[Hoping2bAunt]

Hi,

I was hoping some of you might have some guidance on what to say to my brother and sister-in-law, who just had a birth mother change her mind yesterday - they were there for the delivery, held the baby boy in their arms, and a couple of hours after delivery the birth mom changed her mind. I am just so incredibly sad for them; I have two children of my own and they were real people whom I loved long before they were born. I know my brother and sister-in-law were holding back emotionally, just in case this happened, but I also know they had started to believe this boy would be theirs; they'd named him, bought diapers and formula, and were ready to bring him home. I'm hoping some of you parents who have been through this pain might remember what, if any, words brought you comfort.

Thanks to all.

[ermiller]

We went through a situation similar to your brother and sister-in-law's except we were not at the hospital for delivery. It is very hard to not get somewhat emotionally involved, no matter how much you drill into your head that the mom may parent once the baby is here.

My advice to you is just let them know you know they are grieving this loss and if they need anything from you to please ask. They may want you to return items they bought or something along those lines as that can be a very hard thing to do (I had to return a couple outfits and I nearly started crying when the woman asked why they were being returned).

Hugs and prayers to your brother and his wife. Also to you as well.

Erin

[mom2samuel]

We had 2 failed adoptions and the grief is very profound. For me, I didn't want any comments like, "Your child will find you someday",or "It wasn't meant to be". That hurt like heck! They'll be able to come to that realization in their own time. It helped me for my good friends to let me just vent and cry whenever I needed.

Take your cues from them, too. There were people trying to console me and I asked them not to talk about it, because I was at work and didn't want to fall apart. When I was able to discuss it in public, I did. I went through all the stages of grief; it felt like a death. They may be this way, or maybe not. Let them know you'll listen or do whatever when they need you. They'll appreciate your consideration.

Big hugs to you all!
Michelle

[HappyTwinsMom]

We had a failed placement back in 2000 - before adopting our girls. The best responses were the people who said "I'm so sorry for your loss" and treated it as a REAL loss. Even though we weren't legally Emily's parents, we were her parents in our hearts for two days, and we were devastated when her mom changed her mind.

It consoled me a great deal to have people ask how I was doing. Sure, there were times I didn't want to talk about it, but it gave me comfort to know how many people truly cared for us.

My parents took pictures when we went to get Emily and I didn't look at them for probably a year or more afterward, but I now have them and can look at them without as much pain. In my heart, she'll always be my first little girl.

[Jaefer]

There is no real advice to give to your brother and sister-in-law. Just let them grieve for their loss and talk about it when they feel like it. You may want to offer this forum so that they can talk to people who have actually been through the same situation and know what they are feeling. I know that it helped me a lot to vent to people who are going through the same thing that I am. Coming here was the best move that I made.

Jaefer

[ContactChar]

I also experienced a failed placement. For me, the best response was "I'm sorry for your loss" followed by a hug or just silence. The worst responses were "everything happens for a reason," and "don't worry-- your baby will find you/ you will be a mom one day." Actually, the latter was the absolute, absolute worst, and it still stings when I hear it from people, even though I know they mean well. It also bothered me when people went on and on about "what I must be going through."

The bottom line is, the best, most comforting thing (for me anyway) is just a simple acknowledgement of the loss, and nothing more.

[Casey677]

Please, acknowledge the fact that this is a definite loss. We had three failed tries before our daughter was born. Of the three, the hardest was definitely the one where we had the baby in our arms for three days. Many people pretended like it had never happened. But it did, for three days he was our son. He will be two tomorrow and it still hurts. Yes, I know everything happens for a reason. Yes, I know that I probably would not have my daughter if his adoption had gone through. But that doesn't ease the pain of losing him. And it is a huge loss. Just be there for your brother and sil. They are going to need someone to support them.