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  #1  
Old 06-20-2012, 09:26 PM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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In limbo once again....

I am in the middle of a contested adoption and it is really starting to wear on me. Our baby girl is almost four months old. The emom is the daughter of a family friend. We have a great, open adoption with her. We were told that the BF was all over the place from claiming he was infertile to wanting the baby to agreeing to adoption. We were hesitant at first but after the agency case worker spoke with him, he agreed to sign the papers. Our attorney and case worker felt it was a very good situation. We flew out to her state and were there for the L&D. It was her mother and myself in the room coaching her through labor and I got to watch her deliver our little angel. She let me cut the umbilical cord and hold her and feed her first. It was an amazing experience that I am forever grateful to have had. She signed the papers 72 hrs later and we picked up our new baby from cradle care. Once ICPC went through, we flew home when she was just 9 days old! When we left the BF was scheduled to sign the papers. It didn't happen. He stopped returning phone calls from the case worker and no one heard anything for weeks. Our attorney and case worker said that this happens all the time and he will probably never contact anyone again. The TPR hearing was set for Early June so we were just waiting. Our entire family was beyond thrilled and enjoyed having a new baby in the family. Shortly after her two month birthday, we were notified that the BF had filed papers contesting the adoption. I was devastated! My husband and I have been married for over 10 years and this was only the second time I have seen him cry. (the first time was with our first miscarriage) He is NOT the crying type so it was even harder to see him so emotional. We had to get a paternity test before anything could happen so we are waiting on the results. It took almost two months to get it scheduled because the BF couldn't afford it. We ended up paying for it because we felt it was worth it to get this process moving forward. The BF isn't a bad person. He is just young and poor. These aren't reasons he can't be a good parent. We respect his right to parent and hope that if he chooses to do so it will be out of complete love for his daughter and he does everything in his power to provide for her. He has not wanted to make a decision until the DNA tests results are in and then he has agreed to go to mediation. We will not fight him. We believe that God has a reason for everything and that we are all His children.

One thing that has made this even more challenging is that our baby girl has had several issues. She has seen a pediatric hematologist, ophthmalogist, GI, and chiropractor! It took almost two months to discover she has a severe sensitivity to milk and now they think she may be sensitive to soy! We have poured our hearts into her, trying to fix what we can and comfort her as best we can. We have told the BF's attorney all this and hope he understands she is not an "easy" baby (if that actually exists)!

So, right now, we are still in limbo. Waiting for a decision that will forever change our lives once again. I am just tired of waiting. Tired of feeling like my life is on hold. I am sure many of you understand that feeling. We have been trying to have a family for 9 1/2 years. We have had 4 miscarriages (one landed me in the hospital), a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, a bad round of clomid, a failed match, and now a contested adoption. When do you say enough is enough? Do we move on to something else? Do we try again? I need to pray! Again and again and again!

Thanks for listening!
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  #2  
Old 06-21-2012, 06:55 PM
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theLBs theLBs is offline
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. you're in my thoughts and prayers.
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  #3  
Old 06-22-2012, 11:24 AM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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Thank you theLBs! We are awaiting the paternity test results and I am very anxious about what will happen next! Congrats on your little bundle of joy!
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  #4  
Old 06-25-2012, 07:52 PM
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FLAdoptiveMama FLAdoptiveMama is offline
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I am sorry to read what you and hubby are going through. I am praying for you and hoping that the BF realizes that you can provide a more stable home environment for your child. I wonder if you can agree to an open adoption where he could visit you from time to time and in that way he can find peace with his feelings and agree to the adoption. Have you discussed that as an option?
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  #5  
Old 06-26-2012, 11:22 AM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FLAdoptiveMama
I am sorry to read what you and hubby are going through. I am praying for you and hoping that the BF realizes that you can provide a more stable home environment for your child. I wonder if you can agree to an open adoption where he could visit you from time to time and in that way he can find peace with his feelings and agree to the adoption. Have you discussed that as an option?

Thank you FLAdoptiveMama. We have offered him an open adoption. So far he has been uninterested in meeting us or looking at our profile. We have a very open adoption with bmom. She has our email and phone number and can contact us whenever she wants. We will also try to have an annual visit. We live in different states so we both agree that there may be a time when a trip is not possible but we will try every year. We have offered the same open adoption to bdad but have not gotten much of a response. We have found out a few things that make us believe he never really wanted the adoption. We completely respect his right to parent and never wanted to prevent him from doing so. I wish everyone had been more honest throughout this process but adoption is a tricky thing. People are operating on high emotions and sometimes things get monkeyed (sp?) up. We are just hopeful that this will get resolved quickly so that if our DD has to change homes, the transition will happen ASAP so it will be a tad easier on her. That is my main focus; making this as easy on her as possible.
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  #6  
Old 06-27-2012, 05:10 PM
blessedmomee blessedmomee is offline
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We are in almost the exact situation. Our timeline is the same as yours. Birthmom rights are irrevocable, but he never signed. She is using him to get baby back, and he has said he won't parent but will give baby to her. Two months until TPR hearing. Would love to hear more about your situation and offer support!
Hugs!! I will be praying for you!
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  #7  
Old 06-27-2012, 07:31 PM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedmomee
We are in almost the exact situation. Our timeline is the same as yours. Birthmom rights are irrevocable, but he never signed. She is using him to get baby back, and he has said he won't parent but will give baby to her. Two months until TPR hearing. Would love to hear more about your situation and offer support!
Hugs!! I will be praying for you!

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is awful! The bmom signed 72 hrs after birth without an issue. She is very solid in her decision and very happy with us the APs to her daughter. The BF agreed to the adoption and was set to sign the papers the week we left Nevada (DDs birth state). However, he never showed to sign the papers and made excuses as to why he couldn't do it right now. The CW tried several times to contact him but he just stopped communication altogether. Our atty, CW, and SW all said the same thing...most of these guys just never sign and you never hear from them again. Everyone felt it would be okay. Then, after 9 weeks, we get the notification that he has filed papers to contest the adoption!
The TPR hearing was set for 6/7, so he had until that time to contest or sign. We had him served and did a public notification in the local paper. He is the identified birth father but still considered putative because they were not in a relationship at the time of birth. At the TPR hearing the only thing the judge did was terminate John doe's parental rights so no one else can come forward in the future. The bmom's right were not terminated in case the adoption falls through she can get them reinstated if she so desires.
We finally got the paternity test scheduled and completed. We are now waiting on the results, which should arrive by Friday. I do not doubt he is the BF because the bmom has not given us any reason to suspect he is not. He has been unwilling to say whether he wants to parent or just have a binding open adoption agreement until the results are
back. We are hoping he will tell us one way or the other shortly after he gets verification that he is the father.
We have found out that he was against the adoption until January. That is when he first said he would sign the papers. This was not communicated to us very clearly before. If we had known he really wanted to parent his child we would not have gotten involved. Although he is young and does not have a great job, we respect his right to parent. I just wish our DD did not have to go through this. The thought of her making such a transition is almost unbearable. She is 4 months old and has been with us since the moment she was born.
I would love to hear about your situation. Although it is sad to have company in this terrible situation, it is nice to be able to talk with someone that understands the extreme emotions you experience during a contested adoption. I will be praying for your family as well!
__________________
Married to wonderful DH since 2001!
2003-2012- 5 angel babies
8/2010-Adoption journey begins
12/2010-Home study completed
2/2011-A friend of a friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 6/2011!
5/2011-Match failed (long story)
11/2011-Family friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 2/2012!
12/2011-Home study updated
2/2012-DD born and in our arms!
5/2012-BF contests adoption
7/20/2012-Adoption failed. We said goodbye to DD.
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  #8  
Old 06-28-2012, 09:20 AM
blessedmomee blessedmomee is offline
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Thankfully, Friday is almost here and you will hopefully begin to find out what direction the BF is taking. I pray he reconsiders your offer of visitation. I am so sorry that someone else is experiencing the same pain we are!

Our situation is different in that both BP's are teens without jobs, driver's lic, family and friends. The Bmom moved to our state to hide her pregnancy from her drug addicted, abusive parents. She lives in a dirty apartment with only a mattress and TV on the floor. At 18, this was her 4th pregnancy, and she is barely parenting a 1 and 2yr. old. She is scared to death of CYS taking her children from her, and even insisted on them being in the delivery room for the birth of our baby, because she had no babysitter and didn't want CYS to take them. She threw numerous tantrums and walked out of two scheduled c-sections because of this. She told us she was due in Dec, and with no prenatal care we were stuck waiting, until our agency sw finally persuaded her to go to OB in Feb.
She deliverd our baby beginning of Feb(on DH's bday), signed all paperwork, spent time with us, and was discharged. Next day as we were getting ready to leave with baby, our agency said she had changed her mind. She hired a taxi, stopped at Walmart for a carseat and got baby. We were devasted, but so glad our other children hadn't seen baby. 2.5wks. later, she calls agency and says she can't do it. We get baby.

Now 4.5mo later, she contacts BF to take baby from us. He has always known about baby, but had no interest. Now he is coming forward, not to parent, but to give baby to bmom. He lives in the worst area in our country! Drug infested, crime ridden, no job, no driver's lic, grew up with no parents. He doesn't even want the baby!

We found out he had come forward, met with our agency and lawyer next morning. We said we would fight, not because we don't respect the right of the BF but because of what we would be putting our sweet baby girl into. The BP's were shocked when our sw said we would see them in court, and we would fight! The bmom honestly thought she would get baby immediately!

Both BP's did call me that same day. We told them we fear for baby's safety, and that baby is center of our world! We waited 8 long yrs. to adopt again! We have 8 children ages 8-20, who live for their baby sister. I am putting in mildly when I say our home revolves around her! The children were so broken when we lost her in Feb, I don't know how they would ever be able to lose her again. This is our 7th adoption, and we are huge proponents of open adoption. We have wonderful relationships with our other bmoms! We were really hoping for the same with this bmom. We wanted to be a blessing and support in her life, as well.

So we now wait until end of Aug for TPR hearing. We truly hope in the meantime, the Bmom will reconsider. She doesn't want CYS coming in, or the court appointing someone to check her out. Also it is very, very likely she is lying about paternity! Our baby looks exactly like her 1yr. who she says has a different father. Either BF is father to both, or another man is father to both! She is not going to want to expose that, after hiding pregnancy for 9mo from everyone(and I mean everyone!), but the supposed BF. He knew the entire time, and our agency has sent him several letters. We were going to advertise in July, after never hearing from him. He told our agency he was in our state to see baby in Feb. At the same time, he says he never believed baby would be adopted. Yet, he doesn't know birthdate, or anything about baby and says he has never spoken to bmom until now when she tracked him down on internet.

Being in limbo for two months is unfathomable. I really want to know are they going to pursue contesting adoption, or not! Not sure how to find out!

That's my long story! Again, I'm so sorry you are experiencing a similar situation! I will be praying and please feel free to PM me whenever you need someone to talk to! Hugs!
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  #9  
Old 06-28-2012, 10:36 AM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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(((hugs)))! I am so sorry! I would definitely take the BF to court if his living situation was anything like you are facing. In our case, BF is young, 19 or 20, has a stable job that doesn't pay great, and lives with his 18 yr old girlfriend. There is no evidence of drug, alcohol, or physical abuse. We are concerned because he does not have a great support system and we do not think he fully understand what being a parent requires, both monetarily and emotionally. We just pray that if he does parent that he does it with love and gives her all he can.
I will PM you. Again, I am so sorry.
__________________
Married to wonderful DH since 2001!
2003-2012- 5 angel babies
8/2010-Adoption journey begins
12/2010-Home study completed
2/2011-A friend of a friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 6/2011!
5/2011-Match failed (long story)
11/2011-Family friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 2/2012!
12/2011-Home study updated
2/2012-DD born and in our arms!
5/2012-BF contests adoption
7/20/2012-Adoption failed. We said goodbye to DD.
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  #10  
Old 06-28-2012, 11:59 AM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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Blessedmommee, your inbox is full. Let me know when I can PM you. Thanks!
__________________
Married to wonderful DH since 2001!
2003-2012- 5 angel babies
8/2010-Adoption journey begins
12/2010-Home study completed
2/2011-A friend of a friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 6/2011!
5/2011-Match failed (long story)
11/2011-Family friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 2/2012!
12/2011-Home study updated
2/2012-DD born and in our arms!
5/2012-BF contests adoption
7/20/2012-Adoption failed. We said goodbye to DD.
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  #11  
Old 06-28-2012, 12:02 PM
blessedmomee blessedmomee is offline
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Sorry! Should be good now!
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  #12  
Old 07-02-2012, 02:39 PM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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Update: we found out today that the BF is 99.9% the father, which we suspected. We are now trying to set up a mediation to get this resolved quickly!
__________________
Married to wonderful DH since 2001!
2003-2012- 5 angel babies
8/2010-Adoption journey begins
12/2010-Home study completed
2/2011-A friend of a friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 6/2011!
5/2011-Match failed (long story)
11/2011-Family friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 2/2012!
12/2011-Home study updated
2/2012-DD born and in our arms!
5/2012-BF contests adoption
7/20/2012-Adoption failed. We said goodbye to DD.
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  #13  
Old 07-02-2012, 03:24 PM
JulyFly JulyFly is offline
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I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you, Zenbaby.
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  #14  
Old 07-02-2012, 03:55 PM
Zenbaby Zenbaby is offline
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Thanks JulyFly! We know whatever happens is meant be. We have been lucky to have this experience. It has taught us so much!
__________________
Married to wonderful DH since 2001!
2003-2012- 5 angel babies
8/2010-Adoption journey begins
12/2010-Home study completed
2/2011-A friend of a friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 6/2011!
5/2011-Match failed (long story)
11/2011-Family friend asked us to adopt her baby
due 2/2012!
12/2011-Home study updated
2/2012-DD born and in our arms!
5/2012-BF contests adoption
7/20/2012-Adoption failed. We said goodbye to DD.
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  #15  
Old 07-03-2012, 06:36 AM
blessedmomee blessedmomee is offline
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I am so sorry. I know you expected this, but i wish the results would have been different. I am still praying that mediation may reveal to BF that your DD is best with you. Please keep us posted!! Lots of hugs!!
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