[juliejinks]

We recently were called to the hospital by our birthmom that she was in labor. We were there the whole time. I got to cut the cord. My husband was the first to hold her. We were invited to stay in the hospital which was great we were next door to the birthmom and we had the baby most of the time expect when she had visitors she would come over. Well in Michigan a temporary placement order must be signed for us to take the baby from the hosp . and then the birthmom has to appear in court for formal paperwork and termination of rights which is about a week or so. Well during this waiting time til court we got the devestaing call that she wanted her back. and basically said it was for her own selfish reasons not for the betterment of the baby. We are devestated and extremely lost . We love this little girls and it is kiling us knowing what kind of life she will have . We know that her mother just went to the bar last night and her daughter has been returned by us just the day before. I hate being in this postion that I cant save this baby from this disfunctional family who has admitted that she really doesn't feel like a motherly type. I just dont know how to get thru this . All I can think of is her ......

[sugarmuffin]

Hugs to you!!! I will be praying for you and your family. It just doesn't seem fair. But know this.........you are not alone and please keep us updated.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by juliejinks

We recently were called to the hospital by our birthmom that she was in labor. We were there the whole time. I got to cut the cord. My husband was the first to hold her. We were invited to stay in the hospital which was great we were next door to the birthmom and we had the baby most of the time expect when she had visitors she would come over. Well in Michigan a temporary placement order must be signed for us to take the baby from the hosp . and then the birthmom has to appear in court for formal paperwork and termination of rights which is about a week or so. Well during this waiting time til court we got the devestaing call that she wanted her back. and basically said it was for her own selfish reasons not for the betterment of the baby. We are devestated and extremely lost . We love this little girls and it is kiling us knowing what kind of life she will have . We know that her mother just went to the bar last night and her daughter has been returned by us just the day before. I hate being in this postion that I cant save this baby from this disfunctional family who has admitted that she really doesn't feel like a motherly type. I just dont know how to get thru this . All I can think of is her ......

First off, I am so so sorry for you heartache. However, this new mom...was NOT "YOUR BMOM', she is not a "Bmom', until she relinquishes her child. You are aware of the circumstances, going into this adoption industry. When a Mom changes her mind...it is for the betterment of the child...UNLESS, you can PROVE she is unfit to be ...ie.- abuses drugs, mentally unstable, abuses her children.etc, etc. Just because you KNOW for a fact "she went to the bar last night", does not mean she is any of the above. IF you can prove any of these above alegations, you owe this to the child to report her...But she does not owe you HER baby...or for that matter, any explanations. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is what can happen when you enter into an adoption plan! I do offer my sincerest condolences...there REALLY is a child out there waiting for you! I will say a prayer for you and your family...only wishing you the best..C.J.

[MamaS]

Julie: I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I know how it can feel when a child you love is in the custody and control of someone you don't trust to take proper care of them.
Please be aware that you will get different responses from adoptive parents and birth parents. Some birth parents tend to be rather harsh and legalistic. (I.E. It isn't your child until the court signs off that it is.) But I understand that in your heart that was your baby and you are concerned about her welfare.
Cetalley is right. If you know anything report her to DCS. Don't hold back and overthink that it might be revenge. Think about that baby, and the importance of her safety, even if it is in a foster home.

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by cetalley

First off, I am so so sorry for you heartache. However, this new mom...was NOT "YOUR BMOM', she is not a "Bmom', until she relinquishes her child. You are aware of the circumstances, going into this adoption industry. When a Mom changes her mind...it is for the betterment of the child...UNLESS, you can PROVE she is unfit to be ...ie.- abuses drugs, mentally unstable, abuses her children.etc, etc. Just because you KNOW for a fact "she went to the bar last night", does not mean she is any of the above. IF you can prove any of these above alegations, you owe this to the child to report her...But she does not owe you HER baby...or for that matter, any explanations. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is what can happen when you enter into an adoption plan! I do offer my sincerest condolences...there REALLY is a child out there waiting for you! I will say a prayer for you and your family...only wishing you the best..C.J.

Seriously, this person is absolutely DEVASTATED and this is what you say to her?? Unbelievable. Just because she entered into adoption knowing the risks; nothing can prepare you for the devastation that must follow a failed placement. Just as when you placed, you couldn't have possibly imagined the lifelong pain you'd endure; and yet, how many adoptive parents have said to you "well, it was your choice not to parent". That is the equivalent of what you've said to this person. When people are hurting, they say things without worrying about PC, without regards to others, because their grief just swallows them whole. I would think as I birthmother you could recognize that and perhaps show a little more compasssion; or as you learn in kindergarten, if you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all. I don't mean to be harsh myself, but I feel the pain in the posters words and felt it was necessary to defend her.

[myccg2004]

cjmeck, I COMPLETELY agree with you. What are people thinking. My god, how about just a little compassion. I understand there are 3 sides to every adoption and each side has its own feelings about adoption but we're all on the HUMAN SIDE. Let's try and remember that. It's things like this that keep people from posting and asking for help and suggestions. There's a time and a place for everything and this was NOT the time.

My heart goes out to juliejinks and her family. May they find their forever baby real soon.

[EZ2Luv]

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. As an adoptee I know what a failed placement is like because we had a newborn in our home when I was a young girl that our family did not end up adopting.

I know this is no consolation, but ask yourself if you really would want a baby at the expense of the baby's mother really wanting to parent? How would you look that child in their eyes knowing this?
This child may grow to resent you for this years down the road.
I am not anti adoption but unless a mother is 100% certain in her desire to relinquish or if a baby is definately in harms way or at risk, then the baby should always stay with their bmom.

Please understand that the responses that you recieve here will vary and if the appear to be harsh it is only because it is from a person who has been and is living the pain of losing their baby to adoption.
It is said that "adoption is a permanant solution for a temporary problem" be it due to finance, age,, living situation or other situations that can change for the better. Perhaps this mother was able to clearly think things through and realized she was able and did want to parent. There are so many wonderful birthmothers here that unfortuantely realized this after the fact, when it was too late to turn back and are forced to live with the pain of it.

I love my amom to the moon and back and honestly believe that God intended for me to be her daughter, so with that believe that there is a baby truly meant to be yours.
I suggest you read about the horrific life long pain some bmoms are living with. As much as you miss this baby, would you want the baby's mother making such a life changing decision and having such regrets?

I pray that the baby that is meant to be yours finds your arms soon.

EZ

[juliejinks]

I came to this forum looking for some compassion and one of you showed just the opposite. I didn't come on here to down bmoms. I just know in the previous months that we have had an open relationship that she had disclosed that she isn't the mothering type. She has two children already who she only has custody of one and the other ....well she really isn't the motherly type. The father is a drug addict and alcholic. they don't have a place for this baby in their small apt. that is in a horrible neighborhood. I'm sorry that I love this child and yes I fell in love with her in a very short amt of time and all I think of is the environment she is going to be in .....based on what I have heard , seen , or been told directly by the parents. And for her to tell me that she knows that we are the best thing for her child but she is doing this for her because she likes the attention right now makes me sick! That this mother would sacrifice her childs well being and ability to thrive successfully just because she has a need to have attention .well its wrong. I am devestated for this child not for us. Of course we would love to have another child but this is not the heartache right now its what this little girl is going to grow up with and knowing that she could have better. I think moms have the right to change their minds and yes we knew this. She should have been honest with us. Prior to leaving the hospital she was asked if this is what she wanted and she always said yes. She decieved us and led us to beleive that all would be well and we would cont to have an open relationship following finalization of paperwork. which is what we wanted so that this precious child knew her birthfamily. As for the going to the bar statement. What mother says that she cant stand being away from her child as a reason to change her mind and then the next day goes out to party. thats a bunch of bs! I would never think to do that I would treasure every moment but I guess people have different ideas of parenting and priorities . I thank those that stuck up for me I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to birthmoms I just needed someone to talk to who had been thru this themselves that understands the devestation that I am going thru so I can begin to heal.

[sugarmuffin]

You came to the right place for compassion and understanding. Please do not let anyone make you doudt that.

As an adoptive mom I just couldn't 'support' you enough.

Please people lets embrace this woman with compassion and understanding.

[proudmommyof 2]

Julie, I am so sorry. And I'm sorry that you didn't get 100% compassion here.

((((((Hugs))))))))

She was your baby. Maybe not legally, but you weren't babysitting her. She was yours. And you lost a child. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through.

We had a failed adoption 1 year before going international. Some times it seems like I'm mostly over it. However, a coworker had a failed adoption last year and the pain came back. I couldn't even teach my class because I was so devastated for her, and for my memories as well.

It takes time. And it takes surrounding yourself with people who understand. If someone in your circle isn't understanding, they need to be out of your circle for awhile. If your hubby gets to the point in the future where he's tired of talking about it, yell at him and tell him you need him. I'm telling you now that the guys want to move on, and we don't want to.

I am so so sorry. I can't even offer advice...just ((((hugs))))).....

[misidawnrn]

Julie, I am sorry you feel so bashed. I am sorry you can't come here for support and get such a negative response from someone who hasn't come to terms with their own life.
We had a traditional surrogate that got pregnant with twins and decided to keep them because her boyfriend's brother had twins and now the boyfriend thought it would be "cool" to have twins too. This is now her 5th and 6th child, she is on welfare, and has also told me she doesn't "like" her kids and posted on her myspace that she was mad that the twins were boys since she already had 3 boys and wanted more girls... where as I was just thrilled to be having boys (girls would have been great too)
Yes, those babies weren't biologically "mine" but they were growing in my heart like they were mine. They were her biological children but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt any less than if I had a miscarriage or babies that died.
My heart goes out to you. We are now going to adopt a little girl in March and I pray every day that the emom doesn't change her mind. Yes that little girl isn't "mine" yet, but I have painted her room, smelled the freshly laundered outfits and named her. In my heart she is MINE, just like this little baby was YOURS... don't let anyone tell you different. You will grieve just like she died...trust me I know. Take that time to grieve and cry and be mad and the whole range of emotions you will feel and don't let anyone take that away from you.
God bless...

[joskids]

Julie - No one but yourselves can truly understand the pain you are feeling at this moment. You must spend time grieving your loss and, as for the child you almost parented, all you can do is pray for her now.

Adoption is not an easy road. But when your forever child is placed in your arms, the pain you feel now will lessen and you will feel so much joy. Please let your friends support you as you deal with the pain and let us all share your joy when you report to us all who will be waiting to hear happy news in your future.

Josie

[amyfk]

((((Julie))))) I havent been through a domestic adoption and the losses associated with it but I hear it is hard and I hope you take care of yourself during this very difficult time.
Amy K, NJ

[JPDakota]

Julie, you know how I know you will be a great parent? In this time of great loss (I have occupied that space myself), your concern is not for your heartbreak. Your concern of for that innocent little baby and her needs and her well being. Don't let a basher get you down. Your head and heart are in the right place.

[SoniaRose]

Can't we all just get along?

Julie, I would like to offer my sympathy that your adoption did not work out. It must be very painful for you to bring a baby home and then have to give her back.

I would also like to defend cetalley, a birth mom, who misses the twins she relinquished 22 years ago. She is speaking from her heart because she has lived the life-long pain of giving up her babies. I have read many of her thoughtful posts in the adoptee and bparent forums.

I am an adoptee so I know that some of my opinions are not always welcome in the adoptive parent forum. But the birthmom IS the mom, and it is her baby, and it is her decision. I really don't think she wants to keep her baby because she wants the attention.

I understand how emotions are running high right now, and this must be a very difficult time for you. I feel bad for everyone involved. Julie, hopefully you will have your baby soon.