[billysmommy]

I have to agree Scarlet, sorry. I understand your need to "educate", but in a thread with raw emotions, a little bit of tenderness would have been nice.

Sadmomma, I am so very sorry for your loss. There no words that can take away your pain, so I will not even bother to try. I just wanted to mention that I really liked what you said about wishing yur agency fees could have instead gone to this new mother - I think you are an exceptional person, just from that statement (and especially while you are in so much pain).

[Jaefer]

SadMomma -

I have to agree with everyone else in that you have had the unfortunate dealings with an adoption agency that should not be in business. I am not sure what you can do (if anything) to make your voice heard... Could you contact a lawyer and explain your situation? All in all, any further action will just cost you more money and I don't know what the end result would be. This agency needs to be reported though! I must say that I admire someone who still thinks of the birthmother and her well-being after all of the heartache that you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you during these difficult times.

I must also add that Scarlett could show a little more compassion for someone in your situation. Someone should "educate" her on thinking of other's situations before she climbs up on her soapbox.

SadMomma please let me know if there is anything that I can do!

Jaefer

[ermiller]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. We are in Michigan as well and my understanding of the law concerning TPR is this:

A placement is consider "at-risk" until TPR happens, which can only happen in front of a judge (or judge's appointee in the family courts who then takes the paperwork to be signed by the judge). If the birthfather is around and signs off, then the hearing for voluntary TPR can happen fairly quickly (usually the earliest is about 2 weeks). If not, they have to give 30 days notice of the hearing to the birthfather, so it can take longer. The hearing for TPR for our daughter's birthparents took about 12 weeks to happen. Once the hearing is done, then there are 28 days in which she/he can appeal- generally only granted if there is clear evidence of fraud. I'm not sure what the three months is but it may apply only to non-voluntary TPR.

I am sorry though that the agency you were working with did not communicate well with you regarding their plans regarding birthfather searching/filing paperwork with the courts. I do know that they generally will not attempt to TPR the mom's rights until they know where the father is and what his plans are, because once her rights are terminated, she has no way to parent instead of the father if his rights are not.

I do think you should sit down and talk with your agency about what happened and how things can be handled differently next time.

Take care,
Erin

[SadMomma]

All thank you so much this really helps me. I just sit and wait for your replies because you all understand. You have people that try to say the right things, but can't really feel your pain but you all do. Ermiller since you are in MI, when you took your daughter home for pre-adopt foster care did you sign any paperwork saying she was in your care; or was your home visit documentation enough? Also did they pay you any foster care monies during the 12 weeks, or did they tell you since you are in a pre-adopt status you are different then a regular foster parent.

Also about my son's natural mother, I do care about her and have always prayed for her. Even though my son did not understand I told him all positive things about his birthmother. I also told her I will dedicate my life to helping her, because raising a child alone is hard. Everyone needs someone and I rather that someone be me to help her through this.

[joskids]

Sad momma, I am so very sorry for your loss. Our birthfather decided to contest our adoption when our daughter was 5 months old and, apparently, his "first mother" felt it necessary to help him. So we wait. I feel your pain, have so many sleepless nites. I don't know if you're a religious person or not but thought I'd pass along part of our sermon this morning that really helped me to understand our situation. Our priest said that sometimes God answers us in bits and pieces. At times, for us, it doesn't seem like enough, or it takes too long, or it doesn't follow our time frame. But if He answered us immediately with all we ask, we might think "it was US who created the blessing". When He gives it to us in bits and pieces and makes us work hard for it, we come to a better understand of where our blessing really came from . . . which is from God. And, thus, we appreciate it more. Again, if you are offended by my giving part of our morning's sermon, forgive me. I'm just trying to find words to help you along in your pain. I agree that it sounds like your agency did you a great disservice. And if you weren't your son's "parents", certainly you should be compensated as foster parents in a situation such as this. I assume the AGENCY GOT COMPENSATION. Know that you are in my prayers today. Please find the strength to continue forward through your pain. We are all here for you on this board.

Sending a big, gentle hug . . .
Josie

[ermiller]

In Michigan, you do not receive foster care money in a voluntary placement with the intent to adopt. It is a slightly different foster care license than standard foster care. The first agency we used to start the process did do the foster care license. We had a failed match with them- mom decided to parent after all at birth- we never saw her but it still was very hard for us and it was awful to get the foster care license after the fact.

You can also have what is known as a direct placement by the birthparents where you do not get the foster care license. Michigan changed the law in order to allow adoptions with lawyers, not just agencies. You still have to have a homestudy and post placement visits for the adoption to be finalized. Agencies can place this way as well and that is how the agency we ended up adopting through placed our daughter in our home.

You should have signed paperwork stating that the child was being temporarily placed in your home until rights were terminated. How it works when they do the foster care route is that custody is turned over to the agency who then places the baby with you for care until TPR. When they do the direct placement, custody is turned over to you until TPR.

I'm not a lawyer or social worker or work in a job related to adoption- just an adoptive mom who did A LOT of research into Michigan law when we began the adoption route. Didn't want anyone to take my comments as absolutes But do ask me if you have any other questions If you want to talk about specifics with your agency, please send me a pm and I'll be happy to let you know if I've heard of them.

[StacyKelly2]

My prayers go out to you and your family. Just know for four months this little angel needed someone..and God placed this angel with you!! I can only imagine your pain and heartache...Prayer is the one thing that can give you the strength you will need - May God Bless you and your family at this extremely emotional time.

[SadMomma]

Thank you so much for your prayers. We just got a call about a baby girl available. We are not sure we want to go through this again. This will be try number 3. We are still holding out hope that our little boy returns to us, but maybe that is the only thing that keeps us going on. I worry how can we love another child with some much love and compassion as we did our little boy. We dont want to do a child an unjustice, oh we just don't know what to do. This 16 year old wants nothing to do with her child and doesn't even want to see it. Her mother offered to help her and she said even if she has help she will have to see that baby everyday and she has no desire for the baby to be in her life at all. Oh my that is so hurtful. What do we do??

[pwheatle]

Understanding that you are grieving I still must say accept the baby girl. Maybe your baby will come back to you but I will softly say it is unlikely. If he is truly meant to return he will and you will be doubly blessed with both children. I totally understand your pain.
Tricia

[spitzlvr]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't even know what to say.

But I can say that I think you should accept the girl. She is not a replacement for your son, she is a little girl that needs a home, a Mom.

Keep posting.

[ermiller]

I have to agree that I would accept the little girl. It is a long shot that the boy will be returned to you and as spitzlvr said this little girl needs a mom, a dad, a home. If for some reason, the boy's parents change their mind again, then you can make that decision when the time comes.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

[joskids]

Please consider the baby girl. If you don't at least try to go forward, you may never know what you missed. I'm sending hugs.

Josie

[SadMomma]

I have a feeling you all are right. It looks like the father is 15 and the mother is 16. The Bmother's mom has agreed to sign the parental consent. She said he doesn't think the father knows the girl if pregnant, so that means his parents will have to be informed. We are so cautious if we do this and want everything in line before we even think about saying yes.

[kelceesmom]

This little baby girl needs a loving family. God has led them to you for a reason. Don't close the door on this little one that needs to find a home with loving parents. We lost twin girls at 6 weeks of age when the mother decided to parent. Our precious baby came to us soon after. If your baby boy is not to in your arms know that he had a safe, loving home for the time that he did and that is what this little baby girl needs now. Go for it. Your pain is raw and might always be where this little boy is concerned but you have the hearts full of love to give another baby. Good luck in your journey.

[daddysangel]

Sadmomma,
I have read all your post's and at the end of one you state "what will we do"? I believe that after stating you would like to help the birth M of your son and having gone through something like this 2 times you already know what you will do.A heart full of compassion and love can not be turned off. GOD only gives us what we can handle and to have HIM tell you there is a girl available so quick after this happened with your son, well.....? Our case is not finalized yet and still if someone asked us to do it again we would.We would NOT beable to say no.Would we do things differently? YES.GOD bless you and your family and may HE give you all strength to do this as many times as HE see's fit.