resource for all involved.


Well thanks for those of you who read this. I 'd love to hear from folks.

Warmly,
Jan


__________________
Going for a caring, sensitive adoption
with love power. I know it will
happen!




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Today 09:39 PM


__________________
Going for a caring, sensitive adoption
with love power. I know it will

[Bogie]

There is nothing wrong with what you did. - My husband and I recently had a birth mother change her mind in the hospital, and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Since then, we have had to turn down a couple of situations because there were too many needs for us. I truly believe that there is nothing wrong with having expectations. It becomes wrong when those expectations are unreasonable or un-negotiable in different circumstances. As adoptive parents, it is imporatant for you to know your limits and be able to stick to them - and I believe that is what you have done. It is not unreasonable for you to pray for a birthmother who has not used drugs or alcohol, and it is not unreasonable for you to wait until one comes along. - Especially if you don't feel that you can appropriately care for a child with special needs. Good for you for sticking to your limits! Just take each situation as it comes - and the right one is bound to happen.

[janeliz]

It seems to me like your agency needs to know more specifically what their adoptive couples desire in a child. Our agency had a very long and detailed questionnaire in which you circled somewhere from 1-10 on your willingness to accept certain things. It went from biracial to nearsightedness to diabetes to drug use. This gives each couple a chance to prayerfully consider all these items. Within a couple even, these things are different, so we had to come up with one number that reflected us as a couple.

This saved a lot of heartache as when a birthmother came to the agency she filled out a similar questionnaire on adoptive parents. Then the agency only showed her the profiles where the preferences matched up. A birthmother might only see a handful of profiles instead of 20-30, but they are tailored for her.

Jane

[Rainbow mom]

From an adoptive parent and a person who works for a Health Dept. I have researched the Drug vs Alcohol issue and was told undeniably that with the research done up to this point Drug's have a lesser effect on children than does alcohol. Alcohol has long term and severe effects. Drug effects usually go away once the drug is removed from the childs system.


I am also an adoptive mom of a baby who was born addicted to Cocaine. She was a little more sensitive to sound when she was young. She startled a little more easy than most babies (this depends the severity of use by birthmom). Some drug babies cry inssesantly and are inconsolible (however that is not a permanent state). If it where me I would see what the severity of the problems the child is currently facing, A doctor or nurse could tell you that from their observation. Then make a choice based on fact and reality.

Our baby is now on target and speaking two languages and at 23 months says about 150 words. She loves books and has a very long attension span. Even putting that aside she may have learning disabilites that are not apparent yet (she could have them even if her birthmom did not use drugs). She will always be told about her birthmom's usage of drugs and the possible effect to her in the future (she may become dependant if she chooses to use, so may every other child).

I am not sure what you where specifically asking but many of the babies that are put up are from addicted mothers that cannot raise their children due to their own addiction. Asking for a child without these problems is going to prolong your wait. On the other hand if you go global who's to say that the agency knows the mothers history or would tell you honestly that the child has addiction problems. You have only the history the mother chooses to give.

Good luck with your search for your child and ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. People have different comfort levels that they can tolerate. You'll find yours.

[BioAdoptMom3]

Hi Jan,
I can relate to what you are saying because I always thought the same thing, when I adopted I wanted a child without a history like the one you are describing. You never know what lies down the road. However, I have since realized that I was wrong. We are the proud parents of a beautiful little girl who was born 7 weeks preterm and had been exposed to cocaine, crack, marijuana, barbituates, alcohol and tobacco. She entered our home though the foster care system as soon as she was discharged from the NICU. She had no withdraws and no medical issues other than the fact that she needed to catch up with her growth. She is now three years old and her social, language and motor skillls are excellent. Emotionlly she is doing great also! Now, I do know there could be problems down the road with a potential learning disability and she already has problems taking medications that make others drowsy (they make her hyper) which CAN be a sign of ADHD. We also have very little medical history (only what the hospital could provide after we adopted her). However we are bonded and we love her so we'll just have to cross that bridge if and when we come to it. I also believe that no matter what kind of pregnancy a bmom had, how much care she got, etc. there are no guarantees. I think you made the right decision based on your gut feeling with the other baby. I just wanted to share my story so you would realize that even though a bmom has little prenatal care, is a drug user, etc. it does not necessarily mean the baby will have any problems down the road. Also, in my experience as a teacher I strongly believe that envirnment has a lot more to do with the way these drug babies grow, learn and develop than the biological factors. Most children who have problems that were drug babies are still being rasied in that envirnment.
You are in my prayers for a successful adoption!
Nancy