[MailLady]

Hello Everyone, I am new to this forum... I am adopted, and about 8 years ago I found out I could not have children. very devasting for me b/c I always wanted the feeling of someone belonging to me..I knew I belonged but it wasn't the same. My husband and I decided to go thru the adoption route and where I live it is very difficult to recieve children. Some people wait and wait and never get children. We have been waiting for about 8 yrs to be chosen. We are currently going thru social services. Well on Nov. 22, 2006 we got the phone call we have been waiting so long for..you have been picked and the baby will be born on Nov. 29th. We rushed to the city where the birth mother was. We met with her, and she asked us to be at the birth of her baby so we could bond with the baby as soon as we could. I thought it was a dream...the baby was born, 5 lbs 7 oz. baby girl. There was a hitch to the adoption, the paternity of the father was unknown so papers had to go to court for the judge to sign in replace of the father signature...u need both parents to sign for adoption. Meanwhile our daughter had to go into foster care about a half hour away from us, while we waited for the lawyers to get to court.. we travelled everyday to see her and finally on Dec. 29th, 2006 the papers were signed. at this point the birth mother and birth father had 30 days to change their mind. well on Jan. 15, she changed her mind..we got the phone call at 4:00pm and social services came to the house and took our baby. They were gone by 5:45pm. We had our daughter for 7 wonderful weeks.. thru all this time, I did keep in contact with the bmom. I sent 2 e-mails letting her know things were fine with pics that she asked for since she did not have a camera at the time in the hospital. she wrote us a letter saying this was the best decision she has ever made in her entire life and that she does not regret her decision. I did have concerns e-mailing her b4 the 30 days were up, felt like I am cursed if I don't and cursed if I did... I was totally shocked when that phone call came in. My question to anyone reading this is....Has this ever happened to anyone else and if so, how did u get thru it. I don't cry everyday now, I am depressed (not too bad) and have a phobia of meeting up with people I meet on the street. Will this go away?? When I was adopted, the adoption was a closed ...I wish it was that way still, would save a lot of people pain.

I am writing from Saskatchewan Canada, so I don't know if adoption is the same across the world, with same rules...

[ajrl]

So sorry you had to go through this. It is hard. It does get easier just take your time.

Since it took you so long to get this baby, can you use another agency? Did they say if they can rematch you?

I wish you the best.

AJ

[lonni]

I am so sorry that this has hurt you so much. I wonder if it triggered anxiety so that you have those new fears?

[jjlutefisk]

I'm so sorry. I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone.

[MailLady]

getting another baby is not that easy..Social Services does not pick our babies..the birth parents pick us. So it could be another 8 yr wait. We could adopt a 2-3 yr old..I guess there are a lot of kids out there, but I want a baby.. There r more agencies but they cost a lot of $$ that I do not have. and now when I woke up this morning my cat is sick..took him to the vet, he just lies there, he can't sit, and he can't walk...I have no idea what happened to him, the vets don't even know. He is on some pain killers and some antibiotics... 2007 sucks

[evildishrag]

Hi MailLady, I am so sorry about what you're going though and cannot imagine your loss. It must be like experiencing a death and the grieving process will take time, but I know you'll never get over it. Your anxiety and sadness are perfectly normal and natural and to be expected. There are many stages of grief, don't hurry yourself to 'get over it'.

I'm a birthmom who placed through the CAS in Ontario. I chose my son's birthparents through anonymous profiles the same way I imagine it would be done in SK. They had waited well over 10 years, with one previous placement where the bmom had changed her mind. I don't know why it took so long, I don't know why they were passed over or how many people had seen their profile. All I can say is the second I read it (after reviewing close to 50) I knew they were 'the ones'.

When my son's parents got 'the call', I later found it that the timing couldn't have been better. Like you, the mom was really down in the dumps with one thing after another not going well, wanting to leave her job, not wanting to 'handle' anything except being a mom. I imagine she was feeling similar to how you are now. Just know that 'someday' things are gonna get easier.

[StacyKelly2]

My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to long for a child for such a long time. Please don't second guess yourself you did the right thing with keeping in contact with the birth mom. I am sure that is not the reason why she changed her mind. Going into adoption you just never know what can happen. I guess that is the risk we take all for the love of a child. I know your heartache and pain the longing to have a child. I know its so hard but prayer can help...you need your grieving time to cry and it is only natural to feel so much pain. You should re-consider adopting a 2 or 3 year old. In our state there are not any children under the age of 5...and the older children seem to have medical conditions or need special help. Keep your faith in God and never give up your search for a baby....I know its the hardest journey ever...but somewhere out there is your angel...

[jaenelle]

I don't even have any words to say except I'm sorry. Wow, what a devestating blow to you after such a long wait.

Is there ANY other route you can pursue? Are the other agencies really too expensive? Have you researched and signed on with EVERY agency that's possible? Can you adopt a baby born in the US (os somewhere else) if you live in Canada?

[MailLady]

there are routes we looked into...invitro -$15 000 - $20 000...as well as out of country same..$20 000. As for my cat..the vet has NO clue what is wrong with him...I think we have to put him down..I hope he makes a change over night..I don't think I could handle another loss...I am so fustrated!!!

[Jaefer]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It will get better - but it will take time. I am not sure how much - it depends on the person. Just know that it WILL get better...

[Stormster]

Having just spent four days with the baby we thought was ours I can only imagine what you are going through.

Please keep writing, it can be very therapeutic and we all care how you're doing.

How is the cat?

[MailLady]

Well....things are gong ok here. I ended up putting my cat down. No one knew what was wrong with him and he was getting worse.
I keep thinking about our baby, wondering how she is doing? Is the mom going to change her mind?? I wish she would but I talked to my social worker and she said that it doesn't look that way. Everytime the phone rings I think it is "good" news about adoption. I even keep checking my e-mail hoping that the birth mom will e-mail with an explanation...nothing yet...I have kept our name in for adoption, so who knows what will happen.
Just last night someone dropped a baby just born on the steps of someone's home. They say the baby was only about 20 mins old. She had wrapped the baby up in a sleeping bag and left her on someone's steps. It was -30...somewhere around that anyway. Things like this make me very angry and sad, knowing there are people out there having children who SHOULD NOT be having them, while people who want children desperatly, can't. Now this baby is in the system until things are worked out. They are looking for the mom. I am not sure what will with this little one..atleast the baby is safe now. Oh and yes, I even phoned my social worker to see if I could do anything. I hinted to her about adoption even. I have just as much chance as other people who are waiting I guess, but who knows when that will be.

[MailLady]

I posted this in a different section 1st, but I thought I would update everyone in this part of the forum...

The birthmom e-mailed me today with a very short update and a few pictures. I didn't take the e-mail very well...opened up a bunch of feelings that I was trying to put behind me. She told me the baby was doing just great, growing up fast...so on and so on..I want to e-mail her back but I am afraid of what I might say to her. I have a lot of angry toward her. I don't hate HER, I just hate the way she hurt my family and me, if that makes any sense. I am also upset she didn't have the heart to tell me she was sorry for the pain she has caused me. Since the loss of my daughter I have found myself liking my home more and more everyday. This way I don't have to go uptown and face people asking me how the baby is doing, or that they are sorry to hear about my loss. It has been 6 weeks that we lost her and people STILL are coming up to me.. I find my comfort in junk food which is not a good thing, I am over weight as it is and I don't need extra weight added. I also recieved a coldsore from the stress I have gone thru in the last month and a half...Had not had one in more than 10 years, which makes me mad...( I hate them) . I miss my baby to death..Every night I pray to God and ask him why!!! I blame myself for the mother's decision to take her baby back. I e-mailed her pictures and updates twice b4 the waiting period was over (thru a 7 week wait) I shouldn't have done that, but she asked and I wanted her to know I wanted her to be a part of her (my) baby's life. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Is this pain going to go away soon?? I sleep and breathe the loss of her, she is all I think about. Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent. I have a lot more to say, just don't feel like typing anymore tonight..emotionally tired.


MailLady

[kelceesmom]

MailLady,
I know this is a difficult struggle for you. Before we brought our beautiful daughter home, several months prior we brought 6 week old twin girls into our lives. Our family was complete. One week later the bmom changed her mind. We were devestated to say the least. We just couldn't understand why. We managed to get one thing out of that terrible time. We knew we were on the right path for us. We grieved our loss and moved on. We have not forgotten the girls but we are now bringing up a beautiful little girl. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we are allowed to know and sometimes not. Now it doesn't matter because our family is still complete. Take care of yourself do what you need to do help yourself through this very difficult time. Know that we all understand and are here for you.