[aislinryann]

My husband and I have tried three times to adopt, the first time, it feel through, the second, the mother changed her mind and her mother kept the baby, and this last time, just happened last Sunday. We were contacted in early July by a friend of the family. She wanted to put her baby up for adoption, knew of our story and said she wanted us to take her baby girl when she was born. Fast forward through the home study and getting things ready for the baby girl, we end up in the hospital last Friday, with our baby girl being born at 1:07 pm. We cared for her in the hospital, had her name filled out on all of the birth certificate paper work, and were getting ready to leave on Sunday at about noon. The nurse came in, said she had to do some things in the nursery before we could leave, and 15 minutes later, the birth mother was in our room, telling us she couldn't do this. We had taken care of this baby girl for two days straight, the birth mom seeing her once. With a simple sentence, our lives crashed down around us. The social worker made things even worse there at the hospital by telling my husband and I that she can't imagine what we are going through and have been through because she has children of her own. How cruel and heartless, just minutes after our dreams were trampled! We were allowed time with the baby to tell her good bye and the birth mom wanted us to be god parents of the baby. What do you say to that???

Almost a week later, we are picking up our lives and trying to move on, but what do we do? How do we cope with this pain? How can we honor her, and remember those two days we had with her? My mom keeps telling me, at least she is still alive and hopefully being taken care of, but the pain is as if she died. She was a huge part of our lives and then was just gone.

I can't imagine how hard it is for a birth mom to go through the process, and all you hear is how people feel sorry for them. But what about those of us who's dreams come true and then are ripped away a short time later?!

How do you move on, with out forgetting the love you felt?

[Dickons]

Aislinryann,

Nothing is easy in this old world of ours and sometimes it takes years to come to peace with events. I have not been in your situation but have lost my son (passed away) so I can feel your pain. What I found many years later was that his death also taught me how to be empathic. Perhaps you will also find your pain has better prepared you on your road to be a parent, to be empathic to what your adopted child may experience?

Hopefully you do not take this the wrong way as it is meant in the best way possible, but it often strikes me that we need to experience things in life to make us better people for what is yet ahead.

Peace,
Dickons

[Withay]

I, too have never been in quite the same shoes. I have, however had a fc for 11 months, told that I was going to be the adoptive mom (by the cw) and then had the child literally ripped from my arms and given to another family. I picked this baby up at the age of 2 days and parented for 11 months.

I do know where this precious little one lives with the adoptive family, but am not welcome, not welcome even in the town.

Does it still hurt? You bet. Does it get better? Not really. Does it get easier to accept? Yes.

The big thing that this experience taught me is that God knew that 'my' child would have a wonderful home with the other family, but that there was a child out there that needed me. No one, but me was to be this other childs' mom. It was 2 short years later when my son came into my life. The adoption should be finalized by the end of this year.

Would I have this precious child, my son, if I had not gone through the other placement? I don't know. Only God can answer that question. I do know that I am a better mother for having gone through the pain of losing my first placement. I appreciate my son so much.

I agree with Dickons when she says

it often strikes me that we need to experience things in life to make us better people for what is yet ahead.

Blessings

[aislinryann]

I too believe that there is something to be learned from all of this pain. Its so hard to see through that pain right now. Its only been a week, and I need to allow time to heal.

We have talked about the foster to adopt option, but I don't know how well I would do with that. I become quickly attached to people, children and adults alike, and I just don't know how I'd deal.

It is comforting to know that we aren't the only people who have been through this pain. And knowing that there is a place to come for advice.

Thanks so much for your insight.

[sugarmuffin]

I just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers

[Sydangle2]

I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ this pain. So many things about your story mirror mine as well. Primarily, we were matched w/ a bmom 7/15, she had baby 8/4, everyone identified us as the parents, we held our baby girl, comforted her, held her for 2 days- then on 8/6/09 at 8:40am in the morning w/o warning bmom changed her mind. In an instant our lives changed much like yours.

All I can tell you is it does get easier w/ time. I'm still mad at times. But the grief is less. I don't cry as easily when I think of baby girl. The best advise I can give, feel what your feeling- do what you have to, to feel ok. Try not to deny your feelings... take it one day at a time.

My dh went straight from this experience that happened on a thursday to traveling home on Saturday- a 7 hour drive; to going to work on Monday...... 3 weeks later he thought he was dealing w/ things we talked, cried together, tried to work through & process all that happened....

DH was shocked/ & blindsighted by an overhelming burst of emotions... all he did was talk to the secratery at work- (just small talk) she was saying something about her son/ & dh.... My dh added something- the adoption stuff came up....... & dh was overtaken by all these emotions he thought he dealt with he became very misty & emotional. ......

All I'm saying is that when you need to talk, cry, or be mad don't deny these feelings.. & IF they happen suddenly don't be shocked or think there is something wrong w/ you... just know that IS the healing process. There is no time table... you are greiving a loss.

Sorry to ramble; & sorry this has happened.