[Erin96]

I need some help....I placed my baby for adoption on sept 25 2006 and the father never knew that i had the baby or that I placed him for adoption. I told the father in Dec 2006 that he had a son and that he was not in NY(where we live) but he was in Illinois with an adoptive couple who have an open adoption with me. I was told from the people who were helping me that i didn't have to name him that i could just say "father unknown" on the birth certificate and the papers for adoption. My rights have been terminated officially. Now the father of the baby got his paternity test and found out that he is the father and he wants full custody. The baby is now 6 months old. I was wondering what will most likely happen in a situation like this. Will the adoptive parents have to hand the baby back? Does anyone know if the father can get custody or not?
Im just worried because the adoptive parents knew that the father never knew the baby was born.
also does anyone know about the putative registry?
does it apply to him if he never knew about the baby or the registry? please some advice....

[sadiegirl]

Who were the "people who were helping you"? An agency? An attorney? They never should've advised you not to inform the father.

The BF got a paternity test? So the adoptive parents know about him now?

I am not up on NY law but I would assume that the adoptive parents will now have to "fight" for the baby and could possibly have to give him back depending upon NY law.

Do you keep in touch with them? What are they saying? They will need a lawyer for sure.

I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this situation; I will pray for everyone involved...

[lonni]

Im just worried because the adoptive parents knew that the father never knew the baby was born.
also does anyone know about the putative registry?



I am stunned they knew(paps) and still proceded.
Whoever advised you to do this was very unethical IMO.
There is a putative father statewide list HERE on adoption.com. Maybe it can tell you more. I know a Mother who had her parental rights reinstated during the custody battle between the father and the paps,so that the baby would go back to her if the paps lost. They did lose(paps) when the child was 4.The child went to his mother.You may consider getting an attorney too. Best wishes to you and a prayer.

[ChristieS]

It is going to depend in part on the laws in each state. The adoptive parents appear to be in the position of possibly losing their adopted child.

lonni was absolutely right about you getting your own attorney. You will need to consider your own rights as well. And if the birthfather had hired an attorney then it will depend on the laws and on the judge.

I am sooooo very sorry for the adoptive parents and for this child. I am also sorry for the birthfather as he had a right to know about his child from the beginning.

Best wishes for all involved.

[lonni]

Putative Fathers

here is our link here.

[joskids]

Where was birthfather during your pregnancy that he did not know of the pregnancy. Did he opt out of your life? In most courts he would have to show SUPPORT, both financial (and not just a meager amount), emotional, to you during the pregnancy. He would have to register with the putative father registry. And if he did not register, and later found out about the pregnancy, he MAY have to claim paternity with the court BEFORE the Adoption Petition is filed with the court. If it's been 6 months, the adoption could already be final. Do you know if an adoption hearing has been held? This is complicated stuff. I don't understand how he took a "paternity test" if the adoptive parents are unaware of the present situation. The baby would have had to have blood drawn. Did this occur? Did you use an agency? An attorney? If so, you need to get in touch with them and discuss in detail. Best wishes to you and the adoptive family. There are NO EASY ANSWERS in a case like this.

[Erin96]

The adoption has not been finalized as of yet..there is this whole big mess...my last name was changed in order to conceal the pregnancy from the father. I told him I was pregnant in June and then he he sent me a letter saying he wanted to parent the child and that he didn't want me to get an abortion. I told him the next day that i got an abortion and that i was going back to florida for my internship..then i met this director of a children of ****...he told me not to worry
that i can put unknown on the birth certificate and that the father didn't need to know because the father gave me money in that envelope that i thought was for an abortion. I was so angry that i didn't speak with the father again until dec.2006
friends and family members of mine thought i was in florida alll summer. No one knew i was living in an apartment on long island going to doctors and under a diff name and then giving birth to the child
and then the child getting that last name on the birth certificate
I never wanted to hurt anyone i just wanted my baby to be safe.
I wanted so many times to tell the father that i was carrying to full term
but when ever i would bring it up to the director he said "he abandoned you, he doesn't care, your baby is your baby and can do whatever u like"
Now the father has an atty who is going forward for full custody and for the child to handed over immediatley due to this information being witheld from the father.
I'm so scared
the adoptive parents are so upset they won't talk to me they sent me an email telling me they would send pics and an update after my bsons checkup...

the problem is

is that the fathers name is on the putative registry in ny and he filed for paternity action within 30 days of finding out about the child but not within the 30 days of birth but there was no way he could have bc he didn't know the child was even born
another thing is that if i didn't tell him in dec. he would have found out bc in jan 2007
the judge told the adoptive parents that he wanted to know why the fathers name was unknown and why was I not naming him. So they had me sign an affridavit saying who he was bc if he should an intrest then i have to give his name

Im so scared that this will be dragged out in court for years or will it be just decided that the child stays or goes. so scared.....

[spitzlvr]

Erin,

This is just my opinion. I debated even posting, because I know you will think I am beating you up. But I feel like I need to say something.

You are saying the bfather wanted to parent the child, immeadiately. And he did everything correctly (putative fathers registery and such) to get and care for his child. And you lied to him. Yes, you got some bad advice, but you chose to lie to him, and change you name, just to conceal the child.

This is very unfair to the father. Obviously, you no longer like him. But this is his child too. He tried to do everything right, you lied to get what you wanted.

I would think, since he did do everything right, and the adoption is not finalized, that he could get custody of the baby.

It is his baby as much as yours.

I think father's right are trampled on way to much in the adoption world. Many times, it is unintentional. But in you case, you did it to him (and yourself) on purpose.

I'm sorry, I don't want to come off mean. But I am honestly shocked you would do that to him. Regardless of your personal feelings towards him, he is the father of the baby. He tried to be a man and take care of his child. And you lied to him.

[kelceesmom]

Erin,
First of all I am sorry that you are going to have a very rough time ahead of you because of some very bad and unethical advise from someone.

I believe you should have given the bfather a chance to parent if he was willing. Unless there is more to the story and he would have been a detriment to the child.

Because of the choices that have been made everyone is in a huge mess. Granted the aparents seem to have known along so they are at fault for continuing forward as well, but it sounds like there is a great chance that they may lose this baby.

Everyone involved should be getting attornies because I see a long battle ahead of everyone. You should have been honest and given this man a chance and at least talked it out with him. Maybe he would have opted for adoption too if you would have talked it out some.

Truely I am not trying to be mean but you are asking for opinions. Adoption isn't always the right choice. I wish you luck through this journey.

[Erin96]

thank you all for your advice, I can't explain the pain i go through everyday that i didn't give him a chance,i was wrong and now all i can do is stand on the side and watch I will forever have to live with the descisions that i made but i do know one thing God is watching over this situation and my son will learn of all this not matter what and he will be prayed for by me everyday.
thank you all again i will continue through this strong.

[lonni]

Best wishes Erin.I am sorry you were vulnerable and taken advantage of by these professionals ect.. Please get an attorney and atleast get visitation when the father wins custody.Unless you want full custody. I believe the Father will win his child back.He has the law on his side.JMO

[HadFaith]

My prayers and sorrow for everyone involved. I also believe the bio father will receive custody. I hope that he can work something out with the prospective aparents so they will always at least be able to know how the baby is doing as he grows up, and I hope you will be allowed that knowledge and peace as well. This is a a mess, I hope it does not turn into a nasty drawn out nightmare for everyone, because ultimately I think the bio father does have the law on his side.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by Erin96

the adoptive parents are so upset they won't talk to me they sent me an email telling me they would send pics and an update after my bsons checkup...

Surely, Erin, you can understand their feelings about this.

Originally Posted by Erin96

the problem is

is that the fathers name is on the putative registry in ny and he filed for paternity action within 30 days of finding out about the child but not within the 30 days of birth but there was no way he could have bc he didn't know the child was even born
another thing is that if i didn't tell him in dec. he would have found out bc in jan 2007
the judge told the adoptive parents that he wanted to know why the fathers name was unknown and why was I not naming him. So they had me sign an affridavit saying who he was bc if he should an intrest then i have to give his name

Im so scared that this will be dragged out in court for years or will it be just decided that the child stays or goes. so scared.....

Yes, this may be dragged out for years. But it looks as if the birthfather did everything he could and it seems the law may be on his side.

IF the adoptive parents knew for a fact that the birthfather's identity was known but not released then they hold some responsibility in this.

But there are things in this which are not making sense to me. WHY did you hide the information from the birthfather? You stated you wanted your child to be "safe" - from the birthfather? I am confused about that.

You have created a terrible legal mess for your child. I heard you say how badly you feel about this - but you did this intentionally and I can not undertand why you did this. What was the point? If it was "safety" then what do you mean by that?

I tend to agree with lonni that the birthfather will prevail. You are desperately in need of legal assistance. The adoptive parents acted extremely unethically - again IF you are telling the truth that they knew.

This is a legal nightmare - you are at the cruxt of it - and now many people are suffering as a result. I am NOT wanting to bash you - you have already said you feel badly about it. But I do have the question as to why you went to such extremes? Can you help us understand?

My heart goes out to all of you.

[Erin96]

The adoptive parents did know the father never knew, we have talked about together on the phone and that time in person. When we met the lawyer knew the director of the XXX *Edited to remove agency name*(has known since june)
everyone knew that the father didn't know the baby was going to be born and the director told me that i didn't have to name him on the papers bc they believed i was never going to tell him(father)....he also told me that i don't have to tell him even after the baby was born I told the direcotor i wanted to tell the father and he said "I don't owe him anything"! I was extremely scared no one knows the situation i was in...no one except my mom and sister and like 3 friends knew
the director told me that IF i didn't want to parent my child that i could place him with a family
he showed me two profiles in my apartment that was away from my family and friends and then when i told him i was intrested in this one couple he told them the next day he told me that they tried adopting before and had let downs bc the birth mothers changed there minds i felt so guilty for them and when i thought about the letter the father wrote me i felt terrible bc i thought all summer that the money that was in the letter was for an abortion but i only found out recently that it was not for that
and then when i got the courage to ask the adoptive parents about the two other birth mothers
i found out that they never tried to adopt before that this was thier first time adopting and they just got their liscense in july 2006
i never met them until after i signed the papers
I don't know what the director told them but im sure he sugar coated things to them too
there are so many lies in all of this

I called the director, the lawyer and the adoptive couple in dec to tell them that i told the father that he had a son and that i never got the abortion, the father didn't talk to me until jan which by then he had me supeonda to court for paternity and custody and then learned of the adoption in another state, the adoptive mother asked if he was willing to participate in the open adoption and i told her that he won't agree to it
then in jan the adoptive mother called me to tell me that the judge wanted to know who the father was that i would have to have a good reason as to why i didn't name him...i had to name him then...
i belived my child would be "safe" with the adoptive family because i didn't want him to struggle i didn't want him to be passed around to babysitters...everything that director said would happen because im was only 21 years old and i had my whole life a head of me
and how he told me that diapers and food would cost soo much money and i would have to pay for a nanny it would cost $400 a week and that i wouldn't be able to finish school right away
i had no where to live i was stuck
i never signed any forms with him
the day i gave birth i asked that the aparents not be there in the hospital
and then when I found out they were downstairs i felt so guilty they come all the way from illinois and prob already saw the baby and all i could think was how was i suppose to turn around and tell my family and friends that i had a baby and then tell the father i just had his baby
especially since they were burned before (according to the director)

two days before i went into hard labor the director told me that the adoptive parents were on there way out driving
it made me so nervous
then the day i gave birth the director took me into the lawyers office to get my rights explained to me
i know now what the director told the lawyer
he told the lawyer that the father abandoned me and that he wanted nothing to do with me bc he never checked up on me

when my mom wanted to go to the hospital the director told my mom to go home and that he would call her after the delivery to say how things went
he never called her...
he told me that having my mom at the hospital was not a good idea
i wanted to tell my brother but everytime i would bring up i wanted to tell my brother the direcotr would say
he doesn't need to know he'll only critize me for breaking up the family
the point is...is that i trusted this man i was scared alone pregant ( i only found out at 61/2 months)
and my family didn't know my friends didn't know the father didn't know
and in a sense this man was gonna make all this go away
when i signed the papers i don't even remember going it was all a blur then the next day they pulled me into court and i didn't even know why i can't even rememeber
all i know is that the family was their waiting and Tim was saying i had to get to court because the aparents needed to leave with the baby in order for them to leave i would have to appear in court to validate it

so thats my story i have a depostion...and all i can do now is pray that if the father wins custody allows me at some point to see my child...
thank you all
and all this other expenses
then when he started telling me that the adoptive grandparents put $5,000 in an account for the baby for college
i thought that the baby would have wealth and stability
the birth father is a good man but he doesn't have those things
but i have found out lately that those things don't matter

i am not offended if you bash me
i deserve a lot of the bashing but at least i know in my heart because of me there is a beautiful baby boy out there in this world and no matter what he will be loved

[lonni]

- you do NOT deserve bashing. This was predatory and unethical-period. You were taken advantage of during a crisis. SHAME on all of them.
This is not what adoption is about. Adoption is to give a loving home to a child that needs one.For infertile couples, it can be the way to create a family.However,it is NOT to shaft some poor young couple out of their infant.(((((HUGS))))))please get an attorney.Talk to your Mom about this,please. JMO ;~~))