[cindyinnc]

My husband and I were part of a failed independent adoption that just fell apart yesterday. We are both knew that this could happen. That does not change how we feel at this point. We basically feel totally scammed, hurt, betrayed, and shocked. We had been at the hospital non-stop for two weeks and were there for the birth. We bonded, held, and fed him....he is so precious. We are so worried about him. Bmom has nowhere to live, has nothing for him, etc. It is just such a sad situation. I am just not doing well at all with this. Everytime I think I am okay I start crying all over thinking about him and how he will be. Has anyone ever felt this way? I wish there were a way I could make sure he will always be safe, but have no clue how to do it. I also know that bmoms have rights and I respect that. I just can not understand this whole situation and how the poor child has to be a victim. Please let me know your thoughts, ideas, etc of how to cope with all of this.

Thanks
Cindy

[lmitch]

Cindy,
I know how you are feeling right now...no control over a sad situation... so here are some hugs We had a failed adoption last year where the baby was with us for 8 months and then finally returned to the bio father. This is a good place to come and don't hestitate to PM me or email me if you need someone to talk to. As awful as it is remember that this is what we do as adoptive parents "putting our selves out there" where sometimes the end result are devastating. And while it does not help right now your child IS out there waiting for you in the perfect time/space sequence. Hang in there. Laura

[ranoutofnames]

Cindy,
Not to give you any false hope, but did you let the birth mother know that if she should change her mind that she is welcome to contact you (even if via the attorney arranging everything.)

There was another poster not too long ago who had something similar. After 2-3 weeks (something like that) the birth mother realized that although her heart was on parenting her child the realities were too much to overcome.

It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

In the mean time... I'm so sorry for your loss.

[startedover]

to add to what ranoutof names had to say...I wanted you to be aware that some woman (I know my daughters bmom was one) don't realize they can be in an open adoption where they can have a few visits a years and pictures and letters. I truly believe that is why adoption seems to be getting a better repuation.
Of course I would never want to get your hopes up, but I also would want to make sure bmom knew all her options. The fact that you were kinda 'pushed" into a quick homestudy leads me to believe their must have been a reason, whether this is the baby or not that God intends for you.

[cindyinnc]

Thanks so much for all your responses. Yes, the bmom knew that she could continue to see the baby. My husband and I wanted it that way and as long as she wanted to be a part of his life, we wanted to do all we could to make that happen. I really cared about her too, but in the end some things were said that really made me beleive we were scammed all along. She was always steadfast about who the bdad was, but changed her story when she finally admitted that she had changed her mind. I don't know what to think....just know it hurts.

[adopting_again]

We just had a disruption too (2/21/08)...we only had the baby for 5 days, so I'm sure it was/is less devastating, but I think the only thing that will help is time. I, too, cry a lot, sometimes at really inopportune and dangerous times (driving 50 mph on a busy highway comes to mind), and usually during quiet times or when I'm frustrated with my DS pushing my buttons. But, this is our 2nd adoption and I know that it's not always like this, and that helps. I do fear that we will not be ready when the time is right to adopt again, but I think that's a common fear. Take care.
Melanie

[smuags]

You know, I really don't think there is anything that anyone can say that will take away the pain that you are feeling. Our birthmom backed out on 12/06/07. Total shock. It has been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to us. The words of encouragement from the people on these message boards have been very helpful. The pain is still there, but at least we all know we are not alone.

Three months later, we are still waiting but our sad days are getting farther apart. I still cry and get angry, but it is what it is. Today, I don't think we will ever get matched, but the reality is, we will all get the babies that are meant just for us.

I hurt for you and everyone else. Even thought you don't think it today, it will get easier. For me, I think the only way to get rid of the pain is to have a successful match and placement. Cry as much as you want and know that you don't cry alone.

[laughterkt]

I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss.
We had four failed matches.....one we were placed with the baby at our home for five days and then returned him to bmom after she changed her mind.
On the way home from returning him, we got the call about our daughter. I really didn't think I was going to make it through each of those situations....I wanted to give up so many times. We finally have our daughter...she is ten weeks old now.
Cry all you need to. Be upset and angry. Come to these boards and know there is support.
It makes it even worse because we lost thousands of dollars over the last year and a half.
It just seems all so unfair.
If you need to talk, you are more than welcome to PM me.
God Bless

[Madison1]

We are in the process of adoption our daughter, we have had her since she was 2 days old. This has been in the process since bio mom was 3 months pregnant. now mom put in for Termination of adoption. We are devastated. My husband is getting ready to be deployed in June for the 2nd time. So I will be doing this by myself. Im so scared!!!! We are doing this thru Texas. Mom is in Federal Prison for 10 years. Can anyone give help?

[Jeremiah2911]

I can only offer my prayers and encouragement for you and all the others out their like us who are in the process of or have already lost the children we love so much. We must all be strong for each other, knowing we've made even a brief difference in our children's lives and have been touched by them forever.

[SadMomma]

Originally Posted by cindyinnc

My husband and I were part of a failed independent adoption that just fell apart yesterday. We are both knew that this could happen. That does not change how we feel at this point. We basically feel totally scammed, hurt, betrayed, and shocked. We had been at the hospital non-stop for two weeks and were there for the birth. We bonded, held, and fed him....he is so precious. We are so worried about him. Bmom has nowhere to live, has nothing for him, etc. It is just such a sad situation. I am just not doing well at all with this. Everytime I think I am okay I start crying all over thinking about him and how he will be. Has anyone ever felt this way? I wish there were a way I could make sure he will always be safe, but have no clue how to do it. I also know that bmoms have rights and I respect that. I just can not understand this whole situation and how the poor child has to be a victim. Please let me know your thoughts, ideas, etc of how to cope with all of this.

Thanks
Cindy

Cindy this forum has helped me a lot. So I want you to know we are all here for you. I too had a failed adoption after 4 months and wasn't happy with the situtation we returned our son to. Prayer and Support is what helped me to make it...and we are here for you day, night, and even 2am. What state are you in?

[mls0915]

Oh I am so sorry! My husband and I are grieving after our failed adoption last month. We love him so much and still can't believe he is not coming home.

[Jeremiah2911]

We lost our daughter this past Monday after 3 months with us. I scream, I cry, I wonder how to go on when all our dreams were taken from us.

[laughterkt]

Jeremiah.....Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. Do you mind telling what happened? If not, of course I understand. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I know that doesn't make it ANY better. My heart hurts for you and I don't even know you. I don't even know what else to say.

Katie

[Asha0314]

Jeremiah,
I am so sorry. I have not experienced this particular type of loss but I am sure the pain you feel now will lessen as time passes.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel.